Aaaaand here's chapter two! I probably won't get the entire fic finished before Halloween (scratch that, I know I won't!) but hopefully interest won't fade just because this is themed!crack.
I really want to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter! I really appreciate it. You guys are the best! As a reward, here's more crack!
Sakura x Harem
After the cemetery incident, a tense silence had settled between the silver apparition and the petite medic nin. Kakashi wisely kept his nose buried in his Icha Icha Paradise, letting his former student fume quietly as she tottered ahead of him in six inch heels.
The medic nin muttered angrily under her breath, one hand on the crumbling wall of a dilapidated building, the other gripping the hem of her white medic dress, forcibly keeping it from riding any further up her thighs.
Kakashi finally glanced up, his dark eye inexorably drawn to the hypnotic sway of the pink-haired woman's hips. He cleared his throat, smiling placatingly at his companion when she threw a glare his way.
"Left," he drawled, lowering his smut novel.
"What?" Sakura hissed, her knees wobbling as she tried to maintain balance in the ridiculous white heels.
"Turn left at the next corner," Kakashi consulted the pamphlet, "that's where the bingo book says our next S-class is lurking."
"Oh. Alright," Sakura sighed, pushing away from the wall and crossing the street.
"Wait," she paused, glancing at the copy nin, "I thought that was Icha Icha Paradise: Spooky Edition."
Kakashi glanced down at the book in his hands.
Sakura's brow furrowed. "But you just said that it was a bingo book."
Kakashi nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's that, too."
The medic nin gave him an exasperated look. "Well obviously it can't be both!" She said, rolling her eyes as she stepped up onto the curb. Kakashi floated beside her, the corner of his uncovered eye crinkling, a sign that he was smiling behind his mask. "The book is a plot device, Sakura. It's whatever the plot needs it to be."
The pink-haired girl blinked, her green eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Wait, I... What? What are you talking about?"
"It's best not to ask questions," the ghostly ninja said sagely, "also, try not to think about it. You'll just give yourself a headache."
Sakura tilted her head curiously to the side, about to probe further when loud howling disrupted her thoughts. Startled, she jumped a bit, tottering dangerously in her heels.
"What the hell was that?!"
"Plot device," Kakashi muttered, tucking the booklet into his pocket.
"What?" Sakura asked distractedly, glancing down a dark alley.
The howling started again, loud and eerie, and this time it was followed by a chill wind that tossed dead leaves around the pink-haired woman's feet. The copy-nin apparition floated closer to his former pupil, squinting as he followed her gaze down the alley. A dark, manic laugh rolled toward them, and Sakura's green eyes narrowed as she reflexively reached for the kunai she normally stored on her hip only to curse as her fingers brushed uselessly against the tight material of her nurse outfit.
"Dammit," She gave the specter a hostile glance, "I would feel a lot more comfortable about this mission if I had some weapons."
"You have the totem," Kakashi pointed out helpfully.
The medic nin rolled her eyes, "Ugh, don't remind me."
"Well, well. What the fuck do we have here?"
Sakura and Kakashi looked up at the sound of a maliciously deep voice. A figure appeared in the alley, slowly approaching the twosome. Purple eyes gleamed with a predator's sheen, and Sakura tried her best to crouch into a defensive stance, though the tight dress severely limited her maneuverability. Bone white teeth flashed in the alley's shadow, a Cheshire grin that made the young woman's skin crawl.
A few tense moments later, the figure stepped into the moonlit street, straitening as he smirked at the ghostly apparition and the scantily clad medic nin. He started at the sight of Sakura, his gaze trailing slowly upward from her hooker heels, over her creamy thighs, curved hips, and round bust, to her red lips. A pale eyebrow cocked upwards as the man let out a long wolf whistle.
"Hellllllooooo nurse!" He smirked, eying her appreciatively.
Sakura took a moment to take in his appearance as well. The man was tall and well muscled, clad only in a low slung pair of black ninja regulation sweats. His upper body was bare, except for a strange pendant he wore around his neck. One hand held a wicked looking scythe, which he rested on his shoulder. His snow-white hair was slicked back, and atop his head sat a pair of fluffy white ears. Sakura's eyes softened at the sight of them.
"Awww," She cooed, smiling when the ears swiveled toward her, "how cute!"
Hidan blinked, pointing to himself with the hand that wasn't clutching his huge scythe. His long fingers were tipped with sharp looking claws.
"Did she just call me fuckin' cute?" He asked incredulously. Sakura continued to stare at his ears, her viridian eyes gleaming. Hidan shot Kakashi a dubious look, but the ghostly nin simply shrugged one shoulder carelessly, once again reaching for his copy of Icha Icha Spooky Edition.
