A/N: I wrote this for a friend who loves Alex Hunter's character and wished she was in more episodes of White Collar. This was meant as a fun one-shot between Neal and Alex. It's meant as a friendship fic, not romance. This is my first attempt at humour, please R&R!
In the fifteen years that Alexandra Hunter had known Neal Caffery, she had been thoroughly taken in by his personality and charm. His chiseled face and expressive blue eyes didn't hurt either. But what drew her to Neal were his smarts. The con-man came up with schemes that bordered on insane and yet when he managed to pull off the seemingly impossible heists with a cocky grin, his true genius made itself known.
And that is why Alex was currently leading Neal to her hideout. She wanted the con-mans advice on a new heist she was planning. Of course, she didn't want Neal to know where she was currently living. He might have led the FBI to her current residence. So she had drugged him. Mistake number one. So now, she was dragging Neal two blocks towards the tiny one bedroom apartment that was her current hideout while a high Neal attracted more attention than she was comfortable with.
A white cat stared at them from an alley, its eyes flashing as it tilted its head to inspect them.
"Awwww! What a cute cat! Here kitty kitty! Hereeeee Kitty!"
"Neal be QUIET! Gosh, one would have thought that you of all people would understand the significance of stealth!" Alex hissed at Neal as he smiled goofily at her and continued his crazy rant as if he had never been interrupted.
"I always wanted a cat. I brought one over to my apartment a couple of years ago but Mozzie made me keep it back. Can I keep it? Please?" He implored, turning the full power of his blue eyes towards her.
Oh God, he was using his puppy dog face on her and he just looked so adorable, surely it was fine if she said yes? Wait- what the hell was wrong with her? The heist, that's why she was kidnapping Neal. Not for some stupid alley cat.
"NO! Now move!" she hissed at him as she continued to drag him while he crossed his arms across his chest, scowling at her rather petulantly. Boy, he sure was heavier than he looked.
They were halfway there and Alex actually thought that they would reach her apartment without any further incidence.
"Sweet kitty, warm kitty. Little ball of fur! Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr PURR!" her taller companion started belting out, much to the amusement of a group of giggling teenage girls she shot a glare at.
"Hey Alex, whats wrong with you?" Neal asked rather innocently, earning a scathing glare from her.
They were just half a block from her apartment when Neal started singing again.
"Nobody knows the trouble I"ve seen. Nobody knows my sorrow….." He managed to keep his voice in perfect tune even when he was drugged.
Somehow, Alex managed to get the still singing man to her apartment and onto the couch. Then she sat, facing him and started explaining her heist and asked him his advice in what her escape route should be.
"Do you want to know a secret?" Neal asked in a loud whisper.
She nodded, intrigued. Finally some progress on planning the heist.
"Oregano." He said, smiling brightly.
"What about oregano?" she asked, confused.
"The secret to my French onion soup is oregano!" he exclaimed gleefully, sounding for all intents and purposes like he had figured out the answer of a million dollar question.
Alex nearly did a face-palm then.
"Neal! Snap out of it!" she growled, annoyed at his limited attention span.
Of course, this was her own fault. She had known that Neal and drugs equaled disaster, a rather hilarious make-a-video-and-use-for-blackmail disaster, sure. But a disaster nevertheless. She had added quite a small dose of the drug in his drink at the bar. Mistake number two. If Neal and drugs were incompatible, Neal with drugs and alcohol turned into a hyper ten year old on a sugar high, as she had come to find out.
"Did you know, a pregnant goldfish is called a twit?" Neal said, eyes wide. "So all the times you called Moz a twit, you were actually calling him a pregnant goldfish!" the gleeful conman declared snickering as Alex rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Hey Alex! Did you know that an average woman consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime? That's a lotta lipstick!"
"Wait Caffrey, how do you know that?" Alex asked, smirking.
"Oh shush , Alex." Neal said, blushing slightly.
"Oh I know a good one! Did you know, all polar bears are left handed?" She was so regretting drugging Neal as a headache made itself known. It would have been easier dropping by his apartment and asking for his advice there.
And so continued the random facts and the childish giggles from the usually suave con man for two more hours till his words started slurring together and he turned outraged eyes toward her.
"Did you DRUG me?" He pouted, as she smirked evilly. She was SO going to make him pay for all those non stop facts and stupid songs.
The end! Thank you for reading. All the facts mentioned are true. And the song sweet kitty is from The Big Bang theory. I have not forgotten about my other story, I'm working on it. I just needed a break from all the angst :P Please review!