"Lyin' Around" is rated "T" for overall hijinks and mild language.
A Legend of Zelda Fanfiction
"Okay, what are you up to this time, Link?"
That Zelda. Always so suspicious. You'd think after saving the world you'd earn a little trust. All I asked was to have my schedule cleared for the day. She should be grateful Hyrule isn't in danger.
My beautiful princess pouted, placing her hands on her hips. I didn't dare tell her that she just looked plain adorable when she looked angry. She'd probably whack me upside the head with the blunt edge of her sword.
Last month, I moved from my village of Ordon to Hyrule Castle so I could live with Zelda. She tried to make me a court advisor, but hell no. I don't do politics. I'm good with a sword, not with words. It was a little difficult leaving all of my friends and the place I grew up in, but she was worth it. I certainly wouldn't have moved here if it wasn't for her. I'm more of a country guy. All I need is a nice patch of grass, a couple of goats, a horse to herd, and that was about it.
Speaking of horses…
Epona. That stubborn mare. Who would have thought she was capable of playing matchmaker? I spent quite some time as a wolf, so I know what animals are capable of. I don't think the Hylians realize that their pets are often smarter than they are.
I suppose that also means Epona is smarter than me, but…I can't really dispute that.
Don't tell her I said that, though.
But really? To play matchmaker? I would have expected Ilia, Beth, or one of the girls to do that. Not my horse.
Zelda later informed me that Ilia would never play matchmaker for me. I told her I didn't get it, but Zelda promptly elbowed me in the gut and I know better than to press the issue.
I don't understand women. That includes my horse.
Yeah, I'm kinda slow when it comes to the fairer sex. I'll be the first to admit it. Like I said, I'm a simple guy. I like living a simple life. Girls are so…complicated. Then they take every little word you say and twist the meaning. Not to mention they get offended at the slightest thing. How am I supposed to know that they love me if they never say anything about it!? I'm not a mind reader, you know.
Midna was the master of twisting my words.
I shook my head. Stop it, Link. Midna's gone. You're Zelda's man.
I sighed. What can I say? I miss that damn imp.
Anyways…I may be clueless when it comes to myself, but I am pretty good at gauging other people's relationships. For an example, Telma had an obvious crush on Renaldo, which quite frankly I found to be a little odd.
By the way, there's a rumor going around that I stared at Telma's breasts. Zelda even said something about a picture from a Pictobox (a picto what now?) of me in the act. Come on. I would never do that.
…and if I did, it was a momentary weakness. I was a teenage boy at the time.
I'm getting sidetracked. See, this is what happens when I daydream.
Oh look, Zelda has been talking this entire time. I hope it wasn't anything important.
Nod your head, Link. Nod your head and everything will be okay.
I nodded my head vigorously.
Zelda glared at me, lightly flicking me on the forehead.
"Oh, so you agree that Ganondorf should invade Hyrule again?"
Okay, maybe I deserved that.
Zelda sighed. "Your head is always in the clouds, Link."
"Sorry," I mumbled, blushing a light shade of red. Yeah, I know. Zelda brings out this side of me. What can I say? She's beautiful. I'm not just talking about her outward beauty. Zelda is a wonderful person. So responsible, so kind, so caring…
Ouch. Zelda flicked me on the forehead again. I'm shocked I don't have a permanent bruise there.
"Hey, I was daydreaming about you," I protested. She giggled, kissing me lightly on the cheek.
"You're too much fun to tease, my Hero."
I grinned, pulling her into a hug. I love it when Zelda drops her guard. When she's doing her political nonsense, she's so serious and formal. It's nice to see her relax and be a girl for once.
Here I am, getting sidetracked yet again. Goddesses, how did I even manage to save Hyrule?
Right. I took various "breaks" that included random minigames that had no effect on the outcome of Hyrule's safety whatsoever.
Zelda doesn't need to know that.
I heard a sharp, shrill neigh from the courtyard.
Epona. Did that mare have supervision or something? She was making fun of me from outside. That horse. I swear, even though I'm not a wolf anymore I can still understand what she's saying. And she's definitely questioning my manhood.
