Whilst some information from this is true, it's more science-based than it is real. It's very fiction-like so imagine a lot of inaccuracy and shit. I'm too busy to care about them right now. I pretty much wrote most of this and then I went to go see Frankenweenie and they stole my idea. Well, honestly, it's a common thing to bring back loved ones from the dead. It's a common theme in literature. Grrr. I do not mean to offend anyone with any of this, nor do I mean to trigger anyone into doing anything. :) I love you all and I'm sorry I can't write anymore. My updates have been off but I have been excruciatingly busy. skip downwards for warnings that may be spoilers.
"Sebastian, you will grow wrinkles and die." Kurt said angrily over the sound of the machines roaring around him. Sebastian was hoping he can somehow get one of them to install a security system just against Kurt existing there, telling him what to do and what not to do. Sebastian groaned as he pressed his head against the files, hoping to bury them. He did not feel like hearing any of this. It was two-fucking-am for God's sake.
"The calculations have been recalculated," one of the brunettes chirped, yawning afterwards as she downed down a cup of coffee. The whole building was full of people holding coffee, with thoughts of Sebastian raising the shiny large sum of money for the project they were doing currently. "All the data from last time has been corrected and systems have been rebooted."
"How many attempts is this?" Kurt suddenly hissed. "Nine? Ten? Twelve? Twenty?"
Twenty-five, Sebastian wanted to quip back icily but found himself stopping as one of the overweight blondes with glasses turned to one of the machines, twisting and turning knobs. Kurt saw a familiar flash of green generating from one of the machines, and blue following afterwards in a nice systemic rhythm. The loud banging of the machinery was making Kurt lose his hearing already. He wondered how Sebastian wasn't deaf already.
Sebastian turned to the chamber one more time, where the cold, preserved body of his lover lay. Chandler's chest was hooked to many different wires from within the very thin hospital gown he was wearing. Sebastian knew how the body felt – rubbery and cold. The human body did not truly die after "death". It conserved nutrients and oxygen. Sebastian had gotten Chandler in that chamber in minutes, reserving him, and preserving him so he was in a constant hibernation, always at the near brick of death but never quite so. Not quite "dead", still hopeful. Every cell in his body was constantly quipped with the oxygen. Chandler was never truly "dead", even though he looked like it. It wasn't quite a comatose brain-dead state. The Doctors called him insane, that he demanded transfer in an hour at most so that the cells remaining can be fed with oxygen before it was too late, before there was nothing that could be done for him. Sebastian acted fast and quick, impulsive even.
So here he was standing. His trillions of cells were still working. Chandler was a conserved piece of fruit that was submerged in a bubble devoid of any harmful bacteria or substance that can hurt whatever was left of him. He had spent years trying to do this. Kurt knew this too and found it ridiculous, but Kurt didn't understand if Sebastian shoved his cock up Kurt's ass. He needed to know why. Sebastian knew that Chandler was the happiest piece of shit alive, so why? Sebastian just watched. Kurt rolled his eyes. "I call this the two-am failure."
"Shut up," Sebastian snapped back angrily. In moments, the device had broken into something in Chandler's mind… that was good. Now if it can do the same to his body.
Kurt yawned. "Oh, I babble when I'm tired. Excuse me. I believe I'm being overworked and that my boss should be turned inside out for it."
Sebastian looked once more towards Kurt, the boy of broken dreams, they'd say. Vogue didn't work for him and neither did NYADA or any fashion school. Nobody wanted him. His dream school was floating away from his reach. He worked for his own enemy, and couldn't do much about it. It was times like these that Sebastian almost felt guilty for having Kurt stay there until the brick of dawn, trying to perfect a machine. Blaine had certainly been complaining to him about it. Blaine, Sebastian thought back. Adorable Blaine whose family went bankrupt. Blaine who got into Harvard only through a scholarship. Blaine had always had Hunter Syndrome. Blaine actually had parents that were over six-feet tall but could not grow an inch past five foot seven point five. Blaine could physically not grow past the barely five-foot-eight mark he had for himself because of his bone structure, which was also abnormal. Kurt didn't realise this until he caught a sight of Blaine's knee, a bone jutted out of position, nearly digging into Blaine's kneecap, but Blaine assured him that it was normal. Blaine had stiffer joints, somewhat numb hands, and also had developed sleep apnea. These little things were signs that something was off with Blaine and it was. Apparently, Blaine had a rare metabolic disorder that meant that an enzyme he needed was not malfunctioning properly or was missing and depending on which, he had one of the subtypes. Even with the less severe syndrome, Blaine was still suffering hell.
With that thought, Sebastian remembered Blaine mumbling about how stiff his joints were, and due to the stiffness, he couldn't move as much, but that only made his joints stiffer and more painful. This led, to of course, more chronic complaining. Kurt had ignored it for some bit before Blaine's mere stiffness and strange sleeping patterns had developed into recurring pneumonia. Blaine was hospitalised four times last school year. Kurt did not ignore Blaine at all anymore when Blaine said he was feeling slightly sick because it can mean something horrible for him. Sebastian remembered the last time he'd seen Blaine, sickly, pale, with an incredibly low weight and vacant, sad eyes. He barely looked like Blaine at all. The metabolic disorder he had gave him recurring respiratory problems. Sebastian sometimes wondered how Kurt felt. Blaine can die in seconds at any given time and any place if he just stopped breathing. He wondered how that felt like, to know how close you are to death, at any given time of day, every single day of your life. That didn't sound like a way to live, but who was he to talk?
Sebastian didn't realise he was yawning until he put his hand over his mouth. Kurt was also shaking his head. They'd be up so early in the morning as well, working on this. The machine was on override, but did not seem to recognise this. Kurt shook his head, and pulled Sebastian down. "You need to sit down," Kurt had been noticing that Sebastian was dizzy as well. "When was the last time you ate?"
"I honestly neither give a fuck nor keep tabs on that shit," Sebastian murmured.
"Sebastian, not again," Kurt sighed softly. "You cannot go on destroying your body like this. Did you at least remember to drink anything this time that isn't hard liquor?"
"I gained weight."
The overweight blonde snorted. "How? You barely eat."
Sebastian shrugged as Kurt added on. "Well, alcohol does have an obscene amount of calories and a lot of it and we all know how lewd your alcoholic intake is."
