Thank You, Heavenly

NEW! Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 1

EPISODE 4

Airdate: October 7, 2012

Title: Native American Day

Homage To Classic TV: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987-1996)

Special Guest Stars: Carol Spinney as Big Bird, Dallas Jokic as Arthur Read, Tabitha St. Germain as Martha Lorraine

Satire: Debate over whether Christopher Columbus discovered America or not, 2012 U.S. presidential debates

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Seattle, Washington

Exterior Entrance

("Saturday Night" by Aaron Carter playing in the background)

The kids are let out of school for three days, thanks to Columbus Day. Testicular Sound Express has their whole weekend planned out.

BUSTER: Dude, this is gonna be awesome!

RK: I know, right, honey? We have three whole days to do whatever we want!

WADE: What do we do tomorrow?

RK: You didn't know? We're celebrating the Worldwide Day of Play.

BUSTER: Or we could watch Disney Channel until 3:00.

(the three of them laugh uncontrollably)

BUSTER: Easy now.

WADE: And Sunday, we could watch Bound For Glory!

(Buster slaps Wade in the back of his head)

BUSTER: Wade, Bound For Glory isn't until October 14.

WADE: Well, it's TNA, how the (bleep) are we supposed to know?

RK: What about the MLB postseason? We could follow it all weekend!

(imitating Daniel Bryan) BUSTER: YES! YES! YESSS!

WADE: I think I know what Sparky wants to do.

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: The Columbus Day Pageant.

SPARKY: How can you not love it? Celebrating the day the greatest explorer of any generation founded this country and made us the Americans we are today. I feel blessed to stand on this ground.

(Sparky kisses the ground like it's the Brickyard)

BUSTER: Dude, you're sick.

SPARKY: I have to go get ready now. The pageant will be more Columbier than ever before!

(Sparky runs home)

RK: Damn, I hate Columbus Day more than any other holiday. Every year, Sparko goes overboard celebrating that asshole and makes us reenact the day he met the Tainos.

WADE: Well, it's informative and entertaining. I'm always happy for the Columbus Day Pageant.

BUSTER: Well, that's because you have an obsessive thirst for knowledge. Like CM Punk has a thirst for respect.

(A cutaway is shown of CM Punk yelling "respect" repeatedly during his promo. He's even wearing a T-shirt that says "Give Me Some Damn Respect!" and Paul Heyman is being forced to show his respect for Punk by getting kicked in his balls and smiling.)

RK: One thing's for sure, I'm not letting Sparky celebrate this damn holiday one more time, he needs to learn the truth about Columbus right NOW.

(RK is stopped by Buster and Wade.)

BUSTER: It's not as simple as just telling him who Columbus really was, RK. You need to eat jellybean pizza and like it.

RK: What the (bleep)? Did you have your head up your ass again?

BUSTER: Yeah, how'd you know?

RK: You've got crap on your ears.

BUSTER: That's unrelated.

WADE: What Buster was saying in his own special way, RK, is that you need to just go through with Sparky's plans and please him. He never really asks for anything from us until this time.

RK: Wade, Sparky's nine years old and he still doesn't know Columbus didn't discover America. My parents told me when I was five. That, and when you have money, you can't just spend it; you need to have a plan.

BUSTER: When did your parents tell you that?

RK: Well, I think it went more like, "How many times do we need to tell you not to jack off?", but I knew what they meant.

BUSTER: Well, if this fails, I'm celebrating something better Monday.

RK: Like Canadian Thanksgiving?

BUSTER: Maybe.

RK: Hey, I can celebrate with you. I'll help you prepare the whole thing. And I'll also help you later….in the bed.

BUSTER: Please stop watching The Parkers.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Kitchen/Living Room

(Testicular Sound Express is having their weekly movie night. Tonight, they're watching The Avengers. Sparky can't stop thinking about the Columbus Day Pageant.)

SPARKY: Hey, Buster, save me a place!

BUSTER: Got it. RK's coming in five, and Wade needs to…do some paperwork so he'll be fifteen minutes late?

SPARKY: Cool. We'll entertain each other until then. Maybe the Tainos had to entertain Columbus after his big discovery. What a class act that guy is.

BUSTER: Yup. Very classy. (thinks to himself) I need to convince Sparks not to do the Columbus Day Pageant so RK and I can celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. I'll have to be diplomatic, yet subtle. Note to self: Come up with witty cutaway later on.

(pouring chips in bowl and singing to the tune of Camp Town Races) SPARKY: Columbus Day is this Monday…..doo-dah….doo-dah….Buster's gonna save my place, and I'm gonna feed my face…

BUSTER: Sparky.