Right. That's what I wanted to do.
"Anyways," Zelda grinned, giving me another peck on the cheek. "Why did you cancel your arrangements for today?"
"I was wondering if you'd take a ride with me," I said, trying not to sound too innocent.
She raised an eyebrow at me. "That's what you wanted to do all day? Ride the horses?"
"It'll be worth it, I promise," I assured her.
It was time for some payback.
"Okay, Zelda, this is what we're going to do…"
Epona was not happy.
She was suspicious of me, too. Geez, what is with these females? All I want to do is go on a little ride.
"Come on, girl," I said exasperatedly. She was having none of it. She didn't budge.
No. I don't trust you. You have that look in your eyes.
Sometimes, it's weird. It's like I can still hear Epona's voice even though I technically can't talk to animals anymore. Maybe it's because I'm so familiar with her facial expressions and body language. Maybe my wolf-like instincts are still somewhat there.
Maybe it was Midna's parting gift to me.
"I promise it's not bad," I assured her. "You'll love it."
The last time you said that we ended up running for our lives from an angry mob of Bokoblins.
"Hey, that was an honest mistake," I grumbled. "This will be fun. We're just going down to Lake Hylia. You like it there."
That's also the same place we ended up running from our lives from an angry horde of Bokoblins.
"Would you drop the whole 'Bokoblin' issue? That was a small mistake."
I didn't even want to know Epona's answer to that.
Okay, I feel the need to explain myself. The whole thing happened a couple of months ago, before I moved to Hyrule Castle. I was bored one day, so I decided to go riding across Hyrule. Well, there was this cave that I'd never seen before around Lake Hylia, so I decided to enter it. Apparently, it was home to a bunch of Bokoblins who apparently didn't get the memo that Ganondorf had been defeated.
No one was hurt. Epona and I were slightly winded by the affair, that's all. Slightly.
Epona hates Bokoblins. Although, I'm not sure it's the Bokoblins themselves or those angry warthog-pig things that they ride. She hates them. I have no idea why, she can outrun them and she's at least twice their size. Maybe they hit on her or something?
I was not about to be defeated by a stubborn horse. I'm Link. The Hero of Hyrule. I beat Ganondorf, I can definitely beat my cranky mare.
Well, there is one tactic that always works…it's a two way street…
"Please?" I asked in a soft, childish voice, looking at her with big, pleading eyes. "I was hoping we'd have this nice fun day with Zelda and…" I gave a little sniffle, just for good measure.
Hey! That's blackmail!
Epona pawed the ground, annoyed. She knew I was winning.
"It'll only be a couple of hours…"
Stop! Okay! You win! I'll go! Just…don't look at me like that, okay?
Victory. Hey, she pulls it on me all the time. I reserve the right to use the same tactics once in awhile.
"Thank you!" I cried, leaping onto her back and spurring her on.
You owe me for this.
So, Link, where are we going? You said Zelda was going to ride with us.
"We're meeting her at the lake," I replied.
Why didn't she leave the castle with us?
"Uh, she had a meeting?" I lied. Way to tell an obvious lie, Link. I can't help it that I'm an honest person. I can't lie to save my life.
Uh-huh, I'm sure.
"Look, there she is!" I cried, eager to change the subject. Zelda grinned, jumping up from her place beside the tree and waving. I dismounted Epona, embracing Zelda and kissing her lightly.
"It's done," she whispered in my ear.
Epona's ears perked up.
What's done? What have you done, Link?
I took Zelda's hand, leading her down a path to our left. "Have fun!" I called back to my horse, running with a giggling Zelda.
Epona was caught off by a shrill neigh.
I'd tied her very tightly to a tree stump. She was going nowhere.
"We should leave them in peace," Zelda said with a wink.
I grinned as Zelda and I ducked behind a nearby boulder. "And miss the show?"
Epona? Is that you, my sweet?
Er—Erheart! Why…why are you here!? You're not Zelda's horse!
She requested my services this afternoon.
