"Hello everyone," The head of a man with black hair with white on the sides and a black mustache appeared in a crystal ball. "Crystal Ball here. Once I was Cobra's head of the Psychic Research division. Now I'm just an oversized paperweight being delivered to God knows where thanks to E-Bay."
Sure enough he was stuck in a crate filled with straw. "But enough about my misfortunes. At least in here I don't have to listen to Cobra Commander's whining. If you have been following the adventures of Cobra this past year you know all about it. If you haven't a clue who I am or what I'm talking about…Well you should have paid attention."
"Even though I can't see my own future I can see what is going on with Cobra now," Crystal Ball said. "To recap, Cobra Commander and what was left of his command staff after the Big Cobra Breakup of 2012 crashed the pad of Destro and his new girlfriend the Countess. And completely wrecked it. Then they went to Bangkok and met up with the Baroness, Destro's old girlfriend and her new boyfriend. The renamed Rescindar who was once involved with the Countess."
"Confused? Don't worry you still will be if you keep watching the insanity that is Cobra," Crystal Ball said. "Let us pick up shortly after we left off. After One Night In Bangkok we find our not so merry band of misanthropes landing their ship off the coast of Australia in a secret harbor in a secret cove. Let's watch what other messes they can get into shall we?"
"I mean I have to watch something," Crystal Ball sighed. "I'm stuck in a crate being shipped to God knows where about to be owned by God knows who! I have to do something to pass the time…Oh wait! The new episode of Modern Family is on! Never mind! You lot are on your own…I'll catch up…" He started to fade out.
Then he faded back in. "Oh wait. I almost forgot. The following is a disclaimer. The maniac who wrote this drivel does not own any GI Joe characters. Okay she made up the Countess and Rescindar but they're obviously knock offs created to prove a point. What that point is I have no idea. Nor do I care. Modern Family is on. So without further ado…Now it's time to watch the further adventures of Cobra in…"
Looking At An Annoying Little Mirror
Somewhere in a secret cove harbor in Australia…
"Some captain you are! You said it was going to take us two days get here! How could you get us lost?" The Baroness snapped at a blonde woman with an eye patch wearing a blue uniform. They were embarking off of a yacht on a pier.
"We were not lost! We were taking the scenic route!" The Countess yelled back in her own mysterious Eastern European accent.
"That scenic route almost got us killed!" The Baroness shouted.
"It did not! Besides I was trying to evade the law in case you haven't noticed!" The Countess yelled.
"Oh I noticed! I noticed that nobody knew where we were including you!" The Baroness shouted.
"Three days at sea…" Destro moaned as he staggered off the ship in perfect time with Rescindar.
"Three hellish days at sea," Rescindar moaned in his Irish brogue. His gold mask almost matched Destro's silver one.
"Three days, six hours…" Xamot began as he and his brother followed them.
"Forty five minutes and twenty seven seconds," Tomax added.
"Is that all?" Mindbender followed them. He had a Capuchin monkey on his shoulder. "I was so sure it was longer!"
"Another day another headache," Cobra Commander grumbled as he brought up the rear. "Worst sea trip ever!"
"Commander…" Destro sighed.
"EVER!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And this includes the time I was eaten by my own mechanical sea serpent and forced to work for over four hours!"
"Well whose fault was that?" Destro snapped.
"The sea serpent or the trip we just barely survived from?" Mindbender asked.
"I was referring to our recent Voyage of the Damned but now that I think about it, BOTH!" Destro snapped.
"Put the blame where it belongs! On the Bickering Bitches of the West!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"The only bright spot of the trip was when we were attacked by pirates," Xamot grumbled.
"And after ten minutes of fighting those two they surrendered and gave us all their loot," Tomax agreed.
"I will never forget that poor pirate's face as he voluntarily walked the plank," Mindbender sighed.
"Walked? He ran off!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Then again both the Baroness and the Countess were talking about how much blood they were losing during their menstrual cycle. I'd jump too. I almost did!"
