A/N: Like this hasn't been done before... Naruto raised by Jiraiya, guys. Warning: This will have crack-ish humor. I wanted to upload this on Naruto's birthday... which is today I think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!

Chapter One

A young, blond-haired child ran through the streets, giggling to himself furiously as he attempted to evade the pissed-off shopkeeper. Nobody ignores Naruto Uzumaki! Nobody!

Ordinarily, Naruto would've puffed his chest out in a poor display of masculinity... but he was only five. He'd be starting the ninja academy pretty soon though and then everybody would have to acknowledge his existence! He'd be Hokage eventually!

People just seemed to ignore him for some odd reason. He never really thought about why, just that they were ignoring him, up until he pranked their sorry asses.

The old man always did tell him he was a bundle of trouble to everyone around him. That's what Naruto Uzumaki prided himself on: being an incredibly annoying bundle of trouble. That's what garnered the most attention, after all.

Still, he figured that some of his pranks might have gone too far... like when he planted cockroaches in that one man's shop. The guy had to have his only source of income shut down and was forced to live a tough life for a few months.

That would've made him feel guilty, but Naruto was too much of a happy-go-lucky guy to really care or notice. He'd been living a difficult life for over a year! Instant ramen and those weird packs the Hokage made him mix with his noodles were delicious enough to sustain him, though.

At least he felt more suited to being a ninja than the other children he had seen running around. How many of them lived alone, huh? He could take care of himself all on his own. He didn't need a caretaker to feed him.

Of course, his ability to do so was primarily centered on the stipend the old man gave him... but those were just useless trivialities. Naruto Uzumaki was more responsible than people thought.

Glancing quickly over his shoulder, Naruto paled a shade when he realized that the angry shopkeeper was still tailing him. Somehow, the blond had missed the loud screaming from the man. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have dumped itching powder onto the meats the man was selling.

Then again, the man did always sneer at him, ignore him, and refuse to sell him some of that delicious-looking meat. Naruto mentally nodded to himself; the man got what he deserved.

Although, the blond would get what he deserved if the man didn't lay off. He'd probably get taken to the Hokage again or maybe even forced to clean the mess he had made.

Once more, Naruto looked behind him. The shopkeeper was gaining on him! Where were those cool masked guys when he needed them? Their ninja skills could've helped him immediately!

In truth, the ANBU were simply watching Naruto run. They would intervene if things got out of hand, but they all knew Naruto had some uncanny ability that he used to evade almost everyone that tried to catch him.

The general consensus of the observing ANBU was that watching someone else chase Naruto was funnier than chasing him themselves.

Seriously, it hurt their pride when a boy younger than many of their own siblings could evade them with ease.

The blond ducked into an alley and began hopping up dumpsters. The man skidded to a halt and entered the alleyway, glaring at Naruto gleefully. "Nowhere to run now, you annoying pest-" The man ducked as a banana peel was thrown at his head. "Stop that!" he screamed angrily.

Naruto turned around, pulled his eyelid down and stuck a tongue out at his pursuer. "Ha! Take that! Nobody catches Naruto Uzumaki! Nobody!" And then the blond was gone.

The Uzumaki would probably have to avoid the guy for a week or two. He'd likely be nursing a grudge and a cup of water from the exercise obtained by chasing after Naruto.

That was far from the blond's mind at the moment though. He looked around, scrutinizing his surroundings and trying to remember where he was. He hadn't ever been in this part of Konoha before...

There was steam rising out from within some of the enclosed areas nearby. There were some murmurs from nearby people and just like that, the area's name clicked into Naruto's head. He was at the public bathhouses!

Naruto hadn't really ever explored this part of Konoha. Not that he didn't want to, of course. So, like every five-year-old, hyperactive child, the blond began wandering around. He was too young to be yelled at for intruding on bathing women anyway. He wouldn't even be able to identify anything!