SPARKY: Gonna save my place…..

BUSTER: Sparky.

SPARKY: Gonna feed my face…

(imitating Daniel Brochu) BUSTER: ARTHUR!

(Sparky looks confused)

BUSTER: What? You have Michael Yarmush, I have Daniel Brochu.

SPARKY: But it's not like my name is Arthur. Anyway, you were saying?

BUSTER: Yeah. Do you REALLY think that we should do the Columbus Day Pageant this year?

SPARKY: Why not? The pageant is a Testicular Sound Express institution. Why, are you sick?

BUSTER: No, I'm just saying this year might need some tuning up the band (mouths "HBK" to the camera) as it is. Remember last year? You wouldn't shut up about it.

Flashbacks are shown of Sparky annoying everybody (even Wade) with the Columbus Day Pageant. He sees Buster wearing a Columbus Blue Jackets jersey (Rick Nash, to be exact) and watching hockey, and states that without Christopher Columbus, the Blue Jackets wouldn't exist. He calls all his friends in the middle of the night at the same time and talks about Columbus' three ships, and they all say the same thing. "GO TO (BLEEP) ING SLEEP, SPARKY!"

SPARKY: Well, yeah. I can't help it. I'm a card-carrying member of the Columbus Fan Club. See?

(Sparky shows his fan club license, which also makes him a certified Columbus impersonator; his picture is of him having a big smile)

BUSTER: Well, you can't argue with certification. What's with your teeth?

SPARKY: I got a new mouthwash that day and I was feeling alive.

("Feeling Alive" by The Jonas Brothers playing in the background)

SPARKY: Damn, I meant cocky!

(upset) BUSTER: I know what you meant.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Living Room

All members of TSE are watching The Avengers right now. They're at the part where the core members of the group (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, The Incredible Hulk) along with Hawkeye and Black Widow are in New York City, ready to fight Loki.

WADE: That suit doesn't do Scarlett Johansson justice.

RK: Check her out in Iron Man 2. You'll see some results.

SPARKY: Captain America is so patriotic. Just like Columbus.

BUSTER: Mm-hmm.

(RK stares at Buster and tries to get him to tell Sparky the truth)

WADE: I wonder if Hawkeye is part-Taino.

RK: What makes you say that?

WADE: He has impeccable archery skills. Native Americans are talented in several fields including archery.

SPARKY: Columbus should've been here today to see that then.

BUSTER: Yup. He should've.

(To get Buster to spill, RK winks at him and smiles. All that does is disgust Buster. RK comes up with an idea.)

RK: Is Thor a vampire?

SPARKY: I don't think so. Thor's the crown prince of Asgard. Kirsten Stewart is a vampire.

RK: Kirsten Stewart's a vampire whore.

BUSTER: A SEXY vampire whore.

WADE: She was in Speak, right?

BUSTER: What does that have to do with anything?

SPARKY: Speak was filmed in Columbus, Ohio.

BUSTER: That's it! Sparky, we're NOT doing the Columbus Day Pageant!

WADE: I might.

SPARKY: Why not?

RK: Because it sucks! KG was in it last year, and it was so boring and poorly-written, he went into insulin shock for THREE days.

WADE: That doesn't make any sense at all.

RK: I know, it's an expression!

WADE: How is that a (bleep) expression?

(monotone) BUSTER: Columbus didn't discover America.

(imitating Bruce Dinsmore and Melissa Altro, respectively) RK AND WADE: BUSTER!

BUSTER: What, RK wanted to tell you all along.

RK: You are SO lucky you're cute.

SPARKY: Columbus didn't discover America?

RK: No, he didn't. He took credit for it. Wade can explain it better than I can.

WADE: Look, Sparky, more than 500 years ago, Columbus came to The Americas accidentally.

A flashback is shown of Columbus coming there in 1492 with his crew. The Santa Maria had been wrecked.

COLUMBUS: I have such a headache. Why did I watch that marathon of Flight 29 Down?

WADE: That's when Columbus saw the Tainos for the first time. He believed he discovered the West Indies like he envisioned.

COLUMBUS: Oh my God, I'm going to be famous forever! Indians!

WADE: Columbus was so delusional, he thought the Tainos were Indians.

COLUMBUS: Hello, what's your name? I'm Cristoforo Columbo, but my friends call me Chrissy the Cool.

TAINO: My name is Yarisneth. Pleasure to meet you.