"Who uses lewd in a real life conversation?" Sebastian frustratingly quipped.
Just as Kurt was about to quip back to him, the blonde had chirped towards them. "Boys, I want you to come here and look at this!" Sebastian and Kurt hurried off to the control panel, seeing that the colours were still brightly flashing in a healthy consistent green. This was the longest they had a sustainable machine for.
Sebastian had completely forgotten the dizziness that was weighing him down a few minutes ago and sat down beside the blonde, eyes set on the machine. Kurt had never seen so much hope in those eyes. "Come on, baby, come on." Sebastian ushered the machine. Kurt would normally roll his eyes, but he can hear the near quiver in Sebastian's voice. He can see the dismay, the torment and agony that Sebastian had gone through day after day just trying to get this stupid machine to work. It had to work. It just had to.
The colours were green for one second but edged on purple the next. "No," Sebastian snapped, hitting the base of the machine without hitting any button. The purple faded into an ultimate red, which Sebastian was dreading. Kurt's heart panged in pain when he saw that red flash that they were so accustomed to. The whole lab went out before coming back again. Everything flickered on and off, as Sebastian pressed his head against the machine. Kurt placed his hand on Sebastian's shoulder and sat across from him.
"Honey, it's alright," Kurt comforted him, feeling the obligation to cajole him. "It'll be better next time—"
"There is no fucking next time," Sebastian snapped back coldly, as Kurt stared into those sad, lost eyes. Kurt had seen those eyes before, with Blaine when he was dying on that hospital bed, hooked to a ventilator to breathe, unable to speak but his eyes…his eyes told Kurt everything. Kurt hugged him tightly, as Sebastian stared at him with an arched eyebrow before relaxing into the embrace. Kurt suddenly remembered that this was mostly Chandler's domain, so he was just about to move away when Sebastian hugged him back, pressing his head against Kurt's shoulder. Kurt pressed his lips against Sebastian's cheek. Kurt rubbed Sebastian's back as he nodded to the blonde to leave.
Upstairs, Kurt had stripped Sebastian's bed and made him get into it. Sebastian raised an eyebrow as Kurt slid into the bedside with him. "Blaine's at his parents' house," Kurt explained. Kurt did not like to sleep alone anymore. Sebastian didn't blame him. After all the death and close to dying shit Kurt's seen, he didn't like to be alone most of the day. If he died in his sleep, at least he'd have someone there, even if it was Sebastian damned Smythe. Kurt stared at Sebastian for some time. "Does your Father care about what you're doing to his company? I thought it was his baby."
Sebastian shook his head. "This company means a shit tonne to him," Sebastian acknowledged, with a slight nod. "I'm doing shit with it. He hasn't said a word, because thing is, Hummel, I am his son. He just wants to see me happy or some elaborate shit."
Kurt looked at him for a moment. "I've never seen you happy before," Kurt acknowledged. His eyes were inquiring the thought. "I suppose it must be beautiful."
"Chandler said the world stopped when I smiled," Sebastian gave a weak smile then, and Kurt slowly nodded his head. "I told him that the only world that was stopping was the screwed up world in his head because dammit, the Earth was still turning and people were still living. What would Chandler say?" he shook his head at the memory and slight disbelief of the notion still.
Kurt smiled weakly as well, before adding on. "He'd say that that world doesn't matter because the world is only how we perceive it, so yeah, you dummy, your smile stops the world and my world is the most important world anyway because this is my story. I'm writing it and you're in it."
Sebastian recognised it, word for word. "Did you just quote Chandler?"
Kurt gave a mischievous smile. "Perhaps."
Sebastian curled up slightly close to Kurt, but not too close for comfort. Kurt lay beside him, keeping his phone alert just in case Blaine texted him. Kurt pressed his head against the pillow. "Does Chandler sleep here?" when Sebastian mutely nodded his head, he inched forward and rolled Kurt to the other side so that he was facing the dresser. Sebastian placed his chin on Kurt's shoulder, his arms loosely wrapped around Kurt's waist as Sebastian finally said. "He used to hold me too."
Kurt's hands wandered upwards, holding onto Sebastian's arms, curling up just a bit closer. Sebastian nodded his head slightly. "You're warm," Kurt murmured as Sebastian pulled in just a bit closer.
"And you took an ice bath in bitch-cold water," Sebastian finally chose to comment. Kurt would've quipped back something but he had honestly drifted off to sleep, or was trying to. Sebastian held on just as tightly as he could after some time. Sebastian remembered how Chandler felt like underneath him. Chandler was always so strange. He was so cold sometimes that it hurt, or he was feverish. He remembered when he wrapped his arms around Chandler only to be met with less of Chandler. He was so much thinner when he'd died. Sebastian remembered Chandler being less jumpy; more frightened—was someone following him? Chandler knew he was a target for something. He had to have. He wasn't sleeping well, or eating well. He was just strange. His moods were strange. He was randomly sad, randomly happy, randomly everything.
Sebastian knew one thing – Chandler was mostly happy. When he was happy, he slept well and ate even better. Actually, Chandler can ingest everything when he was happy and kept on bitching about how he was gaining weight. Sebastian can't see it unless Chandler suddenly gained ten pounds of nowhere, but usually he bounced up five pounds. The scariest thing in the world was when Chandler would completely stop eating when he was sad. It horrified Sebastian, having to see Chandler live off nothing more than coffee, water and soda for days sometimes. If Chandler didn't get killed, he'd die off malnutrition and weighing far too little for his own damned height.
"It's four am, Sebastian, go to sleep." Kurt murmured. Kurt hadn't even opened his eyes, but he somehow knew that Sebastian was still wide awake.
When Sebastian had woken up, the first thing that hit his nose was the scent of food, and not just any food, good, nicely cooked fresh shit, which meant one thing: Kurt Hummel was being as domestic as shit and was making delicious breakfast. Sebastian wandered downstairs only to find Kurt standing there beside the stove, flipping over nice-looking pancakes. The table was already set. The pancakes full of sugar-free syrup and low-fat butter. On the table, there was a lot of crispy bacon, hard-boiled eggs, omelettes with feta and toast.
"Are you inviting the army for breakfast too?" Sebastian obnoxiously asked as he eyed his food choices, taking the peanut butter from the middle of the table and spreading an abnormally thick layer on the toast.
