Men of Green and Purple Knickers
Title by: AlbusPercivalWulfricDumbledo re
Story by MiaCara
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the title. Just taking JK's awesome characters out for a ride. I promise to return them none the worse for wear.
Summary: The Twins along with Lee Jordan join the fifth year boys in The Great Knicker Caper. "Well men, did you get the booty?" & "I think I need to Scourgify my eyes." My submission for the Twin Exchange Title Swap October Challenge.
"You have lost your bloody mind, if you think I am going to do that!" Ron paled. While Harry sat there looking utterly horrified.
"Come on Weasley, you agreed to the rules of the game, now you do it or face the consequences," Seamus challenged.
"I agree with, Ron. That is just too risky," Neville said standing up, " McGonagall won't be able to keep Umbridge and Filtch from stringing us up if we get caught."
Dean stood up too, "If you three are scared, Seamus and I can go ask the girls if they wanna go."
There was a sharp knock on the fifth year dorm room and all five heads swung toward it like they were expecting the girls, Ginny and Hermione, to waltz right in.
"Come in," Harry said in a slightly higher pitch than normal.
"We could smell…" George bounded into the room.
"The fear coming out of this room…" Fred was quick to follow.
"All the way down in the common room," George sprawled out on his younger brother's bed
"Whacha up to, Ickle Ronnikins?" Fred drawled out while plopping down on Harry's bed.
"Na-n-n-nothing," Ron blanched further.
"Oh for Merlin's sake, we could use their help, they know Hogwarts better than anyone," Seamus said.
"Brother mine, I think our minions are up to something," the exchanged a proud look.
"Ickle Ronniekins, what's the plan?" George nudged him with his knee.
"They want to go after Umbridge's knickers, fly them through the castle and hang them from the Quidditch rings."
"YES!" "BRILLIANT!" The twins yelled, "We're in!"
"I've got a really bad feeling about this," Harry said under his breath.
The boys spent the next hours until supper planning what the Twins and the newly recruited Lee Jordan were calling the greatest caper of all times.
Umbridge met with Minister Fudge every Sunday night at the ministry, leaving her henchmen, the Inquisitorial Squad in charge. This left them only 24 hours to get everything in place.
Harry, Ron and Twins were going to distract the Inquisitorial Squad clearing the way for the Seamus and Dean to nick the knickers. Neville and Lee were going to stand guard and warn the others if anyone was going to interrupt them. Everyone would then meet in the room of requirements to celebrate. Monday morning, the Twins were going to "borrow" a Slytheryn's wand and send the knickers flying through the school to perch on the Quidditch rings for the entire school to see. The troupe decided they needed a name so they settled on calling the mission the Great Knicker Caper.
As usual, Dolores Umbridge flooed to the ministry to meet with Cornelius Fudge immediately after supper. The troupe met up in the Room of Requirement to go over any last details and locate each member of the Inquisitorial Squad. Once their locations were verified, Harry, Ron and the Twins split up to distract Umbridge's henchmen as far away from her office living quarters as possible. They had to be very careful to only appear to be doing something suspicious, so that they didn't really get in any trouble but could easily gain the attention of the Squad.
With Neville and Lee on guard and in place, Seamus and Dean braved the general pinkness and kitty cat plates of her office. Worried that she may have set wards on the door between her office and living quarters the boys did a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to see who would touch the door first. Dean lost. He slid his hand inside his robes and gently grasp the door handle so not to leave any DNA, finger print or magical signature as evidence, then peered into the room. He felt no tingles that usually came when walking through a warded area. Just as he turned his head to tell Seamus that it appeared safe, Seamus hip checked him into the room, leaving him sprawled out on her floor.
Seamus laughed heartily, "No wards set tonight."
Dean replied with a scowl, "Glad to know you are willing to risk my arse to test that theory."
"You're a good mate to take one for the team," Seamus said smiling.
Dean managed to get up and made a very inappropriate finger gesture at his best friend. The boys walked over to her drawers and opened the top one. It was over flowing with black, purple and green lace and satin. Seamus picked one item up with his finger and gasped at the pure lack of material. The boys looked at each other in horror.
"Grab a pair or two and let's go," Dean whispered.
The two scrambled out of her office, making sure not to touch any surface with their skin and to not use any magic. Once clear of the door, the two guards followed suit up to the room of requirements. Ten minutes later, Harry, Ron and the Twins came in guffawing about the stunts they had pulled and Pansy Parkinson's rage at not having anything to charge them with.
One look at Dean and Seamus, had them worried the Great Knicker Caper had been a bust.
"Well, men, did you get the booty," George asked?
Fred followed with, "Don't worry boys, not everyone succeeds in their first caper."
Dean pulled the knickers from his pocket and held them out with the tip of a stick, Seamus did the same. Lee let out a low whistle. Ron gagged and the Twins shook their heads.
"I have seen my fair share of girls knickers before, but only in my wildest dreams have I imagined this," Lee said, a look of pure disgust mixed with absolute awe on his face.
Fred agreed, "Merlin's pants they're so, so dainty."
Neville snorted, "I don't know if you can call something so big, dainty."
"I think I need to Scourgify my eyes," Dean said with the heels of his hands pressed against his closed mind, "And my brain."
"Bloody hell, the toad wears g-strings?" Ron croaked.
"Well, we always wondered what house she was in, but since they are all green and purple, I am betting she was a Slytherin," Neville said.
"You know, I've always imagined that I would want to see a witch in a pair of these but now I think the image has been ruined," Harry said sadly. "The image of facing her in them is far scarier than facing Voldemort."
"Please stop saying his name!" Ron whined.
"He's right though," Fred whispered.
"Yea, like a proper train wreck," George continued.
"Don't want to look,"
"But can't turn away," both twins shuddered.
"I don't think I can support flying them through the castle," Lee said through a curled lip.
"I don't think anyone could see them if we flew them from the Quidditch rings," Ron agreed.
"I think we should burn them and never speak of this again," Neville said into his hands.
Pulling out a bottle of Ogden's Finest, Fred declared, "I need a drink, anyone else?"
After several shots a piece the men determined the best call of action would be to gift one pair of the unmentionables to Snape and one to Filch in prettily wrapped boxes with love from one Deloris Umbridge. The cards inside to the boxes suggested that she could not wait to wear them for her favorite member of staff.
The boxes were delivered at breakfast Monday morning, during the announcements so that everyone's attention was directed to the front table. The Twins had actually managed to nic Umbridge's own wand to magic the knickers into the box and to set the time for the boxes to be "delivered". Ginny and Hermione, cut their eyes suspiciously at the eight boys sitting around them howling along with the rest of the student body.
"I don't know what they did or how they carried it off, but she is going to kill them," Ginny whispered to her best friend.
"Me neither, but I agree this time they may have gone to far," Hermione whispered back, "but I think from this moment on they will forever be The Men of Green and Purple Knickers to me."
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