COLUMBUS: You're very pretty.

YARISNETH: Thank you. You're not that bad-looking yourself.

WADE: The two were made for each other.

CREWMAN: OK, let's get going! We need to find gold!

(disappointed) COLUMBUS: Yeah, sure.

WADE: The Tainos worshipped Columbus and his crew. So the crew took advantage of that and got the Tainos to work for them.

SPARKY: Wait. Did Columbus care about that?

WADE: No. Once he met Yarisneth, all he cared about was her love.

SPARKY: Awwww. And you guys hate this man? For what?

WADE: You'll see. So the crew of Columbus decided to get the Tainos to search for gold.

CREWMAN: OK, you three take that area, you three take that area, and you three take THAT area.

TAINOS: Yes, sir.

CREWMAN #2: They are so stupid!

CREWMAN #3: We're going to ruin their lives!

COLUMBUS: Look, let's just get the gold ourselves and get out.

CREWMAN: No way, Colombo. They worship us!

WADE: One group came back with no gold. And their hands were cut off. And then the next group, and the next group.

SPARKY: Oh my God.

RK: Yes, sir. For more than 10 years, the Tainos were infected with disease, killed, raped, and enslaved by Columbus' crew. They even stole things from the Tainos.

SPARKY: And what did Columbus do? Did he save the day?

BUSTER: No, Sparks. Columbus couldn't do anything.

(Sparky breaks down in tears)

WADE: We're sorry, Sparky. You had to know.

SPARKY: Leave me the (bleep) alone.

(Sparky runs to his room)

WADE: You guys happy now?

(Wade leaves in a huff)

RK: Man, we suck, don't we, Buster?

BUSTER: You suck, RK. You broke the kid's spirit like Mitt Romney took PBS' soul. Witty joke, yes!

(A cutaway is shown where Gov. Romney is at WGBH-TV in Boston, Massachusetts, where several PBS shows are produced. Romney plans to call several corporations that fund PBS shows and say that they don't need their business anymore. Big Bird asks what Romney's doing and that he saw the debate last night. Romney claims that he is a fan of Sesame Street, but PBS doesn't need so much unnecessary funding and he plans to get rid of it from the inside. Arthur comes and claims that funding is a right for PBS and the network will be destroyed without it. Romney says that he is excited for Season 16 next week, but Arthur is on its last legs anyway and the fund cuts are what's best for America. Martha comes and states that Romney doesn't know what's best for America and that Barack Obama is a visionary for Americans everywhere. Romney curses Martha out and states that just because his wife Ann is a fan of Martha Speaks, doesn't mean he needs to be. Big Bird, Arthur, and Martha all beat Romney up.)

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Kitchen

It's breakfast time. Sparky is feeding Santa's Little Helper his Purina Cat Chow Complete Formula. Usually, he has to feed Bitch Clock as well. But he decided to go to the bar and get drunk to forget the pain of the Atlanta Braves losing the NL Wild-Card Game last night.

SPARKY: Ah, SLH, if only I could go back in time and whoop Columbus' ass for what he did to those poor Tainos.

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER: Meow.

SPARKY: I know I can't change the past, but….

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER: Meow-meow-meow.

SPARKY: You're right, SLH. I should rob a bank, get Buster, RK, and Wade in on it, and have all three of them killed at some point. Then I get on a bus to Mexico, shave my head, and start a new life.

(Santa's Little Helper stares at Sparky like he's crazy)

SPARKY: Sorry, I was watching Set It Off the other night. I make a great Stoney, don't I?

(Buster, RK, and Wade come in)

BUSTER: Hey, Sparky, I just want to apologize for what happened. We didn't mean to make you cry.

WADE: We just wanted you to know the truth.

SPARKY: Don't worry. It's the truth. It's not like you lied.

RK: I don't get it. We leave yesterday and he's in tears. We come back and he's happier than Billy Dee Williams after a case of malt liquor?

(Williams sings a drunken rendition of "King of Rock" by Run-DMC)

WADE: Well, Buster and RK are celebrating…

RK: RK and Buster!

(annoyed) WADE: RK and Buster are celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm not going, though. I plan to attend a class on whether Columbus should be seen as a pariah or not by the American people.

SPARKY: Sounds fun.

WADE: What are you doing now that you know the truth?

SPARKY: Nothing. I'm not celebrating anything anymore.

(Buster, RK, and Wade stare at each other as the "trouble" music from Full House plays)

BOOMING VOICE: And now it's time for another Homage To Classic TV!

