A/N - *hides* oh dear... I am so sorry I haven't updated this! I thought this story would be easy to write becuase would be able to relate but it's actually insanely hard! plus I have a week of mock exams coming up and I have to revise! I'm deffinately going to finish this story because I hate it when authors don't but if it's not great I appologise! :S And I'm sorry if the end is a bit long and drawn out, I just couldn't seem to end it!
And omg guys how many of you were a part of the biggest klaine/crisscolfer twitter riot in history! :O I know I was! ;) 'White Christmas' sounds amazing and they are just soooo cute ice skating I can't handle my feelings! ;)
Anyway, no Blaine in this but enjoy part 2! :D
Love and Insecurities - Part 2
Kurt stripped off his shirt and stared at himself in the mirror.
He didn't want this to happen, not now. He knew it was only an amount of time until Blaine wanted more, and god he wanted it to! To feel Blaine's bare chest against his own, to caress his skin. He felt dizzy at the thought.
But he couldn't.
Blaine wouldn't want him if he saw him, he knew he wouldn't!
Kurt could tell Blaine had prominent muscles, that was obvious from the tight polos he so loved.
He also knew that Blaine could get any man he wanted. Hell he could probably even get a STRAIGHT man to date him!
...So why would Blaine choose to be with him?!
Kurt simply couldn't understand it. Every time Blaine looked at him his eyes were full of love, adoration, happiness. Why? There was nothing special about him!
He reached down and pressed his hand flat on his stomach. It was flat. That's it! No rippling muscles, no delicious V shaped hip bones, nothing!
His skin was boring, pale.
So why did Blaine want HIM?!
Did he think that hidden underneath his oversized designer jumpers he was hiding something incredible?
After everything that had happened the night before Kurt had begun bracing himself for the confrontation. All throughout the duration of the movie Blaine had been distracted, he hadn't been obvious but Kurt could tell Blaine was watching him.
He didn't want to talk to him about it and he was glad that he didn't actually have to that night. All he wanted was more time. More time like the last couple of months where he didn't have to worry about it.
A knock at his bedroom door snapped him out of his thoughts. He sighed and slipped on his shirt once again before reaching forward and grabbing a can of hairspray off of his vanity, fixing the stray hair that had come lose during the manoeuvre.
"Come in." He called through the wood.
He set down the can and looked over to the door as it opened, revealing a smiling Mercedes.
"Hey, Cedes! What are you doing here?" He said, running over to her and taking her in an embrace before giving her a quick peck on the cheek.
"Hey boo!" She cried before her demeanour becoming suddenly more hesitant. "I just um... need to talk to you... about Blaine..."
Kurt tried not to let his shock show through but, eyes widening, he couldn't help but stutter slightly as he tried to find the words. Why would she want to talk about Blaine? She couldn't know what happened yesterday could she?
Urgh that's the last thing I need, somebody else prying into this subject! He thought.
"What uh, what about him?" He asked nervously, turning away and walking towards the edge of the bed to sit down.
As Mercedes watched Kurt she sighed and carefully went to sit down next to him. "Kurt you know what. Fancy explaining to me why I got a frantic Blaine on the phone this morning asking me if I had any idea if you were mad at him?! What's going on Kurt I thought you two were doing great!"
"We were, Cedes it's no big deal!"
"Well then what's going on? Has he done something wrong? Because if he has you need to talk to him about it rather than ignore him because I think he's verging on a breakdown! If the conversation was face to face rather than over the phone I would have slapped him to snap him out of his crazy rant!" She joked slightly trying to break the tension and lighten the mood.
"No! God no of course he hasn't done anything wrong! He's..." He sighed knowing just how true the next statement was. "He's perfect..."
"Then... then what's wrong? Why did you freak out? Common Kurt tell me, I'm your friend!"
"Its nothing alright I told you!" He cried. "Besides why do you care? And when did you two become best friends?" He snapped. He felt bad, he hated himself for yelling at her but no one knew about his self loathing and he didn't want people to start finding out now. Who knows, if his secret got out to the glee club it could accidentally slip out into the rest of the school and that would just. give the jocks another reason to pick on him.
Mercedes, however, wasn't set back by his harsh exterior. Her friend, the Kurt she knew had always been tough and independent but had never spoken to her like this.
Right then, She thought setting herself up. If Kurt's gonna act the bitch then feel the full force of diva jones!
"Don't give me that crap Kurt! I may have been a little pissed earlier in the year after how he made you feel on valentines day and after what happened with Berry at the Rachel Berry train wreck extravaganza but since you guys started dating and I got to know him I saw how great he is! And you love Blaine! You two are so perfect for each other it's almost sickening! And I care because something is hurting you and I want to know what! So tell me why the hell you completely freaked out on him yesterday while you were making out to the point that Blaine seemed practically at the point of tears?!"
