Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the world of Doctor Who. Fact.

Author's Note: So this does pretty much what it says in the description. River and the Doctor are both asked "what is marriage?" and this is the result. I imagine this being in a monologue-to-the-camera Modern Family stylee. I don't know exactly who's doing the asking- maybe Torchwood have finally gotten around to writing that biography of the Doctor, who knows. Anyway. Enjoy…

"What's marriage? Well it's…It's laughing at the joke about Churchill and the Silence walking into a bar even though you've heard it at least seven times and it wasn't funny in the first place. It's letting him fly the TARDIS even though you know you'd be able to do it more quickly and efficiently. It's knowing he'll always come when you call. It's pretending to like the CD he brought you for your birthday because he looks so pleased with himself. It's knowing that he's the most amazing, wonderful, clever man in existence but sometimes he needs a slap in the face and you're the one who has to do it. It's staying awake at 3am when all you want to do is sleep to listen to his new idea for the TARDIS control room that simply cannot wait until morning. It's not shouting at him when he's lost the TARDIS key for the twenty-sixth time that morning. It's knowing he won't leave you because you do shout at him when he loses the TARDIS key for the twenty-seventh time that morning and you're very late for your hairdressers appointment. It's not calling him out when he's showing off in front of his friends… well, not much anyway. It's being there to pick up the pieces. It's rolling your eyes because he's the most over-grown nine-year-old in the cosmos but you wouldn't have it any other way. It's letting him play with your hair when he's tired. It's knowing that he will always come up with an idea that will save the day with one minute to spare and that you're the one who has to convince him that the idea he has with three minutes to go is not plausible. It's straightening his bowtie. It's being the only one who he lets that wall down for. It's jumping and knowing that he will catch you- every single time. It's hiding the pain you know he can't deal with. It's being there to fight by his side and being there on the days when there's nothing to do but drink endless cups of tea and argue about which one of the Beatles was the most talented. It's knowing that no matter what happens in your life it's better with him beside you. It's simple really."

"Well marriage is a very complicated and complex issue that is widely debated throughout the universe. It involves two consenting beings who… oh… my marriage? You want to know about my marriage? Oh very well then. It's… urm… Well I suppose it's coming whenever she calls. Making sure that I never miss a night with her. It's knowing the difference between when she's calling me because she's in immediate danger and because she's a bit bored and going either way. It's being able to smile across at her and know, without saying a word, that she knows exactly what you're thinking. It's having someone who you don't have to hide who you really are from. Someone who can handle the good and the bad in you- the light and the dark. It's not having to be alone any more. It's going to get her a glass of wine even though she could walk to get it just as well as you could. It's visiting the same restaurant every anniversary even though you have the whole cosmos to explore because it serves her favourite dish. It's having someone who leads the way so you can follow, someone who isn't afraid to tell you when you're out of line. It's holding her in the night when she's crying out about the spaceman coming to get her but never mentioning it in the morning. It's having someone who's mind is as beautiful as their face. It's not being afraid to be with someone any more. It's knowing when she just wants to sit in silence. It's missing her every day she's not there. It's missing her every day she is there, too, because you know that one day she won't be. I suppose you know it's the kind of love you build a marriage on because it's the kind of love that tears you apart. It's… It's complicated really."

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