Miss Pauling in Wonderland
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Team Fortress 2. Valve owns the copyrights. I also do not own Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I believe the book is in public domain, but who know, all I know is that Lewis Carroll is the original author and I'm not.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well here we are! If you have read the companion piece to this story, called The Tentaspy: A Nonsensical Tale, then you'll know what you're about to get into. For those who haven't, do so now! If not, then buckle up! I noticed that with every fandom there is always an Alice in Wonderland parody afoot and to my knowledge, there isn't one for TF2. So, I figured, why the hell not, I'll take a stab at it! Now, this is just my vision, so if you don't like it, go home and write your own! Just enjoy the oddity that is this work. Also, please leave a review if you do so incline: I'm curious to see what everyone thinks (just be polite and not a troll. If you are a troll, I shall find you and feed you to the Jabberwocky, he likes trolls)!
It had been a long, tiring day. Miss Pauling was ready to clock out and go home. Being the assistant to Helen, the Administrator for Mann Co. was not a bad job. Good pay, good benefits, plus it was also located in a rather scenic part of the country. However, Helen was a rather difficult person to get along with. Wither her sharp tongue and even sharper actions, the Administrator could make your life a living hell! And today was a hellish day.
First, Miss Pauling was late for work, on account she forgot to set her alarm clock the night before. Then while conducting the monthly expenses, her calculations where off and Helen caught her mistake. And to add the cherry on the top of the bad day sundae, the RED Scout was flirting with her again! He was an annoying little bastard to begin with and now that the Scout had taken a fancy to her, Miss Pauling wasn't looking forward to coming to work.
But still, the day was coming to an end and that meant a nice, quiet evening at her apartment with a glass of wine, a nice jazz record on the stereo and her new copy of Woman's Hairstyles and Guns magazine. With renewed vigor, Miss Pauling finished the last of the filing and locked up her office for the night. The sun was just starting to set over Teufort as she walked across the parking lot to her car. Bit no, this day wasn't going to end on a good note…the RED Scout was there, waiting to try and coax a date out of Miss Pauling. She grimaced at the Scout, who only smiled at her.
"For the last time Scout, I said no." she stated.
"I love it when a woman plays hard ta get." Scout said, giving her a playful wink. Miss Pauling just rolled her eyes.
"Scout, I'm tired. I've had a rather long, difficult day and I would like nothing more than to just get in my car and go home for the night."
"Oh, come on Miss P! Just say you'll go on a date with me an' I won't botha ya no more."
I highly doubt it. Miss Pauling thought to herself as she ignored Scout and continued on her way. He followed her to her car like a lost little puppy. Just as she was about to put her keys into the car door, Scout tapped her shoulder.
"What?!" she said as she whipped around to look at Scout, annoyed that she refused to drop the subject.
"Close yur eyes." he asked her.
"No Scout, no more games."
"This isn't a game. I promise!"
Might as well humor him. Miss Pauling sighed and closed her eyes. "How long do I have to keep them closed?" The RED Scout didn't answer. Miss Pauling was getting annoyed. Finally, she let out a huff and opened her eyes. To her surprise, Scout was dressed differently. He wore a red waistcoat over a crisp, white dress shirt. He also had on black trouser dress pants, yet still retained his trademark running shoes. A gold pocket watch on a matching chain was attached to his waistcoat. For once, Scout was dressed rather handsome, instead of grubby and sloppy. The only thing off putting about Scout's new outfit was the white rabbit ears that now sprung up from the top of his head, just peaking under his baseball cap and earpiece.
"What is this now?!" Miss Pauling pointed to Scout's attire.
"Awww, you lost!" he pouted. "Guess I'll be taking these!" he quickly snatched up her car keys and dashed away.
"Scout, you come back here this instant!" Miss Pauling shouted and started to chase after him.
"Can you keep up?" he called back to her.
Miss Pauling cursed under her breathe as she followed Scout toward the battle yard. Normally, the area would be full of grown mean slicing, shooting and stabbing one another. Now that the day had ended, the lot was eerily quiet and calm. The Scout Rabbit (Miss Pauling noticed he had a white puffball tail on his backside) eyed an opening to an underground mine. He turned around to see Miss Pauling quickly catching up to him. Scout jumped into the hole just as she was no more than a foot away. Miss Pauling stared at where the rabbit was. "For the love of…" she started to say, but realized there was no other option. With remorse, she jumped into the hole and followed the Bostonian.
At first, she was in a free fall. Now regretting her foolish decision, Miss Pauling was not fearful. She was sure that she would meet her end in the dark pit. But then something strange happened: It must have been an air current or something, but she felt air coming from underneath her. The current cause her dress to slight billow out like a parachute, allowing her float, thus slowing down her fall. Miss Pauling, who had shut her eyes, slowly opened them and saw that the sides of the hole where now dimly lit by kerosene lamps. She also took note of all the various objects that floated past her: cans of Bonk! Atomic Punch and Crit-a-Cola, some pieces of furniture, a globe and a video camera.
"I wonder if that Director fell down this hole too." Miss Pauling reminisced. She had killed him though, but giving the current circumstances, it seemed that by dumping his body here, she might just find his body. While trying not think about such unpleasantness, she suddenly hit the bottom of the hole, landing in a pile of dead, dry leaves and twigs. Miss Pauling stood up and brushed off the excess leaves from her purple polo shirt dress and adjusted her matching cat eye glasses. As she was picking out the twigs from her black flats, the Scout Rabbit called out to her.
"You made it alright!" Miss Pauling glared at him.
"Give me back my car keys!"
"Sorry, I'm running late and you're just going have to wait." He said and sprinted off.