(Wade is sitting in a chair near a fireplace, wearing a sultan's robe and drinking Canada Dry Original out of a teacup)

WADE: Hello, Earth. Most of you may be wondering what happened to TV nowadays. Well, it's terrible. There's very little intelligence or wit in these shows anymore. Where's the entertainment value? I'll tell you, IT'S GONE! So every week, we zero in on entertaining TV shows of the past, or present, and pay tribute to them. This week, we homage a show that turned from a cult classic comic book into one of the greatest cartoons in the history of television. It just recently returned to the airwaves under a new focus, and my friends are enamored with it, including me. Here's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (imitating Michelangelo) Cowabunga!

(shortened version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song and opening sequence plays)

"CLASSIC TMNT"

Sparky as Leonardo…..Wade as Donatello….Buster as Michelangelo….RK as Raphael…..KG as Master Splinter…Bitch Clock as Shredder

The Turtles are training in the sewers of New York City by Splinter. The Foot Clan is at large and the Turtles must find them.

SPLINTER: Excellent, you four. The Foot Clan will be stunned at your newfound skills tonight.

LEONARDO: Those scumballs need to be taught a serious lesson, Splinter. We won't let you down.

(The Turtles need to find the Foot Clan and take them down because if they don't, Shredder will be free to destroy Splinter.)

RAPHAEL: I wonder where they could be. Maybe getting a glass of stupid juice?

DONATELLO: Usually, they hang out at the old abandoned vacuum cleaner factory on 4th Avenue. But they might move somewhere else tonight.

LEONARDO: Whatever the case may be, there's no way we won't be able to find them. Their heinous crimes against humanity…..

(Leonardo hears loud chewing)

LEONARDO: Mikey!

(Michelangelo brought his world-famous pizza with him to the mission because he was hungry. It's topped with sauerkraut, tuna fish, pretzels, and jellybeans.)

MICHELANGELO: Sorry, bro. You want some?

LEONARDO: That's OK.

RAPHAEL: Look, the Foot Clan!

DONATELLO: Let's go! They won't be there for long!

(The four come to the Foot Clan and start engaging in battle.)

TMNT: Turtle Power! Yah!

(The Turtles begin to stun the Foot Clan with their new-found skills. Eventually, they retreat.)

RAPHAEL: What a bunch of whiny babies!

MICHELANGELO: That was totally tubular. We rocked their world!

DONATELLO: Something's amiss. No way they'd run away like that.

LEONARDO: We should enjoy the victory, Donnie. Who knows when this might happen again?

MICHELANGELO: Yeah, Jim's Pizzeria. I want four large pizzas, and…

TMNT: Mikey!

MICHELANGELO: I'm hungry!

(The four Turtles laugh when Shredder arrives.)

SHREDDER: You think you're good enough to take down ME?

DONATELLO: Shredder? I knew it!

RAPHAEL: Wow, Shredder. Either you got really big, or WE got really small. (chuckles)

SHREDDER: I will kill all of you. And then Splinter.

MICHELANGELO: How are you gonna do that? Huh? HUH?

SHREDDER: By sneaking into the sewer and killing him? Damn, I like the (bleep) 2003 Turtles better.

LEONARDO: We know. But we'll take the fight to you regardless.

SHREDDER: Make my day.

(The Turtles try, but Shredder overpowers them with his strength and fighting abilities, which are on a whole other level than the Turtles.)

SHREDDER: Who can stop me?

(Just as Shredder plans to kill Leonardo, Splinter shoots him three times with a handgun, killing him.)

(Splinter looks at the four Turtles, who are stunned at his audacity.)

SPLINTER: It, uh, had to happen. Some time.

(We then get a look at the NYC skyline as the theme song plays us out.)

MICHELANGELO: Cowabunga!

TMNT AND SPLINTER: Shut the (bleep) up, Mikey!

MICHELANGELO: OK.

BOOMING VOICE: And that was our Homage To Classic TV. Tune in next week to see more of your childhood favorites bowed down to!

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Kitchen

We pick up where we left off. The "return" music from Full House plays.)

RK: Why aren't you celebrating anything anymore?

SPARKY: What's the point? You guys showed me everything's a lie and a cheat. What about Christmas? Does Santa even exist? Or Valentine's Day? Is there such a thing as Cupid? Or Halloween? Are there grown men dressing up as pimps taking kids' candy?

(Buster, RK, and Wade are scared)

SPARKY: Don't worry. You guys can still celebrate things if you want. Just don't drag me down with ya. (chuckles)

(The three huddle together)

WADE: This is terrible. Now, he doesn't believe in holidays anymore.