"I wanted a nice old-fashioned good-natured breakfast," Kurt mumbled, 'but ended up being confused over bacon and eggs, and if eggs, hard-boiled or omelette…then I thought that toast was generally tradition and then remembered pancakes so I am slightly confused for it. I made everything just in case you don't like eggs or toast…or bacon—"
"Who doesn't love bacon?"
"Let's see…" Kurt feigned a face of thought. "Vegetarians, vegans, self-conscious people sometimes…Jewish people…Muslims, people who are allergic to bacon, people who don't like bacon…"
"Besides them," Sebastian rolled his eyes.
Kurt just shrugged. "I'm sure to leave you all of it, considering that you have a small infatuation with bacon," he sighed as he picked up a plate, placing a few eggs, a hard-boiled egg, an omelette, and a piece of toast. He had one pancake on his plate as well and decided that the rest should be for Sebastian who was already making a bacon and omelette sandwich.
Kurt stared at him as Sebastian ate before asking. "Is this ethical?"
"What?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow.
"Trying to bring Chandler back to life," Kurt said, leaning back towards the table. "Is it ethical? Trying to revive something that has been once dead? What makes Chandler so special than any other dead body in this world? I loved Chandler too, Sebastian, but playing with death…what is the consequence of playing the role of Death? Yes, I do not believe in God, Sebastian, but Death is a visible thing. The huntsman is real and yes, he is part of the Bible, or so, but I believe in tangible things. There is tangible evidence that Death is here and he takes people. How would it be to cheat Death? What karma will follow you? And most of all, Sebastian, what if what you bring back isn't Chandler?"
"It's Chandler's body and his mind, dammit. I'd rather have something close to Chandler than have him gone all together and you know I go to church and you know I'm fucking religious, and I'll spend all of my fucking time in Hell for what I've done but…I just need to see him stare back at me, just one more fucking time, see his eyes open with recognition, just five more fucking minutes is all I need. I cannot do Christ's work, Kurt. I can't bring back the dead with the snap of a finger, but Chandler isn't dead." Kurt was staring at Sebastian like he was delusional. "Scientifically speaking, his cells are still alive. It's like he's in a deep comatose state that I can just pull him out of his. His brain is barely there, but I can feel it, Hummel. He's alive. He's fucking alive. I wanted to save him."
Kurt stared at him. "Well, you've been trying to save him for years, Sebastian—when will someone save you?"
Sebastian looked down at his lap, and then back at Kurt, slamming his fists near the table. "I'll be fucking fine! I want Chandler, Kurt, but you know what? I gave up. It's all gone to waste. We're debating about nothing. I can't save him. I can do nothing! Today, I'm just disabling that fucking machine and I'm going to pull him out of that damned chamber, and that's it. In an hour, or two, his cells would be completely dead and Chandler will be no more and so can this stupid fantasy of mine. Happy, Hummel? Happy?"
Kurt shut his eyes. "No," he murmured. "But after that happens, you can finally let go of this obsession that is killing you."
"You know that I'd rather be dead than live another day in this shithole without him. It fucking hurts. You'd do the same, wouldn't you? If Blaine just went off and died, you would've done the fucking same, you hypocritical whore." Kurt's eyes remained shut as he slowly nodded his head. When he slowly opened them, tears had filled those eyes, tears that slowly spilled down his cheeks.
"Yes," Kurt finally said. "Yes, Sebastian, I would rather be dead than watch Blaine die, or have him die in that hospital bed. You know what I figured out? Blaine always has this obstruction when he falls asleep so he falls asleep with a ventilator. One night, he was just so tired that he had fallen asleep on his bed, and I was just about to wake him up. I couldn't do it. I just stared at him for some time, but then I realised how normally he was breathing. He was so happy and at rest and then it hit me harder than ever: if Blaine died that night, I would've done nothing at all. I couldn't even nudge him awake because he looked so angelic asleep…I keep feeling afraid that one day he's just going to collapse on our bed again, and he's going to stop breathing for a few seconds and if he stops breathing a second more than he's supposed to, he will be dead, Sebastian and I would've done nothing but stare at him, unable to wake him up because it hurt too much."
Kurt coughed a bit to relieve them of the tension. Their eyes met, with levelled mirrored pain and then Kurt finally asked, 'how are the eggs?"
Sebastian walked towards the chamber. He stared at Chandler just one more time. He opened up the machine just one more, with one last chance. He stared at the lit up green chamber, and then it lit up pink for some reason. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and called Kurt over. Kurt moved towards him. "What did you do?" Sebastian finally asked. He realised there had to be something different.
Kurt's cheeks coloured. "Well, um, the yellow wire did not match the set so I just took it off."
Sebastian suddenly feared that the chamber would explode and Chandler's body would be no more. A flash of pink completely blinded Sebastian for a moment. He went to open the chamber, and get Chandler's body out. He was cursing Kurt in his mind as he felt Chandler's body hit his arms. Chandler's now much warmer body, as if he was an ice cube melting in the palm of his hands. Sebastian can finally see. He heard the sound of something being strangled. He looked down and saw that Chandler was panting. His baby was breathing, and it sounded like the most beautiful thing in the world.
Sebastian placed Chandler on the chair, feeling how weak the boy's body was. He heard Chandler cough more and more as those eyes slowly opened. Sebastian saw the blueness in those eyes, the blueness he never thought he'd see again. The burst of emotion that was only confusion, the kind of confusion that was so innocent it was Chandler. Sebastian panicked slightly and then slowly, he placed his hand on Chandler's cheek. He leaned down and kissed him just in case they didn't have time. Chandler kissed back, but it was an exhausted kiss. Sebastian thought it was the best kiss he'd ever had, just because he was so shocked. It was so surreal. All of it. A second ago, Chandler was dead, but now he wasn't. Chandler's eyes were droopy.
Sebastian leaned down and pulled Chandler up as softly as he could. Chandler leaned backwards, his head hitting Sebastian's shoulder. "Chan?"
"Bassie," his voice. It was just the most heavenly thing on earth to Sebastian at this moment. If Sebastian had ever really known pure happiness, it was at that moment that Chandler's face was buried into his shoulder, that moment that he spoke.