"I'm not cute," Hidan groused, a scowl on his handsome face. "I'm fucking intimidating." When Sakura continued to stare dreamily at his ears, he swung his weapon from his shoulder, the curved blade pointed at Sakura as he growled, "Cut that shit out, seriously!"
Snapping out of her dazed stare, Sakura blinked rapidly, giving the white-haired S class an apologetic smile.
Hidan glared at her for a moment, then slowly brought his weapon back to its' resting position on his shoulder.
"Tch, damn right you are, bitch. Seriously."
Apparently ignoring him, Sakura turned to Kakashi.
"Why does he have a scythe?" She whispered.
Hidan gripped his weapon protectively. "Because this fic is Halloween themed, and my scythe is fuckin' scary."
"I don't know," Kakashi whispered back to the young woman, "he's obviously supposed to be a wolfman. Carrying a scythe doesn't really make sense."
Hidan glared at the twosome, "I can hear you, fuckers!"
"And why does he get a weapon?" Sakura continued, her eyes narrowing. "That's not fair! I don't get one puny kunai, but he gets a huge scythe? Come on!"
"You get the totem," Kakashi reminded her.
"What?!" Sakura turned to him, her hands on her hips. "That thing is useless! I want a real weapon!"
"You defeated the last S-class ninja with the totem."
The pink-haired nin groaned. "It was a glorified glitter bomb. I want something that can do some real damage!"
"Hey!" Hidan piped up impatiently, his white wolf tail swishing with indignation, "did you two forget I was here?! Seriously! That's $#& 'n rude!"
Sakura and the silvery specter glanced up at Hidan. He glared back at them.
"Er... What did you just say?" Sakura asked hesitantly.
"I said," Hidan began through clenched teeth, "that you're &*$#'n rude!"
The three nin stared at each other. Hidan's already pale face blanched even further.
"What the &*#$?" The white-haired wolfman tried, choking as he tried to spit the expletive out.
"&%$*," He tried again, his words garbled. "*&^*. &^%$! & $#!" Hidan began to panic, running in circles.
"Ah! What the *& # is happening?!" he cried, waving his scythe dangerously. Sakura and Kakashi watched him, twin sweatdrops forming at the back of each of their heads.
"*& #!" Hidan wheezed, " #*%! &^%$!" The wolfman turned on the companions, wild-eyed. "What the &*#$ is going on here, seriously?!"
"Uh..." Kakashi and Sakura glanced at each other, then back to Hidan, the ghostly copy nin coughing politely into his hand before continuing. "This fic is rated 'T'." The white-haired man glared at him.
"So... the author isn't allowing you to curse anymore, because then she'd have to raise the rating."
"What?!" Hidan seethed, "She can't do that! Cursing is part of who I am! Hasn't she heard of &* #'n characterization?!" He looked up at the moon, shaking his fist at the starry night sky. "You hack! Gimme back my &* #'n dirty mouth, seriously!"
"Hey, maybe his inability to curse is a plot device?" Sakura volunteered. Kakashi smiled fondly at her.
"That was a good try, but this is actually more like contrived situation than a plot device."
"Oh," Sakura sighed glumly. "I thought I was getting the hang of this."
"Aww, you'll get it next time!" Kakashi grinned and tried to pat her on the head – he failed though, because he was a ghost.
"This is goddamn ridiculous!" Hidan whined, turning back to the other two ninjas. "I can't use my favorite word!"
Kakashi shrugged non-committedly, but Sakura's gaze softened at the sight of the wolfman's distress.
"Sorry," She said softly, smiling comfortingly as the pouting, pale-haired man glanced back toward her. He considered her a moment, the Cheshire grin creeping back onto his face.
"Well at least I can still do this," he lunged at her, taking the kunoichi by surprise. Sakura shrieked as the S-class grabbed her hips, hauling her against his chest and leaping up onto the roof of a nearby building. He smirked as she struggled against him, his sharp teeth gleaming in the moonlight as he looked down at his prey.
"Finally," He growled throatily, "a little privacy. I've been wanting to get you alone the moment I saw you, seriously."
Sakura shoved against his chest, her cheeks flushing at his words. If only she had her kunai, she'd show this jerk the consequences for laying his hands on her. She glanced surreptitiously up at Hidan through her lashes, wondering if she should go for her totem.
He smirked at her, canines flashing in the moonlight. Sakura swallowed nervously.
"Oh... My... What big teeth you have."
Hidan grinned, leaning in closer, breathing throatily into her ear, "All the better to eat you with." He nuzzled her neck and Sakura was suddenly glad that he was holding her up, because her knees now felt very weak. The feeling of claws at her neck quickly brought her back to her senses however, and she glared at the wolf-man.
