The Adventures of Drunk Kurt: Part 1
Spoilers: Set During Season 2
Summary: Kurt comes into school drunk one day and Rachel ignores him as she drags him to an emergency Glee meeting where he tells everyone what he thinks of them.
Pairings: Kurt/Everyone!Friendship, Finchel, Quinncedes!Friendship, Tartie!Friendship, Slight Puckurt
The Adventures of Drunk Kurt: Part 1
"Sorry Bella." Kurt mumbles to the girl he just stumbled into. He stops for a second and starts laughing.
That is awesome. I didn't know Bella went here. Maybe I should go wolf hunting.
Kurt chuckles to himself as he continues down the hall. He successfully clears the first hallway only stumbling into two people. Kurt turns into the new hallway and stops.
Wow. Head rush.
Kurt giggles to himself as he swings his bag around his back. He fumbles through it. His fingers barely graze the bottle when a hand yanks on his arm.
"Kurt. Good you're here." Rachel starts pulling him down the hallway. "I've called an emergency glee meeting."
Not so fast.
Kurt groans as he tries to walk back, but Rachel's firm hand prevents him from doing so. Kurt's not even sure she's aware of his eagerness to get away as she rambles about Schue not being there so she can teach things properly.
Kurt looks longingly down at his bag, able to hear the light jingle from the bottle hitting other items in his bag.
But . . . I wants it.
Kurt is stopped from walking when he runs into Rachel. He stumbles back and blinks his eyes a few times. He notices that they're right outside the choir room, but Rachel is staring down at him with piercing eyes
"Kurt . . . you don't look so good." Rachel says slowly. "Maybe I-"
"I'm fine." Kurt is proud that his words don't slur together as he grabs the handle to the choir room door. "In fact, I feel-" Kurt lets out a small giggle and points at her face. "Oh god. You look so serious. Like the troll under the bridge." Kurt giggles at her before flinging opening the door and marching in.
Wow. Everyone . . . they seem smaller in here.
"Where is everyone?" Rachel screeches from behind him.
Kurt hisses and his hands go to his ears. He squeezes his eyes shut. "Jesus Berry. If you're any louder we'd have to give your lungs to a random whore for all the screaming they'll be doing."
Kurt stops and starts giggling to himself as he makes his way up the back risers. He barely registered a few tired eyes widening at the fact that Kurt Hummel is talking this way.
"Dude," A sleepy Finn slurs from his seat in the front. "Be nice. It's not her fault she's a morning person."
Kurt rolls his eyes as he takes a seat. He opens his bag and digs for the bottle.
"Answer my questions people." Rachel snaps as she ignored Kurt's random rambles. "Where are Santana, Brittany, Mike and Sam?" Rachel counts off their names on her fingers.
"Probably a lot safer from you." Kurt mumbles.
He hears a chuckle from his left. He looks over and realizes that he sat right by Puck. They raise an amused eyebrow at each other before looking back to Rachel.
"Rachel." Quinn snaps to get her attention. "Santana told me to tell you to go screw yourself." Everyone bites back a chuckle except for Kurt who gladly chuckles loudly. "Her words, not mine."
"Of course those are her words." Kurt mutters before gasping with happiness as he finds his bottle.
"And I left Mike and Sam playing video games."Artie adds in. "They're probably still going at it . . . or crashed and won't be waking up for a while."
Kurt smirks as he shows the bottle to Puck. Puck's eyebrows shoot up, obviously not expecting Kurt Hummel to be drinking. Kurt smirks at him before re-wrapping the bottle in the brown paper and taking another swig.
"Anyways, we need to get started on our emergency meeting." Rachel continues on. "And we need to focus on my-"
"Oh shut up!" Kurt snaps as he removes the bottle from his lips. "Just stop talking. You sound like on of the adults from Dave Karofsky land."
"What?" Half the room says.
"I think he means Charlie Brown." Puck explains. All confused eyes turn to him. "What? I speak drunk."
"Drunk!" Rachel snaps louder than anyone else. "Kurt would never get drunk when he knows I have important news."
"That's the exact reason Kurt would get drunk." Kurt mutters as he slumps over.
His chair shifts and he falls into Puck's side. Puck chuckles as he moves his arms to help keep Puck up.
"You okay Hummel?" Puck chuckles as Kurt's eyes widen at the touch.
Kurt's eyes soften and he smirks before looking up at Puck. "You're like . . . really strong."