"Chandler, shh, love, I'm taking you upstairs." There wasn't quite a manual or guideline for this. Sebastian had no idea what to do but Chandler felt weak. Sebastian had picked him up bridal style, having Chandler press his head into Sebastian's chest. He looked up at him with those big, wide beautiful eyes. Kurt was too stunned to speak for a while but he held open the door for him. They had gone upstairs where Kurt had pulled apart the duvet, opened up the air conditioning (still remembering the setting that Chandler liked), and Sebastian had laid the fragile Chandler on the bed.
Chandler smiled weakly for some time, but there was something in those eyes, and Sebastian was scared when he saw it too. Chandler looked guilty. Kurt went to get the many leftovers of breakfast and Chandler happily ate all of it. Kurt had told Chandler the entire story, and Chandler's eyes lit up like a candle realising just how hard and how long Sebastian had been working on this. After devouring more than three people's worth of food, Chandler asked if there was anymore and Sebastian laughed at the look on Kurt's face.
Chandler pouted. "I was dead for like four years," he murmured. "I'm really hungry."
"Shit, Hummel's hungry after a few hours, so…" Kurt gave Sebastian a glare for the century as Chandler drank his small amount of coffee because the last thing Kurt wanted to give hyperactive-even-when-weak-and-fatigued Chandler a grand amount of coffee.
Chandler ignored Sebastian for a bit and then he said. "I wanna go out," he drew out in a gleeful tone. "I really just wanna go out and…see birds and feed them seeds and like…maybe just run. I wanna run."
Kurt raised an eyebrow. "I'm not running."
Chandler's eyes quickly wafted over in inspection and he nodded. "Honey, with those shoes, I don't even think you can."
Kurt blushed. Sebastian was staring at Chandler for some time. Chandler yawned and said he wanted to nap, which only got a 'haven't you had enough sleep for a century?' from Sebastian but Kurt can see that Sebastian was scared of Chandler sleeping, just in case he died again, but Chandler begged Sebastian and Sebastian finally gave up and let him sleep. They wandered downstairs with Kurt holding the tray of demolished food in his hands, and then looked up at Sebastian. "Sebastian," Kurt whispered. "If…this thing really does work…uh, I honestly don't want to sound hypocritical but…if Blaine dies, I want…I want to be able to bring him back too."
Sebastian stared at Kurt for some time before he nodded his head. "Sure, Hummel," and Kurt's eyes lit up completely.
When Kurt and him had gotten back upstairs, they stared at the sleeping Chandler. They were staring at him for some time and then Chandler threw a pillow that hit Kurt's face as he turned to the other side, giggling. Kurt grumbled something under his breath that was close to 'what if I choked on fluff?' and then pushed the pillow downwards on the bed. Chandler giggled. "Birds?"
Kurt finally nodded his head. "Fine," he said, voice still annoyed.
Chandler happily got up, singing a soft tone to himself. Kurt's eyes melted. There was no way in the universe he could see denying Chandler's wish as bad. Kurt, Sebastian and Chandler had gone to the park where Chandler had sat down on the bench to feed the birds. His seeds were really pieces of popcorn. Sebastian had realised that there was a sun, something that he hadn't seen in such a long time. His eyes met with a cop and his heart thudded, as the man walked towards them. The cop had dark eyes, and broad shoulders. "Wasn't he dead?" he murmured and Sebastian realised that the police were there.
"Ugh, no," quickly, a voice covered for them. "That was like his twin."
Kurt was calmed down now. Finn was standing there in standard cop uniform. It was strange. Finn hadn't ever wanted to work with the police, but that was how he ended up with. Bailey was in his arms this time, and Kurt smiled weakly. Bailey was Finn and Rachel's baby girl, whom had her Father's assets, except for Rachel's high cheekbones where was showing on that girl. Kurt's stomach twisted every time he saw Bailey. Rachel had left for her dreams, leaving Bailey in Finn's care.
Bailey? Kurt had asked Finn when he'd chosen the name for the child.
Bailey always reminded me of bay leaf, and when my Dad was alive, my Mom would put it in everything she'd cook because he liked the smell, Finn had explained to Kurt. Kurt was amazed at how amazing Finn's memory was sometimes. Finn had honestly covered for them. The much stricter cop, Cillian, stared at Kurt for some time, before shaking his head and walking away. He still looked beyond suspicious, which was not a good sign.
"Congrats, Sebastian dude," Finn quickly said. "I…I sort of know how much he means to you."
Sebastian slowly nodded his head. Chandler was so unaware, happy and then throwing pieces of popcorn. He'd gotten bored quickly though and had moved to look at Sebastian. "I want to like go shopping now."
"Finally!" Kurt exclaimed as he moved towards Chandler after a sudden burst of energy. Chandler giggled as Sebastian rolled his eyes and then alert of their words, finally said, "Chandler, remember – I didn't go grocery shopping yet so I need enough money by the end of this to get food so we can live! I can't chew designer Prada! It's leather and it's revolting!"
By the end of it all, Chandler was still restless and just as Sebastian tried to tell him at nearly four am that he had to sleep, Chandler had stripped down and laid in a perfect position with a pout, telling Sebastian that he wanted to be touched. So with that, Sebastian proceeded to fuck Chandler's brains out. Chandler had only fallen asleep for three hours before waking up again and apparently making breakfast. Sebastian was worried for what this physical activity was doing to him. He looked weaker. Sure, he ate well and he spoke far too fast for Sebastian's liking but Sebastian can't help but feel something will go amiss if Chandler still pretended like he was just fine and that he wasn't resurrected back from the dead.
That morning, Sebastian had sat down and stared as Chandler had eaten an egg salad sandwich when Sebastian had finally asked Chandler, 'babe, who killed you?"
Chandler choked on the sandwich and Sebastian moved towards him, patting Chandler on the back. Chandler suddenly looked so much paler in seconds as Chandler had dropped the sandwich into the trash can. Chandler looked instantly different. "Why would you say that?" his voice was full of worry. "I'm not dead anymore, so why do you care? Did you bring me back just so you can know who killed me and you can solve a really big puzzle? Why?"
Sebastian was shocked at Chandler's sudden change of thought process. "No, Chan, I wanna find them and kill them for what they did to you, babe."
"No!" Chandler shook his head. "Don't kill anyone, Sebastian. I…I…you didn't find the tape." He looked so troubled and anxious.
Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "There was a tape? A tape of what?"
"Nothing," Chandler whispered. "Let's just not talk about this anymore. It's making me upset."
Sebastian shook his head and looked away from Chandler's eyes for just a moment's time, but then he stared straight into those eyes. "You're sad. You've been sad since I woke you up and don't lie to me, Chandler. Is any of that true?"
Chandler's eyes slowly wandered to Sebastian's as he nodded his head. "Uh huh," his voice was low, like a child's.
Sebastian sighed and then stared at him. "I'm tired," Chandler admitted. "I'm really tired and I…I know that you had to go through a lot to get me back but…"
"But what, Chandler?" Sebastian asked, eyes dark. "But what?"
"But I'm not a happy person anymore."
"You're depressed." Sebastian deciphered and Chandler slowly nodded his head. "Chandler, how long have you been depressed when you were alive? I remember, Chan. You aren't good at masking depression. You keep drifting off into another world, thinking and can't concentrate on whatever the fuck I'm telling you and your entire sleeping and eating schedule changes. You're always damn asleep and you never eat. And by never eat, I mean I don't see a single thing pass by your fucking lips."
"You knew," Chandler said in a soft voice.
"Of course I knew, Chandler. The whole state knew that something was wrong with Chandler, but nobody could ask you about it, not even me, because we were honestly scared, Chan, that if we said one single thing, you'd start crying or doing something stupid and rash."
"You thought I'd kill myself," Chandler deciphered, as he stared at Sebastian with those soulful blue eyes. Sebastian was completely thrown back by it but in all honesty, Sebastian nodded his head.
"Dammit, I'm so sorry, Chan. You just…you changed. I knew you wouldn't kill yourself. You're like this adorable little kid, but Hummel just planted that idea in my head once and told me to be as careful as shit and I don't know, Chandler…I just don't know. I'm sorry."
Chandler pulled away slightly and shut his eyes. "I'm just tired and I'm really scared, Sebastian. Honestly, I get these panic attacks and I feel like everything is rushing past me and it's scary because I feel like the world is changing or something and I honestly sometimes felt like I was going to die even before. I wanted to hurt myself and I didn't know why. I know I have a happy amazing life and you were—are—the best boyfriend in the whole wide universe but I don't know why and I thought I had to hurt myself, Bas. But I didn't," he said that last bit with a triumphed smile. It was a broken smile, and there was still that guilt behind those eyes.
Sebastian just moved towards him for a second and stared at him. "Why couldn't you tell me any of that when you were alive, Chan?"
Chandler looked up and he chuckled. "You'd get angry when I was upset. Because I was upset over stupid things. I just thought this was another stupid thing because it seemed like it was all in my head…I'm sorry."
Sebastian opened his arms up wide and Chandler slowly moved into them, pressing his head against Sebastian's shoulder as Sebastian shut his arms around Chandler, embracing him as tightly as possible. Chandler stayed in Sebastian's arms for some time. Sebastian didn't know how or what, but somehow, he'd lost the track of time, and then he lost the track of memory, because somehow, he ended up in bed with it being three am, his chin placed on Chandler's shoulders and his arms loosely holding Chandler as they slept with dreamless slumbers.
That morning, Sebastian woke up to the sound of the doorbell ringing. When he opened it up, he realised that Cillian was standing by the doorway with hard dark eyes.
"I ran a background check 'just in case' but I don't fucking need to. Chandler doesn't have a damn twin, and to be honest, I don't think I can handle two of 'em," Cillian murmured. "May I come in? And I'd love a cup of tea, two sugars, and a bit of milk perhaps?"
Sebastian honestly did not expect anyone at his doorway at this time of day at this certain day but he finally slowly nodded his head, stepping back so that the man can walk in. Cillian pulled off his coat, and manoeuvred his way towards the kitchen. Sebastian bought the kettle to a boil, as Cillian spoke. "So, that's it, Sebastian? You're playing God and bringing dead objects back to life?"
Sebastian took a deep breath. "Scientifically, Chandler was not dead. The cells take time after death to die. If you give them enough oxygen, they don't die. I bought a person that was in a supposedly permanent coma back to life…Chandler's brain was still functioning. Now, listen to me, sir…I preserved his brain, when it was still inside his head. I gave his body oxygen, nutrients were in his bloodstream, strung on by a wire to his body. Chandler's exit wound was in his lungs. I repaired him like a doll and started him just as that. Our generation can't do any of that because it believes that it's hard, the process of bringing someone 'back to life' as you'd say. I didn't do any of that. I preserved his mind, and simply started his heart with a voltage. I have to make sure this voltage doesn't kill him, or doesn't put any strain on him but is enough for him to wake up for, but however, for his mind—his brain was still working. I preserved his brain enough and made sure that no matter what, the voltage did not reach his brain or was not so high that his brain would be fried. In all essence, what I did was merely experimental. Chandler can be dead today or tomorrow. I'm just trying to find a way to spend one last few memories with Chandler because I am now ready to do so. I was not fucking playing God, Cillian. Get it fucking over with, alright?"
"Alright," Cillian said, placing his hands up in the air as his lips twitched with a dark smile. "Fine. Whatever. I'm just asking you—what makes you think that you're better than anyone else enough to get a second chance with someone whose supposedly dead?"
"Because I've spent four fucking years of my life devoted to them. Someone else would've damn well moved on. Simple as fuck, I put into the effort, and got a product out of it. Same as anyone else. I'm not a vat of rainbow shit, alright, Cillian? What the fuck is going on with you? Why are you here? Like I said, Cillian, I can't bring someone into life permanently. That's not the way it works. Chandler's only gonna stay here for a little while. He's gonna suffer and he's gonna be fucking dead and don't you think I know that he won't last long? The way I see it, I wasn't playing God or any of that shit, but God gave me this damn ability and drive to spend all of these damn years of my life, trying and I tried. And God decided, well, yeah, you're getting what you want. Fuck it, Cillian, I'm grateful and yeah, I'm a religious gay. Not an oxymoron by the way. Now get the fuck off my property."
Cillian took a sip from the cup. His black hair gleamed in the light, as he stared up. "I did specifically say that I wanted two sugars, not one."
Sebastian glared at Cillian for a substandard amount of time. "Well, I'm going to shove the other one up your ass."
