Only the Silence Knows My Suffering
Surrounded by three of my best friends, I suppose that I shouldn't be sad. That I shouldn't be suffering. I have much more than most could hope to every have, even if it will be ending soon.
I have Davy. He's a good man. He's got a strong mind. He knows what he wants and he'll get it, I'm sure of it. Maybe that's not worth much nowadays, my opinion, because everyone important all knows my mind's gone funny the past few days. But Davy... Davy sort of needs someone. He needs someone to hang onto. And it won't be me for much longer. I hope he finds someone.
Then there's Bill. He's got a good heart on him, but he skews what's important. Or maybe, maybe it's just that he wants something to be important. Maybe that's why he stays with his girlfriend. Maybe that's just... what he's supposed to do. I never know what he's thinking. I don't think he hardly knows what he's doing, to be perfectly honest.
Lastly, there's Miles. He has a tendency to overlook the things that are obvious. He doesn't see what he doesn't want to. It's probably not a bad thing. I just wish he would settle down with the fact that I won't be here for much longer. He needs to realize that before it's too late, before the cancer's gone and taken me too far to really appreciate Miles. I appreciate him now. I think that's another one of the things that he's oblivious to.
The silence used to be a pleasant distraction from everyday life. I used to like the silence. It was calming, soothing...
Now it's just a painful reminder. A reminder that I'll be leaving these three wonderful men behind me, my family behind me, my hopes and my dreams and my life. The silence is just painful because, when someone isn't distracting themselves, distracting me, there's just me and my thoughts. And my thoughts can be pretty morbid nowadays.
Bill has somehow draped his arm across my chest. I should probably push him away. Cuddling? He was cuddling with me. I could have made a sarcastic remark. Could have pushed him away, could have pushed the silence away. Pushed away the thoughts...
But I don't. Bill's arm is proof, proof that I'm still here, still in the present. The rise and fall of my companions chests, their quiet breathing; it's all a sign that I'm still alive.
And, even though I'm sad, I'm alive, and I have to make the best of it.
Not only for myself. For my friends as well.
I watched Third Star. I... I have never cried so much before, not over a movie. My chest ached and I was sobbing so hard that I had to keep telling myself to breathe. And then, the morphine toast quote at the end... Well, I had thought that I had gained a little composure and bam! "So, I raise-" /broke down all over again
It was terrible. But it was terrible in a beautiful way. Third Star has just won first place in this American's heart.
Feedback, as ever, is wonderful. Thanks for reading.