"Thank God we're on dry land again," Destro looked around. "Where the hell are we?"
"What kind of base is this?" Mindbender looked and saw a large mini mansion only a few feet away.
"It's not exactly a base," The Countess said. "It's…"
"What the devil is that racket?" Destro blinked.
"Oh crap…" The Countess winced.
"Hey! They're back!" Someone shouted in an Australian accent from the house.
"Darling where exactly are we?" Destro asked the Countess.
"You see…" The Countess began.
"Mom! The twins are touching my stuff! We are not! You stole my lipstick!" Five children ranging in ages from sixteen to ten stormed out of the house and surrounded them. "Why would I take your stupid lipstick? Dad tell Derek to get a life!"
"Who are all these…" Cobra Commander winced. "Short people?"
"They are called children Cobra Commander," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"I know what they are called!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I was just trying to be politically correct."
"Tried and failed as usual," The Countess grumbled. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"
The children did so. "Countess…Are these children…Yours?" Destro asked.
"They're ours," Rescindar explained. "And so is this house. Well at least until our divorce."
"I let you have the other house in Barbados," The Countess sniffed.
"After it burned to the ground!" Rescindar snapped.
"Whose fault was that?" The Countess asked. "If you had been watching the twins like I asked you to…"
"Wait you two were married?" The Baroness was stunned.
"And you had children?" Destro was stunned as well.
"Well of course we did," Rescindar was confused.
"You can't stay together for over twenty five years and not get married and have children," The Countess said.
"Oh really?" The Baroness glared at Destro. "Imagine that!"
"Are all of these yours?" Cobra Commander was repulsed.
"Yes," Rescindar said. "Actually I think we're missing one."
"One, two, three, four, five…" The Countess counted. "Okay where is your older sister?"
"How should we know?" The oldest boy who was about sixteen shrugged. He had long messy blonde hair, blue eyes, a pair of head phones around his neck, a flannel red and black checked shirt with a black T-shirt underneath with jeans and sneakers. "She ran off a month ago."
"Derek, what do you mean your sister ran off a month ago?" The Countess shouted. "Why the hell didn't your Aunt Liz call me?"
"Because Aunt Liz ran off two months ago with some guy," The oldest girl who was about fourteen with long red hair and brown eyes shrugged. She was wearing pink shirt with a jean jacket, jeans and pink boots and had a lot of bangles on her arms. "I think he was the plumber or something."
"No, May," The younger girl spoke up. She was twelve with blue eyes, red hair and wearing a blue dress with rainbow leggings. "That was the guy before. This time she ran off with some guy she met online."
"You're right June," May nodded. "We didn't see the guy but she just took off."
"So you've been alone in the house for over two months?" Rescindar shouted. "Why didn't you call us?"
"Why didn't you call us?" One of the ten year old twin boys spoke up. Both were blonde with blue eyes and wearing matching blue and white striped shirts with jeans and sneakers.
"You are the parents after all," The second one spoke up.
"Or were the two of you too busy screwing around with other people to notice?" Derek asked.
"By the looks of the losers they have with them, I'm guessing that's the case," June spoke up. "Geese these guys look even worse than the circus freaks they usually come back with."
"Watch it little girl!" Cobra Commander asserted himself. "I am Cobra Commander! Leader of Cobra!"
"Who?" May asked.
"Cobra! A ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world!" Cobra Commander huffed. He was met with blank looks from the children. "Seriously you've never heard of me? I'm the one who used the world's first teleportation device for criminal purposes!"
"Huh?" Derek asked.
"The MASS Device? Ever hear of that?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Didn't someone else use that?" June asked.
"No, that was me!" Cobra Commander bristled.
"I don't think so," June said.
"Are you sure about that?" Derek asked.
"Well you must have heard tales of the Pyramid of Darkness! That was mine!" Cobra Commander said proudly.
"Uh not really," May shrugged.
"Never heard of it," Tom and Tim spoke as one.
"Was that a video game or something?" Derek asked.
