Title: Where It All Started
Rating: Hard R
Word Count: 3k
Summary: She just thought sex would change something. Would change her feelings for Jenny and make them stronger or whatever, but it's not doing a single thing. Part of the If It Hurts This Much universe!
Notes: Prompt from anon, requested on my Tumblr. It was too confusing to fulfill together so I'm writing it from Santana's POV as Brittany already described what she was feeling in Chapter 21 whilst recapping on their teenage years. This was the prompt anyway: 'what about one shots from when they were kids, in high school, and college? I kinda wanna know what Santana's first time was like and what Brittany thought about it when she told her.' Have fun reading!
She's 15 and she's home alone at her girlfriends house with said girlfriend, Jenny Cooper and it's the summer break. They're on her bed and they're making out and they've been dating for like, eight months which means it's now like, universally acceptable for them to go a little further in their relationship.
And seeing as they first started off at a party with their hands down each others pants, she knows what this means.
They've gone as far as possible in terms of other sexual actions, and shit, she's actually about to lose her fucking virginity.
On top of her, Jenny grinds down shamelessly, not even bothering to smother her moan against Santana's mouth because they're alone. They're alone and Jenny's hand is already stroking over her throbbing erection and holy crap, she's so not going to last long. Not as long as they're doing this.
"Jenny," Santana pants, squeezing her eyes shut as the hand around her cock tightens and picks up the pace. "Jenny, stop I can't—"
It's too much and if they are about to have sex, Santana knows she's going to blow the minute she's inside her girlfriend.
"Don't worry, baby," Jenny whispers the moment she drags her lips across a tanned cheek to an ear. "I've got you."
Santana doesn't know what her girlfriend means, but she doesn't even have time to ask because Jenny sits up, pushing her back against the bed and ridding herself of her clothes. Arousal ten folds within Santana and she runs her hand over every inch of bare skin as it's revealed, marveling the femininity of her girlfriend.
Fuck. Jenny is so fucking hot.
Soon enough, they're both naked and Jenny's pushing up onto her knees, hovering above Santana's aching member that's now covered in a condom, grabbing the base, and holding it close to her entrance. She beams down at her and the moment she sinks down onto Santana, taking her in halfway, Santana almost comes. Her nails dig into Jenny's hips, and her eyes squeeze shut, willing and hoping that this won't be over the second her girlfriend starts moving.
And thank the fucking lord, it isn't.
Jenny moves like it isn't her first time, her hands coming up to grab at her own breasts, her hair, Santana's chest as she glides up and down her cock, unable to take it all in but bouncing rhythmically and moaning when Santana hits that spot as she moves her hips, pushing up with every downward thrust.
And Santana can't help but stare. She just watches her girlfriend, eyes flicking between pink nipples and then down to where they're connected, and even though it feels good... Really fucking good because shit, she's never felt something so tight, wet and hot around her, she can't quite understand why she isn't falling love with the girl.
She's not stupid or naïve, whe wasn't expecting to lose her virginity surrounded by candles and rose petals.
She wasn't expecting to suddenly see everything clearly and immediately want to marry Jenny.
She wasn't expecting to want to be with Jenny for the rest of her life now that she's lost her virginity to her.
She wasn't expecting to have some sort of epiphany and realize that she Jenny's the one and for them to grow old together and sit on their porch, watching their grandchildren run around the front lawn.
She just thought sex would change something. Would change her feelings for Jenny and make them stronger or whatever.
But it's not doing a single thing, and the only reason she feels a little different is because the pressure is building at the base of her spine and she knows in a few moments, she's about to come.
And these thoughts are really starting to fucking annoy her anyway, so she just lays back, lets herself indulge in this moment and rotates her hips until Jenny buckles forward and lets Santana take over for her.
She pumps into her girlfriend, a light layer of sweat covering her forehead and keeps going until it's all too much and she's driven over the edge. Her hands grip tightly around pale thighs, and she buries herself as deep as possible, letting herself spill into the condom as continuous grunts pour through her lips.
On top of her, Jenny continues to grind down and clenches around her only a few seconds after, screaming Santana's name and scratching down tanned shoulders until the skin is red raw.
Afterward, when Jenny rolls off, Santana kisses her girlfriend on the cheek and jumps when the sound of Jenny's mothers voice flows up the stairs at the same time. They both shoot out of bed and get ready in a haste, smiling as they descent the stairs to greet Mrs. Cooper.
But Santana can't seem to stop the forced smile on her face, or wonder why it wasn't anything like she was expecting for her first time, and not necessarily for the good reasons.
Later that night, she's lying on her bed, contemplating life and everything when she hears the front door open. Brittany's voice flows up the stairs, following her mothers, and she smiles to herself, rolling her eyes when there's a few footsteps and then a crash as Brittany falls up the stairs.
Weirdly though, it's not even embarrassing. Just endearing and adorable.
