A/N: Started out as a one shot for Valentine's Day. I've always liked Vampire Bella with Alpha Jacob, the whole "maybe even then" idea. This was kind of my take on that from a different angle this time.
Will contain graphic sexual content within the story. If this offends you, please do not read. I don't mean to disrespect the site or its moderators but trying to edit out all the lemony parts and revising the writing to make it fit without them was too time-consuming.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.
Bella stared into his eyes as he moved. She had lost herself in his dark depths long after she had met him near the treaty line. Even now, his onyx consumed her as he entered and withdrew from her body repeatedly.
He blinked every now and then. Bella never did. She had no need to. And even though she could tell it made him uncomfortable, his gaze never once faltered from hers.
Each year they would meet like this.
Each year, on this day, their eyes would meet. Sorrow, longing and pain would reflect back at both pairs of eyes, always the same amount, always the same kind. And later that night, they would make their excuses to their families and more importantly, to their mates, and run to their usual meeting place.
Bella suspected that Edward knew but strangely never said a word and must have been the one to keep Alice at bay when her near future would vanish temporarily. After a while, she figured that he must have known she needed this, needed him. And because she had selflessly given her life, her eternity to be with him and that he loved her too much, he was allowing her this one small yearly indiscretion. He turned the other cheek whenever the time came and she would insist on wanting to hunt alone, even though Jacob had gone to patrol only an hour before. She could see how much it cost him but she was too selfish to give this up now. To give him up.
She loved her husband, more than life itself. That had been proven in the literal sense.
But one night, one night a year, Jacob provided her with something that Edward could never give her. Something she could never get from anyone else, human, werewolf or vampire.
Just for one night, one night only, she was his Bells again. Almost as if she had never chosen her vampire beloved and had instead stayed where she was intended to always have.
There was no denying it. Even now, as the sweat dripped off the spiked hair onto her as he panted above her, she could feel that connection once again. To who she had been, who she was supposed to be. Who Jacob had fallen in love with and still loved with every fiber of his being, next to his imprint. His imprint who had no idea just how badly her mother and her boyfriend were betraying her right now, every year, and that she was the only one inside her Jacob's heart.
The connection was vague, almost as blurry and fading as her human memories, but it was there nonetheless. Even with Jacob imprinting and her becoming his enemy, it had never gone away.
And she felt it right now as her Jacob stared back down at her, watching her as he tenderly made love to her.
They had made a silent pact long ago to keep their eyes open during their intimacy. This way Bella could be sure he wasn't imagining her daughter and he had some sort of false sense of security that he was the only one on her mind.
Bella never thought of Edward. When she left her family behind on these nights, her husband never flitted through her expansive mind until the moment she returned to him the next morning after a full shower and change of clothes at Charlie's that Charlie himself never knew about since he always had the graveyard shift on these types of days.
Jacob could never get the thought of betrayal out of his head, no matter how long he stared into her light golden eyes. The imprint guaranteed that, his fists clenching in the sheets next to her as his body trembled in pain, his heart throbbing in his chest, making him hurt worse. But, he did not imagine Renesmee. Not only would it be wrong and severely twisted while he was making love to her mother, it would be treachery of the highest order to do that to his Bella, his Bells.
She slowly lifted her hand from his shoulder to stroke his left cheek. He winced at the cold but kept moving, ignoring the burning of his nasal passages that reached deep down in his throat. He had indeed grown accustomed to the scent but it still bothered him. But he did his best to keep his disgust at bay when he was with her on these nights. And she knew it. She did her best to never push him any further than what he was comfortable with.
"I love you, Jake," she whispered.
His pace slowed to a stop as he looked down at her. Bella snaked her finger into his hair and softly massaged his scalp. It had the desired effect for Jake lowered himself face to face with her a moment later. She could the tiny tremors rocking through him as he struggled to form the words.
"I-" He took in a quick breath, still panting. "L-Lo-" His brows furrowed as he concentrated and she felt his body tense with the effort. "Lo-" Pain flickered across his expression and settled deep into his eyes along with hopelessness. "Lov-I lov-" And then his air cut off, no sound coming out.
He was never able to say it back to her.
While he was able to fight for this one night with her every year and he paid for it dearly, this was something he could not get around, something he could not find a loophole in. It wasn't a command that could be lifted. It wasn't something Bella could undo by figuring out, although she knew what it was and she understood. The imprint was a different matter entirely. It was too strong. And the imprint would not allow him to commit the ultimate act of betrayal against it. And while he knew in his heart he still loved her, he would never be able to voice it. Not like that. He had even tried to say it to her in Quileute once, but the imprint had stopped him. Spanish and French didn't work either even after he had tricked Alice and Esme into teaching him, thinking he would be surprising their beloved Renesmee with his new knowledge. The imprint was a magical phenomenon that could not be tricked. I was one thing to make love to someone other than his imprint. The pain was excruciating and the guilt the next day devastating but he was able to do it. Not without a high price, though.
