"Damnation" by Luke's Dragon
Digimon isn't mine, Blackwargreymon isn't mine either, although I would be kinda cool if he was. The little epigraphs at the head of this and the other chapters come from all sorts of places, apart from the ones I made up since I couldn't find anything suitable but never mind minor details like that.
My first non-romance Digimon fic (A Hopeless Case…?) was so much fun to write, and I received quite a few positive comments that I was inspired to write a second fic about the superb Blackwargreymon. This is a sort of follow up to "A Hopeless Case…?" but it isn't at all necessary to have read that already.
Chapter I "Hollow Tears"
"The World will not end in darkness, but in the blinding light of his new dawn"
From The Book of Vié
They say that to cry is a very human thing to do, indeed no other living creatures are able to do it. I wonder if perhaps it is because humans have more pain in their lives than other creatures, but I don't believe that is true. Perhaps in their conceited self-important way they believe they do, but I know this not to be true every living thing feels pain and sadness but do not cry. Maybe it is because humans have something the rest of us do not have, the thing I have hunted for, for so long, a heart. I have spent what seems like a eternity searching for my heart and wonder if it is this which enables humans to cry and if this is the case I feel regret, for it is something a monster of darkness such as me will never possess.
There have been times when I have felt regret for my actions or a feeling of sadness when I have witnessed some of the events that have taken place lately but no tears have fallen. It is not that I fear being thought of as weak as many humans do who hold back tears, but I just cannot. I wish I knew if it were a physical lack or a spiritual one I hope it is the later for if I could find my heart I would wish that all my problems would be solved in one fell swoop. Somehow I don't think life could ever be quite so simple.
These past few weeks I have seen so much destruction and it seems as if the world is falling to pieces I wonder if some of the chaos is my fault. Certainly I have ended as many lives as any other in this world has, although I have not killed for a while. Strange, a creature such as myself should refuse to end a life but that is the vow I have made to myself. The vow, I wonder if it was me who made it, or my voices still I suppose it doesn't matter. What does matter is I will not kill a living creature unless not doing so would cause my destruction, why do I do this? It seems to be the only way to stave off the darkness inside of me. The other creatures formed from the control spires do not live, if I encounter one I destroy it without a second thought, they are no different to a machine inanimate and without feelings merely created to destroy things which possess the very qualities they themselves lack. They do not have any desires and no needs either; similarly I share their same powers of needing no food or sleep, helpful skills indeed at this time. Unlike them however I have wishes for the whole world and myself too, strange coming from a creature like me but what I desire most in this world is a world of peace. Perhaps it is because I see so much of myself in them that I hate them so, they are what I would have been if it was not for the fact that I am cursed with all these emotions which torment me so.
Torment, yes that is the word for it, sometimes I wish I did not have all these emotions running around inside of me. If I were like the rest of those creatures then I would perhaps have some sort of peace, at times this is all I want when it all seems too much. There are times when it would be the easiest thing just to surrender to the darkness I know is in the depths of my soul, but I cannot. Sometimes I find myself longing for death so that my head is quieted of all those infernal voices. Ah yes, the voices, those detestable opinionated voices that torture my very existence. I think they might be the voices of those I have slain in the past, although that damnable human boy said that they called it 'conscious'.
Pah! A pathetic weak idea regardless of what causes it, it is just weak thinking just like my wanting to give up. I must find and fulfil my own destiny, no voices, no others and no 'consciousness' should have the strength to deter me from my course and yet I find myself listening to them far more than I used to do.
I suppose I listen to the voices because I know I have done them so much wrong in the past. Before I made my vow I would slay anything that crossed my path, now I cannot end the life of a living creature unless the situation would cost me my own existence if I did not, but I digress. Not too long ago I encountered a village of Digimon, small weak creatures the type I cannot recall, though I suppose I should, I slaughtered the entire village even though they were no challenge or threat to me just because for a second I let my darkness overcome me. An entire township destroyed all their hopes and dreams wiped from the face of existence because I lost control. Maybe that is slightly inaccurate it wasn't I who did it, when I lose myself to the darkness there is no I anymore, no emotions not even blind rage or hatred just a destructive force. What frightens me most is when I lose control I cannot get it back, I have to wait for it to leave on its own accord, like an alcoholic waiting for his hang-over to wear off so as he can drink again. Someday I know that I will not be able to come back and I will be no more than a monster.
