Aesira Skywalkeriria Ainulindalondeque Romanoff knew Loki was different from the other boys at school.
She noticed it the very first time she laid eyes on him - there was something about the way he blatantly pontificated his eyeshadow when he scrambled. Also, he seemed to have unusual knowledge about astronomy. And just last Tuesday after Art Appreciation, she saw him lick his own elbow. There was something else she knew: she was in love with him. But she didn't know how to win his affections, for he was always cold and distant. One night, Aesira was reading magazine about paranormal creatures when she realized the truth: Loki was a frost giant!
The next day after class, Aesira saw Loki head off to New York City. ''It's now or never,'' she told herself with resignation, and motated after him. When she caught up to him, he was standing behind the flag pole.
''Loki, it's me, Aesira Skywalkeriria Ainulindalondeque Romanoff." She looked down, for a moment, and then gazed into his Urple* eyes. " I... I have to tell you something... I love you!''
He sighed deeply and oozed toward her. ''Oh, Aesira, there are things you don't understand about me.''
''I know more than you think,'' she breathed. ''I know that you're a frost giant.''
''It's more complicated than that,'' he said, staring into her scanty eyes. ''Love between your kind and mine is forbidden. They would destroy us both if they knew.''
''I don't care,'' Aesira said. ''I could never live without you.''
''Truly,'' she answered.
He reached up and gently caressed her toe nail in his maroon hands. ''I love you, too,'' he then he kissed her. His kisses were like Mihi's pants-scented* ducks upon her lips. The days and weeks that followed were immortal. They shipped Thor/OC, flamed Mary-Sues, and roasted Minotaurs. It seemed that nothing could come between them. One night while bouncing on a bed, a trumpet blast was heard from outside the cellar window. ''They've found us,'' Loki whispered. ''At least we've had this short time together.''
''I won't let them take you from me,'' he promised.
As soon as he spoke, the leader of the fill-in-the-blank-bad-guys burst through the door. ''Stand aside!'' the leader ordered Loki.
''Never! She is my true love, and you will not take her from me!'' Loki stood defiantly between Aesira Skywalkeriria Ainulindalondeque Romanoff and the leader. (Who in truth was named Norbert, but nobody seemed to care.)
''Then you will both die!''
The leader lunged forward, but Loki stood his ground. With a hiccup, he met the-leader-who-was-Norbert head-on. In a swift move, Loki ripped off his left tonsil and kicked him in the eyelash. Mortally wounded, Norbert gasped and as their mighty leader fell to Loki's delicious strength, his underlings panicked and ran away, disappearing into the night.
''That was amazing,'' Aesira breathed.
Loki leaned down and gently brushed his lips against hers, his Mihi's pants-scented breath caressing her cheek. ''Your love for me gave me the strength I needed. Now, everything is perfect.''
''Everything would be perfect if you made me like you. I know you can do it.''
''Are you sure? If I did this, you'd never be able to waste time again.''
It was a terrible dilemma, but Aesira's mind was made. ''I'm sure,'' she breathed.
Loki crammed Aesira Skywalkeriria Ainulindalondeque Romanoff's spleen, allowing his very essence to flow into her body. She sighed, and then, the transformation was complete. Aesira was now a amputated frost giant, just like Loki. Everything truly was perfect.
Ok, ok, don't kill us, please! It's just a crack!fic generated with a madlib. (With some modifications.) 8D This is basically poking fun at all the Loki/OC fics out there; most of the OCs are blatant Mary-Sues - or at least ones we've seen. We think that Loki really shouldn't be romantically paired with anyone.
*DarthMihi has this one pair of sweatpants that smell really weird, and Celt can smell them from at least 5 feet away. It's completely jnaijbfgpiajbdfpgiab ...Agh! I was gonna say ...cool! ;)
*Urple is a fan-made color generated in the LOTR fandom. Think of it as a combination of pink and purple in the worst way possible.
~DarthMihi and RandomCelt