"No, it was not a video game! It was a device that shut off all electricity on Earth!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Isn't that like the plot of that Revolution TV show?" May asked.
"They stole that idea from me!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Are you sure you didn't steal that idea from them?" Derek asked.
"Seriously? You must have heard something in school about Cobra! What about the Weather Dominator? That was one of mine! I held the United Nations hostage a couple of times. Almost stole the state of Alaska. The attacks on Washington DC," Cobra Commander listed his previous schemes. "I stole the freaking Eiffel Tower for crying out loud! None of you even heard of that?"
"Not really," May said.
"Doesn't ring a bell dude," Derek shrugged.
"Well Google it! I was a big freaking deal! I still am!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Kids today and their lack of education in history!"
"When were you planning to tell me that you were married once and had children?" Destro asked the Countess.
"Forget him! When were you going to tell me?" The Baroness snapped at Rescindar.
"The subject just never came up," Rescindar shrugged.
"Never came up?" The Baroness snapped. "I once asked you if you had any surviving family members and you said and I quote: Not really."
"Oh I thought you meant family members that still want to kill me," Rescindar said.
"That still kind of fits into her question Dad," Derek gave his father a glare.
"You watch your mouth!" The Countess snapped. "Have some respect for your father!"
"Why? You don't," Derek said.
"I'm an adult! I don't have to respect anyone!" The Countess told him.
"Way to set an example for the children," Rescindar grumbled.
"Like you're any better?" The Countess snapped. "How do you expect them to have any respect for you when you run around with snarky bimbos all the time?"
"This from the woman who has an entourage of freaks and gigolos following her everywhere she goes?" Rescindar pointed to Destro.
"What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "I mean I knew the educational system of the world was in bad shape but I didn't think it was this bad!"
"Hey he has a monkey!" June pointed to the monkey on Mindbender's shoulder.
"This is Mr. Peepers," Mindbender said. "I acquired him from a drug lord in Bangkok."
"A drug dealing monkey from Bangkok?" Tim's eyes widened.
"Cool!" Tom said happily.
"Can I pet your monkey?" June asked.
"Just be gentle with him," Mindbender said.
"Eeww, that thing has germs," May wrinkled her nose.
"Not as many as you do," June quipped as she petted the monkey.
"Oh yeah you all love him because he has a monkey!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "But I'm a world famous terrorist that stole the Eiffel Tower!"
"Yeah but do you have a monkey?" Derek asked. "Hey May! He looks like your last boyfriend!"
"Shut up Derek!" May hit him on the shoulder.
"You shut up!" Derek shoved his sister back.
"Both of you shut up and stop shoving each other!" The Countess snapped.
"She started it," Derek said.
"I don't care who started it! You keep acting out in front of company and I will finish it!" The Countess snapped.
"Company? Who are you kidding?" Derek snorted. "They're your dates!"
"Not all of them! Give us some credit!" The Countess snapped.
"That's what you said about the circus troop last year," May pointed out.
"Most of those were your father's not mine!" The Countess snapped. "I'm only with Destro and he's with the Baroness! The other losers are here for the ride."
"And there were only three of them in that troop and two were female," Rescindar pointed out. "Four if you count the conjoined twins."
"Actually they do count as two…" Mindbender began.
"Do you ever shut up?" The Countess snapped. "Rescindar why don't you help me out and do some actual parenting for a change?"
"I mean you'd think if you stole the Eiffel Tower alone it would be enough to guarantee you a place in history," Cobra Commander went on. "At the very least a little fun fact on one of those animated cartoons."
"Wait, what's this about conjoined twins?" The Baroness gave Rescindar a look.
"Your name is Rescindar again? I knew that Krel thing was only a phase," June scoffed. She turned to May. "You owe me a trip to the mall."
"Since when does she take you to the mall? She can't drive," The Countess said.
"I'll say she can't," Tim spoke up.
"By the way there are some speeding tickets she's hiding in the top drawer of…" Tom added.
"Shut up you little turds!" May shouted as she hit her brothers' heads together.