Do I wander this world fighting those soulless husks that are my brethren to try and make amends for my crimes or to try and make amends for my accursed existence itself?
It is hard sometimes, always fighting a battle against myself, keeping the dark, destructive side of myself in check so much so I wonder what the real me is like. I hope he is something more than an avatar of destruction, I hope he is so much different to what I am right now. . . Foolish talk, the real me is the darkness inside, it is only by suppressing it every second of the day that it does not break free and lay waste to this doomed world. Yes doomed, even with the efforts of those calling themselves the Digi-destined this world is like a dream, bound to wake on day. Ours is a shadow of the world of humans and it seems clear that they are unable to keep their dark sides in check, when they destroy their world, as I know they will ours will die also. When it happens they will not care, to them our lives are like a failing television show, axed without a thought for the few people left who care about it. Apocalyptic I know, but I am just pleased that I will not be around to see it.
As one of those holier-than-thou vaccine types once said to me 'your dark days are numbered' I killed him too of course, now his is yet another of those thrice accursed voices those that torment me so. Perhaps it is all the souls of the ' lawful and good' that have invaded my head that force me to do such crazy things. They make me fight the control spire monsters, protect the weak and ravage my sleep with dreams of darkness inside of me. And the questions, so many questions that I seek the answers to before my time is up; most importantly I want to know why my existence has come to be, why I am here in this world. I know my purpose is not the senseless destruction that once fuelled my life, and the things that stand out most in the tangled mess that makes up my mind are those conversations with other creatures. The one who called himself Agumon who seems to be my reflection, my reverse, he reminds me of what I could have been if only I had been born rather than made. I feel a vague sense of jealousy that he has companions, no that's no the word he used, 'friends' is what he termed them. Friendship? It is just another one of the many words I do not quite understand although sometimes in a moment of weakness I wish I did. I wish that I had the drive and companionship that they all have, maybe that's why I can't destroy them although all my fighters instincts tell me that I should, that they will be the death of me. I don't care though, it's not me giving up or feeling suicidal or anything like that it's just… What am I going on about, those voices are getting to me again, those fools mean nothing to me, I don't need any weaklings like them or any of their self-righteous heroism. I am not about to become the savior of this damned world of pain; all I care about is myself, my destiny, my purpose, and my fate. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stay out of my head stop telling me I'm wrong. I never asked for a heart and some damn conscious telling me to protect this village, save that creature. No I did ask for this, once upon a time I wanted this to be more than a monster and now I've got it.
Guess I should be more careful about what I wish for.
But I don't regret it, not really I've had the chance to wonder about so many things, and although it's hard sometimes I still want to know where am I going with this life. And there is more, why do I seek to protect such weak fleeting things such as the life of a flower but can't find it in myself to care about the big things like the fate of this world or me. There are still many questions I want to learn the answers to before I end my days. I wonder, is it peace and the light that I seek for myself, some sort of resolution to my condemned existence. Or is it the darkness that I have fought so hard against that I really seek and the peace of death, my just retribution for my crimes. There is also that other word I would like to understand, 'love' it seems such an important word to the Digi-destined. It seems to be a bond between them and their partners and seems to come in many different types, the bond between the group, between one child and his partner and the closer one between one or two individuals. It gives them such power and courage but so much more it seems to give them a reason for what they do, the boy with ridiculous headgear who would give his life for a former enemy. Am I weak to want something like that for me? Not even something so great but maybe since I cannot cry myself I would like someone to shed a tear at the end of my life. ... Life? Hah, that's the first time I've called this state of being that term. I wonder do tears mean that I have a life and not just an existence, if I do, and I truly hope I do then it seems my way has become a little clearer now.
The heavily armored figure turned and walked away, leaving behind him the wreckage of another control spire and a few piles of ash to mark the passing of more of the creatures they spawned. He did not mark the event with any ceremony but just walked on to the next battle still wondering about the idea of love as he left. Almost unnoticed a solitary drop of water fell from his right eye but it was another thing he did not understand and even if he had felt it he would have put it down to having got some dust stuck there.