Puck chuckles before slowly pushing Kurt back into his seat. "Thanks Hummel."
"What is wrong with you Kurt?" Mercedes asks from the front row by Quinn.
"Nothing's wrong with me." Kurt says firmly before bursting out into a fit of giggles.
"I can't believe that he's actually drunk." Artie can only stare in awe at his friend.
"I think it's funny." Tina adds softly from his side.
"It's not funny." Rachel snaps at everyone.
"She's right Kurt." Finn adds, slightly more awake than before.
"Thank you Finn." Rachel says sweetly to Finn before glaring at Kurt. "You should be sober for everything I say and-"
"And you should shut your trap." Kurt's loud voice cuts Rachel off and echoes through the room. "And stop being so arrogant." Kurt turns to Puck and shoves the bottle into his hand. "Hold this for a second." Puck can only nod with an amused smile as Kurt stands up and looks to Rachel. "And just shut your trap for once in a while."
Kurt gets a round of laughs as he makes his way forward, using the chairs to holed himself up.
"Kurt . . . you're not being very professional. We only except professionals in this room and-" Kurt cuts her off with a laugh.
"What's professional about you? I mean, have you seen your sweater." Kurt points a shaky finger at her.
Out of all the laughs, Puck is the loudest,
Kurt smirks and turns to look at the boy. "Don't worry Puck, I'll get to you soon."
Puck raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. Kurt turns back to Rachel.
"Kurt, who do you think you are to talk me like this?" Rachel sneers.
"I'm an annoyed subject under the reign of Queen Manhands." Kurt ignores her open gasps and takes her hand. "Wow." He giggles as he turns her hands over and over. "You're hands really are manly. Does that mean Finn's gay since part of you is man?"
Two obnoxious yells come from the naive couple well the rest share a laugh with Kurt.
"No Rachel." Kurt cuts her off and reaches down to pinch at her sweater. "You're a terrible queen. I mean, I know that that old rena-whatsit called have bad wardrobes, but geez Rachel. Do you have to dress so bad?" Kurt doesn't give her a chance to answer before he reaches out and runs his finger hard over the outline of the horse embedded on the shirt. "It's just horrid." Rachel's eyes are in shock as Kurt drags his finger hard over a part that happens to go right over her breasts. "And completely tacky."
"K-K-Kurt. Please stop." Rachel's voice only gets stronger when Kurt moves his fingers away.
"Oh God." Kurt squeals with glee. "You're getting turned on by me." Kurt squeals again and claps his hands as he turns around to face the many amused people. "I Kurt Hummel, have made Queen Manhands horny." Kurt squeals before turning back to Rachel. "Get better clothes and a sex change and we'll talk. I could use a good sex slave." He ignores the shocked faces and ponders for a second. "I'll have to teach you a few tricks so you'll know how to behave."
"Dude!" Finn shouts at Kurt as he stands up. "You can't talk to my girlfriend like that. I don't care if you're drunk."
Kurt chuckles as he turns to look at his step-brother. "Ooh. Finny is finally getting his balls back. I though you lost those when you had them next to Santana's ovaries." Kurt smirks as he turns to the class. "Bazinga." Kurt says proudly.
Mercedes and Quinn are staring in shock. Tina and Artie are practically hanging on each other laughing. Puck is wide eyed at the state of Kurt Hummel, but laughing all the same. Rachel is in a fit of shock while Finn can't believe what's coming out of Kurt's mouth.
"Seriously Finn, I know you're not the smartest, but Jesus. Grow up a bit. I mean internally." Kurt adds quickly. "If you grow any taller now we might as well paint you and send you to the NBA." Kurt giggles before bringing his hand to his mouth and stopping. "God no. You'd be unbalanced and kill someone. Maybe you should be a professional coat rack."
"Dude." Is all Finn can seem to say.
"And while you're at it, maybe you should never have sex." Kurt says with a smile.
"Yeah. I mean you abrupt so quickly that by the time you're in a girl, boom goes the dynamite. She'll be pregnant in a heartbeat." Kurt wrinkles his nose in disgust. "That'd be terrible. So do the world a favor. Always stay sitting, and . . . don't have sex." Kurt adds seriously.
"Oh shut up Finn. Just don't have sex. And trust me, I've seen your morning wood and I have no idea how you and Santana could even have sex." Kurt shudders.
Puck's barking laugh is the loudest.
