A Challenge for Super Friends:
(All characters are owned by DC comics.)
Green Lantern walked majestically into the Hall of Justice to see Hawkman and Green Arrow standing at the entrance, in apparent deep conversation.
"What are you two doing out here?" Green Lantern asked. "Why are you not in the main hall?"
"You don't want to go in there." Green Arrow murmured silently.
"BATMAN FLIPPED HIS LID!" Hawkman shouted quietly.
"Batman? Why, he's the most composed among us."
"NOT RIGHT NOW, HE ISN'T!" Hawkman pointed out.
Green Arrow stroked his beard. "Enter at your own risk."
Green Lantern shook his head and passed to two bearded gaywads and walked into the main hall. The scene was something he didn't expect. All the Leaguers were gathered together watching the commotion near the kitchen. Joining them, Green Lantern took his place next to Black Vulcan.
"What's going on, Tuvok?" He asked.
"Batman is angry at Flash for something."
Before Black Vulcan could elaborate, the shouting match between the two heroes continued.
"You're not acting rational! You're taking this way too seriously!" Flash held his hands up defensively.
"Am I? You clearly don't think it's important enough to even acknowledge it. You probably don't see what you did as wrong!"
"I don't! There's nothing wrong with what I did!"
"Obviously it is to me if I'm this upset about it!" Batman pointed his finger into Flash's chest.
Wonder Woman stepped forward. "Please. We can figure this out in a calm matter. There is no need to get angry."
"Stay outta this Diana!" Batman never took his eyes off Flash.
"Hey! Don't yell at her!" Flash shouted. "She's only trying to calm you down."
"What did Flash do anyway?" asked Wonder Woman.
"What did he do?" Batman seethed. "LOOK! JUST LOOK!"
His gloved hand pointed to the kitchen counter. It looked no different than ordinary, except for a package of Oreos that was open. Batman's frantic hand was gesturing at the bag of cookies, which didn't answer any questions.
"It's just a bag of Oreos." Superman proclaimed.
"An OPEN bag of Oreos." Batman corrected.
"So?" Aquaman questioned and stepped closer.
"Look closer, genus." Batman gritted his teeth.
"Neptune's Beard, written on it in Bat-sharpie says: 'Batman's Cookies, Do Not Touch'. Hmm. I can see why you're upset but…"
"But what?" Superman asked.
"Only a few cookies are missing. The rest are still here."
Everyone looked at Batman. He poked Flash in the chest again. "You're the one who ate my Oreos!"
"Yeah, so what. I only had two."
"Not only did you steal from me, but you left the package open! NOW THEY ARE ALL STALE!" Batman turned around and flipped the table in rage.
"Tis a tragedy." Martian Manhunter shook his head in sadness.
"This racing fuck has a whole cabinet of food JUST for him. But he wasn't satisfied with his own food, no! He went after mine! These were MY cookies. And not only did he steal them, he mocks me by only taking a few then leaving the package open so the rest are uneatable!"
"I don't know. I happen to like cookies when they are a bit softer." Superman mused.
"Well not all of us are alien freaks like you." Batman glared.
"Point is, he did it on purpose!" Batman shoved Flash.
Flash stepped backward, but quickly was back in Batman's face. "Do that again! I swear I'll knock your teeth out!"
"Gentleman, this is ridiculous! You're fighting over a bunch of cookies." Black Canary pointed out.
"They weren't just any cookies, Dinah! They were DOUBLE STUFFED!" Batman shouted.
"Oh!" Back Canary exclaimed.
"Holy Benedict Arnold!" Nightwing punched his hand into his glove.
Everyone stopped and looked at him. Green Lantern pointed his finger at the door and Nightwing walked out with a dejected expression on his face. As soon as he left, everyone focused at the problem at hand.
"Look, I wasn't thinking." Flash stretched out an olive branch. "I'll buy you a new pack of Oreos. Double Stuffed and everything."
Batman slapped the olive branch away. "I don't want your charity! I'm a rich mother fucker, and I don't need hand outs. I can buy my own God Damn Oreos!"
"Then what's the damn problem? You won't accept my apology so how can we be good again?"
"We never can be 'good again'. You betrayed my trust!"