RK: We need to teach him that he's throwing out the baby with the bathwater here.

BUSTER: Yeah, get him to celebrate the TAINOS tomorrow instead.

RK: Great idea, sexy legs! We could call it Native American Day!

BUSTER: But I still want to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving this year.

RK: No, we're still doing that. We can start preparing tonight.

BUSTER: My condo. Wait, can we do that tomorrow morning? A new Family Guy is on.

(annoyed) RK: Fine, we'll do it tomorrow morning. After all, when else will we get the chance to celebrate Thanksgiving Canada-style?

WADE: Are you guys (bleep) retarded?

(Buster and RK are offended at Wade's comment.)

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Seattle, Washington

Interior Dining Room

(Buster and RK are ready to prepare for Canadian Thanksgiving. Sparky's watching a Mr. Belvedere marathon at home and Wade went to his class.)

RK: You got the food?

BUSTER: Yup. Never had so much maple syrup in my refrigerator. You got the decorations?

RK: Yup. Maple leaves and everything. I also got a cutout of a turkey wearing a Jose Bautista jersey.

Jose Bautista is the star right fielder (and part-time third baseman) for the Toronto Blue Jays.

BUSTER: Great. Let's get Canadian!

("I Get The Job Done" by Big Daddy Kane plays in the background)

We see RK and Buster working to set the table and clean the condo for this holiday. There were times where RK would flirt with Buster unnecessarily or Buster would fool around, but as Big Daddy Kane suggests, they got the job done. The centerpiece is a beautiful turkey sweetened with maple syrup and adorned with Canadian bacon. There are also pictures of famous Canadian figures, which are Wayne Gretzky, Edge, Frank Gehry, Jack Kent Cooke, James Naismith, Marshall McLuan, Steve Nash, Bronko Nagurski, and three members of the Hart family (Bret "The Hitman" Hart, Owen Hart, and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart)

BUSTER: What are you thankful for?

RK: I'm thankful I had an early lunch so I can tear down this turkey.

BUSTER: Same here.

KG: Hey, RK.

RK: KG, what are you doing here?

KG: I came here because I didn't see you at breakfast, then I saw the refrigerator note:

"Dear, KG. I went to Buster's to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. I'll be back before sundown. Also, the Yankees won the AL East, so go (bleep) something."

RK: You can.

KG: First of all, the Orioles won the wild-card and sent Josh Hamilton's old ass home, so they're gonna (bleep) the Yankees in the ALDS, OK? And second, you can't celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving.

BUSTER: Why not?

KG: You don't live in Canada, and you're NOT Canadian. I thought you two were smarter than that.

RK: You tease!

(RK slaps Buster in the back of his head)

BUSTER: You could've told me, asshole!

RK: How was I supposed to know?

KG: I'm going to go to Key Food. Mr. Tuxedo Pants needs to take her meds.

RK: Isn't it weird how we still call her a "Mr."?

KG: It IS weird. Later.

RK: We shouldn't let this food go to waste, Busts.

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm starving!

RK: Wait, Buster?

BUSTER: What?

RK: I'm actually thankful for you.

(RK kisses Buster.)

(enraged, Buster slaps RK in the face)

RK: Ah, you know you want me.

BUSTER: You know what, I'm going to go see the Talking Dumpster.

RK: The talking what?

BUSTER: Trust me, it's pretty hard to understand.

SCENE 7

The Newman Condominium

Seattle, Washington

Exterior Back Entrance

Buster goes to see the Talking Dumpster about his Sparky problem.

BUSTER: Hey? Talking Dumpster?

The Talking Dumpster's voice is paying homage to the voice of Hugh Laurie's character on House.

TALKING DUMPSTER: Yeah?

BUSTER: You know that Sparky kid?

TALKING DUMPSTER: Sure.

BUSTER: Well, I told him Columbus didn't discover America.

TALKING DUMPSTER: Are you (bleep) high? Sparky loves Columbus Day.

BUSTER: Yeah, I think I ruined his life. He's never celebrating anything again.

TALKING DUMPSTER: You know something, Bus Stop?

BUSTER: It's Buster.

TALKING DUMPSTER: I don't give a damn. Anyway, I just want you to know that no matter what terrible, cruel, unfair things happen to you, they'll pass in time. Look at Barack Obama. He was pummeled by Romney in the debate, but will that stop him?

