So, the trip to the salon hadn't been nearly as soul crushingly horrible as he'd anticipated. He actually liked the kicky pixie cut Simone had salvaged from his self-inflicted, combat knife trim and getting his nails painted wasn't bad. He liked the color and the shellac shit made them harder than normal, which was cool and vaguely weapon like.
When they got back to the tower, Steve had herded the team down to the gym (Clint was fairly sure Cap had been a sheepdog in a previous life) to assess everyone's new physical abilities. He even managed to pry Bruce out of his lab, much to the scientist's amusement.
"I don't think letting the other guy out to 'assess' him would be wise," Bruce commented as he stood on one of the mats, barefoot and wearing a different set of yoga clothes. "That would end badly for everyone."
The Hulk tended to show up in a really bad mood. He had begun to chill out a bit after some violence, but, rescuing the occasional kid or puppy (Hulk had a soft spot for small children and animals, go figure), he still wasn't going to win any personality awards.
"Even if it doesn't have combat application, it's still good for us to get an idea of the strengths and limits we have in these bodies," Steve said patiently, having obviously expected this argument. "I mean, I was flexible before, but with less bulky muscle I can put both my legs behind my head instead of just the one. I didn't know that until Natasha had me try it this morning."
Every wizard brain in the room immediately came to a screeching halt at the imagery Steve had just presented them with (except Natasha, who was smirking knowingly). It took a moment for the more involved primate brains to kick in and snap them out of…whatever hot girl/guy had place they had retreated to.
"Okay," Tony said, rallying (though, from his expression, Clint was sure he was going to revisit the idea of Steve's previously unknown flexibility later) as he turned Clint. "C'mon Artemis, let's check your wingspan."
Tony took some measurements, then tested how much resistance Clint's muscles could work with when drawing an arrow to fire. Once finished, Clint made his way over to where Steve, Thor and Natasha were tossing each other around while Tony joined Bruce over at the treadmills.
Deciding his best bet was to just jump right into the action, Clint took a running start and leapt onto Thor's back, scrambling up the demigod like a spider monkey. Thor reacted by laughing and plucking him off his shoulder to throw at Natasha, who ducked neatly.
When he popped back onto his feet, Natasha had already managed to make Steve ducked to the ground in order to avoid a vicious roundhouse kick. From his position on the floor, Steve uses own long legs to trip Thor, who, realizing he was going to fall, angled himself to take Natasha down as well.
The end result was a puppy pile of heroes.
"Well, that's dignified," Tony chuckled from where he was…taking apart one of the treadmills.
Of course he was.
"Tony, what are you doing?"
Raising a brow, Tony replied, "Making it more efficient."
Across the room, Cap rolled easily to his feet and planted his hands on his hips to regard Tony. Given that Steve ran around the field in an outfit that made spandex look baggy, he clearly hadn't thought anything about how distracting tight, stretchy exercise gear would look on his new body. "Tony, knowing what you can do out of the suit is important."
Tony leveled an exasperated gaze at Steve. "I weigh 95 pounds, am too short to ride on some roller coasters and I'm not a superspy, so I think that sums up how effective I'll be sans suit."
For a moment, it looked like Steve is going to try to argue, but thought better of it. Clint figured it was probably pointless to try to dissuade Tony, as he was kind of epically tiny now. Like, even smaller than Jane, who was a tiny little waif of a woman.
Any discussion was interrupted by Darcy, who announced, "We've got guests."
Coulson entered more sedately, with said guests. "Dr. Storm thought she'd offer her assistance, as Dr. Richards is occupied…Mr. Storm is here…."
"Because he ate an entire box of Lucky Charms and I wasn't about to leave him home alone on a sugar high. He'd chew the furniture," Sue said sarcastically, rolling her eyes when her brother stuck his tongue out at her. "He's just here to be a pest."
"You wound me, Sis," Johnny said, bouncing into the room with the sort of contained energy that suggested he probably had recently eaten a shit load of sugar. "Well, wow!"
Like Darcy, Clint was kind of wondering if Johnny would go all creeper and hit on Steve, so he watched as the young man approached Cap.
"Huh," Johnny eventually said, tilting his head to the side. "Well, as I expected, you're a total babe, Cap, but really, how could you not be? But somehow…No. This is surprising. I mean, even I thought I'd go all Narcissus and be all over you. Not feeling it. Weird."
There was silence and Tony quipped, "Bravo on the mythology reference,Storm."
Johnny snorted. "Hey, I read…and you're a total MILF, Stark."
Tony scowled and waved a pair of pliers menacingly. "Come over here and say that."
"Kinky…Ow! Sue! Why are you hitting me?"
She'd slapped him upside the head with this sort of practiced, easy aim that suggested she did it often. "Because sometimes that's the only appropriate response to you," she said lightly. "Stop sexually harassing people and go play with Clint. You two usually get along."
Clint rolled his eyes as Johnny loped over to him, looking him up and down with a wide grin. Holding up a finger, Clint said, "I might not have a bow at the moment, but I will use a gun if you piss me off."
"Oh!" Tony shouted gleefully, sticking a hand down his shirt and rooting around. That was…different. "Hit him with this!"
Tony tossed a beige object to Clint, who snagged it easily. It took a second for him to figure out he was holding some silicone boob pad. It was nicely squishy and warm. Grinning, he waved the thing in the air and said, "Really? This is Johnny we're talking about! He'd probably enjoy being slapped around with fake tits."
Johnny nodded, completely unphased. "Probably, yeah."
"Hey!" Darcy yelped, pointing a finger at Tony. "Our bet doesn't count if you encourage him to slap someone with them!"
"The terms were never specified!"
Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why does none of this surprise me?"