All he really knew was that the things on a woman's chest could make men pass out. It had happened to some masked guy he saw wandering the village. The dude had spiky white hair and was reading some orange book before he walked into a rather full-figured woman.

The young child had filed that bit of information away, although he wasn't really sure what he would ever do with it.

Then, the sound of giggling reached Naruto's ears. He scrunched his face up and looked around. Was someone laughing at him? He hadn't embarrassed himself in years...

That little mishap with the brown paint didn't count.

Still, the giggling continued and Naruto couldn't see anyone. Naturally curious as he was, Naruto started following the sounds of the giggles. They sounded slightly high-pitched. Maybe they belonged to some woman who was laughing at her boyfriend?

Or maybe they were doing something... something...

Naruto stopped for a moment, trying to figure out the word the old man's secretary had once said. The adjective was supposed to be... perverted? Yes, perverted! Maybe there was a couple doing something perverted, whatever that meant.

The Hokage had giggled when the secretary called him that, after all.

Then again, it might've been a joke or something. Naruto wasn't one to think too deeply though. So, he merely kept searching for the source of the giggling noises.

His search eventually led him to a man with long white hair, who was hunched over and peering into the public hot springs. Naruto would've questioned him, but his attention was stuck on the ludicrously large frog the man was sitting on.

The frog was huge! Naruto wondered just what the frog had eaten to grow so big. Maybe he could eat some of that stuff too? It would probably make people stop calling him a short brat...

More hushed giggling was heard from the man and his arm moved slightly. The man looked up at the sky before returning to his previous, hunched-over position.

Completely oblivious of the fact that Jiraiya of the Sannin was spying on attractive, nude women, Naruto walked up and said, "Hey mister, where'd you get the giant frog? Can I have one? What did he eat to get so big?"

These three rapid-fire questions caused Jiraiya to stiffen suddenly before absently waving a hand behind him. "Go away brat," Jiraiya hissed, "You're going to reveal my presence."

Naruto was immediately annoyed. "Hey, are you going to ignore me too? I'm Naruto Uzumaki-"

Further belligerent ranting was cut off as Jiraiya suddenly materialized next to the blond in a show of speed. The white-haired man clamped a hand over Naruto's mouth, effectively silencing the young boy. "Brat, what did I tell you? People are going to notice!" Jiraiya murmured.

The boy glared at Jiraiya as the man removed his hand from the boy's mouth, hoping that Naruto would remain silent. "Don't you ignore me! If you ignore me I'll prank you good! You'll see! You'll be so itchy that everyone will laugh at you and smile at me! You... you... pervert!"

Luckily, the blond was a bit quieter than before. No one had caught his or Jiraiya's presence, thus saving them from a beating by angry, embarrassed women.

Well, they first would've giggled at Naruto, patted his head, and ignored him. Then they would've beat the living snot out of Jiraiya.

Jiraiya paused upon hearing the blond rant some more and made a split-second decision that would change the blond's life forever. He also ignored the latter remark. He was not a simple pervert.

"So you're Naruto Uzumaki?" Jiraiya asked, allowing his toad summon to dispel itself as he got down on a knee and gave the young child a lopsided smile.

"Yeah! And where did the frog go, mister?"

The white-haired man chuckled slightly. "That's not a frog, Naruto. That's a toad. I can summon them from their homes."

"Really? How do you do that?" Naruto asked, gazing at the man with wide, innocent eyes.

"It's a special little technique I can do. I'm a ninja, you know."

"Really? That's so cool! I'm going to be a ninja and then everyone won't ignore me or make funny faces when they stare at me!"

Jiraiya successfully quelled his irritation towards the residents of Konoha. A Hokage could only do so much, after all. "Where do you live, Naruto?" Jiraiya still had a lopsided smile on his face.

"I live in my own apartment. The old man was nice enough to give me one. I can take care of myself! He says I'm really smart for my age too!"

Jiraiya outright laughed, patting Naruto on the head. "You're a good kid, Naruto. Why don't you come with me to meet the old man? He's the leader of the village, right?"