"Stop beating up your brothers!" The Countess shouted.
"She's got a real violent temper," Derek said. "She tried to stab one of my girlfriends."
"She was your tutor, not your girlfriend!" June rolled her eyes.
"And I didn't stab her! I was practicing my knife throwing! She was fine!" May said. "Big crybaby."
"Hey kids, trivia question," Cobra Commander spoke to an imaginary audience. "What leader of a terrorist organization was so good at what he did he stole the entire Eiffel Tower? Not part of the tower! The whole damn thing!"
"May I've told you I don't want you driving without an adult!" The Countess snapped. "You're grounded for two weeks!"
"Why can't I drive?" May shouted. "I need the practice!"
"Because it's illegal!" The Countess snapped.
"Mom you're a terrorist," May gave her mother a look. "Doing illegal stuff is kind of your job."
"First of all I am not a terrorist. I am a free-lance mercenary," The Countess snapped.
"You are a lot of things," May grumbled.
"You want to be grounded for longer than that young lady? Keep talking!" The Countess shouted.
"You ruined my life!" May snapped.
"You ruined mine first!" The Countess shouted. "And my body!"
"I knew I should have left with Dani when I had the chance!" May shouted.
"I almost wish you did!" The Countess yelled back.
"Now I know why The Countess took the scenic route to get here," The Baroness groaned.
"And knowing is a great reason to restock on birth control," Destro added.
"Aren't you going to do something about all this?" The Countess shouted at Rescindar.
"Like what? What do you want me to do?" Rescindar snapped.
"Find our runaway daughter for starters!" The Countess snapped.
"Fine! I'll activate the tracking chip! Again!" Rescindar threw up his hands.
"Don't bother," Tim spoke up.
"She had it removed before she left," Tom added.
"And put it on a bird," Tim said.
"You two were playing Surgeon again weren't you?" Rescindar glared at his offspring.
"Don't discourage it. It's a good career choice," Mindbender said.
"Go talk to your monkey! And put a shirt on!" The Countess snapped.
"Honey Dani is eighteen," Rescindar said. "Besides she'll be back. All we have to do is wait for her money to run out."
"Honey?" The Baroness gave Rescindar a look.
"Figure of speech," Rescindar said. "I was married to the woman for over twelve years! Give me a break!"
"I'd love to break a few body parts of yours," The Countess snapped. "All right, everyone inside! It's obvious we have a lot of catching up to do!"
"Do they have to stay with us?" Derek asked. "The guy with the monkey is okay but all of these other creeps..?"
"I don't like them either but if I have to put up with them so do you!" The Countess snapped as they started to go inside the house.
"Actually I don't think Destro is so bad…" Rescindar began.
"SHUT UP!" The Countess and the Baroness shouted at the same time.
"Don't you tell my boyfriend to shut up!" The Baroness snapped. "That is my job!"
"He was my boyfriend, my husband and my ex long before you showed up dearie!" The Countess fired back. "And if I want to tell him to shut up! I will tell him to shut up! In fact I have more reason to tell that idiot to shut up than you!"
"More reason?" The Baroness scoffed.
"Yes! Six of them to be precise and five of them are right here!" The Countess snapped.
"Nice to know we count for something," June quipped.
"I'd like to say right now that nobody is staying in my room!" May spoke up. "It's off limits!"
"Who'd want to go into your room anyway?" June asked. "Pigs think it's too messy!"
"Mom, June is being a brat again!" May shouted.
"Well she is right about your room," The Countess added as they went into the house.
"How many people do you know stole the Eiffel Tower?" Cobra Commander ranted on. "One! Just one! ME!"
"Oh this is just going to be a lovely slice of Hell," Destro rolled his eyes as he went into the house.
"Tell us about it," The Crimson Twins said as one.
Several hours later…
"I even carved my face in the moon for crying out loud! The whole world saw it!" Cobra Commander went on at a large dinner table. "Okay I admit it didn't take. It got blasted off after about ten minutes but still…"
"Commander we were off you and the end of your fifteen minutes of fame hours ago," Destro glared at him. He was seated next to the Countess.