Every year, by the time they finished, he would nearly black out in Bella's arms, the pain too much to bear for even a strong werewolf like him. Being an Alpha didn't make a difference. If anything, it just made it worse. But being able to say those three words to the girl he had loved and the woman he continued to love from afar, no choice was given. There was no amount of pain to deal with in exchange for being able to speak it because it simply didn't happen. It didn't stop him from continuing to try, though.
Even now, he huffed in frustration, seeing her eyes sadden, reflecting his own, as he continued to attempt forcing the words out of his mouth.
If Bella could cry, she would have.
In a whisper of a movement, she had latched her lips to his, kissing him, the way she should have kissed him in the truck, in her kitchen, so long ago.
And then she rained kisses all over his damp face. "I love you. I love you. I love you, Jake. And I know you love me. It's enough. I love you. I will always love you, Jacob Ephraim Black. Always."
He would hold her tighter to him, burying his nose into her hair, taking in the smell that made his stomach twist and turn. He could swear sometimes he could still detect a minute trace of her old scent within the strands but it was so faint that it seemed more his imagination playing tricks on him than reality. And this would make his eyes tear up and his body shake in a mix of silent sobs and pain as he hugged her close.
She would squeeze her arms around him, just as tight, making sure not to hurt him. She continued to place kisses on his neck, his shoulder, anywhere she could reach. "I will always love you. No matter what. It's okay, Jake. It's okay," she soothed.
He would lift his head and place his forehead to hers, staring down at her, tears still trailing down his cheeks. "Bells..."
She knew what he was saying without him really saying it.
It was never going to be okay. It didn't matter that this had gone on for the last five years. It didn't matter that given the chance, Bella would choose right this time. It didn't matter that she would leave it all behind if it meant a few years with him, alone, as hers.
Because Jacob wasn't free. And he never would be.
And she had done that to him.
She had done it when she chose to become Mrs. Edward Cullen, when she had chosen to allow herself to have that one last human experience before being turned, when she had chosen to keep Jacob by her side, never releasing him, instead of doing the right thing and sending him away before her daughter came into the world.
And now, it was too late. For both of them.
She traced her finger over his bottom lip, feeling him kissing it as it passed, before she wiped his tears away. She kissed him then, just once. It was full of longing and need, speaking of a love that was true and burned to be expressed fully but would never be.
He would pull back and lay his forehead against hers once more, his eyes closed.
"I would. You know I would, but I-" His eyes scrunched up slightly more. "I can't, Bells," he whispered. "I want to...so badly but...I just can't."
She would nod even though he couldn't see her and swallow thickly. He would hear it and open his eyes slowly to look down on her.
She would give him a small smile, trying to mask the pain, though she knew it was useless. He could always read her, always had been able to. And she saw the realization play out in his eyes. Before he could say anything else, she would plead with him.
"Kiss me," she would whisper.
And knowing it really was the only thing he could give her, that this night was all she would ever have of him, that he would ever have of her, his true soul mate, he would do just that.
After a few moments, Jacob would infuse more heat into the kiss and before they knew it, they would be moving against one another again, this time at an inhuman speed, their cries of passion loud and reverberating off the walls of Jacob's mother's house.
When the bed started creaking dangerously as a final warning, only then did he pick her up in his arms and slam her into a spot of the dilapidated walls that had not yet been destroyed by them, forming a large crack above their heads almost immediately.
He would pound into her, her crying his name while her nails drew down his back, cutting into him and making him yell. Before the wall could completely give, before more chunks of the ceiling could fall around them or the frame of the house continue to shake, Bella would scream his name and he would roar loudly before biting into her neck and making her scream again, this time in pain.
The would shake and spasm together, holding each other as they both came down from their highs. He would retract his teeth and kiss her neck in silent apology as he fought for air, knowing the teeth marks would be gone by morning, making him relieved yet saddened at the same time. Bella would kiss his neck in turn as softly as she could, keeping her head against the side of his.
"Jacob," she murmured. "I will always love you. You'll always be my Jacob and I will always be your Bells. Always."
She knew it was a lie, even as it left her lips and went straight into his ear. She could never be his Bells and he could never be her Jacob. Never.
But tonight, just for tonight, they could pretend.
Jacob zipped up his shorts and turned to see Bella had not left the bed yet. She still sat up, looking at him, with the bed sheet wrapped around her, staring off into space as she fingered the charm on her bracelet absentmindedly.
He had noticed that she had started wearing it again after their first night together, keeping it on year round. He had been surprised to see that Edward's heart was no longer on there. He had never asked her about it. He hadn't needed to. He knew why it had gone missing and yet his wolf charm remained. And it hurt even more as he watched her now.
"I have to...get back."
She nodded, without looking up at him. He wished he could tell her what he used to be able to tell her so freely, that he was still an option for her. He wished he could tell her that they could just run away together. That they could hole up inside this house forever, him fixing it up bit by bit. They could stay together. Forever. But he couldn't. He would settle just for the one thing he always wanted to tell her and did a few times in the past. Just three little words. But now, he couldn't even tell her that.