Seconds later, Brittany comes bouncing into the room, literally. She swings the duffel bag propped on her shoulder onto the bed and plonks down next to Santana, twisting onto her side and throwing an arm around Santana's waist, head resting onto her shoulder and body snuggling closer.
It's a standard routine for them. Every Friday night Brittany sleeps over, and then on the Saturday, Santana sleeps over at the Pierce household. It's been this way for as long as either of them can remember, and Santana never wants it to change, to tell the truth. Everything feels light, easy and good when Brittany's around. It's why she looks so forward to every weekend.
Throwing an arm around pale shoulders, Santana pulls her best friend closer, dropping a kiss to her head and laughing throatily when Brittany throws a leg over hers, tugging them impossibly close.
"Hello, snuggle bug."
Her best friend hums into her collarbone, forehead resting against her neck. "Hey."
"Yeah," Brittany breathes, but it sounds freakishly like a no, so Santana pulls away a little, looking down at the blonde.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, San. Just had a long day and I missed you."
The words make her heart expand within her chest, but when the flurry of memories from her day wash over her, it twists and she winces, her stomach turning. Brittany must notice because she's the one to pull away this time, staring up through bright blue eyes that flash with concern and worry, and shit, Santana really doesn't need that look.
"Are you okay?" Brittany asks, cocking her head to the right.
Her mouth moves to say yes, but the words don't come out. Something lodges in her throat and she swallows against whatever it is as it grows and grows the longer her eyes born into her best friends. Seriously, what the hell is happening to her?
The blonde shifts back further, blue eyes narrowing. "San?"
Santana suddenly feels incredibly guilty and looks away, finding it harder to breath. Her collar gets a little hot and she clenches her jaw, trying to ignore this burning feeling within her. She fakes a cough, needing to clear the lodge but it doesn't work and Brittany sits back, folding her legs in front of her and Santana mirrors it only moments later, pinching the tips of her fingers nervously.
"Uh, Britt," she manages to get out, notable to look at the other girl just yet. "I, erm... I need to tell you something.
Blue eyes continue to stare at her and Brittany bobs her head, more than willing to listen as she shuffles closer, almost planting herself directly in Santana's lap. Whereas it usually makes her feel warm, and comforted, it now makes her feel dirty... Like she did something wrong.
So what if she slept with her girlfriend? It's her girlfriend and it was inevitable. That's what couples do now, especially now they're both in Freshman year in high school.
Still, it doesn't feel like it should've been inevitable.
It feels like she's somehow... betrayed Brittany.
"You can tell me anything, San," her best friend soothes her with her voice, reaching over to grab her quivering hands and tugging them both into her lap in a firm grip. Her vision flicks down to the hands, noticing the shake as she feels it and fair eyebrows push together as Brittany lifts her head, staring at Santana who refuses to look up, still. "Why are you nervous?"
"Britt... I..." she licks her lips and blinks, ignoring the way she wants to jerk back as Brittany's thumb rub over her knuckles. She doesn't want Brittany touching her. Not after what she did earlier. "Something happened," she settles on, clamping down on her lower lip with sharp teeth and chewing for a few moments. "Something... pretty big."
Brittany's head tilts so far to the right, and her eyes squint like she doesn't quite understand what's going on. That's reasonable considering Santana hasn't said a thing yet. She just can't seem to bring herself to say it but she knows the longer she keeps it in, the harder it'll be and she takes in a deep breath, bracing herself and wetting her lips as she finally meets Brittany's gaze, her heart twisting and stomach turning almost painfully so.
"I... erm," Santana shifts from side to side as if she's trying to find a more comfortable position. Truth is she's just trying to find comfort within this situation. Her eyes flicker between each blue one and Brittany's looking at her with such trust and care that Santana almost doesn't say it. But she does. She has to.
"Just tell me, San. It's not like I'm gonna tell anyone," Brittany laughs but Santana knows that. She knows Brittany would never tell anyone because nothing ever leaves their two ears or mouths when secrets are traded. It's just their standard routine.
"I know, Britt..." Santana nods but her teeth keep clenching and unclenching, trying to coax the words out with the movement of her jaw. "I just... I need to tell you this because you're my best friend, and we share everything. Right?"
"I know. I'm here. I'm listening," Brittany confirms, squeezing tanned hands gently.
And Santana knows it can't be prevented any longer.
So she squares her shoulders, lifts her chin and keeps eye contact with her best friend as the news pours from her lips. "I had sex with Jenny."
The grip around her hand suddenly loosens, and the echo of her words rings throughout the room. Brittany's stopped moving, stopped breathing, stopping doing that little bouncing movement she always does when she's around Santana; she's just staring. Wide, blue eyes bore into narrowed dark ones dark ones, and Santana swallows thickly, waiting for something to be said. Waiting for anything to come from her best friend's mouth because this silence is killing her.