"Also Finn, you're not even hot. Cute isn't even you. You have this look about you." Kurt shrugs. "I think it's you trying to think, but it's just not working." Kurt shakes his head. "You know what, just never do anything. No sex, no thinking, no nothing." Kurt shivers at the thought.
Kurt lets out a small burp and starts giggling again.
"I think he's officially lost it." Quinn says quietly.
"I've never seen Kurt this drunk." Tina giggles.
Mercedes looks over to her. "I thought we only drank that one time."
"No." Tina shakes her head with a smile. "ever since you started pulling away, we hung out more. Lot's of drinking, but I think it's different because them two are here." Tina points to Rachel and Finn.
Where'd my bottle go?
Kurt pats his pockets.
"I think it's hilarious." Puck adds in with a laugh.
Kurt's eyes flash up and spots his bottle in the tan boys hands.
There it is.
His eyes go up to Puck's smirk.
"Oh Puckerman." Kurt says sweetly.
Puck points to himself. "Please tell me that you're not doing me next." Puck actually sounds scared.
Everyone still in their seats are holding back their laughs, waiting to see what Kurt will do next.
"Do you want me to do you?" Kurt asks deviously as he slowly sways his hips over to the boy. "Because my place is empty right now and I've been hoping to use my handcuffs on someone."
Puck gulps and tries to keep his smirk up. "No way Hummel. I don't do that."
"Pity." Kurt pouts as he makes his way up to the risers. "I was hoping for some fun." Kurt doesn't wait for a reaction before he plops himself down into the boys lap.
"Hummel!" Puck nearly yells in shock of Kurt's actions.
Kurt ignores him and crosses his ankles before wrapping his arms around the tan boys neck. "You know Noah, you're like . . . really, really hot." Kurt tries to wink, but fails when he starts giggling.
"Umm . . ." Puck looks a bit uncomfortable as he wraps his arms carefully around the boy, not being mean enough anymore to want him to fall and hurt himself. "Thanks." He glares at the few that dare giggle.
"I'm serious. Like dead sexy." Kurt says seriously, before grinning. "Now how much grip does this hawk have?" Kurt doesn't hesitate to reach up and yank at Puck's mohawk. The boy, to everyone's surprise, moans. Kurt smiles deviously. "I knew you'd like that Puckerman. And it's just even better that I caused it."
"Shh." Kurt places a finger over his mouth. "It's fine. I just have a few things I need to tell you."
Puck gulps and slowly nods. Kurt smiles before removing his finger.
"First thing . . . you suck at life." Kurt says flat out. "I mean, if you would just try at anything but sex, then you would go places. And then you'd be a good man who brings many orgasms to the future Mrs. Puckerman." Kurt explains with fairly good logic for a drunk guy. "You just gotta try more babe." The words slips off Kurt's tongue with ease before he grabs the bottle from Puck's hand and takes another swig. "Also . . . stop being arrogant." Kurt crinkles his nose. "I mean, if you were a bit nicer then you wouldn't feel like a Lima Loser all the time." Kurt doesn't hesitate to lean forward and put his lips next to a stunned Puck's ear. "Plus you're hotter when you smile instead of smirking."
Kurt doesn't wait for the stunned boy to react before he rolls off his lap. He grabs onto the nearest chair to hold himself up.
The room needs to stop moving.
Kurt stumbles his way down the risers as he takes another swig. Next thing he knows, is back is on two warm legs. He looks up into the wide of Artie.
"Artie." Kurt says with a wide smile as he tries to sit up, and fails. "How's my best friend?"
"I'm good." Artie says quickly as he looks around for help. No one is willing to stop Kurt's ranting.
Kurt suddenly leans close to Artie, their faces only inches apart. They can each feel each other's breath.
"You need to stop this Kurt." Rachel says suddenly as she pops out of her shocked daze.
"No way." Puck argues. "He ranted at me. I think it's high time to hear what he really thinks. I want to see him rant at everyone."
"He has a point." Tina says quietly, trying to stay out of Kurt's radar even though she's sitting right next to Artie..
"See." Puck says with a smirk.
Kurt has his eyes still wide as he looks at Artie.
"I'm scared." Artie says quietly. "Why hasn't he done anything?"
"Maybe he's asleep." Mercedes suggests. "He can sleep with his eyes open.
"Great. Now get him off of me." Artie hisses.