"Please let's talk about something else?" The Baroness groaned. "Anything else!" She was sitting between Destro and Rescindar.
"Yeah like where's Bambi?" Derek asked casually. "I thought she was your girlfriend Dad?"
"Oh right. Sorry son, I'm afraid Bambi is dead," Rescindar said.
"What? Bambi's dead?" Derek was stunned. "When did this happen?"
"A while ago," Rescindar waved. "I met the Baroness soon after."
"And you weren't going to tell us?" Derek shouted.
"What do you care anyway?" May asked as she picked at her food.
"I liked Bambi! Okay?" Derek snapped.
"Only because she let you put your tongue in her mouth," June scoffed.
"WHAT?" Rescindar and The Countess shouted.
"We have pictures of them making out," Tim and Tom said as one.
"YOU DID WHAT WITH THAT TRAMP?" The Countess yelled.
"You didn't pay her did you son?" Rescindar asked. "And if you did I hope you didn't use my credit card for it."
"THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT?" The Countess yelled. "This is what happens when you bring whores into this house!" She glared at the Baroness.
"Excuse me? Are you really throwing my personal choices in my face?" Rescindar pointed to Destro. "If I recall the whole circus troop disaster was your idea! Besides look who you are with! No offense Destro."
"None taken," Destro took a drink from his wine glass. "Any more wine?"
"Tell me this one isn't another alcoholic like the trapeze artist from last year," May rolled her eyes.
"May this doesn't concern you," The Countess snapped.
"Hey, what if you actually marry one of these freaks? Then it kind of does concern me!" May shouted.
"You know she does have a point," Tim began.
"Are you sure any of these people…?" Tom added.
"Are the right kinds of role models for us?" Tim added.
"Take the Crimson Twins here," Tom pointed.
"While we are impressed…" Tim began.
"At some of their past accomplishments," Tom added.
"Their current financial situation and the collapse of their company is much to be scrutinized," Tim finished.
"By the way we do want…" Tom began.
"To talk to the both of you," Tim went on.
"And learn what happened," Tom added.
"So we can learn," Tim said.
"From your mistakes," The Twins said at the same time.
"It's like looking at an annoying little mirror isn't it?" Cobra Commander asked the stunned Crimson Twins.
"Oh by the way," June said. "We did Google you Cobra Commander. You were right. You are famous."
"See?" Cobra Commander preened.
"Yeah famously bad," Derek snorted. "Dude you're like the Lindsey Lohan of terrorists!"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander shrieked.
"Let's see, you're always drunk and causing accidents. You're a whiny diva with a rap sheet a mile wide. You haven't had a decent hit in years," June counted off. "And you and everyone you are associated with are constantly embarrassing yourselves."
"Well she's not wrong," Mindbender said.
"Shut up Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I am not like Lindsey Lohan!"
"Yeah Lindsey has better taste than you do," The Baroness sneered.
"Yet we must admit," Tim brought out a small laptop.
"Your rants are quite interesting," Tom smirked.
"Like this one you sent GI Joe," Tim pushed play.
"Oh right," Cobra Commander chuckled nervously. "I'd forgotten about that."
"What rant? What are they talking about?" The Countess said.
"That's right you were fighting with the Baroness at the time," Destro groaned. "Well you see…"
"And the hilarious part is that Destro can't see that his new girlfriend is the same emasculating type of shrew his old girlfriend was!" Cobra Commander's voice was heard.
"Oh crap…" Cobra Commander winced. "This is going to be slightly awkward."
"WHAT?" Destro shouted as the video clip played.
"Same weird foreign accent. Same bad temper. Same hang-ups about relationships," The Cobra Commander on video went on. "Same stuck up attitude…"
"Stuck up am I?" The Countess glared at him.
"Well he's not wrong," Rescindar gave her a look.