Again Kurt made no reply. He could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes and a stabbing in his gut as he felt a wash of guilt ride over him. He hated hearing how upset he had made Blaine, he had know idea how much he had scared him!
He was desperate to talk someone. He was tired of feeling so deflated all the time! Still though, he couldn't tell Mercedes why. He was too embarrassed. So he just stayed sitting, staring at his constantly fidgeting hands.
Mercedes watched him. She could see he was upset and was struggling with himself, arguing whether or not to open up into whatever was troubling him, but she could also see he was scared. Kurt told her everything. They were best friends! The fact that he was holding back really concerned her. She knew how low he had become last year and she didn't want him to suffer through that level of hurt again. And she definitely didn't want him to push Blaine away. From the day Kurt had met Blaine he had been happier, lifted, smiling. He had started healing and now, almost 10 months later and Kurt was this joyful, cheery, bubbly person and she knew so much of that was down to the curly haired Warbler.
She sighed as she reached over to grip his hand. "Ok fine. Don't tell me. I really wish you'd talk to me but if you really can't then that's fine. Just... don't push Blaine out ok? This summer is the happiest I've ever seen you. Just talk to him, before you do anything irrational. Ok boo?"
She was right. Kurt tried to think of an argument but he knew she was right. Blaine deserved to know.
Still though he was scared. Its not that he didn't trust Blaine with his insecurity, he was just simply not ready to tell. No matter how many times he tried to talk himself out of feeling like this, he couldn't. Couldn't talk to anyone! They would just think he was seeking attention! And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to accept what he looked like. He really didn't like the way he looked and the thought of being that exposed to someone really terrified him.
No one would want him when there are so many people better looking than himself in the world. No one would wait the time for him before experiencing the physical side of a relationship. Not even someone like Blaine, he just knew it!
But even Kurt couldn't deny that Mercedes was right. He couldn't continue to push Blaine away, especially after last night. Another thing Kurt so loved about Blaine was how caring he was. Even from their first meeting. If ever there was something troubling Kurt, Blaine seemed to go out of his way to try and help. And while his dapper 1950's qualities were always so endearing, this time around it was those qualities that meant there was no where for Kurt to hide.
Although he didn't particularly trust his voice at this point in time, he still managed to choke out a quiet "Thanks Cedes. I uh... yeh you're right I'll talk to him. And I'm sorry I can't tell you its just... I mean I know you're my best friend its just obviously this is something I haven't talked to anyone about ok, not just you. I don't want you to think I'm like pissed at you or something." He breathed with a small chuckle, wiping his nose.
Mercedes stood up and pulled Kurt into a powerful hug. "Don't worry about it boo ok? I get it. But seriously, you tell me if someone's messing with you or whatever because damn boy they gunna regret it!" She said forcefully with a serious smirk on her face.
Kurt laughed and Mercedes beamed at the smile on his face. "I promise you Cedes no one's picking on me, and if they were you'd be the first to know about it."
"Swear on it?" She pressed, pointing an insistent finger in his direction.
"I swear on my latest McQueen sweater no one is messing with me. Does that convince you miss Jones?"
"Wow ok ok I'm convinced. I'll see you soon alright?" She said walking out the bedroom and towards the front door.
"And talk to Blaine!"
"And text me later, I've been feeling a distinct lack of love from you this summer." She teased.
They paused at the door and Kurt thought for a moment. "How about a big New Directions sleepover then? And no, it will not be a repeat of the Rachel Berry train wreck extravaganza, but I do promise that with me in charge it will be absolutely fabulous!"
"Now you're talking!" She exclaimed. Mercedes had a point. When she said it out loud Kurt realised that he had been so excited and focused on his relationship with Blaine that he had been blowing off his best friend quite a bit. In fact he had been since the day he met Blaine. But honestly who could blame him? He was happy and in love. But that didn't stop him from feeling bad about his actions.
"Well we all know how hard it is arranging something with the New Directions but how about we try for next week?"
"Sounds great Kurt. Come here." She said leaning in for a quick kiss on the cheek. "Text you later boy!" She finished before heading out the door.
"See ya Cedes!" Kurt called back. He latched the door shut and slumped against it with a sigh. Although his best friend never failed to make him smile and he was feeling a lot better than before, he still had to talk to Blaine. He didn't know what he was more scared of, actually talking to Blaine about this problem or the prospect that Blaine might realise what he truly looked like.
Scared and agitated he made his way back up to his room to think.