Kurt starts giggling at Artie. The disable boy jumps in his chair. Before he can react, Kurt reaches out and takes his glasses.
He smiles wide as he slides them on, before frowning. "For all that isn't chocolate!" Kurt exclaims. "You're eyesight really is bad."
"I know." Artie says as he stares straight at where he last saw Kurt.
Kurt shifts so he's sitting upright. "I mean really. This is truly awful, but I guess you're lucky now since you don't have to see the Queen over there." Kurt points a thumb over at Rachel. "Do I look like Harry Potter?" Kurt asks with a wide-eyed grin.
"Only if Harry drank." Puck mutters loud enough for everyone to laugh.
Kurt makes himself go cross-eyed a few times before sliding the glasses back onto a thankful Artie. "But they look good on you. You're like . . . a hot nerd, if those even exists." Kurt wonders aloud as he looks down at the bottle in his lap. "Like . . . like a nerd, but hot." Kurt says softly before looking back up at Artie with a serious expression. "You could get anyone in this place, but you need confidence. You'd be a lot selfless too if you had that. And maybe, just maybe, you might still have Tina." Kurt seems to be sober, but this curse breaks when Kurt starts laughing. He pokes Artie in the chest. "Oh I so got you. I'm like the best dang actor in this place."
Kurt chuckles at Artie's jumpy expression before twirling around in his lap to face Tina. Artie squeezes his eyes and lets out a small gasp at Kurt's quick, but heavy movement on his groin.
"Tina . . . Dear." Kurt smiles widely as he reaches forward and takes her shaking hand from her lap. "How are you?"
"G-g-good." Tina stutters genuinely.
"Why do nervous?" Kurt asks with a mock pout. "We're bestest friends right?"
"The bestest." Tina answers, some confidence building up since Kurt didn't exactly rant Artie out.
"Good. Good." Kurt pats her hand before taking another swig from his bottle. "Now as friends, I can tell you what I think, correct?" Kurt takes another swig before trying to look seriously at the trembling girl.
Tina gulps and slowly nods, fearing the fact that Kurt is drinking more. "Sure."
"Good. Now the first thing I want you to do is buck up." Kurt's advice isn't bad . . . so far. "I mean come on. You're setting the Woman's movement back by like . . . I don't know how long it's been around, but a really long time." Kurt stops and opens his mouth to let out a loud belch. He smiles with pride before refocusing on Tina. "You need to talk to Michael about how much you despise his mom. Otherwise I'll have to step in and . . . and I'll do something. Mark my words." Kurt says seriously before giggling again. "I mean come on. The only time I saw you do anything of power was when you chewed Artie out last year. Point in case." Kurt says excitedly. "You wanted to be treated like this strong woman, but you made yourself go back into your shell. Man up woman."
Kurt chuckles at the irony he just said as he falls out of Artie's lap and onto the floor. Kurt miraculously keeps his bottle steady as his back hits the ground. Kurt looks surprised for one second before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"Should we take him home?" Mercedes asks.
"We can take him to the nurse to sleep." Tina suggests.
"I say we let him suffer." Quinn says, not taking her eyes off of Kurt. "He chose to drink and he shoulder have to suffer the consequences like everyone else."
"Easy Q." Puck growls. "A decent human being makes sure another somewhat decent human being at least has a place to sleep."
"I said nurse." Tina mutters.
"Well I think that we should get Mr. Schue in here to handle Kurt and-" Rachel's sudden talking is cut off by Kurt belching from the floor.
"But I'm not done Miss Baboon. I didn't get to bring my show and tell." Kurt whines from the floor.
Puck roars with laughter. Finn starts to, but Rachel glares at him.
"Don't you remember what he said to you?" She snaps.
"Shut up Manhands!" Kurt yells from the floor before slowly sitting up. "You're voice is doing very bad things for my ears." He ignores Rachel's ranting at him as he stumbles to stand up. "Seriously Manhands. I can literally feel my dick being cut off by your piercing voice."
This shuts her up. But it also makes all the guys cringe at the thought and the girls go wide eyed. Kurt smiles with pride as he makes his way over to Quinn and Mercedes.
"My other girls. I'm so happy to see you." Kurt opens his arms, expecting a hug.
Quinn glares. "Please be quiet Kurt. No one wants to hear you anymore. You're being rather rude."
Rude. I can't be rude. Only rude people are rude. I'm not rude . . . am I?
