There was a scandal in Pawnee's City Government. And no- it had nothing to do with Ben Wyatt's obvious unrequited crush on the cities deputy director of Parks and Recreation. He wished. It had nothing to do with Andy and April. Tom wasn't a character. Ben didn't know what surprised him more- that the scandal was not associated with anyone in the Parks and Recreation department, or that it also had nothing to do with sewage.
"But all I'm saying is that in….. that situation it's typically two girls and a boy. Because girls can do that stuff and be not 'into it'. You know? Don't you think it's strange? I mean what men would do that?" An Asian girl that Ben knew to be from Human Resources was saying to her redheaded friend as they passed him sitting on a bench.
"Patti, gender roles have changed. I've been to Roy's house late at night. And let me tell you. He was a little too interested in my upstairs trampolines. Let's just say I have my doubts that he is a butt guy as well. I don't think it's fair to assume that because there were.." her friend's voice trailed off as they rounded the corner away from him. Ben shifted his legs, uncomfortably crossing and then uncrossing them. Ever since a sex tape had surfaced with two men from Public Works and the towns most notorious adult film star Brandi- Ben had heard nothing but the drama of it all. Everywhere he went there was speculation. Right now he was waiting for Chris. Chris, who was, currently in a meeting trying to resolve the situation. While Ben could have walked to their next meeting alone, he couldn't help but feel a sense of dread looming over him. There was nothing like two people getting fired to put a damper on the things Ben wanted to make happen with Leslie. And if they didn't get fired, then it might be a green light, or at least a yellow- proceed with caution. So Ben sat on the hard wooden bench- dooming the outcome as if he was the one who participated in a three way with another man and a porn star.
"Ben Wyatt! Ready to go to our meeting?" Chris asked as he came out of the room followed by a lot of serious looking men.
"Yes." Ben confirmed, standing up. Ben could feel his palms sweating and tried to casually wipe them on his pants. "So… how was the meeting?" Did he sound non chalant? Apparently Chris thought so because he didn't even blink.
"This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The board is still undecided. Oh! I forgot. I have some acai berry rice cakes for everyone at the Parks and Recreation meeting to thank them for helping us with the basketball game last week. They are literally the best thing in this world. Not the most slimming food, but I seem to find they give me extra energy when I run."
"All I'm saying is that when a man throws in another man, when he's trying to cover something up!' As they walked in the room they watched Tom following Leslie around yelling his theories about gay men, Leslie trying to get loose papers from around the office but being stopped multiple times by Tom, Jerry sitting at a desk unaware anything was going on around him, and staring confused at his computer screen, Donna sitting at her desk cutting fake eye lashes apart, April throwing paper balls at Tom while he rambled, and Ron was mysteriously missing.
"I don't know. I've convinced my fair share of men to do things they did not want to do until they met me. Anything is fair game in the bedroom." Donna supplied, right as Leslie put her hand in front of Tom's face and shoved him out of her bubble while she bent down to retrieve some paper from a drawer.
"Gross." April commented, throwing another paper ball at Tom.
"Ouchy you hurt my little face. My face hurts. I need my face Leslie to get all the pretty women." Leslie simply shrugged her shoulders and walked past him.
"Don't make her kiss you again." April warned.
"I told you not to continue to bring the sex tape up. I've had enough nightmares of wrinkly old men getting it on. I don't want to see it, even my imagination. I don't need that image going through my head when we should be focusing instead on making sure that our astronomy event goes well." Leslie smiled at Ben as soon as she saw him watching her from the doorway. Ben tilted his head to give her a welcoming smile. Was it just him or did the heat seem to rise in the room?
"You haven't seen it yet?" Tom screeched just as Donna was saying "I've already watched it twenty times."