"Yeah, the Hokage's the strongest one here!" The hyperactive blond suddenly frowned. "I'm not in trouble am I? I swear I didn't put any itching powder in your underwear!"

The toad sage snorted. "No, you're not. I'm sure the old man will like seeing you. I have to see him too, you know."

"Yeah, if you're a ninja you'll have to right?" Naruto couldn't see a forehead protector on the man, but if the Hokage didn't have one, why did this man need one?

Jiraiya grinned. "Yep. Come on Naruto, let's go." The duo walked a few paces before a mischievous grin appeared on Jiraiya's visage. "Hey Naruto, how would you like to experience what it's like to be a ninja?"

Naruto stopped and stared at the odd man who was escorting him to the old man's office. "How would you do that?"

The grin widened. "Simple. Like this!" Jiraiya grabbed Naruto's midsection, put him on his shoulders, and bounded off, grinning at the childish laughs of amusement coming from the area above his head.

A ninja of Jiraiya's caliber reached the Hokage's office in only a minute. Naruto had a great big smile on his face, one that could probably outshine the sun.

The toad sage opened the window and entered Hiruzen Sarutobi's office, ignoring Naruto's confused questions. It wasn't often that he entered the old man's office through the window. He had done so a few times when the masked guys that watched over him got annoyed.

"Jiraiya? Naruto-kun?" The Hokage quirked an eyebrow at Naruto's position on his student's shoulders right before Jiraiya took the boy and placed him down on a nearby seat. "What's going on, Jiraiya?"

"Hey, sensei-"

"The old man's your sensei? How come you didn't tell me this?"

"Naruto, could you be quiet for a few minutes?" the Hokage asked, stopping his foster grandson from spouting more questions. The blond looked like he wanted to disobey, but nodded in assent. "Now then Jiraiya, what's the meaning of this?"

"Well, I was doing some research-" The Hokage snorted at that bit of information, "-and this little guy here happened to find me. He introduced himself as one Naruto Uzumaki."

The Hokage glanced at Naruto, who was kicking his legs while sitting on the oversized chair Jiraiya had placed him on. Hiruzen looked back at Jiraiya, silently prompting him to continue speaking.

"Anyway, he told me he was living alone, so I'm just here to ask you a question, sensei," Jiraiya began. The man was twiddling with his thumbs and appeared to be slightly nervous.

"I think I can see where this conversation is going," the Hokage said, sighing slightly. "I guess it was only a matter of time."

"So you're going to let this pass?" Jiraiya asked, surprised but happy that his sensei was going to allow it.

Hiruzen shrugged. "Danzo might not be so happy, but my teammates won't mind. I hope you plan on raising him properly, by the way."

Jiraiya's eyes gleamed and he smirked. "Of course I would. I owe Minato and Kushina that much, don't I?" he said.

"Umm, mister Jiraiya? Old man? What's going on?" Naruto quietly asked, interrupting their somewhat exclusive conversation. The blond had caught the strange ninja's name earlier.

If anything, the gleam in Jiraiya's eyes grew brighter. He turned to face Naruto fully and then got on a knee so that he wasn't towering over his godson.

"Naruto, how would you like to learn how to be a ninja?"

"But I'm going to join the ninja academy..."

"Forget that place! You don't like the people here very much, right?" Naruto shook his head, unknowingly causing the Hokage's heart to clench. "How would you like to live with me, away from all of the mean people?"

Naruto's jaw dropped.


(Jiraiya's Mansion)

"WHOA! Jiraiya-ojisan, you own this huge house? It's so much bigger than my old apartment!" Naruto cried, looking over at the giant mansion in awe.

Jiraiya's mansion was gigantic compared to the pint-sized blond. To him, it looked like the house some of those weird guys with the white eyes stayed at, only it had a second story, and it was just one house.

"You better believe it, kid," Jiraiya said, his tone prideful. "It took me seven long years to make enough to buy this, but this is where we'll live!"