Cillian chuckled humourlessly. "What a way to rectify the term: sweet ass."
In the past few days, for some reason which Sebastian realised was probably Cillian, Sebastian had gotten a lot of press coverage for the machine and what it had done. As Sebastian said and restated his story, he was rather agitated when he read the papers that morning and realised they changed the fact that Chandler was his boyfriend and wrote 'a very close friend of many years'. Sure, Chandler was his friend, but most importantly, Chandler was his boyfriend, as in he kissed and fucked him whenever he wanted. Another thing was that Sebastian was fucking tired of people piling up by his doorstep every hour of the fucking day. Sebastian had just been bluntly rude to the last nine people that dared to step on his porch, and Chandler had been neglected for this shit.
And then Cillian came by and Sebastian wanted to tear his hair off, when Cillian had just came by and offered Chandler his favourite peanut butter milkshake. Chandler smiled weakly and took it from Cillian's hands. That was strange. It was almost as if he knew that Chandler was depressed and when Chandler was depressed, he lived on a practical liquid diet with little calories. Sebastian had only had Chandler around for two days but he'd already lost a pound of weight. Sebastian did not need this self-inflicted starvation to deal with as well. It didn't help that Chandler spent more than twelve hours of the day asleep and when he was up, Sebastian had 'company' over. Chandler wasn't stupid. He knew all of this commotion was about him.
Kurt stayed with Chandler for two to six hours a day and then said he had to go to Blaine. Kurt pretty much checked on Blaine every forty fucking minutes of the day just to make sure his boyfriend was still alive and stable. Chandler found it sad but Sebastian wondered if Blaine ever had the urge to snap his phone in half. Sebastian was sure he'd have done the same too if Chandler can die any waking moment of the damn day and he was. He was always constantly checking on him, worried, horrified, wondering if he'd walk in and Chandler would be lying motionless on that damn bed and nothing Sebastian can do would bring him back. In the back of Sebastian's mind, he wanted to take Chandler on a normal night out, one last time, just before anything happened, with red roses, and candles and all of that romantic shit. Now, he can't. Now, everyone knew their story and Chandler can't leave the damn house without being pulled by someone and letting them 'check his limbs' and 'make sure he's alive'.
Cillian sat down on the couch. "I honestly need to speak with Chandler because whoever his killer is, we need to know. Considering the whole state knows – and no, Sebastian, I didn't tell anyone about this but you did take him to an open area in the park that day, anyone could've recognised him and this is a place where gossip flies around every-damn-where – Chandler's a target again so I need Chandler to tell me how this guy looks, so I can get Jimmy outside to paint a damn picture and so we can have an inkling of an idea of how this guy looks like. Jimmy, get the fuck in here!"
Cillian watched as the curly-haired boy walked inside, holding a notepad. He had a pencil sticking out of his ear, and a Pepsi balanced in one hand. "You called, boss?"
"You come on here, and Chandler's gonna tell you everything," Sebastian hated the way that Cillian said Chandler, as he rolled his r. Sebastian hated how Cillian did that, but the annoyance passed the next moment. Chandler shook his head, paling.
"No," Chandler whispered.
"Is this guy still followed you?"
Chandler didn't respond to Cillian's question, causing the man to sigh. "I ain't able to do shit, Chandler, if you're not gonna tell me shit," Cillian bluntly pointed out.
"Just go away," Chandler murmured under his breath.
"You heard the guy," Sebastian glared at Cillian as he stood up. Cillian was just about to walk out of the door when he looked back and pulled Chandler's face up slightly just to stare at him. "Hey, hey, motherfucker! Don't you fucking dare touch him like—"
Chandler stared back at Cillian. "You stare at me like I'm a ghost," Cillian laughed, as he placed his hand down towards his cheek. Chandler looked significantly paler as he nodded his head. "You are such a fucking baby it's cute. Don't think I'm not happy you're back, Chan, but the way you're back—it's not getting through my head. I think I moved on and think you're dead or something. Plus, you look as lifeless as shit. That kinda helps too."
"Stop talking, Cee, you're making me sad." Chandler looked away. "I don't like you anymore. You know this already."
"I don't like you either, but dammit, Chan, did I want to see you dead? No. Did I want to take your bloody carcass up for examination? Fucking no, Chandler. I had to be there to try and comfort your crying Mother and make sure your Dad doesn't go ape-shit and start breaking glassware."
"Our Mom and our Dad," Chandler fixed. "Ciel, I love you, but you're horrible and you're a liar and you—"
"I wasn't raised by them, Chandler. The only thing we share is the fact that we came out of the same damned vagina with the same sperm. You're got the same base, we're both damned macaroni but I was shipped off to Venice and I lived with two other people for most of my life and the only damned reason I went back here is because my girl grew up in Ohio. Alright? You ain't my brother. You ain't all that to me, but you're still something to me and yeah, I'm happy that you're back, honestly. But fuck, when you die again, does this mean that I'm gonna have to go through all that shit again? Yes? Will I be able to do it again? Fucking no, Chandler. Fucking no."
Chandler was thrown back for a minute as Cillian sighed. Sebastian was shocked at this piece of information he'd know acquired from Cillian. Cillian gave Chandler a standard call. "If you have some deranged killer after you, you call me. That's my office number and if it's really late, then," Cillian grabbed the card, picked up an open pen on the table and then wrote on the back, 'this is my house number. You just call me and I swear to God, I'm gonna bust that fucker open up like a can of tuna."
"I think it's bad," Kurt finally said, looking up to see Sebastian. "Bringing Chandler back from the dead is a bad, bad idea. I just realised this."
"You've been talking to Blaine a lot," Sebastian murmured. "Blaine isn't all for the idea of 'resurrection' but dammit, how many fucking times do I have to tell you Chandler wasn't scientifically dead? He was 'dead' but his cells were still fucking alive. It's like a set of headphones that are broken from one end and not the other. I just fixed that damn one end. I didn't make new headphones. I didn't fucking create mass out of nowhere. Like energy can be converted from one form to another, I made Chandler's state convert from one form to another. Fine? Fine?"
"Stop snapping at me," Kurt sighed as he picked up a can of soup from the shelf.