Chris found it a good time to interrupt and they all sat around the table. Ben was sitting next to Leslie, and could feel some type of electricity between them. Maybe it was their eyes always connected during meetings. Maybe it was the way they leaned on each other when they laughed. Maybe it was the way her perfume always seemed to leave him speechless. He knew that if he shifted his leg slightly it would be against hers, if he moved his arm he could grab her hand, or he could touch her leg, or he could just grab her face and start kissing her. No not a good solution when all of their coworkers were surrounding them. This was the continuous problem Ben faced. Leslie turned him into a horny fourteen year old boy. When Chris left the room, and the crowd dispersed it was just them sitting at the table. He was trying to read the way she was writing on a piece of paper. She had her chin tucked down towards him, and a coy smile on her lips. She bit her lower lip and then slowly looked up at him. Both of their smiles got larger at the open eye contact.
"Oh my Atlanta." Donna squealed and both Leslie and Ben jumped apart as fast as possible.
"Isn't it awesome?" Tom yelled from his and Leslies office. Ben and Leslie, when discovering that it wasn't their coy glances being analyzed, looked at each other in confusion. But just when they were about to ask Ann came storming in.
"How is it appropriate for people to start a message board about who they would most like to see in a three way? And why, Tom Haverford, have you sent me a link of someone, I'd assume you, saying "I'd like to see little mister Tommy Fresh mc swagger get it on with Ann Perkins (who clearly wants him) and some other hot chick who doesn't work in government."
"BABY baby, Bae bee. I can't help what the people want to see, They look at us two lovely individuals, and just feel the need to see us procreate. I can't help that we are both just so fiiiiiinnnee. Maybe they have a good idea. What do you say? My house? Eight?"
Ben cursed the website. Suddenly sex was an open subject of topic in any situation. And Ben didn't need MORE conversations about sex when his brain was already creating enough. Ben had been thinking about sex since the first time he saw Leslie. He attributed it to her natural beauty, the fire in how she stood up to him, and him having not had sex for two years. But, the thought just kept coming up. His most common excuse was- everyone is in some way attracted to Leslie. Tom had kissed her, Jerry painted her naked, Andy and April talked about wanting to do her, Ron would do anything for her, Ann and her had weird vibes every time they had alcohol in their systems. What he felt was normal, if not justified. But every time someone talked or hinted about her, it made him want to spontaneously combust in a cloud of jealousy and frustration. How many nights had he spent jerking off to just the thought of her? Now it was three times a day(even during work) due to that damn painting. And now this website was going to be the death of him. What started out as a website, most likely started by sewage, on the debates of who would most likely get caught in a three way, who would you most like to see in a three way, and who would you like to be in a three way with, it progressed to more than that. Soon the old ladies up in Permits started writing stories, fantasies if you will. Then the board was covered in stories about people in government having three ways. All you had to do was click a persons name in government and it would show all the stories written about them. And everyone had been looking and reading. It was obvious that a majority of the stories had the author featured in them. There were a lot of stories about the women over forty. But the other two thrown in were always a surprise. The most common people written about were Chris, and some dude named Mark Brendanawicz. Ben had been over the books, and was pretty sure that there wasn't even a person in government with that name. But surprisingly there were some stories about almost everyone. There was an odd amount of people that wanted to have a three way with Andy and April. There were even stories about Tom. Granted- Tom wrote them himself if the very common use of abbreviations was any indicator. The one name Ben couldn't let himself press was the name that danced under his eyelids at night. He knew if he opened that folder there was only going to be a world of hurt. Either he would kill whoever she was in the story with, or he would have to up his count to seven times a day. And to be honest he wasn't sure if his penis could take that.
"I watched more Doctor who last night. I think I'm finally starting to understand it. I still think you are a nerd for the record" Leslie said when Ben was handing her back a binder in her office.
"Recorded. What made you give it another chance or change your mind? "Ben asked, putting his hands in his pockets and walking closer to her
"I don't know…You liked it, and I trusted you." She said casually as if it hadn't occurred to her. But the air felt heavy from her honest confession. So she quickly added "I also think I like Rose. I feel like I relate to her."
"I can see that. You know, I had a huge crush on her for the entire show. Most people say they love another girl that comes later, but I always adored Rose."
"I thought you only go for brunettes." She said jokingly and he sat on the corner of her desk facing her.
