The Helpless
Story Written by Freedom Fighter

It's been more than a year since I finished the "Vanessa's Moral Wars" trilogy and figured it's high time I wrote another Vanessa Doofenshmirtz tale! So, here it is! It's Vanessa at her butt-kicking best in this three-part mini-series, which also features a beloved original character from the aforementioned trilogy. If you've never read the trilogy, you probably won't know about the history between her and Vanessa, so I recommend you do that first. Also, in keeping up with the show's timeline, this takes place a short, unknown period of time after the episode "Sipping with the Enemy."

Enjoy Act One! Acts Two and Three will follow the next two Mondays!

Disclaimer: A certain original character is my creation and belongs to me. Vanessa and the other characters of 'Phineas and Ferb' belong to Disney.

An aqua-colored rental car pulled out of a Florida airport parking deck and towards the highway. Behind the wheel was Doctor Doofenshmirtz, and beside him, his elated daughter, Vanessa.

"I can't believe it!" she exclaimed with glee. "An actual vacation!"

"Yes, of course!" Dr. D said in response. "I'm your father, after all. I have to do things for you, after all."

"Yeah, but never would I have ever expected for you to take me to The Happiest Place on Earth!"

Doofenshmirtz chuckled. "Yeah. That."

"And no -inators!"

Doofenshmirtz reached under his chin and started scratching it.

"And most importantly, no bringing your work with you! No evil whatsoever!"

Vanessa was happy to have said that. She truly believed this was an actual, stress- and evil-free vacation.

Then she saw her dad anxiously rubbing the back of his neck. It was too good to be true. She groaned.

"Ugh, I knew it, I KNEW IT! DAD!"

"Wait, wait, Vanessa, I can explain! And let me, 'cause we're already on the freeway and your mom would kill me if you jumped out of a car going 80!"

The 16-year old teen glared at her father, not happy about being dragged on another one of her father's schemes under the guise of a father-daughter vacation. But she had no choice but to listen.

"Go ahead."

"Well, Vanessa, you see..."

Two hours later...

"...and that's why we're here, as I'm a guest speaker at EvilCon Southeast, to inspire the would-be villains of tomorrow how to take over a tri-area! Neat, huh? Oh, look, we're here!"

The explanation did not need to take that long, but Doofenshmirtz had stretched it enough so that he would finish just in time for their arrival at their destination. Vanessa peered out the passenger window and saw a large anchor which served as the town's welcome marker. And on it was the town's name.


Doctor Doofenshmirtz parked in the lot of the hotel where EvilCon Southeast was going on. As he turned the key towards him to shut off the engine, he saw that Vanessa had her arms crossed over her chest. She huffed in anger.

"Look, I know you're mad, Vanessa..."

"Understatement of the year," she deadpanned.

" I'm not expecting you to come in and watch my speech. So..."

He reached over, bending slightly over his daughter's lap in order to get to the glove compartment. He pulled the latch, allowing the door to drop downward and reveal what he was hiding inside.

Vanessa's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Is that the new iFone5?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Dr. D.

Vanessa opened the box. Seconds later, the new smartphone was in her hands.

"Consider it an early birthday present!"

"But my birthday's ten months away."

"That's how much I love you, Vanessa! Go, turn it on!"

Vanessa did so as her father continued to talk.

"Had the guy at the store preload a bunch of popular apps, whatever those are. Cost a lot, that's for sure!"

The brunette was amazed at everything that had come with her phone. Until she spotted one particular app that made her uneasy.

"Uh, Dad? What's Norm doing on my iFone?"

She pointed at an app represented by Norm's head inside a blue box.

"That's the best part! Look!"

He pressed the box, which expanded to a blue screen. Norm's head appeared. And it just stayed there, looking out of the screen.

"Okay, Vanessa, now get out of the car..."

The two of them did. Vanessa then watched as her father pointed at a shirtless teenage boy with a visible six-pack of abs.

