So people have been asking if I have been working on the story, and the truth is, not as much as I was hoping to. The show isn't exactly making it easy on someone trying to tell a story from Brittany's POV right now, even completely outside of canon.
But I am still working on it and here's a little bit of the story from early on, just to give another little preview to give a better idea of what the story will be like.
This is also to get myself going a little bit, because I am excited for the story and want to get it far enough along I can really start posting and so hopefully this will be a kick in my own backside about not having any excuses anymore too. lol
Anyway, just a tease, and a promise that the new story is still coming. Slowly, but surely.
Brittany was pretty sure the cast party was just a big excuse to make her watch Santana sing. Not that she would have been able to resist anyway. It's not like she hadn't already set her DVR, marked it on her calendar and watched most of the video marathons they had been showing the past couple of weeks after the release of her newest single.
There was just no way she could see Santana Lopez Takeover listed on her television and not get the inevitable butterflies that made her heart feel like it was fluttering around inside her chest. Especially when it seemed like every other commercial was teasing her with mentions of a brand new song that Santana had apparently written the same night Brittany left to come back home to New York. That thought alone was enough to make her lie awake thinking about. Was it a song for her, or about her? The prospect of that was somewhere between thrilling and terrifying. Because Santana knew what her fears were, and all that attention she was afraid of would be shining on her like a spotlight ready to expose everything she wanted to hide. But on the other hand, the idea of a song that Santana had truly written for her was like her greatest wish, her most prized childhood dream come to life. Ever since the first time she had heard Santana sing, there was a part of her that had always tried to imagine she was singing to her, for her, about her.
Any doubts she had that the song Santana was supposed to be singing had something to do with her had been wiped out by the almost amazingly unsubtle way that Rachel insisted on the watch part for the cast and crew, just so that she couldn't beg out of it without calling even more attention to herself.
They had all seen Santana at the first dress rehearsal and the way she and Brittany left together. Theater people gossiped like insanely desperate housewives backstage, and they hardly made any attempt to hide their interest and curiosity.
Brittany suspected that if she tried to leave before the show started, Rachel might actually panic and tackle her or something, tying her down to make her watch if she had to. And since bondage hadn't ever really been her thing, she resigned herself to the fact that there was no escape.
She was equally sure that Santana was the one who really had insisted that she be here, which was the reason she really didn't look harder for an escape in the first place. Because Rachel would only be this terrified of her not watching if Santana had threatened her with something. And even though Brittany didn't know what it could be, she did pass by her backstage the other day looking really pale and muttering something about a goat.
But if Santana had written a song for her, or about her, then she knew she owed it to her to listen. And by the time the montage of clips showing Santana that were filmed that day, Brittany knew she couldn't make herself leave if she wanted to. There were clips of conversation, shots of Santana laughing at whoever was interviewing her, different angles of her on the darkly lit stage surrounded by a small band.
It cut then to the first part of the interview. Brittany realized randomly that she remembered seeing the silk blouse Santana was wearing in her suitcase that day in the hotel room. She had touched it, marveling at how amazing it felt. She blinked and took a deep breath as Santana started to speak.
"It's all about mirrors, I guess." She laughed easily, but Brittany thought she could still see some tension in her face. "Everything is mirrors!" The video cut away for a moment, and then seemed to continue on with her interview, making Brittany wish suddenly she could see the whole thing. But then she could have, if she had stayed. "No, but really," Santana laughed again, "they help you see things clearly sometimes. And then sometimes they only show you what you are hiding behind, that image of yourself that you want people to see, even if it's not the truth. It's the truth you want people to see and to believe and then after a while you kind of get lost in it, and you forget what was really there underneath it all to begin with."
Brittany's heart pounded. Was Santana coming out? It sounded like it. She looked around, finding everyone else looking surprised as well. Rachel chewed on her lip and whispered something to Kurt, who was standing nearby.
"I mean, I don't know if I'm supposed to be the evil queen or Snow White or what," her nose scrunches up as she giggles and it's the cutest thing Brittany has ever seen. "Maybe I was both of them at the same time, like the evil Snow White I guess. Maybe everyone else saw me as one of them, but I felt like I was the other on the inside. And I just knew I felt like I was trapped. This song, the way I originally wrote it, was about that feeling of being trapped and not being able to see a way out. And feeling like maybe, somehow if someone could just see the truth, and see you for who you were, then it would make you feel…I don't know… more real somehow. Not quite so alone."
Gulping, Brittany remembered the raw emotions on Santana's face the night she sang it. That night, in a dark, crowded club when Santana sang the original version, she had felt like it was her moment to see a childhood dream come true, only to find that it turned into something like a nightmare. Because when Santana sat there in front of her, so wide open it almost made her ache, all it made Brittany feel was that she didn't deserve it. She had been hiding. And, if not lying, then at least not telling Santana the whole truth. Every time she asked herself why, or felt the urge to open up, there was always something that made her stop. Some excuse to put it off for just a little while longer, in case it changed how Santana felt about her, or made her angry.
So long as Santana thought she was still on the job, then at least she didn't have to worry about what was expected of her, or disappointing Santana in some way. That was one area where at least Brittany had complete confidence in her ability to fulfill any desires or expectations Santana might have of her. Or where she honestly believed she could be everything Santana might want. In her bedroom, at least Brittany had known where she stood.
But with her suddenly intense honesty, Santana had pulled them suddenly out into the open. It amazed her that she had seen every part of this woman's body, and shown her every part of her own, but there under the lights, they both seemed so much more naked than they had ever been.
"I don't know, I feel like I've learned a lot about myself lately," there was still a sadness in Santana's eyes as she chuckled again and it bothered Brittany suddenly that she didn't feel like she understood completely what was behind them now. She had gotten to feel like she could read Santana, could understand her pretty well, but watching her on the screen now there was a distance between them again. Like there had been when she was just a fan, watching her idol. "Sometimes I think that's just how life is. You're just going along, doing your thing and all of a sudden someone comes along or something happens in your life. And it's like BAM growth spurt, whether you want it or not."
Now there was laughter coming from the behind the camera and Brittany felt an irrationally jealous ache, wanting to be there. It was strange, to have come to feel on some level like Santana was hers, at least for a little while, only to see her now shared so freely with the public again. Her hand twitched toward the phone in her pocket, suddenly intensely aware that all she had to do was push a few buttons and she could be talking to Santana, right now. Not seeing some conversation that was edited and polished for everyone else. She tried to remind herself of all the reasons it was a bad idea, but suddenly none of them felt like they mattered.
Taking a deep breath, Brittany focused on the television as the soft notes of the song began to play as this part of Santana's interview faded away.
"I guess you just have to hang on for the ride and try to figure things out. That's all any of us can do."
Mirror, Mirror, don't be shy
I see the look there in your eye.
Mirror, Mirror, tell me true
The face they see, is it me or you?
Brittany blinked, staring at the large screen like it really was a magical mirror that could look right into her. She sniffed, not able to hold back the tears anymore. And then, before anyone could react, she jumped up and bolted for the door.