"I don't know, there is something about a bold blonde that really gets me going." The silence was heavier this time. They both were smiling but there was a tension. Ben noted the way Leslies breasts heaved in and out from her breathing, and he noticed the way a piece of bangs fell into her face. He could reach over and-
"I think I am more sexually attracted to her than the doctor though."
"So the stories are true… didn't know you swung that way Knope. It's a shame for men everywhere really."
"Says the man who once said on public television 'Who hasn't had gay thoughts?'" She teased right back.
"Well I can assure you my thoughts are very straight nowadays." He said deadpan, but she awkwardly laughed and forged ahead.
"The boards may argue with you."
"The website everyone is posting on." He continued to look at her blankly and she gave him a stunned gasp. " You can't have not looked at it."
"I saw a post about April, Andy, and I. And…. ya. I got curious. I clicked on it assuming that it was April screwing with me. But I think the story would have made her gag as much as I was. I don't think I have ever seen a more disturbing sight."
"Including Ron and Tammy dry humping through bars?"
"I had almost effectively forgotten that that existed, until now. So thank you for that." Then both of them sat, remembering that day. "Ugh now I can't get it out of my head." Ben revealed, and Leslie nodded.
"I'm happy no one has ever written a story on it. Can you imagine if one of us got stuck in a story like that."
"All the effects of friction?"
"It's settled. You and I are never having a three way with Ron….." Crickets. Ben didn't even want to look at Leslie, afraid to see what he might see on her face. How does one back track from that. " I mean as separate entities, like you and I as separate people would not include him in our sex lives."
"So you're already making decisions about our sex life huh?" She said it casually and he had to look at her face. When he finally looked up she was giving him a teasing smile. " If we were to have a three way we both know who would be the third person."
"Ann" He said right as she said
"Tom." And he, once again stared blankly at the woman before him. She gave him a smile to let him know she was joking. "It's the way he pulls off them scarves you know. Makes a woman's vagina start singing."
"What does it start singing? And if you say Whoop there it is, so help me. No, you can not sleep with Tom."
"And I was so close…"
"Well as a friend I have to help you out. Make sure you don't sleep with people you will regret."
"Well who would you recommend I do sleep with then?" She said seriously. And this time he knew it wasn't a joke. She was looking up at him with those earnest eyes, begging him to take a chance. He felt his throat dry up, but he knew what he had to say. Just as he was about to volunteer himself as tribute-
"If one more old lady writes about Andy and I in her bed I am going to kill myself. Also here are your pens back. Andy stole them to see if he could write things on the bottom of peoples shoes without noticing them."
Ben found himself in the tug of war inside himself. April and Andy were out "having sex in a public place", and Ben found himself alone on a Friday night. His computer was on his bed, opened to the webpage. All he had to do was click on Leslies name. His mouse hovered over it ominously. But instead Ben ran to the kitchen and started vigorously cleaning up. He could beat this. But once the kitchen was cleaner than it had ever been, he found himself wandering back to the bed. Once again, right before clicking her name, he decided to go tidy up the front room. That night he was like a maniac. He effectively cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, including April and Andy's bedroom. At eleven at night he had nothing else to busy himself with. He tried to watch Avatar, but his screen kept going back to the webpage, betraying him. With a huge breathe, and shaky hands he clicked her name and prompts appeared. Some of them were written by older men in the department, if the subjects were anything to go off of. And she was paired with Ann most of the time. There was one about Ann, the mysterious Mark, and Leslie. He let himself read it, and was able to stomach it because it was poorly written. The author didn't even capitalize any names, didn't know the difference between their and they're, and kept coming back to having Ann and Leslie cat fight over the made up man. He scrolled down to the comment section- expecting unsatisfied customers but instead found a discussion.
~I've always wondered if they shared him. I mean they both slept with him at some point.
~I wonder if he ever compared them. Or if he just told Ann she was automatically better in bed because she came after Leslie.
~Isn't it odd that there are two people they have both slept with? I would be interested in seeing a fic where they both sleep with Steven.