(Buster doesn't give an answer at all)

TALKING DUMPSTER: OK then. It will NOT. Obama will keep fighting until Romney's on the ground next month. Now get off your high horse and tell Sparky that a stitch in time saves nine lives!

BUSTER: What the (bleep) are you talking about? You didn't help me with anything at all…

TALKING DUMPSTER: I HAVE SPOKEN!

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Living Room

Sparky is watching the Mr. Belvedere marathon. Bitch Clock seems to be leaving.

SPARKY: Where are you going, Bitch Clock?

BITCH CLOCK: I'm going to go find this Columbus guy and whoop his ass for making you cry.

SPARKY: Really?

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah. He caused you pain, and that's MY job! I'll be back before midnight, with blood, and a jacked-up switchblade.

Sparky is at the point where Mr. Belvedere sees a stain on the floor and blames George for it.

BELVEDERE: George, did you spill something?

GEORGE: No way, Belvedere. Where'd you get that idea?

BELVEDERE: Who else drinks Kool-Aid in this house?

GEORGE: Wesley?

BELVEDERE: Not the grape kind.

GEORGE: Well, who cares? You'll clean it anyway.

BELVEDERE: I shouldn't take responsibility for YOU acting like a child.

GEORGE: Well, fat, nosy British housekeepers should do what I tell them.

BELVEDERE: Fat chance.

GEORGE: I wish you never moved in!

BELVEDERE: And I wish we could kiss!

GEORGE: Can we?

BELVEDERE: Let's.

(George and Mr. Belvedere make out on the counter.)

GEORGE: You won't tell Marsha?

BELVEDERE: As long as you slap me like a bitch tonight.

(The two continue making out, much to a horrified Kevin's disgust.)

KEVIN: Mom! Dad and Belvedere are playing again!

Buster comes in, upset as hell.

SPARKY: Hey, Busts. Just watching a classic ABC sitcom with Santa's Little Helper here.

BUSTER: You need to start celebrating holidays again.

SPARKY: Why? All they do is complicate things and ruin lives. Look at Columbus.

BUSTER: THAT'S ENOUGH! I'm tired of hearing you talk about Columbus. First he's the man of the hour, then he's vilified. What's next? You find out Santa isn't real, then try to burn down the North Pole?

SPARKY: I found out Santa isn't real through Everybody Hates Chris. Besides, I think the chances of there actually being something out there on the North Pole is….

(imitating The Rock) BUSTER: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! Sorry. Anyway, Sparky, you NEED to celebrate holidays. They give us joy, peace, love, compassion. They remind us that in this dystopian society we call a world, people will get off their damn soapbox, care about the people who don't have anything, and do something about it. And you want to tell your kids that holidays bring trouble? Your attitude is trouble, Sparks. Think about it.

(Buster leaves and slams the door, while Sparky thinks about what he said)

SCENE 9

The Newman Condominium

Seattle, Washington

Interior Dining Room

RK: You tried your best, Buster. Maybe Columbus Day is too much for Sparky to handle. He'll come around, you know. He always does.

BUSTER: Yeah, kid has more heart than you could dream of. I just wish he made the right decision and…

SPARKY: Who wants to celebrate Canada-style Thanksgiving?

(imitating the guys at the bar from Cheers) RK AND BUSTER: NORM!

(Sparky looks confused as crickets chirp)

BUSTER: Sorry. Sparky, you're back!

(RK and Buster hug Sparky.)

SPARKY: Yes, I am. I thought a lot about what you said and I intend on celebrating holidays again. Just because Santa isn't real, doesn't mean I won't celebrate Christmas in two months. But I'm NEVER celebrating Columbus Day again.

RK: That's OK, Sparko. We have the perfect solution?

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: Native American Day.

RK: A day where we celebrate the Tainos and other Native American tribes instead of Columbus.

SPARKY: I love it. But tonight, we celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving!

(RK and Buster jump up in glee)

SPARKY: Nice turkey.

BUSTER: Thanks. I got it from this place in Vancouver that went all-out for today.

(Wade comes in)

WADE: You guys know you can't…

RK AND BUSTER: We know.

SPARKY: How was your class?

WADE: Horrible. They believe that Columbus should still be an American hero.

BUSTER: Assholes.

WADE: Well, at least I get to celebrate this wonderful holiday with my buds.

SPARKY: And I wouldn't have it any other way.

We see the sky now, with a graphic saying, "Happy Columbus Day!" The Columbus is erased and replaced with Native American. We also see, in smaller letters, "or Canadian Thanksgiving!"

("King of Rock" by Run-DMC playing in the end credits)

©2012 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS