She tried to be fearless.
To speak her mind, to voice the truth.
It was hard though, saying certain things out loud.
Lately, she had turned to writing them down instead.
Jane finished the last word of the sentence with a flourish, gently placing the pen on the desk. She stretched, raising her arms high over her head, and exhaled harshly
Picking up the worn journal she traced the words she had just written.
"What are you doing?" Maura's voice startled her.
Jane turned, quickly shutting the leather volume.
"Nothing," she replied.
Maura leaned against the doorframe and inspected Jane with soft scrutiny, as if debating whether or not to press.
Jane took the opportunity to appraise the other woman.
It still took her breath away how gorgeous Maura was. How feminine and soft and strong and beautiful and everything right.
Maura smiled hesitantly and Jane felt a familiar tightness behind her breastbone.
"I was writing," she admitted.
"Writing?" Maura's brow furrowed. She entered the room and took a seat in the comfortable leather armchair.
"Yeah," Jane nodded. "Just some things I wanted to say."
"Would you tell me?" Maura asked.
Jane licked her lips nervously, eyeing the journal warily.
"You won't laugh?" she countered.
Maura's eyes were dark, serious, full of love.
"Never," she breathed.
Without replying, Jane flipped open the journal to the entry she had just completed. She skimmed silently to the last stanzas of her looping scrawl.
"I try to be fearless," she began, voice soft. "But I'm still afraid. A lot. Constantly. I worry- about all sorts of things. But I want to be fearless. I want to live fearlessly. I want you to be fearless too. I want you to know what it's like to jump in with both feet, to take chances and make mistakes and really live. I have that, and I want it for you more than I want anything else in the world. I want you to be the most perfect version of yourself, to do what makes you happy, regardless of what anyone says. I want you to have hope, joy, freedom. I want you to have love. I love you. Your family loves you. I will always love you, be there for you- no matter what."
Maura stood, coming over to stand in front of Jane. She reached out a gentle hand and cupped Jane's cheek. For a moment, Jane faltered. Her eyes fluttered closed and her voice stilled.
But then she continued.
"I worry I won't be enough," she rasped. "I worry I'll let you down- I know I will. But it's not for lack of trying. I'm going to give you everything I can, everything I have. I promise. You are…"
Her voice broke and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut.
Maura took one of Jane's hands and guided it to her rounded belly. Jane brought her other hand with it, cupping Maura's pregnant stomach. She leaned her forehead against it, sighing raggedly when Maura's hands combed through her hair.
"You are beautiful," she finished.
Placing a reverent kiss to Maura's protruding abdomen, she stood. Sliding her hands around to cup Maura's hips, she pulled the other woman close.
"I love you," she said.
"I love you too," Maura replied, kissing Jane with soft lips.
"And I love our baby," Jane added.
"Our baby," Maura echoed with wonderment. "I know you do. So do I. And Jane, you're more than enough."
"I just want to give this baby everything," Jane rested her forehead against Maura's, breathing in the air between them.
"Our baby will want for nothing," Maura reassured her. "There's so much love and joy and tenderness, Jane. Between your family and our friends and the two of us… she'll be smothered with affection and love and attention."
Jane froze, her eyes flying to Maura's.
"I know we were going to wait," Maura hedged, coloring slightly. "But a technician inadvertently revealed it to me on the phone. I was too excited- I had to tell you."
Jane fused her lips to Maura's, tongue stealing inside.
"I'm so happy," she breathed into the kiss. "I love you. She."
Maura smiled, slowing the kiss to a lingering caress of lips and tongues.
"I love you too," she repeated.
"We're having a girl," Jane whispered, her hand smoothing over the baby.
"We are," Maura agreed.
"She's going to play hockey," Jane grinned.
"No hockey, please" Maura's nose scrunched. "But I'm alright with softball and basketball."
"Football?" Jane laughed.
"I'd prefer she avoid sports where concussions are a major concern," Maura frowned. "But if she really loved it…"
"I guess it would be ok if she wanted to do ballet or fencing or something," Jane suggested.
Maura smiled- beamed actually.
"You wouldn't mind?" she asked.
"I just want her to be happy," Jane shrugged. "Whatever that means for her."
"You make me happy," Maura kissed Jane soundly. "She's going to be happy too."
"That's all I care about," Jane let her arms wrap more securely around Maura. "Now, how about we discuss how much I love you- naked."
Maura laughed, the melodic sound touching Jane's very soul.
"Alright," she agreed. "Lead the way."
Jane led them down the hall to the bedroom, their wedding rings nestled together.
And she thought about being fearless.