"Hey, you! Wanna get with my daughter?"


"What? You're single after you dumped that punk, right?"

Vanessa was about to correct him, but she could not. One, because she could not reveal whom her new boyfriend was. And, two, the guy her dad had called over was now a few feet away from them.

And then, out of the blue, came Norm's voice.

"WARNING! WARNING! This girl is 16! Stay away! She has cooties!"

Upon hearing that, the hot guy panicked, then ran away, screaming.

"Not worth it, man!" he shouted.

"Dad..." groaned Vanessa, covering her face with her hands, in embarrassment.

"See? Florida is full of gators and cougars! The cougar part never made much sense to me, but that's what the brochure said. Anyway, this'll keep you safe."

"Ugh! It's like having Norm in my pocket!"

"And don't even think of turning him off!"

To ensure Vanessa would comply, he pulled out his wallet and gave her 50 dollars.

"Now, make sure to be back by four for dinner! I heard the chowder place here is to die for!"

With that, Doctor Doofenshmirtz headed for the hotel entrance. He also had the only pair of keys to the rental car, which meant that if Vanessa was going to go anywhere, she would have to walk.

20 minutes later, Vanessa emerged from a local cafe. She was in a better mood now, thanks to the cup of cappuccino she had walked out with.

"If an out-of-the-way cafe like this can make one of these," she said aloud, "maybe this place isn't so bad after all."

She made her way down the street, taking small sips from her cup along the way, as she headed towards an outdoor market. She did not even care that her dad tricked into believing he was taking her to the Happiest Place on Earth, in doing so pulling her away from her friends. As well as preempting a date with her new boyfriend that she had originally planned for tonight.

She felt like the happiest person on the planet.

"She's 16!" the Norm app shouted from Vanessa's jacket pocket. "HANDS OFF, MISTER!"

Vanessa rolled her eyes.

"Way to ruin it, Norm... I mean, Dad."

She started to reach down with her right hand to pull out her new phone out, when, all of a sudden, she felt someone shove her violently aside. Vanessa quickly moved to retain her balance and keep her cappuccino from flying out of her left hand. She hopped on her left foot twice before finally setting down her right, regaining control of her body. And her caffeinated drink, which she gripped tightly and refused to let go of.

"Sorry!" came the heavily-labored voice of the girl who had bumped her.

Whoever it was, the person kept on going, only managing to apologize on instinct and without looking back.

"Sheesh," griped Vanessa. "Some people."

"I will cut you, boy!" exclaimed Norm, speaking up again.


She went to get her phone a second time. And again, she was shoved hard in the back. Twice! She had no chance to save herself this time, as Vanessa fell to the road, with her knees and elbows hitting first, followed by the rest of her body. Vanessa looked up just in time to see that two adult men had run into her. And, like the girl from a few seconds ago, they did not even glance back to see what they had hit.

Even worse, the two did not even so much as mutter an apology.

"Rude much?" growled Vanessa.

She then looked ahead of her a few feet, where her cup had landed. Her wonderful, well-priced cappuccino was spilling out of the styrofoam cup before her eyes.

"You guys owe me!" she shouted, shaking her fists at the two men.

Vanessa then picked the cup off of the ground and began scanning the area for a trash can. As her eyes wandered, a light bulb went off in the memory department of her brain.

"Wait a sec... that girl! I think I know her! And... SHE'S BEING CHASED!"

The girl in question was a 16-year old pig-tailed blonde, gasping for air as she tried to lose her pursuers in the heavy crowds - for this small town, anyway - of the market. Her ample chest heaved up and down underneath her pink short sleeve shirt with a crocodile's head emblem on it, while her long legs moved unimpeded by her knee-length orange skirt. If not for the fact that she was wearing her black boots with four-inch heels today, she would have lost them long ago. As it was, though, she was running just fast enough to keep her pursuers a good, consistent 400 feet or so behind her.