"No," Sebastian glowered down at the shopping cart that he was pushing. "I know it's a bad idea and there will be some consequence and this Chandler can mutate and turn into a three-legged zombie but I don't fucking care right now. I just wanna spend this one night with him where I can worry about nothing at all, but I can't because of press, because Chandler's sick, and because I'm so fucking busy trying to help Cee with the damn case just to make sure that Chandler's deranged killer isn't after him again by answering really boring shit-ass questions that the only time I 'have' Chandler for myself is at breakfast, which he doesn't even eat. Damn. It's been two weeks, and Chandler's lost five fucking pounds, five fucking pounds he doesn't even have to lose. He sleeps for most of the day right now. He's legit only awake for ten hours a day, and every week, or so, it's getting worse and fuck it, Hummel. Fuck it, I think he's gonna die and this is just some warning sign. Alright? So Chan's gonna die again and all of these four years would've been for nothing."
Kurt knew that Sebastian couldn't bring Chandler out to grocery shop. They'd want to touch him and pick at him as well as the fact that Chandler was as sleepy as fuck these days. The time he was awake for, it seemed like he couldn't wait to go back to sleep. He looked so weak. Kurt was silent for some time, nodding his head and then his phone went off. Sebastian saw Kurt pale.
"It's Rachel," Kurt finally said. "Blaine is in the hospital again."
"His name is Kurt," Kurt had walked in when he saw Blaine talking to a happy-looking Aphrodite-type nurse whose name tag read Annie. Sebastian had sat down on one of the chairs. Kurt had pulled up a chair himself, holding a bouquet of Blaine's favourite flowers – daffodils – and watching Blaine still transfixed as he told the nurse about Kurt, 'he tends to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in this world."
Annie smiled widely and Kurt's heart stopped. Blaine looked away slightly and placed his ventilator back in his mouth. Kurt had always berated Blaine for this habit of pulling out the ventilator when he thought he can breathe on his own. It hurt like Hell, Blaine had told him once, but sometimes, he knew when he could. Sebastian looked frazzled for a bit, as he stared at what used to be his whole world. Blaine still was his whole world, but in different ways. Blaine was like a model he admired, and wanted to touch, and hold, and serenade, but it was mostly because Blaine astounded him in ways Sebastian didn't fucking understand. It was nice. It was Blaine who had made him want to do the things he did.
Sebastian placed a hand on Blaine's cheek and he didn't need to see Blaine's lips to see that he was smiling.
"You're gonna be fine," Kurt finally said after a moment, even though Sebastian was telling that whore five thousand times during the car ride there that Blaine was going to be fine whilst Kurt bitched on how Blaine could be dead or in crucial state or dead or dying or dead or hurt or dead. Sebastian figured out when Kurt was driving that Blaine had told Kurt that if he died, he wanted it to be definite, eternal. Sebastian guessed he didn't want to be a science experiment, though he appreciated the thought if Kurt was thinking about it. Of course, Kurt hadn't admitted that he did think about it.
Blaine pulled away his ventilator, wheezing out a painful-sounding breath as he looked at Kurt. He was panting but he still managed to pull out those words from his throat. "Kurt, I'm just going to let you know that the greatest thing in life is holding you, just once, gripping…g-gripping on you really tight…and the hardest thing in the world for you to do is let go. But Kurt, let go."
Kurt bit down his lower lip, shutting his eyes as Blaine put himself on the ventilator again.
"Listen, Hummel, let go," Sebastian murmured.
Kurt stared at Sebastian for some time, and said a few words he knew he'd regret, "like you did?"
Sebastian didn't say anything for a while. "Chandler said there was a tape. Do you know anything about that?"
Blaine pulled out that ventilator from him again and Kurt was literally going to put it back on Blaine, mostly because he didn't want Blaine to be stupid with hospital equipment. Blaine placed his hand up in the air, sitting up even though it looked like just moving hurt Blaine. "Sebastian," that voice barely sounded like Blaine, raspy, dark and it hurt to hear him talk. "We do know about the tape."
Kurt looked down at his feet. "It's why I wanted to ruin your machine. It's why I took that job in your company—obviously not to get yelled at by you but rather, I gave up a large sum of my time just…"
"You made me fail," Sebastian realised. "All of these years, you deliberately made me fail."
Kurt slowly nodded his head.
"You fucking whore!" Sebastian angrily snapped as he looked at Blaine. "You too? Is your disease even fucking real? I will not fucking believe this. Four fucking years, Hummel, four fucking years. I'm going to kill you."
Kurt shut his hardened eyes. "I had to, Sebastian. I fucking had to. You don't understand. You can't disturb the dead. It's not natural. I don't care if scientifically, his cells are alive or any of that shit. He's dead. You're not supposed to bring back the dead. It's dark, and it's ludicrous and why? So you can see Chandler suffer again? Why?"
"Because I fucking love him, dammit! Why the hell would you want to bring anyone to life? What other reason?" Sebastian snapped back efficiently, eyes as cold as ice.
"It's different with Chandler. Chandler is…" Kurt finally took a deep breath. Blaine nodded towards Kurt, though he looked like he was on the brick of death himself. Kurt looked back at Sebastian as he pulled out the tape from his bag, the tape that Kurt carried around so Sebastian wouldn't find it, placed it in Blaine's video tape and played it as a recording. That was the first time Kurt and Blaine had ever shown the tape to anyone other than themselves. Sebastian sat down, eyes transfixed by the facial expression of Chandler.
"Hi, I…I guess I'm either dead or in crucial condition right now…" Chandler's voice was soft. "Tonight, I feel sad, Sebastian. The kind of sad that kinda stays with you for some time. I love you, and sometimes, I guess I was in love with you too. In these kinds of sadness, I don't know what to do, so sometimes, I just try to think of you, but I feel so empty on the inside. I love you, and sometimes, I guess I was in love with you too. I sometimes think that love is like a cloud, and it's fluffy but I tried to reach out and I wanted to hold onto something…and I found nothing. I can hold onto nothing. If nothing is nothing, and I am love then what am I, Sebastian? Nothing. I am a vast of nothingness. Dead or alive, I feel like nothing. Logically, I am a mass of atoms, and molecules and blood and flesh, that has feelings, but if I feel nothing and feel like nothing, then Sherlock Holmes would say it himself – if it's like a banana, looks like a banana, it is probably a banana. I look like nothing; I feel like nothing…I am nothing. I like tangible things. I wanted to touch thing, things like love, things like hope…I can touch pain, Sebastian. It's a wound. It's a large vast wound that swallows you up and kills you on the inside. I got lost into that. I think. I don't know. I love you, and sometimes, I guess I was in love with you too…and then I was in pain. And sometimes, I didn't love you.
