Chapter 1: Prologue - Darkness and Despair
I'm not here
This isn't happening.
Radiohead, How To Disappear Completely, Kid A
Diary of Nebraska Jones
15th of September 2008
Do you know what it feels like, when you've been lying on the cold ground for so long that there is nothing but shivers running your body? I do.
I couldn't tell how long I'd been trapped inside this facility.
There was no daylight nor a night sky visible for me to tell how many days had passed since I got dragged here.
My stomach revolted, when I thought back to the last day I went to work and got ordered inside my boss' office. Fucking traitor.
I still remembered the chemical smell of a cleaning essence itching my nostrils as I entered his room – probably the carpet had been cleaned over the weekend.
Harmless thoughts – until he told me how he sold me to another company.
According to him it opened a new path for my career and I should be thankful for that.
His words were nothing but sickening, his toad-like face disgusted me.
I wanted to run out of the room.
I can recall his damn secretary's dumbfounded, overly made-up face as two men took me outside to throw me inside a waiting Jaguar XJ2010.
It's funny how I could calmly name the brand and type of car despite the fact that I was being taken against my will. The human brain and extraordinary situations ...
My 'kidnappers' were dressed in black and wearing gas-masks.
I wondered, if they felt especially intimidating by looking like Jason Voorhees.
The cell they threw me in was small and cold and uncomfortable.
One guard was responsible to look after me.
He raped me. Every single day. Fortunately (if that word is even appropriate to say) he was very young and therefore didn't have a lot of control over himself.
After pinning me down it usually took him no more than ten thrusts until he came, spilling his seed on top of my belly.
Disgusted I'd sit on the shower floor afterwards, letting the hot water pour over me until there wasn't any warmth in it left anymore. It made my skin shiver and my teeth chatter.
He thought, he was strong. He thought, he'd prove to me that I was below him by ravishing my body. How wrong he was. How wrong they all were. There was still something inside of me that fought.
At least, I thought that until the day I met him … Albert Wesker.
Albert Wesker … I could repeat this name in eternity and never would I understand the man behind it.
He never raped me. He never even touched me.
There was only one single time, he laid hand upon me.
Never will I forget that inhuman strength in the underarm that he pressed against my throat.
I could feel my own heart pump under his touch.
It turned out that he needed my help. I wanted to laugh out loud, spit in his face and tell him to kill me.
I'd rather be in the ground, rotting, than working for an organization like his.
But his attack taught me to never disobey him. So I worked. And worked. And worked.
It felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I was washed out and drained from all energy when I fell on top of the uncomfortable mattress in the evening after a day in the laboratory.
I was Wesker's only hope left. It was a virus that he needed me to stabilize for him.
He never revealed the true purpose of it. Nor did he ever open himself up to me. He always wore sunglasses to hide his eyes. I asked myself why. There was this barrier around him that nobody was allowed to break through.
But what I wondered about the most was if I'd ever be able to feel the breath of winter chill on my skin again.
12th of January 2009
I had fallen in love. With my guard.
No, not the one, who has raped me. It looks like Wesker disposed of that guy.
I know what you're thinking right now … How can you take someone into your bed, hell, even trust them after being violated and raped on more than just one level?
Punch me in the face, if you feel like it. I probably deserve it.
But my loneliness got to such a low level that even he saw it in my face.
He was surprisingly respectful and almost tender-hearted.
His name was Jason. We often talked when no-one was around.
He told me how Wesker wasn't human anymore. He injected himself with a Prototype virus and killed himself deliberately, leaving everyone in the belief that he was dead.
But he rose again. And he returned with inhuman powers.
To me it was like hearing that two and two equals four – nothing but logical.
This connection I shared with him … I can't tell what exactly it was.
But I guess, we both shared the same kind of suppression.
I wasn't the only tortured soul in this facility as it turned out.
Wesker blackmailed him into working for him by threatening to kill his family.
He used to be a researcher himself.
How he landed in the defense department I don't know nor is it important to me.
All that mattered to us was having each other.
When we slept together we took it slow and he was always careful, patient and loving.
My fingers trailed over his handsome face, over the several scars visible on it and together we made escape plans, which we hoped to realize one day.
We knew we were silly. Stupid. But it was the only good thing left in our exhausted minds.
We gave each other hope.
I thought, I knew what it means to love someone, to truly dedicate myself to them.
How wrong I was.