He knew it was wrong, to do this, to meet with her year after year and still go home to Renesmee while Bella went home to Edward. He knew and he hated himself for it but at the same time, he couldn't stop himself. And he knew, next year, he would be here with her, again, without fail.
He approached her side of the bed and sat down, pulling her hand into his. He brought it to his lips and pressed kisses to the backs of her fingers. Her eyes watched him sadly.
"We're not staying until morning?"
His heart hurt at her whisper, coated in pain. He moved to the back of her hand and kissed the skin sweetly. "I can't. Not this time."
Bella lowered her gaze and he leaned in, cupping her chin, forcing her lips to meet his. He kissed her deeply, slowly, willing her to feel what he couldn't tell her. He felt her cool palms on both his cheeks and he pulled away to stare at her, putting his forehead to hers.
"Embry will he here soon to escort you back."
She pulled him closer. "Don't go," she whispered. "Stay..."
His heart was breaking, the pain from that alone, overriding all the rest from the imprint. He swallowed thickly. "I have to. So do you."
"Please..." Her voice sounded broken.
He took her right hand and placed it over his heart so she could feel it beating as he had done so long ago, once upon a time. He held it there with his own hand and brought his eyes back to hers. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to. She knew.
He lifted her hand and placed two kisses, one to her open palm and the other to the inside of her wrist, before closing her hand up for her and laying it back against her chest.
He opened one of his side pockets and drew out a small box. He put it in her other hand and leaned in once more to kiss her.
Then he drew back and got to his feet, her watching him as he did, her expression pleading.
He gave her a pained smile. "Happy Valentine's Day, honey." He dropped a kiss to her forehead and then left the room. He barely made it out of the house, the pain was just too much, it was consuming him. He started to breathe fast, feeling the enormity of it, wanting to burst into sobs as he had to leave her behind and return back to the house because his imprint was calling to him. He ran, phasing once he was near the trees, not caring he had shredded yet another pair of shorts in the process. He ran and ran, thoughts of Bella, his Bells, plaguing his mind.
Embry was also phased, two minutes away from the house, but out of mercy for his best friend, he stayed quiet during the replays, the fantasies of telling Bella he loved her as he held her in his arms. He knew what was coming next, just like it did every year.
Bella's moan as he moved against her, how good she felt. How he wanted to claim her for his. Bella's laugh, Bella's arms holding to him. Bella's chocolate eyes watching him in adoration as he worked on his car, those eyes that now belonged to someone else, someone he didn't want to belong to. Eyes that had been replaced with golden butterscotch that now stared at him sadly yet with so much love. Bella's fingers digging into his back. Bella's blush when she had been alive. The sound of Bella's heart beating. Bella pleading with him to stay with her. Bella's words, "I love you", said in the musical voice she now had. He loved her, he wanted to stay with her, go back to her, but it was too late. He never could. He was Renesmee's now, Bella's daughter's. He could never break the hold she had on him no matter how badly he wanted to, how badly he wanted Bella. And Bella wanted him. Bella loved him, asked him to run with her, leave it all behind, on more than one occasion but the incorporeal shackles prevented him from doing so. He loved her. She was his Bells. Still. And he couldn't even tell her he loved her back or stay longer with her the one night a year they came together.
Finally, it was too much and a howl of agony burst out of Jake. He broke down, howling his pain out to the world nonstop before he phased back, laying in a ball naked, his body wracked with sobs. Only when he was cried out, only when the pain made way for the numbness that would sustain him for the next 364 days, did he get to his feet, phase and go home to his imprint, washing off in a creek on the way, leaving her scent behind as a mere memory just like Bella herself.
Bella heard the howl and winced. If only she could cry... Instead, Jake was doing it all for her, for the both of them and what they had lost. For what she had foolishly thrown away when she had been young and callous.
She heard Embry's approach and Jake's howls begin to die down. She wanted to go to him, comfort him, just like she had done that one time, but it only caused him more pain. She knew that now, that as painful as it was to stay still and not go to her Jacob, it was better for him in the long run. He had told her it made it easier to let her go for a whole other year. She knew their earlier than normal separation this time had caused him even more pain just as it did her.
She glanced down at her hand holding the white box and gingerly turned it over. What she saw made dry sobs rip from her that Embry heard and made him decide to give her a few minutes before retrieving her and urging her back to the treaty line.
Bella curled up into a ball and sobbed into the pillow Jake had used, burying her nose into his scent, not caring how revolting it was to her. She hugged it tightly as her body shook with the loud sobs. She hated herself for not being able to cry. She let the box fall onto the bed and whimpered his name, wishing they could just be together, wishing that she could go back in time and undo her mistakes. She loved her daughter, she didn't regret her but maybe if she had let Jake escape before she gave birth, if she had pretended she hated him and pushed him away, maybe then, just then, she could be with her Jacob. If only...
She picked up the box again and held it to where her cold heart lay, no longer beating, inside her chest.
Inside the little white box were white conversation heart candies, "I love you" in bold red letters, printed on each and every one.