This is the first ff I post here. It just came to my mind when I asked myself what my mother would do if Vancha visited us. And so this story was created. Don't hate me for mistakes, I did my very best.
It was a nice and normal Sunday morning. My brothers were wreaking havoc in their room, my sister was sleeping away her challenging week in university (*cough* party *cough*), my mother was doing something in the kitchen and I was lounging in my very comfy armchair reading a book. Everything nice and normal, like I said. Then, suddenly, I heard my mom.
"Aaaarrrgghhh!" I jumped up the same second I threw my (poor poor) book on my bed and rushed out of my room.
"Mom? What's wrong?!" I rumbled down the stairs ready to defend my mother from whatever was scaring her that much. Downstairs that thought was forgotten in an instant. I stared with an open mouth at the strangers who suddenly were in our living room. There was a boy, maybe sixteen, with black hair. He held his hands up in an attempt to calm everybody down. Next to the boy was a man with an orange crop of hair and a scar on the cheek. Caught up in our common boxwood was a huge bald guy with tattoos. A very small person dressed in a blue robe was trying to help him. The last one, all black und gloomy, was eyeing everything suspiciously. And, of course, there was my mother staring at the strangers with the upmost fear. I could tell by her look that she was on the verge of being hysterical.
"Mom, everything's fine", I tried to calm her. "Don't panic. Everything is fine! They are just vampires; nothing bad is going to happen." Of course I had recognized them. Who would have not? But my statement wasn't very helpful in calming my mother. Plus, the vampires stared at me now. Then the raven haired boy said:
"Ehm… I'm really sorry for intruding. Maybe we should address ourselves? I am-"
"You are Darren Shan", I nodded, "this is Larten Crepsley. In our boxwood hangs Arrow, beside him is Harkat Mulds and the one glaring at my childhood pictures", I caught Mika eyeing the photos, "is Mika Ver Leth. I know!" Both, vampires and my mom stared at me unbelieving. I blushed. "You know, there are those books and…"
"Darren, I told you that it was a bad idea to publish the diaries of yours", Larten glared at Darren.
"Well", I said, "maybe it would be best if you just sit down now. We all calm down and then, nice and sweet, we can discuss why you're here and why you are scaring my mom!" I freed Arrow from the boxwood and then shooed them to the sofa, where they sat down. On the left, in the armchair, was Mika; on the sofa were Arrow, then Larten, then Darren. Harkat took a seat on the stool. I complemented my mother into the other armchair. They all looked quite uncomfortable. Darren looked around and then he understood that it was his to explain.
"We… we don't know how we got here. One moment I was washing my pants and then… I'm here with the other guys. I'm sorry."
"That sounds much like Mr. Tiny", I stated and Darren nodded gloomily.
"Ehm, sweetheart", my mom said to me with an unusual shrill tone in her voice. "Would you mind to explain properly to me who exactly they are?" She had grabbed the armchair and her knuckles were white.
"Oh, of course, mom. Well, these nice gentlemen are vampires. Don't worry, they are not going to kill us", I said when I saw my mom paling. "They don't kill while feeding. Plus, Darren, Mika and Arrow are Vampire Princes. And the princes are the most respectable vampires and they cling to the rules all the time!" They nodded in approval. "And Larten Crepsley is the most respectable among the most respectable vampires! And Harkat is just… nice." Harkat blushed.
"They don't kill while feeding?"
"No", I sighed. So that was the most important thing throughout my entire speech of how decent they are? "But, guys, why are you here? Did that walrus tell you why he… brought you here?" All vampires – and little people – shook their heads. Then Darren asked:
"Was that envelope on the desk there a minute ago?" We all looked down. No, this envelope was definitely not on the desk a minute ago. Darren picked it up and opened it. Then he read:
"My dear friends,
I'm really sorry to disturb your Sunday routine by sending you those incredibly unimportant vampires and vampaneze. But I'm hugely bored and would to watch how you're handling them. I am sure, this will be great fun. At least for me.
"Destiny? You mean… like fate", my mom asked.
"Madam", Larten answered, "I would be very grateful if I could just second your thought of fate. But I have to say this note is sent by a powerful meddler named Desmond Tiny. Which is worse than you can imagine."