"Really? I liked traveling more," Naruto replied. He nodded to himself, seemingly confirming his decision. "Yeah, I really like traveling."

"You're only five, Naruto," Jiraiya commented, grinning at his now-pouting godson. "Don't worry, once you get older we'll start traveling. After all, we've got to make you super-strong so you can be Hokage, right?"

"Yeah! Then mom and dad will be proud of me!"

Jiraiya chuckled at the boy's enthusiasm. Before leaving, he and his sensei had told Naruto everything. Everything about the Kyuubi, everything about his parents, and how Jiraiya was his godfather who had come to Konoha to find him.

Okay, that last part was completely false, but Jiraiya figured it was time to swallow his guilt and regret. He could always take Naruto along with him when he went peeping or when he met up with his contacts. The brat was pretty likeable anyway.

Although, speaking of peeping... as soon as Naruto began training in the ninja arts, Jiraiya was going to corrupt him. The path of the super pervert was too noble to not pass down to his godson! It was his right to do so!

"Come on, let's go inside. If you think the outside is fancy, then you're going to love the inside."

Jiraiya ended up being right. The outside was pretty plain, if not really large. The inside was furnished and the walls painted. There were several portraits Naruto both recognized and did not recognize.

His father and mother were in quite a few of them. There was also a detailed artist's rendition of the nine Tailed Beasts that used to stalk the lands.

Ornate stairs led upstairs to where Naruto would be sleeping. An opening in the main room led to the kitchen, which was stocked with foods that made Naruto's mouth water. Jiraiya's library would also be available for Naruto if he wanted to read anything.

Jiraiya briefly wondered if Naruto would end up taking after his mother or father in that regard. Minato loved to read for hours on end, but Kushina absolutely hated doing so, with the exception of books on sealing.

Maybe Naruto would end up becoming an even greater seal master than both his father and mother. Jiraiya wasn't worried that Naruto would surpass him; he was more concerned with how he was going to corrupt Naruto in the future.

After exploring the house, Jiraiya and Naruto sat down to eat some quality ramen- mainly, cup ramen. The toad sage could tolerate it and Naruto loved it, so why not? There wasn't a better way to have Naruto break in his new home.

The blond ended up feeling very sleepy after consuming his dinner, prompting Jiraiya to lead him to his bedroom. After getting Naruto situated, the blond yawned widely and smacked his lips.

Jiraiya left the room, anticipating the coming years with his godson.


(Nine Years Later, Konoha)

Konohamaru Sarutobi ran away from his sensei, the sunglasses-wearing Ebisu. The man kept insisting he was an "elite" instructor, but Konohamaru thought that was bullshit. The grandson of the Third Hokage didn't want to be called "honorable grandson!" all the time. It got grating.

He wanted to be acknowledged for who he was, not for what he represented. Konohamaru wanted to be his own person.

"Honorable grandson! Please wait! We must continue the lesson!" Ebisu called out, lightly jogging towards Konohamaru. The brown-haired ninja-in-training turned a corner and entered the district where the bathhouses and hot springs were.

Not many people knew of Ebisu's secret weakness, but Konohamaru knew! That totally counted for something. His sensei was... a closet pervert! Ebisu simply could not resist the temptation to peep on the attractive women using the hot springs!

He was about to run further, but a hand latched onto his shoulder with a iron grip. Konohamaru sighed in defeat and grumbled to himself. "Honorable grandson, how will you become stronger and live up to your title if you keep running? This isn't part of your duty," Ebisu explained.

The Third Hokage's grandson was about to utter a retort, but there was some giggling that caught his attention. It didn't escape his teacher's notice, either.

The two began to head towards the source of the sounds, driven by curiosity. Konohamaru did not notice the pink tinge on Ebisu's face, else he would've screamed "closet pervert!".