Brittany blinks at her a long stretch later, clearly muddled and confused, and slowly she asks, "You... lost your virginity? To... Jenny?"
Hearing it said back stings a lot more than expected, but Santana pulls her lips into her mouth, her heart hammering loudly against her ribcage, and nods equally as slowly as the question was asked. She can't go back on it now. Can't blow it off and pretend she was just kidding. Why would she anyway? She sucks in a ragged breath, bracing herself for what's to come since at this moment, she can't read her best friend. All of their friendship she's been able to but right now, Brittany's expression is inscrutable and Santana really can't stand it.
"Please say something," she begs, her voice hoarse. "Britt, please."
Yet despite the quiet plea, Brittany just sits there, staring and blinking and trying to process the news, face blank. Words don't seem to be coming to her mind and Santana squirms silently in her spot, deliberately pushing back the urge to grab at her best friend's shoulders and shake a reaction out of her.
What seems like hours later, Brittany speaks.
"When?" She asks breathlessly, dropping the tanned hands in her pale ones, nudging them back into Santana's lap. Rejection flushes through Santana but she holds steady, quietly whispering her answer.
This time, Brittany's reaction is instant. Blue eyes drop away from her gaze, and it's subtle but Brittany shifts further back, putting a little distance between them. Pink lips move silently and the blonde runs a hand through her hair, her fair eyebrows scrunching together and a crinkle forming between them as she looks at everything but Santana. Her hand lifts from her lap, pressing to high on her stomach and she takes in a deep breath, blowing out her cheek as she exhales.
And Santana yearns to touch her. She wants to so badly because she doesn't know what this reaction means. It's definitely saying something after all that they've traded over the years, this news brings the most visceral reaction out of Brittany. But Santana just doesn't know what it says, and that's fucking killing her.
So after the fourth minute of silence passes, she decides she can't hold back anymore and lets her fingers slowly creep across the mattress between them, pausing when her skin buzzes, merely half an inch apart from the soft, pale skin of Brittany's hand. She waits, to see if blue eyes snap to her, or if Brittany retracts her hand, and she doesn't after thirty more seconds, so Santana closes the gap and lets her fingers glide over the edge of a pale hand, sliding across her palm and up to her fingers where she slides her own through them.
The touch makes Brittany flinch, her entire body stiffen and Santana winces in return, breathing hard and heavy as she coaxes her best friends hand into the mattress between them slowly, trying to move at a pace that won't startle Brittany. Luckily, the blonde shows no jerky movements and instead lets out a long exhale, finally lifting her head until deep, blue eyes meet chocolate brown ones, flooding with an emotion Santana's not privy to.
Her throat is dry, and she sucks her lips into her mouth, wanting—no, needing to say something, to ask if it's okay and to know if they're still okay. Even if she has no idea why she would ask those questions.
And she almost does.
Yet it stays at only almost because Brittany suddenly begins bobbing her head and shakes her head frantically, her entire demeanor switching to it's opposite as a smile comes across her face, a smile too sweet to be real. She bounces on the bed, her cheeks and the corners of her lips lifting and her chest buffs out as she sucks in a large amount of breath.
"Okay," she says, her voice higher and brighter than it was moment ago. "C'mon, let's watch a movie."
Santana's so utterly confused and astounded by the sudden flip that she stays completely still, blinking and staring at the blonde in a way that Brittany was doing to her a minute ago. A bitter thread of disappointment pulses through her, and she feels her entire face fall as Brittany leaps from the bed and heads over to the stack of DVD's in one of Santana's shelves, sorting through them and humming like she wasn't frozen before. She's wiggling her hips, the tune to California Gurls vibrating from her lips and Santana's body sags, falling into the mound of pillows beside her as something sinks inside her chest.
But she's still unbeknownst as to why she's feeling this way, and for the first time she's thankful Brittany isn't looking at her to see the disappointment etch across her face.
Little does she know that despite Brittany humming and singing Katy Perry beneath her breath, she's desperately fighting the tears whilst pretending to search for a film.
The next day, Santana doesn't stay over Brittany's house like she does every Saturday night
In fact, she doesn't even see Brittany because when she wakes up in the morning, her best friend's gone from beside her, without even leaving a note to say why she's disappeared so early.
Santana doesn't realize that she does know why though. Just clamps her jaw, picks up her phone and asks Jenny if she wants to go somewhere for the day and stay over later.
Jenny accepts and they head to the Fort Wayne fair an hour away, coming back at night, stumbling into each other and tearing off clothes as they make their way to the bedroom.
The same night, Brittany goes over to Matt Rutherford's house after seeing Santana tagged in a photo with Jenny on Twitter at the carnival.
She sleeps with him. Loses her virginity to him.
And on the Sunday, she tells Santana.
Santana pretends not to care, and deliberately ignores how it feels like something just died inside of her.
Neither of them talk about.
And neither of them know that this is just the beginning.
Comments please? If not, thanks for reading!