Balls of Fire
A fanfic by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi
It is posited there exists in the universe the manzai horizon. It is a boundary, apparently, that separates the tsukkomi from the boke, but this is really all theoretical. Think not too deeply upon whether this boundary is in existence, for in your contemplation, you place yourself at risk to the danger of a harisen smacking the top of your head.
"Oi, what is this narration?" asked Gintoki Sakata, slightly annoyed, and quite lazily.
"Eh? What narration are you talking about?" asked Shinpachi Shimura, to his boss, Gin.
"The words at the beginning of this fanfiction?" said Gintoki, pointing up.
"Uh, what are you pointing at, exactly?" asked Shinpachi. He then whispered to Gintoki, "You do realize this is written, rather than drawn, so the reader can't actually see you point?"
"Stuff that. If the writer has any talent, then the reader can see me pointing," replied Gintoki. "It's all about description. For instance, right now, the reader can see me picking my nose, and flicking my booger at your face, Shinpachi."
Shinpachi took out his handkerchief, and wiped his face clean of nose nugget, and then placed his handkerchief back into his pocket. He then proceeded to lunge at Gintoki, his hands apart just the width of a man's neck. However, his hands could not reach Gintoki's neck, as the older man had countered Shinpachi's attack by grabbing the boy, and holding him in a headlock.
"The reader can see so much if the writer has any talent at description. If not, then the reader has to be told what the hell is happening." Gintoki released Shinpachi from his hold, after the boy stopped struggling. He then asked, "Anyway, tell me what the hell is up with that damn opening!"
"Uh, it's... um. I don't know, but I'm sure the author has some reason for having written it."
"My guess is, he wrote it cause he couldn't think of a decent opening for a decent story. It was something he pulled from his ass, cause he thought it sounded respectable."
"And you could do better?" asked Shinpachi.
"Easily." Gintoki pointed to the reader, and said, "Let's begin, again!"
Call me Gintoki. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely -
"Oi!" Shinpachi shouted. "That's plagiarism!"
"It isn't plagiarism, Pachi! It's the epic tale of how Captain Turtle and I hunted a space sperm whale..."
"That's totally plagiarism! There's not even an original idea in that description!"
"Maybe you're too academic for fanfiction, Pachi. Perhaps I should bring in an expert. Oi! Kagura. It's time for your entrance into the fanfiction."
"Enough. We can never rebuild the fourth wall."
"Ossu! Kagura entered-aru, but from where, and how so, is not known. She could've been standing nearby, or more than likely sitting on the couch watching TV, but it is more exciting to think that she came from a different dimension."
"You don't have to write your own entrance, Kagura-chan. That's the author's job..."
"No! I can't leave it up to him! He's just some madao! Probably he'll put us all in embarrassing situations that we'd really never ever do-aru! Said Kagura-chan as she did an amazing pose, with a serious expression on her face."
"You're just sitting on the couch, watching TV, Kagura. Don't try to deceive the reader," said Shinpachi. "Besides, what sort of situations would the author place us in that you'd object to? Considering that so many of us have been shown on the toilet, throwing up, naked, beaten, arrested, transformed, and humiliated, I can't think of anything you could be worried about."
"I'd hate to be written as a sl*t, falling in love with any old sadist that comes along. Said Kagura, as she chews on sukonbu, her eyes glazed over from that condition called TV eyes-aru."
"You've gone from trying to deceive the reader to being too honest, probably," said Shinpachi. "Anyway, you don't have to worry, the author of this fanfic is a guy, so I don't think you have to worry about pairings."
"He could try to write us into a crossover, though. Said Kagura-sama. Wouldn't you hate to be a pony? Or a G*nd*m?"
"We've already been crossed over with G*nd*m."
"Wouldn't you hate to be crossed over with The L*rd of the Fl**s? Asked Kagura, annoyed, as she she couldn't find a decent show to watch, flipping through the channels, one after another-aru. I bet you'd make a great P*gg**, Pachie!"
"No, Kagura-chan, Shinpachi would already have a role in the crossover. He'd be P*gg**s glasses," said Gintoki, who sat beside Kagura, and snatched away the remote.
"No way! P*gg**s glasses are important in the story! Shinpachi doesn't get any important roles in the crossover. He can be a Þ, instead!"
"Why the hell would I wanna be an obsolete letter? I'd never appear in the story that way! And why are we talking about some crossover that isn't even being written?"
"Þ might be too important, too Kagura-chan. Use the small case þ instead, cause it'd have even less impact."
"Oi, you two are trying to write me out of a fanfiction that doesn't even exist. It's pissing me off."
"Give me an example-aru. Said Kagura to the wavy haired, and brain waves, man."
"For example, let's begin the story. 'Þe story of þe man who saved þe world."
"I can't even tell the difference, anyway. Said Kagura. Why's the smaller case þ bigger than the upper case Þ?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's what they call 'over-compensation'?" asked Gintoki. "And look, it's time for the weather report. Time to end this fanfic."
"Don't try to end this fanfic for your own convenience, Gin-san," said Shinpachi, sternly.
"Oi! Even the author wants to end the story?" shouted Shinpachi, annoyed.
"It's probably not a case of wanting to end it, it's just that he probably can't think of what to write next." Gintoki yawned, and then kicked Kagura off his couch so he could lie down to watch TV.
"The original notes said this was supposed to be an epic-aru. But then Gin-chan derailed it with his question up above. Said Kagura, as she pointed to the second paragraph of the fanfiction."
"I already said to stop pointing in this fanfic. Is the reader really able to see you pointing to specific sections of text?"
"The reader can see so much, it's embarrassing. I bet the reader can even see images in their mind when I say, 'Shinpachi's room is littered with rolled up used tissues from late night personal sessions. For what are the tissues?'"
"Now you're just pissing me off! Quit suggesting lewdness to the reader. The author was trying to keep the fic at General readership level, but now, we might have to become Teen, or even Mature!"
"The author can just improvise," said Gintoki.
"How so? What's written, and has been published is forever. Especially on the internet."
"The author can improvise, like this!"
"Oi! Huh? Really? That's seriously it?"
"Give it a rest, Pachi. You won't become a man this fic. You'll have to make do with naughty magazines and your hand for now," said Gintoki.
"Shut it! And author, seriously! End this fic, now!"