Eventually, the two were by a wooden fence that enclosed an area with steam rising from it. A nearby sign had the kanji for 'female bathing area' on it. Both student and sensei saw two figures on two toads, peering over the fence and giggling lowly to themselves.

Two super perverts were immediately recognized. Ebisu did the most honorable thing he could think of: he ratted the two perverts out. "How dare you two peep upon this establishment! This is not an acceptable hobby for shinobi! I, Ebisu, will-"

"Quiet down, we're enjoying the show here," the ninja on one of the toads said. He was wearing an orange sage vest with a dark blue short shirt kimono with matching pants. Underneath those articles of clothing was mesh armor. The ninja was wearing dark blue shinobi sandals and part of his spiky blond hair was tied back into a short, neat ponytail.

He looked like his godfather, only certain color schemes were swapped. Naruto Uzumaki was such an amazing ninja that even his horrible fashion sense couldn't degrade him. He was that good at stealth.

Years of practice – such as the threat of angry kunoichi – had honed his skills to that degree.

The blond's forehead protector flashed as he returned his view to the hot springs, stifling a slight giggle as he did so. The next one who spoke was Konohamaru, "Perv-"

"Quiet down, brat," Naruto murmured, suddenly appearing next to Konohamaru. "You're going to get us found out. Haven't you ever heard of the bro code?"

Konohamaru grew angry at being called a brat and was about to scream some more when Ebisu intervened. "Nonetheless, you are a ninja of Konoha and you are participating in such unwieldy activity! It is my duty to stop you!"

The other ninja finally sighed in annoyance. "I guess we can't put off our appointment any longer, eh Naruto?" His godson nodded, prompting both toads to lash out with their long tongues.

The tongue of Naruto's toad ended up grabbing Konohamaru. Jiraiya's toad grabbed Ebisu. Both student and sensei were unceremoniously flung into the women's baths.

"Time to beat it?" Naruto asked, grinning up at the toad sage.

"Oh yeah," Jiraiya replied, nodding sagely.

They both stepped into a Body Flicker Technique and reappeared in the Hokage's main office with a grandiose flourish. Too bad it was occupied with another genin team.

Team Seven, with sensei Kakashi Hatake and students Sakura Haruno and Sasuke Uchiha were attempting to convince the Hokage to let them participate in the upcoming Chunin Exams. Their final teammate had been unfortunately killed in a C-rank mission the team had attempted.

That particular mission was simply eliminating bandits, but that member of Team Seven had fallen nonetheless. It was a pity and no one ended up caring. Not even Kakashi, who was usually all 'hoo-hah' about teamwork gave a damn.

Such was Naruto's influence.

The Hokage blinked at the sudden wind and scowled at the leaves now littering his office. "I thought I told you two to come by hours ago," Hiruzen bit out, shelving the conversation he had been having with Team Seven.

Kakashi was nonplussed about the sudden appearance – he had bestowed upon Naruto the ability to be somewhat fashionably late long ago. Although, his late sensei's son had some weird choice in attire.

Sasuke, for the most part, was completely stunned at the nonchalant appearance of these two ninja. He'd admit he'd tensed, but that was only because the two had appeared so suddenly.

Sakura was confused as to what was going on. Two ninja in strange clothing had suddenly appeared and none of the ANBU nearby had so much as reacted. She glanced at them and gasped loudly, causing everyone to stare at her. "Y-You're Jiraiya of the Legendary Three!" Sakura stuttered out.

"What am I, ANBU? Actually, that would be pretty neat," Naruto mused, tapping his chin in thought. Then he began wringing his hands together in an obviously devious fashion. The Hokage instantly recognized Naruto's train of thought and palmed his face.

Last time the Hokage had checked, Yugao was taken... but that had been quite a while ago. Naruto was too young for her, too... but he had learned never to underestimate Naruto when the blond wanted something.

"Naruto, I think we should officially introduce ourselves, don't you think?"

"Definitely, ojisan," Naruto agreed, nodding much like his godfather usually did.