"The only difference is that Destro traded in a brunette with two bad eyes for a blonde with only one good one!"
"That is outrageous! That is…?" Destro looked at the Countess. Then at the Baroness. Then at the Countess again.
"Accurate?" The Crimson twins said as one.
"He didn't exactly get an upgrade I'll tell you that much! If we didn't need her money and connections so that we won't be homeless I'd walk as far away from that witch as I could!"
"Okay this is taken out of context," Cobra Commander gulped as the Countess glared at him.
"What? You'd think I'd willingly hang around with a carbon copy of the Barones if she wasn't useful? Even the real Baroness wasn't half as much a headache as the Countess is!"
"Again out of context," Cobra Commander winced.
"Oh my God…" Destro looked back and forth at the two women.
"Ha! For once the Commander is surprisingly perceptive!" The Baroness laughed.
"Not that the real Baroness was all that bright to begin with…" Cobra Commander on screen said.
"WHAT?" The Baroness shouted.
"Destro cheated on her all the time left and right and it took her nearly two decades to figure it out! And even when she did figure it out, she still stayed with him! It's like she has a weakness for metal headed morons!"
"I do not have a…" The Baroness began. Then she looked at Rescindar. Then at Destro. Then the cold hammer of truth hit her. "Oh my God…"
"Shut that off!" Cobra Commander grabbed the laptop and turned it off. "Okay in hindsight that recording was not one of my better ideas."
"No, you think?" Mindbender snapped.
"What on Earth…?" Tomax began.
"Possessed you to send that video in the first place?" Xamot shouted.
"It was something to do!" Cobra Commander said. "Mindbender you should have stopped me!"
"I tried! You wouldn't listen!" Mindbender snapped.
"You should have said something!" Cobra Commander said.
"Oh really? My saying 'Cobra Commander sending a live video link to our enemies bragging about your life and Cobra gossip is a bad idea' was not a clue?" Mindbender snapped. "Does it mean something completely different where you come from?"
"How did this get online in the first place?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"One of the Joes must have put it up," Mindbender said. "Another point I made if you recall on why gloating to your enemies is a bad idea!"
"Especially if you have nothing to gloat about," Tomax grumbled.
"Starting to see why this guy failed at taking over the world," Derek snorted.
"I can't believe this is happening…" Destro was shocked. He kept looking back and forth from the Baroness to the Countess.
"I don't know why you are both stunned," The Countess said. "Your resemblance to my ex-husband is kind of the reason I went out with you in the first place."
"What?" Destro was stunned.
"I admit it. I have a thing for masks," The Countess shrugged. "I think it has to do with me seeing Phantom of the Opera at a young age."
"Is that why you made us watch that movie?" June asked.
"All I knew was that Erik was pretty damn hot as long as he had the mask on," The Countess shrugged.
"And I thought everyone knew I had a thing for mysterious though slightly domineering Eastern European women," Rescindar said. "It's on my Evil Facebook page."
"Wait you knew too?" The Baroness was stunned.
"Of course we knew! How could you not know?" The Countess asked.
"We just figured you had a thing," Rescindar said.
"Come on you have to admit it was rather obvious," The Countess said.
"Why do you think I've been wearing this mask all the time?" Rescindar pointed to his golden mask. "I figured you were into it."
"I was going to ask that question myself," June said. "Usually you take it off when you get home."
"I have to…get some air," The Baroness got up and went out of the room.
"A real brain surgeon you picked this time," The Countess snorted.
"Oh like yours was any smarter?" Rescindar pointed to Destro. "He was just as clueless as she was! No offense."
"None, taken…" Destro got up. "I think I will get some air too."
"Get some brain cells while you're at it," May snorted. June and Derek laughed.
"Watch it young lady!" The Countess snapped.
"Why are you picking on me? It's not my fault you two picked a couple of losers attached to even more losers!" May snapped back.
"The point is that you shouldn't be rude to our guests even if they are losers!" The Countess snapped. Then she amended. "Except for Cobra Commander. You can be rude to him."