Although I was madly in love with Jason, I wasn't surprised to feel a strange attraction towards Wesker coming up at some point.
At least we spent several months working side by side.
I didn't fail to recognize how handsome he was behind that masquerade of being evil.
His body was strong and athletic. His features had something aristocratic and elegant about them.
But of course it was nothing but the inevitable result of having to endure his presence for so long.
I even daydreamed about fucking him. Yes, I did and I felt ashamed for it and hoped that Jason would never be able to see it on my face.
I tried to shove those unwelcome emotions into the back of my head and I kept treating Wesker the same way I always had. Disrespectful and mocking.
Behavior like that would bring me into great trouble soon, he liked to pray that to me every day.
I didn't care … He thought, I would dance to every single one of his commands like a monkey.
But still he tried to build a special kind of trust between us, a kind I unfortunately fell for.
He acted polite in my presence, he gave me a better room to stay in, provided me with more food … I thought, I could finally get comfortable.
But trust … trust is a false friend down here as I had to learn.
21st of February 2009
Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
This is how I was feeling. Insane.
Finally I'd stabilized that god damn virus by doing the same thing over and over again every single day.
I buried my face behind my hands and hid a wide smile.
I was scared to tell Wesker about it.
Who knew what he would do to me now that I'd reached his goal.
But on the other hand I didn't want to imagine what he would do to me, if I kept that information from him. Reason won.
Of course he was incredibly happy about the result – as much happiness as he was able to show at least.
His way of thanking me for all the hard work seemed rather strange – at first.
He touched my face with his always gloved hand and put a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.
The tension inside of me … you can't even imagine.
I thought my last hour on this planet had arrived. My last minute. My last second …
I couldn't focus on breathing anymore.
The last thing I remember was looking at his skin under the bright laboratory lights.
How it looked flawless, white, surreal … and then he kissed me.
It was a hesitant, almost questioning kiss, but I answered by slowly opening my mouth to adjust my lips to his.
Every single emotion I had tried to push away during those torturing months came forth.
He pulled me close to his well-trained body and I felt his hand slowly sliding down between my shoulder blades down to the small of my back.
An incredible shiver went through me.
I was like a helpless kitten as he groped for my ass and put it on top of the examination table, assaulting my lips with biting and kisses until they were swollen.
I noticed how soaking wet I was for him as he pushed the hem of my skirt up – this is where I realized that I truly wanted him.
But something came in between.
My look of desire quickly turned into one of pain as I realized that Wesker had thrust the needle of the virus sample inside my neck.
It burned like fire inside of me and I screamed in agony as I felt the substance that I've created taking over my blood.
This day in February was when he marked me as his experiment.
22nd of February 2009
There was dark matter dancing in front of my eyes and I was ready.
Ready to be taken by a supermassive black hole.
A hole that would destroy every single atom of my body so I would not exist anymore and be finally free of this torture.
I remember that I tried to move, but my limps and brain somehow weren't co-operating together.
I felt like I was floating in space.
I remember catching breath before losing consciousness again.
It felt like I was drowning in a liquid.
25th of February 2009
As I opened my eyes several days later, they were burning like fire.
The silence I started to get used to got interrupted by an annoying, constant beeping sound next to me.
A million little ants seemed to be walking over my body, making my skin tingle in an uncomfortable way.
My lips were rough and ripped open at some places.
I could taste iron on my tongue and my throat was dry.
There was a strange, pulsating pain inside my body.
It felt like a cold river eating its way through my nerves.
I wished, I was dead.
26th of February 2009
He visited me today. Wesker.
I could see his black silhouette standing at the end of my bed in the medicine facility.
That's as much orientation I could get at this very moment.
Hatred boiled up inside of me and I wish, I could've attacked him.
But I was weak, all my energy drained from the transformation the virus had caused inside my body.
He only chuckled and claimed that he improved me.
After he left I kept staring at the ceiling, cursing his name until I took the time to look at the palm of my hand.
It was still white, still human, still there were fragile looking bones beneath that flesh … still they weren't mine anymore.
They had mutated into something alien.
Jason was allowed to look after me.
I wasn't sure if Wesker knew what was going on between us. But it looked like he didn't care.
At first I refused Jason's touch, refused his consolation.
It was all anger against myself. How could he still love such a creature, I asked myself. How?
I'm so scared. Scared of becoming a monster. An animal with the urge to kill.