Both shinobi folded their arms and quickly turned around. Despite being in a sealed office, the wind somehow picked up, sending the leaves the two ninja brought in flying. The Hokage groaned while Kakashi, Sakura, and even Sasuke gazed upon the two in curiosity.

"From beyond the mountains of the samurai..." Jiraiya began.

"...to the swirling tides of Uzushio's past..." Naruto continued.

"...ladies love us..."

"...men want to be us..."

"...ladies swoon in our presence!" Jiraiya boomed, turning around with a goofy grin on his face.

"...And men are jealous of what we hold within!" Naruto added, turning around just as his godfather had done.

"I am the great and gallant toad sage, Jiraiya!"

"And I am his apprentice, the insane, peeping fox known as Naruto Uzumaki!"

Both ninja stood shoulder to shoulder and crossed their arms, laughing loudly as they did so. "Together, we are known as the epitome of masculinity! We are the Mighty Soldiers of Mount Myoboku!" They finished with a thumb jerked in the other's direction.

Nothing happened for a few seconds until Kakashi slowly began to clap. "You two have improved since the last time I've seen you," he said.

"Considering it's been a few years, I'd expect that," Hiruzen dryly muttered. He cleared his throat, catching everyone's attention, including a highly confused Haruno and Uchiha. "So, I suppose you two are here for the Exams?"

Jiraiya nodded. "Yep. You told me you needed an extra, so I got one."

"Hey! I'm not an extra!"

"All right, fine..." The toad sage's eyes gleamed. "I got you a spare instead."

Naruto fell over at that, but quickly rose and dusted himself off. "I'm going to ignore that. Anyway, old man, do I have to do this? Bubblegum and the Uchiha can surely do it on their own."

Sakura raised an eyebrow at the cavalier way Naruto was addressing the Hokage while Sasuke simply stared.

"Yes you do, Naruto. You're not an official chunin yet. You're getting a promotion regardless due to mission and skill merit alone, but this is a way to get us more jobs while we're at it," Jiraiya said, grinning at his frowning apprentice. "Besides, you haven't heard the best part yet."

Sasuke, who had correctly deduced that Naruto was going to be their new teammate, perked up a small bit at the prospect of hearing the so-called "best part". Sakura did the same.

"There's been additional teams sent from the villages you've visited," the Hokage said, taking over for Jiraiya. "I think you've done more than you think."

Naruto blinked and rubbed his hands together. "Oh yes... I'll definitely join the Exams now. This has effectively redeemed everything about the Exams, in my opinion."

"I'm sure," Hiruzen deadpanned. "Anyway, you've already met Kakashi before, but please meet Sakura Haruno-" Bubblegum waved uncertainly, "-and Sasuke Uchiha." Uchiha grunted in response.

"I've already introduced myself," Naruto declared, shrugging in reply. "So are we going to do some teamwork exercises?"

"The Exams start tomorrow," Kakashi muttered, his orange book already back up. Somehow, he had received an autograph from both Jiraiya and Naruto despite no one ever seeing such a thing happen. "Don't you want to really introduce yourself? You know, likes-"

"No," Naruto promptly said. "As for the exams... eh, we'll figure it out," Naruto shrugged once more, not really caring either way.

Kakashi sighed to himself. "I guess I'll have to try to set something up then. Come on, you three." Naruto waved good-bye to his godfather and foster grandfather, leaving them to discuss certain matters amongst themselves.

The walk to the training field Kakashi led them to would've been silent if Naruto hadn't been chatting about everything and anything that came to mind. Other people liked it when he did so and Bubblegum seemed to be interested, so why not?

"Are you really a ninja?" Sasuke finally said, glaring at the blond-haired enigma in front of him.

"One of the best," Naruto smoothly replied, pasting a grin on his face for the Uchiha in front of him. "Is there a problem?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Fight me," he demanded. "I'd like to see just how good you are."