"Come back here!" one of the men shouted at her.

The path in front of her was clear, except for the large fruit car parked in the middle of the street.

"No time to go 'round!" she thought.

She leaped from her feet and dove, arms-first, in between the cart's blue-and-white striped canopy and the top of the highest pile of fruit. In the process, she snatched one apple from the cart with one hand and tossed three quarters and a dime at the vendor, who caught the coins in amazement. The girl balled herself up on the other side, safely executing a rolling landing. She rolled right back up on her two feet and kept on running. The men followed a few seconds later, after going the long way around either side of the cart.

"Yaaaaa!" squealed the young woman. "I can't die! I still have a year of high school to enjoy!"

She turned left, darting around a sharp corner and heading away from the market. She quickly believed the turn was fast enough that the two men chasing her did not see it.

Then, out of nowhere, a pair of arms reached out from an alley. One wrapped around her mouth, while the other just beneath her chest. The figure pulled her in without much trouble. A few seconds later, the two men came to that exact location, and stopped.

"Where'd she go?" one of them asked.

The other guy wanted to answer, but he was bent over, about to lose his lunch after running so hard.

"I told you to quit smoking! Just 'cause we're Cubans doesn't mean we have to pop a cigar every day to live!"

He shook his head as he helped his friend walk back the way they came. The narrow street was then silent for about 15 seconds, before the girl stumbled back out from the alley, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Gee, Doofy, when's the last time you washed your hands!"

"Now, now, Carly..."

Doofy, or, rather, Vanessa, stepped out from the alley with a smirk on her face.

" that any way to greet someone who just saved your life?"

Meanwhile, in Phineas and Ferb's backyard, in the suburbs of Danvilleā€¦

"I know what we're going to do today!"

Phineas began to explain his idea to Ferb, but none of it was audible. Or much less understandable, at least to Perry the Platypus, who was looking down at the yard from the boys' bedroom window. Once he was sure their eyes were turned away from him, Perry stood up on his hind legs and made his way to the boys' closet. A few seconds later, he located the hidden access tube to his lair, and jumped in.

One whole minute of tube sliding later, Perry landed in his chair, with Major Monogram already on-screen, ready to give a mission briefing. Perry's fedora landed on his head, signaling the start of the meeting.

"Good mid-morning, Agent P! Doofenshmirtz has decided to take his evil scheming on the road! We have intel that says that he and his daughter boarded a plane headed for Orlando a few hours ago!"

A picture of a mouse appeared in the right-hand corner of the screen.

"Agent M was supposed to keep a tail on him, but he lost them. Recent satellite photos have come in, though, suggesting that Doof has driven to some backwater burg in the southwestern part of Florida, near Gator Alley!"

A map replaced the photo, with the approximate location of Seagulch, Florida indicated by a star on a plain green map of the state.

"Doofenshmirtz in an alley with alligators spells nothing but trouble! Find out what he's up to, and put a stop to it!"

Agent P saluted the major and then headed for the exit.

Back at the cafe, Vanessa emerged once more. This time, she had bought a cup for Carly, as well as one to replace the one that she had lost. Carly was sitting at one of the three outdoor tables, looking at a video hologram scrapbook. It was cycling through pictures of the times the two girls had previously spent together. It eventually got to one in which they were posing in their spy uniforms: Carly in carnation pink and Vanessa in apricot.


Vanessa reached in and grabbed the handheld projection device, shutting it off in the process.

"You can't just go and show those off in public!"

She pocketed the device and then took a seat at the table. She handed Carly her cup before taking a sip from her own. They sat there silently for a few seconds, drinking their cappuccinos. Then...

"Okay, Carly, what are you doing here?"

"I live here, silly! Don't you remember, Doofy? I'm a Floridian girl!"

She pointed to the crocodile emblem on her shirt.

"I thought we went through this! Stop calling me Doofy!"

"I'm sorry, Vanessa! But you'll always be Doofy to me."

