Hi there. This is an attempt at writing something angsty. We will see how it goes. Let me know how you guys like it!
None of these characters belong to me, etc etc etc, I wish they were mine.
4 am, and she couldn't sleep for different reasons. She had spent the night trying to convince herself to not do what she had decided to do earlier that day. She had told herself this would be the last night she would spend with him. She decided to enjoy it; she knew that after tonight it would never be the same.
She turned onto her left side and watched him sleep as tears started clouding her sight. To tell herself that it wasn't fair was an understatement. She had already cursed God for what was happening to her. He definitely did not deserve what she was about to do to him, but she figured this was the best for him. He didn't need any more sadness in his life, and definitely no more guilt. She decided to get up and wait for him to do the same.
As she sat down and sipped her coffee, she went over what she would say to him, every time she rehearsed it in her mind, she realized just how unfair she was being to him by leaving him in the dark. She was so concentrated in her speech-rehearsing she didn't hear him get up, and only saw him when he was standing right next to her looking down at her with those handsome sleepy eyes and a confused expression.
"What's going on? Why is all your stuff packed and by the door?" He asked concerned. Though they did not live together, they might as well have. They would go weeks in each other's apartment, only to switch and spend time at the other's place for the next couple of weeks and so on.
"Mulder, sit down." She pleaded avoiding his eyes. He didn't, but instead crossed his arms in front of his chest, 'already on the defensive' she thought.
She took a heavy breath inward "I don't think this is working out, um, I think we should both go our different ways."
"And why is that? How did you all of the sudden come to this conclusion?" He asked with a smile on his face, making it harder for her.
He thinks I'm joking- she thought.
"I, um, what I thought was there, really, is not. I confused friendship for love, and although I do love you, I am not in love with you." She said, still not looking at him.
He laughed, "So you decided this when? Last night? When you made love to me? Or the night before when we did the same? Come on Scully, stop joking around." He said, a serious expression now occupying his face.
She kept her gaze on her coffee mug.
"I'm not joking. I brought your stuff; it's in a box by the door." She got up and walked past him, without giving him a second look, picked up the box filled with her things, and walked out the door. She prayed to God he wouldn't follow her out the door. He didn't.
She couldn't lie to herself and say she wasn't expecting this. It was 2 am, she had had no contact with him, and he had had no contact with her. He initially thought that Scully had just been in a mood, and that she would call him later to apologize, so he had given her her space. That had been 3 days ago and he hadn't heard from her, so he decided to go and talk to her, she was being ridiculous.
As she opened the door, she hoped that he would assume her blood shot eyes were caused by sleep and not lack of sleep and constant crying she'd been doing for the past 3 days.
"Scully." He looked at her with pleading eyes, "I've been waiting for you to call, to apologize, to tell me you didn't mean anything you said."
She hadn't moved, was not letting him in, and he was aware of this. She also daren't look at him, she knew she would break down, explain everything to him, ask for his support, ask him to love her for however long she had left, but she didn't. Instead, she fixed her sight on his shoes while she held on to the door for dear life. "I thought I was pretty clear." She made her best effort to mask her feelings and look at him, go for the jugular, "I don't love you, I don't think I ever did. I think I needed someone there, something to hold on to, but I know better now. You've only held me back in my career, probably in my personal life as well, I need to move on and make something out of my life." She said, with no emotion evident in her face. She saw his heart break right in front of her eyes as he realized that she was serious.
"Ok…ok" he was at a loss for words, he slumped his shoulders, looked at her in search of something, then looked down as he turned and walked away.
It took all her willpower to not run after him, take him in her arms and tell him she was sorry, she didn't mean it; she was just a little crazy right now. But she knew that all of her previous efforts would be lost. This was needed, she assured herself. She slowly shut the door; tears had already found their way down her cheeks. As she locked the door, she turned, and to her own surprise, picked up the lamp and threw it across the room at the wall, breaking it, and a picture that hung on the wall, in the process.
2 years 7 months later.
She never thought she'd be standing where she was. She didn't think she would live to see today. After learning of her remission, she promised she wouldn't do this to him; she wouldn't barge right into his life as fast as she had left it. She wanted to know that he was ok; she wanted to know about him. If she was honest with herself, she never stopped loving him, she longed for him every night she laid in her hospital bed, being pricked and stabbed with chemicals that weakened her body in order to make it stronger. Now, two and a half years later, she longed for him. She tried to go on without him, tried to live her life not knowing, but she just couldn't. This only made her realize the pain she probably caused him. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Her hands were sweating. She missed his beautiful face, and his voice.
"….just pick a movie and we'll…" he said to someone as he opened the door. His eyes went wild. She could tell that this was a total surprise to him. She had basically dropped off the face of the earth; he never expected to see her again. "What?" he first said confused, his confusion soon changed to anger, "what do you want?" He asked coldly. She heard whoever was inside with him, moving around inside, clearly making their way to the door.
"Fox, honey, everything ok?" A woman's voice asked. As she came into Scully's view, she realized she was Mulder's neighbor. She'd waved at her a few times in the past when she and Mulder had been together, but they never really shared a word.
'Great' Scully thought. "I…uh…I think this is a bad time, and uh….this was a bad idea. I should have called." She said as she turned on her heel. She couldn't deny that she expected this. This is what she had wanted for him; this is why she did things the way she did them. But the fact that her plans worked out perfectly didn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell. She came, and she saw him. That is all she really came here to do. All she wanted was to see him one more time. She rode down the elevator feeling crushed, but content that he was able to move on.
As she pushed the unlock button to her car, she heard his voice, "Why now?" Not in an accusatory tone, she turned and saw him standing there and thanked God for deciding not to cry until she was in her car.
"So much has happened….in my life…and, I just...uhm. I just had to see you." She said, making eye contact with him.
"After almost 3 years? Really? You feel you can just come in and barge into my life like that, that you are welcomed to just come over whenever you want?" He was clearly still angry with her.
"I'm sorry. I know. I'll just go. You wont hear from me again, I promise" She said it and meant it. Who was she to come back and disturb his life? She got in her car and drove away. Finally letting her tears free. This hadn't gone at all how she planned. In her mind, she would have knocked, he would've opened the door, opened his arms to her, and the world would be able to spin again. But such is life.