~First off Ann and Leslie did NOT have a three way with Mark. Second Ann never slept with Steven. Not that she didn't want to but she didn't and he only had eyes for Leslie.
~Is that Ann?
~Ann did you read that awesome story about you and Tom? It really got me going.
So it was a story about an ex. And people wanted to read about her having sex with her exes. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and upset. Until he came upon the ones about them. They were paired with Ann, with April, with Chris, with Tom even. But there was a surprising amount of stories about them. The sad thing is, the stories didn't really get him going as he thought they would. The idea of someone else being there with them didn't turn him on. I mean the ones about him and Ann were hot, and he may have touched himself, but he didn't think he would use them for his fantasies at night. But he always strayed to the comments. And one in particular surprised him on a story about him, her, and April.
~I find it important to note that Leslie Knope would never do ménage a trios. Because if she was sleeping with Ben, she would be so satisfied she would never need another person. She's not a very good sharer. Also, she would never wear a dead orphan outfit- in sex or out of it. What is a dead orphan outfit? Now a bunny suit, she might wear.
And before Ben could think about it he found himself writing a response.
~And Ben would be the same about Leslie. And he would love to see her in said bunny outfit.
~I think there should be a category of stories where only two people would have to be involved.
~I agree. And I changed my mind, instead of the Bunny outfit she should wear her regular skirts and low cut blouses. But he might appreciate it if she leaves the Blazer at home.
~Oh I agree. And he can wear his ridiculous plaid shirts as well.
~And I think they should start it the normal way. No objects, costumes, or anything to start out with. I think he should take her on a proper date.
~I think that's a wonderful idea. As long as they get to hold hands.
~ He would definitely hold her hand. And at the end of the night, he would take her to a park and swing on the swings with her.
~Not the Eagleton park I hope.
~Who do you think Ben is? Of course not. And after they talked, and laughed, and flirted he would find time to give her a chaste kiss that he has been dying to since the moment he met her.
~ Why a chaste one? What if she wants to grab him by his collar, and kiss him? What if she wants to run her tongue along his bottom lip until he moans? What if she just wants to make out with his face?
~Then she happily could. But she would have to be careful because he might lay her down in the grass and kiss her until she can't breath. He might even undo a few of her buttons little by little. He might get frustrated with that and just pull the shirt over her head and start running his hands along her stomach, her back, any part of her that he can reach.
~Every part. Unless Leslie Knope had an issue with that.
~No issue. She might even help him out by taking off her bra.
~In that case, he would run his hands along her breasts. Just staring and exploring the things he's been dreaming about for months. But his hands wouldn't be enough and soon he would have to get his mouth involved. Sucking and licking her nipples, even lightly biting one until he has her moaning and squirming underneath him.
~Dreaming about this for months eh?
~You have no idea.
~ Is that why you have been taking extra long bathroom breaks? So you can touch yourself instead of touching her?
At this point Ben was shocked. There were no pretenses. He assumed that who he was talking to was Leslie, but it could have been anyone. It could have been Joe in plumbing for all he knew. And he had basically given himself away. But what if it was her? What if it was her egging him on? What if it was her who basically gave him permission to go to second base with her? Wait would it be third base? Or maybe first? Whatever… the point was Ben was screwed. But if he was caught, he might as well put it out there.
~I've wanted to touch her since the moment I met her. But more then that, I want to be with her because I care about her. And because I care about her I would never do anything to jeopardize her job, or the things she loves. Otherwise I would have asked her out. We would have had sex in every position on this website. And she would be the one I would be making waffles for every morning.
It seemed like hours until he finally got the response.
~She would like that. Also make sure to bring whipped cream.
Later Chris tells him that one of the two men involved in the sex scandal resigned. He took full responsibility and the other was able to keep his job. According to Chris, the one resigning claimed he had nothing left to lose anymore. Ben stores this information away for future use. And as Ben makes eye contact with Leslie, who brought waffles with whipped cream, and is casually not wearing her blazer today, he knows that he is done trying to stop the inevitable. He had nothing left to lose, and everything to gain.