"You're not going to win," Kakashi matter-of-factly said. He ignored Sasuke's subsequent glare.

"Err... Sasuke was the Rookie of the Year," Sakura hesitantly stated. Her voice was slightly subdued. It was kind of a relief for Kakashi and Sasuke – Naruto didn't know that, though.

That particular annoyance was all subjective anyway.

"Tell that to someone who gives a damn." Naruto smirked at Sasuke, who took up a fighting stance as Sakura and Kakashi backed away. "All right, how we doing this? Techniques, illusions-"

"-You can't do illusions," Kakashi remarked, absentmindedly flipping a page in his book.

"Shut up, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto snapped. "That's not my fault! Blame my mom!" Kakashi snickered in reply, although whether it was directed towards Naruto or the orange book in his hands was unclear.

"Everything goes except for lethal force," Kakashi said in a bored tone of voice.

Sasuke smirked and launched himself at Naruto, who was still scowling at his sensei-

-only to end up on the ground with Naruto's foot on his chest. "Damn, that was easy."

Sasuke's jaw dropped. He hadn't even seen Naruto move! What the hell kind of training regimen was he under?

A small part of Sasuke's mind did remind the Uchiha that technically, Naruto was the Legendary Jiraiya's apprentice. That sparked a bit of annoyance.

"What about you, Bubblegum? Do you want to try?" Sakura frowned at her nickname. "Oh, don't be like that! I have a nickname for everyone! I call my godfather a perverted hermit, I call Kakashi a perverted mask-wearer, and I call old man Hokage a closet pervert!"

"Is there anyone you don't call a pervert?" Sakura asked, glaring at Naruto.

"Run that statement over in your head for a moment and you'll have your answer," Naruto replied, a cheeky grin on his face. "Anyway, I'm heading to the hot springs since this training is relatively useless and I'm taking this guy with me." Naruto grabbed Sasuke and dragged him along. The Uchiha looked like he'd rather be anywhere else than with his new teammate.

Kakashi shrugged and let them go.

After a few minutes of resisting being dragged, Sasuke finally began to walk on his own. "Where are you taking me?" he snapped. "I have training to do. The Exams start tomorrow!"

"Training won't help you in a day. In this case, I find it easier to relax," Naruto explained. When the two reached the hot springs district, Naruto sat down near a fence and took out a brush that had ink on. He wrote some symbols down and grinned.

"Is that sealing?" Sasuke asked, interested despite himself. He was also wondering why they weren't in the hot springs and why they were next to the wooden fence that enclosed the female area of the bathhouses.

"It's a form of it," Naruto admitted. He put his face closer to the fence and grinned widely. "Oh yeah, I'm so amazing. Very nice..."

Sasuke made to speak, but Naruto shushed him and dragged the Uchiha towards the fence. "Look at this seal and I know you'll enjoy sleeping tonight." Naruto had a smug grin on his face.

The so-called last Uchiha shrugged, thinking that he didn't have anything else to lose. He peered into the wall and waited. Slowly, the portion of the wall began to fade, giving Sasuke a view of some very attractive, nude women.

Naturally, he flew backwards in a burst of blood. Most of it was expelled through his nostrils.

"Huh," Naruto mused as he peered at the unconscious Sasuke. "You'd think he'd done this before..."

All teenagers were supposed to do that kind of stuff... right?

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. If you've read the junk that is Alternate Timeline, then you're probably aware that I can't write legitimate harems seriously. So instead we'll have Naruto vying for the attention of every kunoichi (or non-kunoichi female) ever instead. It's not logical, but whatever.

This means that the females that I haven't written about before will be written in this story. Because Naruto is an awesome, insane, perverted bastard. That's why.

All women will be accepted.

Just an FYI: I am not a derogatory sexist! This is just for fun!

Read and Review! Request too! Any kunoichi/females you want? Naruto's encountered nearly everyone over his travels with Jiraiya, so go nuts.

EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed some typos courtesy of fermontie.