Whoooa, ANOTHER one? I'm on a roll, aren't I?
I was going to finish the chapter of "Planet Sasuke" that has been 2/3 done for quite a while now, but when I opened MS Word, I ended up starting something else. I'm sure my usual audience will enjoy this, so it's all good. I also have plans for another one-shot as well; you guys seem to like my one-shots better than my chapter-fics anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem.
Warning: Kinda strong language.
"I would much rather be known as Sakura: the girl who chickened
out of a dare involving Uchiha Sasuke, than Sakura: the
girl whose innards were harvested and sold on the Chinese black market."
There were many rumours floating around about one Uchiha Sasuke. Some people thought that he transferred to Konoha freshman year because he killed a man in Oto and was on the run from the law. (Which didn't make much sense seeing as like, everyone knew so he should've been arrested by now.) Others were positive that he used to conduct illegal, underground surgeries for that creepy principal of Oto High, Orochimaru, but left the business after the man got a little "touchy-feely," if you catch the drift. Regardless of what exactly they believed was going down with dark-haired boy; there was one thing everyone could agree on.
He was scary…as fuck.
"There is no way in Hell that I'm going to ask Uchiha Sasuke to be my partner." Haruno Sakura announced with a firm nod, her voice resolute.
Her two best friends Karin and Kin, a red-head with rectangular glasses and a brunette that looked like a Twilight vampire, immediately began to protest.
"Honestly, Sakura, don't be such a twat."
"It's just a dare; it isn't even that serious." Sakura snorted, crossing her arms across her chest.
"I would much rather be known as Sakura: the girl who chickened out of a dare involving Uchiha Sasuke, than Sakura: the girl whose innards were harvested and sold on the Chinese black market."
"Oh come on," Karin replied, adjusting her glasses in that bitchy, know-it-all way she always does, "I'm sure he isn't that bad."
The three girls simultaneously turned their heads to the oblivious boy sitting alone on the other side of Kakashi's biology class. The experiment was to test the generation rate of a worm by cutting it into four pieces, and then recording how long it takes each worm to begin functioning properly on its own. They weren't supposed to begin slicing their worm until they paired up with someone they could compare data with, but Sasuke was currently pounding his worm with his fist, smirking amusedly as he smashed it into bits. The girls turned back around.
"Well," Kin began, "all you do is consume ridiculous amounts of energy drinks and sit on your ass, so maybe he'll give your organs back when no one wants to buy your fucked up shit."
"Ha ha, go sodomise yourself with a shark-fin, you whore."
"How about this," Karin interrupted, "if you do it, me and Kin will sneak off campus during lunch and get us delicious, mouth-watering, slap-somebody's-mum food; everyone wins."
"…Will it be Ichiraku's?" Sakura asked after a moment of contemplative silence. Karin rolled her eyes.
"Duh, no one else around here sells food worth two-shits."
And that's how, not even a minute later, Sakura found herself walking towards her imminent demise. Hopefully, he wouldn't let her be his partner: he'll just give her that "TF this bitch doin'?" look and then go about his business. The deal was that she had to ask, not succeed. It's a very important life lesson to learn, kids: make friends with people dumber than you. You'd get away with all kinds of stuffs.
As Sakura approached his counter, she saw her life flash before her eyes…and realised that she probably deserved whatever cruel, unusual torture that was coming her way. Seriously, she was such a bad person. How did she even have friends? She looked over her shoulder at Kin and Karin, who were laughing silently and using each other for support.
Oh yeah, that's right, her friends were assholes.
"Sasuke?" the boy froze, balled-up hand poised in the air, and blinked confusedly at the counter before him. Then, slowly, he turned his curious, fathomless gaze to her.
He was wearing a form fitting black Nirvana smile-pile tee, dark skinnies, and red Vans. Random bracelets littered his arms, piling unceremoniously around his wrists. He regarded her curiously, tongue ring glinting in the light as he flicked the pink muscle across his lips, and Sakura?
Well, she just wanted the floor to open up and swallow her whole.
"So, uh," she shifted the plastic bowl containing her worm in her hands, "do you want to like…be my partner… and stuff?" he just looked at her…for a very long time, before shrugging and scooting his stool over a little to make room.
She sat down in the empty chair next to him, smiling nervously on the outside but reciting every vulgar word she could think of inside her head. He was supposed to say no!
"So I wasn't really expecting to actually do anything." he admitted, scratching at his unruly raven hair and staring down at the mess he'd made.