"Bruce!" Diana reach out a hand to him, but he batted it away.
"I'm out! I'm quitting the Justice League!"
"What!?" Everyone exclaimed. "No!"
"Bruce, you can't leave, you owe me a back massage" Wonder Woman called after him, but he ignored her.
"Out of my way!" Batman pushed passed the crowd and walked out the door, knocking Beast Boy's corpse onto the floor.
"Why do we still have that?" Asked Aquaman.
"We don't need him." Flash muttered. "He didn't have any powers anyway. We're better off without him!"
"Shut up, you fuck." Wonder Woman glared angrily at him.
"Today is the first meeting of Liberty League." Batman stood in the new headquarters of his own Justice League.
Captain Marvel, The Atom, Zatanna, Vixen, Red Tornado and Power Girl all stood awkwardly before Batman, trying not to give each other confused looks.
"Before we begin, let's set up some ground rules. Rule Number One: No one touches my stuff, especially my food."
"Oh, is that why you left the Justice League?" Zatanna asked.
"Rule Number Two: No talking about those traitors unless absolutely necessary."
"Soo…. we're a new fighting alliance, right?" Captain Marvel asked.
"Yes. We're going to stop injustice where ever we see it."
"But …. shouldn't we, you know, coordinates our operations with… the other guys… so we don't do the same missions?" Power Girl asked.
"So Tit-chick thinks she has brains? Shut your mouth, you're only here for eye candy!" Batman shouted. "Rule Number Three, Never question me!"
"Fuck you, asshole." Power Girl crossed her arms underneath her massive chest. "No wonder Nightwing started his own group."
"Nightwing was banished from the cave because he washed my whites with my darks." Batman corrected her. "Which brings me to Rule Number Four…."
"You have whites?" Captain Marvel chuckled, but was interrupted.
"Will any of these rules apply to actual battle situations?" The Atom asked.
Before Batman could answer them, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Flash, Martian Manhunter, and Green Lantern walked in through the garage door. Batman jumped off the chair he was standing on and stalked towards them.
"What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was clear when I said I was through with the Justice League."
"Bruce, it's been three hours. We hoped you'd calm down." Wonder Woman said in as soft a voice as ever.
"Get out!" Batman shouted savagely, though no one left.
"Why did he choose Vixen's house as his new headquarters?" Green Lantern asked Captain Marvel.
"Because Vixen has HBO." Captain Marvel explained. "AND Cinemax."
"Aren't you a bit young to be watching Skinemax, Billy?" Superman asked.
"N-No…" Captain Marvel stammered. "I'm an adult now and I can do whatever I want. Plus Batman said it was okay."
"That's only because he wanted to watch True Blood and didn't have time place you somewhere else." Atom commented.
"We're getting off topic." Wonder Woman said. "Batman, can't you forgive Flash just this once?" Batman narrowed his eyes and pouted. "PLEASE! Besides, you owe me, remember!"
"Fine. FINE! I'll do it, but only because I keep my word. Where is that fuck anyway?"
Vixen pointed to the door leading to her house. "I think he said something about watching Family Feud, or some nonsense no one ever watches."
Batman stalked out of the garage into Vixen's house, with the rest of the heroes following him. Sitting on the couch, Flash was watching The Price is Right, shouting at a low bidding contesting while eating a bag of Jalapeno Doritos 3D."
"You goddamn son of a bitch!" Batman raged and threw the couch over, knocking Flash on to the floor. Doritos flew everywhere.
Power Girl sighed. "Flash didn't know what Rule Number One was…"
"Hmm, oh, yeah I'm fine too?" Captain Marvel addressed Power Girl's cleavage.
"What!?" Flash started "What did I do now?"
"You just had to go and eat my Doritos! Do you how hard it is to find 3D Doritos in jalapeno flavor! I had to go to four stores!"
"Dude I'm sorry!"
"Don't dude me, stand up so I can punch you in the face!"
"HOLD IT!" Vixen shouted. "You boys better pick up this mess before I take it out on your ass!"
"But he started it!" Flash pointed wildly at Batman.
"I don't care who started it, it takes two to fight. Don't make me tell Superman about this!"
