GAIGE: Hellloo, subscribers! Today was...maybe not the best of days, but a hell of a lot better than yesterday.
GAIGE: It started with Tiny Tina, back in Tundra Express, calling to say she had a job for us. Apparently, she was having a tea party, and she wanted help inviting the guests. Which sounded stupid, but she promised us money and a gun, so why not?
GAIGE: But we weren't really on a time crunch, so we spent some time just hanging around Sanctuary, making sure everyone was okay after the big move. They were mostly doing fine, more than I thought, anyway. Sure, Marcus was freaking out about his safe and there was little stuff like that going on everywhere, but other than that it was no big deal.
GAIGE: Oh, I almost forgot! Speaking of parties, it turns out today was Claptrap's birthday! He invited pretty much everyone in the city! And, uh, I was the only one who came. Yeah. That was...I mean, Maya and them were busy...with...something...and...
GAIGE: It was pretty awkward.
GAIGE: Ahem. Uh...anyway, after the party—if you can call it that—I hooked up with Maya and the rest again. Apparently there had been some murder involving identical quadruplets or something as the suspects. I dunno, I think Salvador was messing with me. But after all that, we finally used the Fast Travel to get back to Tundra Express and Tina.
GAIGE: Tina sent us to grab Sir Reginald, who turned out to be this tiny little varkid in a jar with a mustache and a pimpin' top hat—we had to fight a badass varkid she called "Madame von Bartlesby," for some reason—and then a doll she calls Misses Fluffybutt. Oh, and some parts from buzzards to make a teapot.
AXTON: And the crumpets.
GAIGE: Hey. I thought you guys were helping Zero with dinner.
AXTON: He kicked us out. He said...I don't remember, it was another haiku. But he's got it handled.
GAIGE: Okay, well, yeah, Tina also had us steal crumpets from the bandits while we shooting down buzzards, fighting through their base, and generally being badasses. I don't really know, you know, why bandits had a plateful of crumpets just sitting out there, but whatever. After that, things got a little...weird.
GAIGE: Tina sent us to collect the "guest of honor," a bandit named Flesh-Stick—which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about this asshole—and bring him back to her cave. Well, surprise surprise, he wasn't really in the mood for a visit. Anyway, we managed to get him back anyway, mostly by letting him chase me, screaming all sorts of threats about eating me and blah blah blah. He was a psycho, they're all the same.
GAIGE: Tina had this really cool electric trap thing set up that grabbed the bandit and piped him through some vents and popped him out tied to a chair at the table.
GAIGE: This is where the story goes from hilarious to depressing.
GAIGE: Tiny Tina is unbelievably awesome. I mean, she's like four feet tall, talks like my grandma—
AXTON: How does your grandma talk?
GAIGE: What? She talks—she talks like Tina. She talks like a pimp.
AXTON: Then just say that.
GAIGE: Whatever. So, Tina blows stuff up and all that. She's cool. But she's thirteen which is, you know, kinda weird. Kinda weird...age. For all that. Well, today we found out what's wrong with her.
GAIGE: She had to watch her parents die. Then...she went kinda kooky.
GAIGE: Flesh-Stick killed them—or sold them to someone who killed them, it was a little bit blurry on the finer details—and Tina's been hunting him down ever since. With our help, she finally got him. I don't want to go into the messy details...let's just say that Flesh-Stick won't be pulling that trick again. Because he's dead.
GAIGE: Shut up! Ahem. There was also this Eridium mine that Lilith sent us to check out, turns out the bandits were mining Eridium for Hyperion. We killed them all, but it's kinda hard to feel bad about it. I mean, Hyperion would have done the same thing once the mine dried up anyway. Oh, and then Tina had us blow up the money train, which was pretty awesome.
GAIGE: There were a few other little things too. Claptrap had us blow up some bandits' furnaces, since he thought that would make them too cold to fight or something, and then Scooter sent us back to the Fridge to woo an ex-girlfriend of his—turns out he's the reason she left in the first place—and there was this midget who had been swallowed whole by a stalker that he wanted us to kill. I mean, that was kinda funny, especially when we found out Laney—that's the girl—joined the Rats.
MAYA: We knew Laney had joined the Rats from the start.
GAIGE: What? No we didn't.
MAYA: Yes, we did. Were you paying attention when Scooter gave us the mission?
SCOOTER: Yeah, remember, I tol' you to get flowers and junk to un-brainwash her!
GAIGE: Dammit Scooter, stop hacking our ECHO's!
SCOOTER: Wha? I'm just sayin' hey, what's the—
GAIGE: I hate how everyone on this stupid planet thinks they can just butt into our conversations whenever they feel like it! And as for you, I know you spy on me in the shower, so quit it!