The brunette groaned. "Remind me to wear a nametag around you."

"So, what brings you here to the state of peaches?"

Ignoring the fact that Carly did not know her state's fruit was the orange, Vanessa decided to change the subject.

"Who were those guys chasing you? And why didn't you kick their butts? You're a..."

Carly nodded, not understanding that Vanessa was trying to coax her into saying the s-word.

"You know... a... a..."

The blonde was still dumbfounded. Vanessa just decided to blurt it out.

"A SPY!"

Carly reached over and covered Vanessa's mouth with her hand.

"That's supposed to be top secret! You trying to blow my cover? I could have you brought in to JAILBAIT!"

She pulled away, allowing Vanessa to speak... and cringe at that name.

"Still can't believe that's the name of a major secret agent organization. That I was once a part of AND I was supposed to forget, under penalty of perjury! Thanks a lot, Carly!"

"You're welcome!" she replied, cheerfully ignorant of Vanessa's sarcastic tone.

"Where's your outfit? And your gadgets? And the old dude watching your every move?"

"Yeah... 'bout that? I'm... I'm on suspense!"

"Suspense? You mean suspension?"

A tear fell from Carly's left eye. "Yes! That!"

"How? What happened?"

Carly's boss, James Stuart, reached over his desk to hand Carly a credit card.

"Each agent gets their own private corporate card. I must stress that this is to be used for business expenses ONLY!"

He looked up and saw that Carly was now wearing a minx coat, a purple top hat, and had a big diamond ring adorning her left index finger. All of which she did not have on her five seconds ago.

"I'm on suspense two weeks without pay AND on probation for three months! If I make one little mistake from here on out, James said I'll be fired on the spot!"

Vanessa scratched her head.

"I don't get it. Just because you're on suspension doesn't mean you can't ask for help from the agency!"

"Yeah... that's not the only thing. See, afterwards, I kinda took on a mission... and then screwed up..."

Earlier that day...

Carly was standing in a well-furnished office of a Cuban mob don. He was reclining back in his massage chair, with two men - the ones who would later be chasing Carly - on either side of him. Carly was in uniform despite her circumstances.

"So you're telling me to stop sugar smuggling, or else?"

"That's right!" Carly said. "Unless you want my heel up... up... that place!"

The don spun in his chair, doing a complete 360-degree turn. He then snapped his fingers, and someone ran into the room. It was a freckled-face orange-haired boy, who had glasses, braces, and suspenders. Carly cringed, appalled to having to witness the sight of someone wearing all three of those, regardless of his nationality.

"On one condition, missy. You take my boy Esteban here on a date. Tonight."

"Ugh, him?" she barked, pointing condescendingly at the boy. "Yeah, right!"

The don sighed. "That's a real darn shame."

He nodded at one man, and then the other. Each of them nodded back before pulling out handguns. Seeing this, Carly screamed...


...and bolted out of the room.

"Because I said no to going out with that loser," explained Carly, "the Cubans want me dead!"

Vanessa started laughing loudly.

"You, Carly, who's dated a month's worth of guys... turned a boy down? No way!"

"VANESSA, THIS IS SERIOUS!" Carly screamed, slamming her cup to the ground. "I don't want to die!"

"You just wasted a good cappuccino! You... you must be really scared!"

Carly nodded.

"And since you acted without authorization, you're afraid that if you go to James OR the authorities, you'll lose your job!"

Carly nodded again. Vanessa thought for a minute, and then made a decision.

"I know I'm going to regret this later... but I'll help you."

"YEAHHHHHHH!" Carly squealed.

She hopped out of her chair and went over to embrace Vanessa in a bear hug. The brunette frowned, but let her ex-partner do what she had to.

But little did Vanessa know that one of the two men that had been chasing Carly earlier was spying on them from atop a nearby rooftop.

"The boss is gonna wanna hear about this!"

With that, he departed to report his findings.

*** End Act One ***