Kurt sticks his nose up at Quinn as he takes the seat between her and Mercedes. "We you know what Quinn . . . you're rude too."
"Me." Quinn presses a hand to her chest, insulted. "I've never-"
"Puh-lease. All last year with the baby and stuff. You were a bigger Ice Queen than I usually am." Kurt nods very seriously before taking another word. "Actually, in all honesty . . . you deserve to die." Kurt nods with his own statement.
To say that everyone thought Kurt couldn't surprise them anymore, they were wrong. Seven faces gasps and go impossibly wide-eyed with shock at Kurt's statement, including Quinn.
"I . . . I beg your pardon." Quinn says as her she catches her breath. "That is incredibly-"
"Rude. That's what you were going to say right." Kurt starts giggling. "Oh I love this game."
"This isn't a game Kurt." Rachel says softly. "You just threatened her life."
"I did no such thing." Kurt waves her off. "I'm just saying that she deserves it. Anyone?" He looks around, disappointed at the lack of support. "Aw come on guys. First, the whole thing with her tricking Frankenteen into thinking that it was his baby. I mean we all know Finn is stupid as a bag of his empty nuts-"
"But did you really have to do that? Would he really have been a good father?" Kurt asks seriously. "I mean, wouldn't he be forgetting important things like play dates or forgetting to pick them up from school?" Kurt asks with a nod. "He would. We all know he would. And then you'd be passing on his terrible genes." Kurt burps in her face. Quinn tries to wave the burp away, but Kurt grabs her hands. "And these hands. How many people have you hurt with them. Frankenteen, Noah, uhh . . . Manhands, Beth." Kurt ignores her enraged face. "I mean all you do is hurt and hurt and then you play the innocent victim card. So just go die. Die." Kurt says theatrically as he releases her hands. "Because if you don't . . . then an evil will sweep these lands and it will end in pure . . . evil . . . chocolate mashed potatoes." Kurt cracks up on the last part.
Everyone is staring at him like he's crazy. Kurt takes another swig before laying his head on her tense shoulder.
"You know . . . out of everyone I know, you're probably the only that deserves to just die. Maybe you'll save a lot of people a lot of heartbreak." Kurt mutters as he runs his hands through her blonde hair.
Quinn can only stare forward in shock.
Geez. Take a joke will you.
Kurt groans as he pulls away from her and finds his head on the shoulder of one Mercedes Jones.
"Mercedes." Kurt squeals with delight. "How is my old friend?" He tries to wrap his arms around her, but stops when he sees his bottle in his hand. He brings it to his mouth and drinks.
"I think that's enough baby boy." Mercedes says firmly.
"Oh isn't that precious." Kurt coos before reaching up to pinch her cheeks. "You really think you're a proud black woman don't you."
"I am a proud black woman." Mercedes says with confidence.
"No . . . you're really not." Kurt shakes his head. "Otherwise you wouldn't be worried about your weight, or finding a boyfriend. All you do is complain . . . and complain." Kurt stresses with a slur. "You never have any action. Unless you have adrenaline and then you do things out of reason. Like putting a hole in my car." Kurt's voice gets louder at the end, glaring at an embarrassed Mercedes. "Or unless you're mad at Schue." Kurt says quietly with a shrug before taking another drink. "You need to be louder. Show them who you really want to be instead of someone who lies about shanking someone. We both know you're terrified of blood." Kurt stage whispers before sliding out of his seat.
He looks to the room and takes another swig. Rachel and Finn have their arms wrapped around each other, still in disbelief. Artie and Tina are cracking up at the couple in front, glad that their own rants weren't that bad. Quinn is staring ahead in shock at Kurt's description of her. Mercedes has her mouth gaping like a fish. Puck is just full on laughing, not caring if Kurt creeped him out for a few short seconds.
Kurt winks at Puck and makes a call me sign with his fingers before turning around. Next thing he knows, the floor is coming to meet his face before it all goes black.
Wow. That was like the longest single chapter I've ever written. So let me know what you think. If I get enough love for this, I will post a quick follow up in a few days with the aftermath of Kurt waking up. Part's two and three will be released as one/two shots in between big multi-chapter stories.
And I don't mean to offend anyone with Kurt's words. They were just random rants with cracks at everyone.
I already know who's being ranted at in the next Drunken adventures, but who do you want?
Leave me a nice long review. I love them and they motivate me to update quicker.