"Wait, what do you think you're – Ahhh!" A loud tearing sound was heard and Sakura felt her dress rip away, white fabric fluttering in the chill breeze. She reached up to cover herself, her green eyes flashing indignantly.
"What the hell?!" She hissed, glaring at Hidan. He stared incredulously back, his handsome face darkening in frustration.
"What the hell is right, seriously! You were wearing another dress?!"
"What?" Sakura paused, glancing down at herself, surprised to find that she was still wrapped in the tight nurse's outfit. She blinked. "Oh. I... guess so?" Hidan snorted, grabbing her collar again. Sakura's eyes went wide, "No, wait –!" Again, she felt the fabric rip away.
"What is wrong with you?!" She yelped, trying to cover herself.
"Me?!" Hidan growled, "What the hell is wrong with your 'n dress?! It won't come off!" Both she and Hidan looked down, staring in befuddlement at the fabric stuck in Hidan's claws, and the pristine, unmarred dress that still clung to Sakura's every curve.
"That's... definitely odd," Sakura finally admitted.
Kakashi, who had floated lazily after the pair, peeked over the edge of the roof and spoke up.
"This fic is rated 'T', remember?"
Hidan turned to look at the ghostly copy nin, Sakura falling against him as she tried to follow his movements in her six inch heels.
"You mean," Hidan began, his voice strangled, "that she and I can't..."
"Yep." Kakashi replied, flipping the page of his Icha Icha Spooky edition.
"Are you kidding me?" Hidan howled, "I can't &*$#%'n curse, and I can only get to first base with this bitch? What's the *&$#'n point then, seriously!"
Sakura's eyes flashed and her knee came swiftly up between the wolfman's legs. Hidan went down with a whimper, collapsing on the rooftop. Kakashi winced, his eyes watering sympathetically as the downed S-class curled up in a fetal position.
"Ouch. I'd call that a solid defeat," he drawled, floating up beside Sakura.
The pink-haired medic nin straightened her dress, her emerald eyes hard as glass as she reached up make sure her hair was still in place.
"And I didn't even need that stupid totem," She said primly, pushing at Hidan's shoulder with the toe of her shoe. The downed S-class rolled onto his back, his purple eyes still slightly dazed.
"Damn," he said wistfully, focusing on Sakura's face, "you're one feisty bitch. I like that."
She cocked a slender eyebrow at him. "You'd better believe it. Now then, you know part of a certain seal. I need you to show it to me."
"Alright, alright..." Hidan slowly got to his feet, eying Sakura up and down once more, groaning. "Damn," he said again, "make sure you come and find me after the epilogue, we'll have some real fun then, seriously!" He grinned wolfishly. Sakura gave the S-class a considering look, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips.
"Can I touch your ears?"
Hidan chuckled, smirking as his gaze drifted down to the petite kunoichi's pert breasts. "You can touch me anywhere you *& #'n want, as long as I get to to do the same!"
Kakashi's eyes narrowed at the exchange and he floated protectively in front of his former pupil.
"Yo. The only place Sakura's going when the story is over is back to Konoha." He paused, staring challengingly at the wolf-man. "With me."
Hidan blinked at him. "What, like together? Seriously?"
"Yup," Kakashi grinned smugly.
"Woah, that's not necessarily true," Sakura interjected. "There are no official couples in this story."
It was Hidan's turn to look smug while the copy-nin shot Sakura a wounded look.
"Oh, come on now, Sakura. I mean, technically, we are going home together."
The kunoichi gave her ghostly companion a dubious look. "Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean together together."
Kakashi grinned, "Maybe, but it also doesn't necessarily mean we won't be together together."
Sakura gave the copy-nin an appraising look, her lips pursed.
"I don't see how it would work," Sakura said finally, her hands on her hips. "You're a ghost."
The specter pouted, "Only for now!"
"Oi," Hidan stepped between the two, his purple eyes narrowed. "I want the hell out of this kiddie fic, okay? So lemme show you the seal already." The pale-haired man turned and sneered at Kakashi, "And don't go getting any ideas, you wispy &*^%, Sakura and I have plans after this fic is over!"
Kakashi glared as Sakura and the wolfman went to the corner of the rooftop, Sakura watching intently as Hidan showed her the second part of the seal. Afterward, the grumpy S-class gave Sakura one last lingering, lascivious stare before shaking his head, picking up his discarded scythe and stomping off into the distance.
"Thank you!" Sakura called cheerfully, waving after him.
"Tch, what the &%$# ever," Hidan groused, glaring balefully as he stormed away. "Don't come lookin' for me again until this fic's rating goes up!"
Before anyone asks, this fic will remain 'T'! If you want the next chapter, leave me a review! I only plan on continuing this if there's enough interest.