"That's okay; I really just needed a partner anyway." she attempted to laugh, but she ended up letting out some awkward dying pig sound and choking on her own spit.
"Shit, are you alright?" Sasuke asked, patting her awkwardly on the back. He didn't notice how the rest of the class looked at him as if he was strangling her with his bare hands, or the two girls practically rolling around on the floor in silent laughter on the other side of the room.
"I'm fine!" Sakura squeaked, waving his hand away.
The next few minutes passed in complete and utter silence. The other students went back to their own experiments, refusing to witness the murder of a (kindofsortarelatively) beloved fellow student; Karin and Kin began theirs as well, because like, they didn't want to fail. Sakura filled in half of her graph with the data she had collected, and then began making random stuff up for Sasuke's, since his experiment was…compromised.
"You're really good at BS-ing," he whistled lowly, "is that how you pass all your classes?"
"Of course," she flipped her hair, momentarily forgetting that she was no longer in the presence of her friends, "you don't get on the A honour-roll by actually knowing stuff."
It wasn't until he laughed out loud that she realised, in horror, what she had done.
"Holy fuck," he exclaimed suddenly, interrupting his laughter to point at (what was left of) his worm in surprise, "it just moved!"
Incredulously, Sakura peered down into his container and sure enough, a little piece had survived. It wiggled weakly, fighting for its life and struggling to free itself from the mound of what used to be the rest of its body. She looked back up at Sasuke, who was smirking haughtily as if he were a proud father watching his son beat the crap out of a kid that was bigger than him on the playground.
"You're not acting like you're supposed to be." she blurted before she could stop herself. She cursed her word vomit, and then cursed "Mean Girls" for putting such a ridiculous term in her head.
"…What the fuck are you talking about?" Sasuke replied, brow raised.
"You're supposed to be all, you know, "she began to gesture wildly, "scary and shit."
He just kind of stared at her like she was the dumbest person he'd ever met, and she kind of felt like it at the moment, so she desperately began pleading her case.
"I mean like, you're not acting like you killed a man in cold-blood, or used to conduct illegal, underground surgeries!" both his eyebrows shot up so high that they almost disappeared into his hairline.
"That's why everyone thinks I moved here? How the fuck am I supposed to know how to remove people's organs and shit if I make straight D's?"
…Well he had a point.
"Why did you really come here, then?"
"It turns out that Orochimaru had some kind of creepy, Pedo-Bear crush on me." he shrugged.
"But it's completely understandable, since I'm so sexy and all." his voice remained flippantly nonchalant as he spoke, like his words were common knowledge.
"And besides, if I were part of any underground shit, it would probably be like, prostitution or something. Seriously, look at this ass," he stood up, turned around, and pushed his backside out slightly, "isn't it the best ass you've ever seen ever?"
This was the point where Sakura's brain completely shut down. She was not expecting this encounter to play out the way it was at all. She looked around to see if anyone else had noticed what was going on, but for once, everyone was actually doing their work.
"…Oh my gosh." Sakura snapped out of her reverie to find Sasuke back in his seat, examining himself with a tilted head.
"This shirt looks fucking awesome on me. I should drop out of school and be a model; I don't do shit here anyway."
And that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back (or you know, however that saying goes). Sakura doubled over in the most confused, gut-busting bout of laughter she ever had in her life.
"Do you know how many friends you'd have if you were actually nice to people." she gasped through her mess of giggles.
"If they want to be friends with me, then they can come over and speak to me." he sniffed, brushing imaginary dust from his shoulder.
"I'm not going out of my way to be all rainbows and unicorns and Feed the Children for pansy-ass bitches."
Sakura was pretty sure that her spleen just exploded.
"Is she…laughing?" Karin asked sceptically, adjusting her glasses to make sure she was seeing things correctly.
"I…I think so." Kin replied in disbelief. She turned to her red-haired friend, eyes wide and confused.
"What dimension is this!"
The two girls once more turned their attention to the pink-haired teenager across the room. She was clutching her stomach, shoulders shaking violently and tears of mirth flowing from her eyes. Her seatmate's face was completely blank as he watched the girl beside him cackling madly.
"He must have like, tried to brainwash her, but then something went wrong, so now she's all broken and stuff." Karin frowned. Kin nodded her head in solemn agreement.
"…I bet it was the ass."
And there you have it; hope it made you laugh.