Scared of becoming like Wesker.
Soon I realized that it was a battle, I could never win.
The virus had different plans with us.
7th of April 2009
Jason hadn't shown up in several days.
I nervously paced up and down the cell, I was being locked in, asking myself if something had happened. If Wesker found out.
I suddenly felt sick and rushed to the bathroom to vomit.
I was used to it. It happened almost every day.
I tried to hate Wesker for it, tried to tell myself that I would get my revenge on him one day.
For using my body like this. But with each day the hate against him faded. I couldn't explain why.
More and more my thoughts wandered back to what happened before he infected me.
How he kissed me, how he touched me … didn't it all feel to real just to be an act?
Had he secretly fallen for me too?
Almost every single night I dreamt of that incident.
But in my dream there was no needle coming in between us.
He ripped my clothes off and took me right on the table.
When I woke up, I was covered in sweat and my heart was racing.
But this wasn't the worst part … every single time after I woke up, I realized that I was unceremoniously wet.
I wondered if I also said his name in my sleep … at least he was like a ghost to me.
A ghost that possessed my body, my heart, my soul.
Even the words that escaped my mouth in my sleep.
8th of April 2009
I looked at myself in the mirror today and saw that my eyes had turned amber.
I screamed and shattered the mirror with my fist.
The wounds healed within two minutes.
10th of April 2009
He was incredibly angry with me.
It looked like the virus wasn't developing the way he wanted it.
I knew he wanted to lay hand upon me. But he didn't. Or couldn't?
Briefly I wondered if he could feel it too. This strange, internal pulling.
He badly needed a sample, I knew that.
But somehow, unexplainable to me, my human side seemed to be in the way.
It was still active, fighting against the strangeness inside of me.
15th of April 2009
I woke up after dreaming of him once more. But this time the dream didn't fully let off me.
I felt someone's presence in my bed. A body behind mine.
I immediately knew it was him. Wesker.
I whispered in the dark what he wanted from me.
It was a simple pronoun, directly melting into my hearts desires.
As he moved his ungloved hand between my legs, I was ashamed to have been so wet already.
He leaned his lips against my ear and purred what dirty things I'd been dreaming about.
As he turned me around I could see that he wasn't wearing his sunglasses.
His eyes were crimson red. They were mutated like mine. I found that surprisingly comforting.
I was so lost in his features, in the fact that the barrier between us was now broken, that he almost had to force my legs apart with his strong hands.
That wouldn't have been necessary anyway. I was like a machine.
I stretched my arms towards the ceiling so he could take off my shirt.
I laid down on my back so he could peel me out of my thin hospital-like trousers and underwear.
And before my brain even processed the fact that we were naked, he had already crawled on top of me.
My heart was racing and the lust inside my belly boiling. I wanted to fully feel him.
I expected him to slowly enter me, but he didn't take me nice and easy.
Instead he made me take all of him in one almost brutal thrust.
I gasped from the pain and dug my nails deeply in the mattress. It felt like being a virgin again.
He somehow seemed to notice that and gave me a minute. But it didn't take long for me to adjust myself to him.
He had just the right size and as he slammed inside of me, I couldn't help but become a puddle of moans under him.
At some point he scooped me up and let me sit astride of him.
I held him close, pushed my breasts against his hard upper body and enfolded his neck with my arms.
I didn't want him to disappear. It all felt like a dream. Even him. He was perfect.
I rode him painfully slow and his hands were always groping my hips or ass so he could make sure I always took all of him.
I guess, he sort of wanted to fully possess me.
As soon as my panting reached dramatic levels, he pushed me on my backside.
This is where things took a turn.
I was lying under him, shivering, because I was so close to my orgasm and I begged him not to stop.
But all he did was looking down at me, his hands placed left and right to my shoulders.
And he demanded something of me.
He wanted me to tell him that I was his. That he was the only one who had power over me.
His tongue ran along the inside of my thigh and I thought the lust inside of me would kill me.
But I didn't say the words to him. Never would I have gone that low. I belonged to no-one at least.
I told him 'to go and fuck himself'.
Of course he only smirked and said that I should better go and fuck myself at least I was close anyway. I should make it a good finish.
That statement gave me the rest. I had run out of words to throw against his head.
I was glad that he left.
I felt used and dirty and my heart made my chest ache in humiliation.
I don't want my human side anymore. Its weak emotions are killing me.