"For fuck sake." Batman murmured and pulled a Bat-Hoover from his belt and vacuumed the Doritos.
"Now take it outside. I won't have you rough housing in the living room!" Vixen ordered.
"If I go outside he's going to punch me!" Flash complained.
"I'll punch you if you don't get the fuck out!" Vixen pointed at the front door. "Out!"
As everyone walked outside, Captain Marvel settled himself on the newly raised couch to watch Voodoo Dollz starring Christine Nguyen.
"Take your punishment like a man." Batman balled his fist up.
"Like hell am I going to let you hit me!"
"You ate my Oreos and Doritos!"
"They didn't have your name on them!"
"Actually they did." Aquaman reminded Flash, as he crunched into a surviving 3D Dorito.
"Ugh. FINE. You get one free shot, then we're even okay?"
"Two!" Batman placed two fingers in the air. "You stoled two of my things. After I get my hits, I'll consider forget about this."
"Okay okay… Two free hits. I swear I won't vibrate out of the way either."
Superman stood between them like a referee. "I want two clean hits. No tricks. Let's get it on!"
"Whoo, kick his ass!" Power Girl cheered, not noticing a shrunken-down Atom nestled pleasently between her cleavage.
Quickly Batman sunk the toe of his boot into Flash's groin. Flash howled in pain and fell to the ground coughing and choking on his own exasperating breath.
"Oh God! Oh God!" Flash twitched on the ground holding himself in a small ball.
"I forgot Batman has steel toed boots." Martian Manhunter spoke conversationally to Green Lantern.
"Who would have thought he'd go for his nuts?" Green Lantern replied.
"Get up, I still got one more hit." Batman complained after 5 minutes of Flash writhing in tears on the grass.
"This should count as two!" Flash whimpered.
Superman shook his head. "Counts only as one."
Wonder Woman placed her hands on her hips. "The ref has spoken."
"God Damn it!" Flash moaned as Red Tornado helped him to his feet.
"Do not despair. You only have one more strike." The android said sympathetically.
Batman's leg went back again and Flash reached his hands out and shouted "WAIT!" Superman called a time out and Flash continued. "He has to hit somewhere else. Hitting the same spot is unfair."
Zatanna scrunched her nose. "That wasn't in the first agreement. Kick him in the balls!"
Flash shot her a look. "He's killing me here! I can barely stand!"
Superman thought it over. "Well it wasn't agreed upon, but I think we'd all like to see some variety. What do you all think?"
There was some muffled conversation then an agreement was reached. "Yeah, we'd like to see something different."
"I don't know how he's going to top the first one." Aquaman pointed out.
"Like this!" Batman shouted and spin around, round-housing the tip of his boot into Flash's side, connecting with his kidney.
Flash squawked in high pitched horror and was on the ground again cursing a storm. After Superman explained where Batman had hit, everyone nodded their approval for going for a internal attack. Wonder Woman gave Batman a hug and welcomed him back into the Justice League, then reminded him of the back massage he owed her… again.
"Alright everyone, let's celebrate by having a few drinks." Vixen called out to them from the doorway. "I have some margarita mix and I can make some Nachos."
"Ooooh Nachos." Martian Manhunter pushed Zatanna out of the way and bounded inside.
Everyone followed him in, leaving Flash to deal with his pain on the grass, his fist pounding the ground in order to relieve the pain in whatever way he could. As they walked in Power Girl gasped and squeaked out a scream. When they all turned to see what the matter was, they saw Captain Marvel's trousers around his knees, his hand around his "shazam", and a dozen of balled up tissues on the floor around him.
"Billy!" Superman scowled.
"It's not what you think!" Captain Marvel stood up, pulling his tights up, which hid nothing.
Batman was the first to laugh. Then Wonder Woman. Then the rest joined in. Even Captain Marvel had to laugh at the very end of it.
"Root Beer Floats, anyone?!" Nightwing shouted and came into the living room hold a huge tray of delicious A&W Root Beer Floats, and passed them out generously to everyone.
Hand shakes, hugs, and laughter filled the house as everyone were the best of friends; super friends even. And everyone was happy and all was well with the world. Except for Flash who was busy laying on the ground outside crying tears of pain.
OR IS IT!