Allow me to provide some insight. Erheart is a horse that resides in Hyrule Castle. He's a war horse, and usually a general or commander of the army rides him. He's a big, broad, white stallion. He's a good looking horse, and well, he knows it.
The white stallion waltzed up to the panicking mare. Zelda didn't restrain him to anything, just like I asked. He was free to have his way with her.
Well, not that kind of "have his way." Not my horse. She's still too young for that kind of adult stuff. She is only permitted to date during specific times and in public locations.
I, I,-Link, I know you can hear me and let me assure you that I will kill you for this—it's just that, it's...
What is it, my dear? Are you so enamored by my manliness that you have no words to say?
Epona stopped struggling for a second, looking down at the ground. I grinned. Yep, I knew it. Normally, if anyone said anything like that to Epona, she'd kick them in the nuts. Epona's feisty. She doesn't tolerate anyone who has too much pride.
But for some reason, she never told Erheart off. Originally, I had no idea why. Erheart was the most pompous horse in all of Hyrule. Epona hates horses like that. Then why did she put up with him?
Then it dawned on me.
Well, Zelda helped.
Beside me, Zelda giggled. I've always had the impression that Zelda can hear the animals talk too. That wouldn't surprise me. She is the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom.
It's just that…
I'd never seen Epona so flustered.
The way you run…is so…handsome…
And I thought I was bad with flirting. Really? 'The way he runs is handsome'? That doesn't even make sense!
Ah, it tis. However, my love, you are a close second.
I don't personally care for the guy, but hey, if my little girl likes him, then I have to suck it up and be a proud Daddy. He even complimented her!...well, sorta.
Second!? Do you only think of yourself! You pompous little…brave, strong, stallion…
Yeah. That was the last clash of Epona's brain and her heart. I don't know what Erheart put in her hay, but Epona was head over hooves for the guy. She was a giggling foal around him.
It was kinda weird, to be perfectly honest. Is that what I'm like with Zelda? I kissed Zelda on the cheek.
I guess I'm okay with that.
Erheart trotted over to a patch of Epona's favorite grass, the kind I whistle her song on, and brought it to her.
You love this grass, don't you?
Okay, I'm aware that she's a horse, but Epona was definitely blushing.
It's my favorite…my master always plays my song on that…
"Aw," Zelda whispered to me. "They're such a cute couple."
"I'm proud," I said. "She needed a man of her own species."
"You know you'll always be first," Zelda teased, pinching me on my cheek.
"Hey!" I protested. "I'd better be," I grumbled underneath my breath.
Ah, uh, Epona, shall we go somewhere more private?
Liiiinnnnkkkkkkkk! Epona gave a shrill neigh. Zelda and I emerged from our hiding place and approached the happy couple.
"Okay," I said, untying her reigns. "Just don't go far, and be back by sundown. If not, it's into the stables with you, young lady. And none of this lovey dovey stuff!"
Both horses seemed pleased with it, swishing their tails and nodding. Erheart proudly trotted off, and after a slight hesitation, Epona followed him.
Epona. I never thought she'd follow anyone other than me.
Before completely leaving, Epona paused.
You set me up, didn't you?
"What can I say? Revenge is oh-so-sweet."
I'll get you back for this!
Now that's the Epona I know and love.
"You're welcome," I responded. I really did mean it. I owed her, after all. She's the one that opened my eyes. She's the one that ultimately brought Zelda and I together. I wanted her to experience the same happiness that Zelda and I did.
"Uh, Link," Zelda said.
"How are we going to get back home?"
I hope you enjoyed "Lyin' Around"! It was fun writing in Link's POV. I debated with actually hearing Epona talk, but especially given "Horsing Around", it made sense. And I think it really adds to the dimension of the story.
This is very much a fic to thank you all for your overwhelming support of "Horsing Around". I was going through a tough time when I wrote that, and all of your support really helped me. :) "Horsing Around" now has a whopping 26 reviews and over 1,200 hits. Wow! Thank you!
I hope you enjoyed the story! Please leave a review, it would greatly make my day. :)
Thank you all so much!