"In Physics, you take the forces acting in different directions, and after all of those forces, you find the net force. Mine is a flat zero. It's a stable zero that doesn't change. It's like moving up with a constant velocity of x metres per second. My acceleration would always be zero. I can't fool facts, or dates, or numbers. And I can't do anything to stop the pain, your pain, my pain…it's tangible. It can touch things. It's going to hurt really bad but realise that I want this. I want this more than anything in the world. Sometimes, I'm in love with you. Sometimes, I didn't love you but I will always be nothing. I will always be that zero net force. I will always barely exist. I will always want to die." Chandler pulled the gun towards the middle of his chest. "Right now, I barely exist, but I'm certain I love you. I'm certain I'm in love with you. I love you, Sebastian Smythe and maybe…maybe when you're holding me…when I'm dead…then…"
Chandler chuckled softly. Sebastian was too stunned to say a word. "Bas, if I die, then you'd have something tangible. You'd have some tangible representation of love. It's not a flower that anyone can buy. Pain has its own wounds, on your skin. Nobody can imitate that wound. All objects and signs of love, whether they be flowers, or night, or Paris, or anything…it's something everyone can share, but when you're going to hold my body, it's just going to be us, and that's the way that the pain can be intangible. It's not something I can touch, but you'd be able to touch me. In that moment, you will love more than you'd love anyone else in the world and for that, I want you to look at me and say that you're happy. You're happy because you love me. You're in love with me and nothing in the universe can take the tangible love from your hands right in that very moment. You should be happy…I want you to be happy."
Sebastian looked away from the tape recording. He couldn't meet with Kurt's eyes at all.
Blaine had pulled away the ventilator for just one last time before he said, "I want you to be happy too, Kurt."
That night, Sebastian Smythe had retired home to see Chandler having had fallen asleep on his bed. Chandler was frowning, curled up, with a little bit of drool from his lips. A few seconds later, Chandler's eyes snapped open as he started to pant, barely able to breathe. Seven hours later, Sebastian was standing there beside Kurt, whom was staring at Blaine and Chandler, sitting only parallel of each other. Blaine had picked off Kurt's iPhone to write a statement considering Kurt will kill him if he took off that damn ventilator one more time. When Kurt read it, he laughed and that laughter turned to tears. Sebastian caught a glimpse, and read it quick: look, Kurt. Matching ventilators.
The next night, a numb Sebastian walked towards both of them. Blaine stared at him with slightly alert eyes as Sebastian moved towards Chandler, hooked to his ventilator. He stared at Chandler for a few moments, before pulling his ventilator. He watched a small smile curl up on Chandler's lips as Sebastian curled up in bed beside him, placing his head against Chandler's cheek, wrapping his arms around Chandler's now bonier figure. Chandler held onto Sebastian's hands, and he breathed. He tied to breathe. Sebastian heard Chandler's horrendous breathing continue for another five minutes, and then it stopped. Sebastian didn't need that disgusting heart monitor to tell him what he already knew.
"I don't feel anything," Sebastian told the unconscious Chandler. "In your fucking world, that means that I'm probably anything I want to be so yeah, Chandler, I want to be happy so I'm happy."
Sebastian laughed. It was the laugh that made him question his sanity. Blaine's eyes reflected. He knew that Sebastian's words were as true as fiction. "So fucking happy I can tear out my lungs."
Sebastian's iPhone rang. Bad joke. He looked at Blaine whom seemingly shrugged.
"What are you so damn happy about? You're probably dead too." Sebastian spitefully said.
It's alright. I'm going to Heaven so yes. Maybe I can convince some angels to make sure Kurt doesn't completely fall apart. Because I've seen people fall apart and it's not pretty. And I've seen you completely destroy yourself. That's the worst.
"According to Chandler, you're nothing and everything is nothing so we're all things of nothing floating around in space and that's why he shot himself in the chest. Might as well. There's nothing there." Sebastian bitterly responded, his eyes dark.
Sebastian looked down to see his iPhone buzzing again. Then there's no pain, and no sadness. There's just merely nothing. Nothing can be anything. Anything can be everything. Chandler was everything. You're everything. I'm everything and it hurts to lose everything, but it's better to have once loved than to have not loved at all. It's better to lose something and gain something else, than to lose everything. Don't make that mistake, Sebastian. Don't lose everything for the sake of retrieving something.
What if that something is your everything?
Find a new everything. It won't be easy, Blaine sent back. But if nothing is everything than anything can be your everything.
I have nothing, Sebastian groaned.
That means you don't have a heart so you can't love. You don't have a body so you can't exist. Or a mind. The term "nothing" does not exist. There is merely something and something makes up a part of deverything so something is everything and Sebastian, Chandler's something and Chandler's death is something. It makes up everything. If you let go, it doesn't mean you're losing an intangible part of him. You see him all around. Chandler likes tangible things, Sebastian. You said my eyes reminded you of Chandler. One of your scarves reminds me of Kurt. Chandler is tangible, Sebastian. Love is tangible. I'm telling you to let go of my being, but hold the memories close. It's the only thing that'll keep us safe, but one day, you'll have me again, another me. And we can start over, and we don't have to let go again. I promise. Just let go for now. We'll find our way, and then we can be together forever. I promise.
Sometimes, Sebastian realised, promises were nothing and sometimes, they were something, and being something meant that they were everything. Sebastian held on to everything because if he did, then he can break up bits and pieces, and find something, and that something might remind him of Chandler. Chandler would like to be remembered very much, and Sebastian can keep him in his memory, alive, tangible, and beautiful – they can be nothing to someone but to someone else, they were everything. It was the little nothings that became something's and the little something's that became everything that kept the world the way it was. Sometimes, that was okay, but sometimes, it was more than okay. It was horrific. Sometimes, it was marvellous, but most times, it was just the way things worked and if Sebastian knew something, it was not to question how things worked, but to question how he knew they worked.
warnings: character death, disease, suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies, depression and things i don't even remember writing.
xo Peanut Butter