SCOOTER: Oh, come on, I only did that like, three times, and it was a friendly kind of spyin', you know what I'm sayin'? Just checkin' up on you and such.
AXTON: Gaige, let me handle this. Scooter, you there?
SCOOTER: Uh, yeah?
AXTON: Remember earlier today, when you sent us into the Fridge, and we killed about a hundred bandit Rats and twenty or thirty stalkers?
SCOOTER: Yeah? I mean, that's what you were just talkin' about—
AXTON: Do you really want to get on our bad side?
SCOOTER: Uhhh...hey, look, someone needs help with...somethin'!
MAYA: Sounds like he's gone.
GAIGE: Thanks. Well, subscribers, I guess you all can see why Laney ran off to join the Rats.
GAIGE: Anyway, once we were back in Sanctuary, we got a call from Sir Hammerlock and Marcus. Uh, separate calls, I mean. They weren't working together, or anything. Point is, they both wanted us to go to the same place: Sanctuary Hole, the spot in Three Horns where the city used to be, before all the floating and phasing and you know. Well, actually Hammerlock wanted something under the Sanctuary Hole, but we'll get to that in a sec.
GAIGE: It's only been a day, but there are already a bazillion bandits squatting in the city ruins. I guess it's a defensible position or whatever the, you know, military term is for that kind of thing. Point is, Marcus wanted us to find his safe, which fell out when the city started floating and stuff. Well, we fought our way through the Hole—which had a bunch of old houses and stuff, which I think were mostly Sanctuary's basements and all that—only to find that the safe had fallen into the giant hole in the ground. I mean, the hole in the middle of the Hole. It's kinda hard to explain. There was this big pit in the ground, and that's where Sanctuary originally landed, so now, there's a crater around the hole.
GAIGE: Anyway, that place is the Caustic Caverns, and it's where Hammerlock wanted us to go too, so we got lucky on that one. We took the elevator down, and it turns out that the place is really well named. There's just oceans of naturally occurring industrial-grade acid everywhere, in this massive cavern complex something like two hundred feet tall, maybe more. I don't really know how big it was—the oceans kept going as far as I could see in every direction.
GAIGE: It also turns out this is where the crystalisks originally came from. Or where they were first discovered, or whatever. So Sir Hammerlock sent us down here to collect some old ECHO logs and figure out why they became hostile to humans in the first place. That...that was a sad story, and I don't see the need to repeat it. Let's just say Dahl got what was coming to them. Oh, sorry Axton.
AXTON: Why would I care?
GAIGE: Uh...right! So the Caustic Caverns had lots of those crystalisk guys, and also a whole bunch of varkids, and spiderants off in one corner, but they weren't too much trouble to deal with. They kinda stayed away from each other, so it's not like we were fighting them at the same time. The real trouble was the threshers.
GAIGE: I mentioned threshers, right? Sand worm things with like a billion tentacles? Well, there were a whole bunch of them, I mean like...I don't even know how many. We must have killed almost a hundred. And Deathtrap is no good against them, because they burrow underground before he can attack, and Zero can't snipe them easily, and they're too big for Maya to phaselock, and Axton's grenades worked pretty well, but then he almost killed the rest of us with the explosions. Salvador was pretty good, but he didn't have any fire weapons.
GAIGE: So we kinda had to just grit our teeth and grind our way through that, which wasn't fun, but we survived, which is the important part. Then we finally managed to find Marcus' stupid safe, which this giant blue crystalisk had found, and we had to kill it, which I felt bad about. I mean, apparently it was the pet of the Dahl security chief, or something, I'm not completely sure.
GAIGE: But we found the safe. Turns out it had a bunch of saucy pictures of Moxxi. While Maya and me were trying to keep Axton and Salvador from stealing them when we weren't looking, Moxxi called, and said she wanted the pictures instead of Marcus. I mean, she wanted us to give them to her instead of Marcus. Marcus still wanted them too, for...obvious reasons.
GAIGE: Maya decided to give them to Moxxi, which I agreed with, which is why I am the one who got the awesome new shotgun instead of Axton. And—hey, do you hear that?
AXTON: Hear what?
GAIGE: From over by Marcus' place. [sound of footsteps] I can't quite...
ZERO: He's crying.
AXTON: Well, you did refuse to give him the only thing in the world he values more than money.
GAIGE: ...okay, that's it, I'm calling it a night. It's dinnertime anyway, and Mordecai said he had some work for us in the Dust tomorrow.
MAYA: Gaige, did you wash your hands?
GAIGE: Yeah, yeah.
MAYA: No, I mean really wash them.
GAIGE: Uh, I guess. Why?
MAYA: Well, you were handling those pictures too, right?
MAYA: Just...go wash your hands again.
GAIGE: Okay, sure. Good night, subscribers. Gaige, out.