"Wait… vampaneze?" Harkat looked very worried. "Does anybody… see vampaneze?" That was right. There was no vampaneze in the living room. Maybe it was just a joke and…
"Aaaaaarghhhh!" Well, that was sounding similar. But this time it wasn't my mother, it was my sister Lil. She ran downstairs wearing not more than really short hot pants and a much too tight top. "Moooooooom! There's a guy in my room! He-" She stopped immediately when she saw the vampires. "What…"
"Excuse me, but I'm not a pervert", said a stern voice. A moment later there was Gannen Harst in the living room. Everyone stared. But not because there was a vampaneze in our living room. It was the way he was dressed. Or let's say, not dressed. He was wearing nothing but yellow boxers with pink elephants on it. I couldn't help it. I burst out in laughter.
"My eyes", shrieked Arrow and tried to shield them with his hands. But the same time he jumped up and got caught in the boxwood again. Mika covered his eyes with one hand and with the other hand he covered Harkat's eyes.
"Charna's Guts!" Larten tried to protect Darren's purity by grabbing his cloak and putting it over his assistant's head. Darren squealed with surprise. I was still laughing. Then my mother took the reins.
"Alright", she barked with her dare-not-to-obey-voice, "stop laughing, Lia! Help the guy escaping the boxwood!" I did as told. "You", she told Larten, "let the boy breath! I'm sure he knows how boxer shorts do look like!" Larten freed Darren from his cloak. "And you!" She turned to Gannen. "How dare you being in the room of my daughter half naked?"
"I'm really sorry, madam", said Gannen politely, "but I don't know how I got here. Or why…" He looked down and blushed.
"Or why you're wearing Gavner's boxers", I helped him after assisting Arrow to take a seat again. Man, this bald vampire was built. I thought about putting him into a box and sending him to roxypony.
"I could borrow him some clothes of my ex-boyfriend. Some of his clothes are still here", Lil offered. Apparently she was recovered from finding a half naked vampaneze in her bedroom and was now looking at him with interested eyes.
"I don't want to know why your former boyfriend was here without clothes on", my mom said to Lil who blushed. "Now, go and get the clothes!" Lil smiled at Gannen.
"Come with me", she said with a seductive hint in her voice. I was close to throwing up. My eyes met Mika's who had the same look. Both of us looked away quickly. Gannen reluctantly followed my sister. He looked like there was nothing less pleasurable than following my sister. I agree.
"This situation is less than nice", Larten stated. He was frowning. "What is Desmond Tiny up to?"
"Fun", I suggested. "Hmm… someone something to drink?"
"Do you have coke", Darren asked. "It's been years since I drank that…"
"No", Mika and Arrow mumbled.
"A mug of water would be nice", Larten said.
"Water… would be really… kind." My mother went to bring the drinks and I observed the vampires thoroughly. I would have to hug Mr. Tiny. Maybe. We'll see. A few minutes later Gannen and Lil came back. Everybody burst out laughing. Darren almost suffocated. Gannen was wearing baggy pants and a much too wide shirt. He looked like the poor excuse of a gangster. He blushed deeply and was just about to say something when we heard a desperate shriek.
"Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhhhh!" Wow, that was even louder and longer than the ones of my family. It came from the downstairs bathroom. Within a second everybody jumped up, raced through the living room and clogged the door of the bathroom. I had jumped on Mika's back and was now squeezed between him and Arrow who were naturally the ones in front. Larten was hanging from the door case where he had glomped himself to see something. Darren and Harkat peeked around Arrow's arm, Darren's head resting on Harkat's. Gannen watched through the gap between my head and the one of Mika. And he was the first one starting to laugh. In the tub sat Vancha. Yes, Vancha-smelly-skunky March. And he wore pink boxers with green pigs on it. Just that. I fell off Mika's back laughing and Gannen caught me, also laughing. We clang (is that past tense of cling?) to each other for support.
"Help me", screamed Vancha miserable. "I'm in a bathroom! Help me!" My mother shooed everybody away, except Larten who was still hanging on the door frame. Then she looked at Vancha and wrinkled her nose.
"You're smelling. The bathroom is just the right place for you! You need a shower!"
"Or maybe two", Arrow mumbled.
"Make that three", Mika answered. Darren grinned.
"I don't need a shower, Madam", Vancha objected. "I washed a month ago!" That was the moment my mother snapped. She grabbed a towel and soap.
"If you don't wash voluntarily, then I'll do it!"
"Ok, guys", I said, suddenly the urge of laughing was gone. I just knew too well what my mom was capable of when she was in that mood. "Everybody outside! Quick!" I shooed the vampires back to the living room and closed the door of the bathroom. Hopefully that would help against the screams of agony.