"Hey!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh shut up you spineless worm! You need my house and my money so I'm in charge now! Deal with it!" The Countess snapped.
"It's like our wedding vows all over again," Rescindar grumbled as he took a drink of wine.
Destro found the Baroness sitting on the front steps outside the house. "Mind if I sit?" Destro pointed.
"It's a free country. Last I checked," The Baroness slid over. Destro sat down. "I can't believe what we did. You I can see doing it but me…? I can't believe what we did!"
"What the hell is wrong with us?" Destro was stunned.
"A lot…" The Baroness groaned. "Obviously a lot!"
"How could we not see what we were getting into?" Destro was incredulous.
"We obviously have a type," The Baroness groaned. "The sad part is all our moron associates saw and we didn't!"
"Oh God that is the sad part," Destro put his head into his hands. "It's not just sad, it's frightening!"
"I'll bet even the Dreadnoks saw it!" The Baroness was ashamed.
"Even Torch?" Destro asked weakly.
"Even Torch," The Baroness groaned.
"Crap. We really do have problems," Destro admitted.
"WOULD IT KILL YOU TO TRY AND SUPPORT ME ONCE IN A WHILE?" The Countess' voice was heard from inside. "YOU KNOW MAYBE BE AN EFFECTIVE PARENT OR SOMETHING?"
"HOW CAN I BE AN EFFECTIVE PARENT WHEN YOU CONSTANTLY BELITTLE ME IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN?" Rescindar was heard next.
"You should hear what she says about you Dad when you're not around!" Derek was heard next.
"Don't try to butter up your father!" The Countess shouted back. "We need to have a serious talk young man!"
"That's all you ever do is talk!" Rescindar snapped. "Would it kill you to let someone else have a word in edgewise?"
"Although not as many as they do," Destro pointed out.
"That could have been us," The Baroness blinked.
"And you wonder why I was afraid to commit?" Destro asked.
"DON'T THINK WHAT HAPPENED GETS YOU OFF THE HOOK YOUNG MAN!" The Countess shouted from inside the building.
"OH LIKE BAMBI WAS THE ONLY ONE OF DAD'S GIRLFRIENDS I EVER KISSED!" Derek shouted back.
"WHO ELSE DID YOU…? Never mind!" Rescindar snapped. "It's not important!"
"Oh I see your son acting inappropriately is not important?" The Countess yelled.
"Not as important as your sons setting the table on fire!" Rescindar snapped. "BOYS STOP PLAYING WITH THOSE MINI FLAMETHROWERS!"
"MOM! THOSE LITTLE PYROS SET MY DINNER ON FIRE!" June shouted.
"WHAT DO YOU CARE? THE FOOD WAS LOUSY ANYWAY!" May shouted.
"THAT'S IT! MAY YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH!" The Countess shouted.
"Big deal! I was grounded when you left months ago! All I have to do is wait until you leave again!" May snapped. "In fact I may not even wait this time!"
"YOU WILL WAIT UNTIL THE ICE AGE COMES AGAIN IF…" The Countess screamed. "MINDBENDER GET THAT DAMN MONKEY OFF THE TABLE! AND COBRA COMMANDER STOP DRINKING ALL OUR WINE!"
"Seriously Baroness, is this what you really wanted?" Destro asked as he pointed a thumb at the house.
"Honestly, now that I see it…" The Baroness thought. "No!"
"I HATE YOU!" May shouted. "I HATE ALL OF YOU!"
"WELL THAT MAKES US ALL EVEN THEN DOESN'T IT?" The Countess yelled.
"Baroness I am willing to make a deal," Destro said. "I will take complete and total responsibility for the dog incident if you agree I was right about us not getting married."
"NOW WHAT DID YOU BOYS BREAK?" Rescindar yelled. "IT BETTER NOT BE ANYTHING EXPENSIVE! Oh wait. It's just our wedding picture. Never mind."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEVER MIND YOU…?" The Countess started yelling profanities.
"Deal," The Baroness shook his hand.