Disclaimer: I don't own anything except this story.
I'm dead inside.
For 3 years I have felt this way, I feel numb to everything and just go through life faking that everything is okay. I'm a Teen Titan so I guess you would think I'm something great because I saved your life a couple of times but if I have to be honest I wish that my friends would stop saving mine, I wish that just once they wouldn't be so good at being heroes and something would just take me out so I could be free.
I have so much on my plate, I'm always the one who has to deal with everything, It's something I thought I wanted at one time but I realized long ago this truly isn't what I ever wanted and if I could go back in time I'd take it all back, Maybe I'd get married or go to college and actually have a future. This type of job never allows me to do that, I'm scared to ever have children or date anyone because I wouldn't want to put their lives in danger.
Yep, This is pretty much my life.
I don't get to sleep much, Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get maybe 10 hours of sleep a week, However I admit that most of the time I don't sleep much anyway I just lay in my bed wide awake thinking about all the decisions I have made up to this point of my life and I realize that I screwed up a lot, Sometimes I think I do more hurting people than actually helping. I think of ways to kill myself so that I don't have to do this anymore, I've come to the conclusion that killing myself is the only way to be free from this hell I decided to live in.
Nobody would suspect that I would be the type to kill myself, I'm usually the one who lies to the rest of the team and assures them. I'm pretty sure they all hide how they really feel too, I'm pretty sure we're all sick of this crap, There is no way they're all that positive and happy all the time. One time I thought of blowing up the whole tower with us all in it. I could never do that though, I could never kill myself or this team.
Sometimes when I'm completely alone I like to get drunk, It's not like the police around here would say anything to the amazing Teen Titans for drinking anyway so it's easy for me to get drunk and get away with it. Raven seen me wasted one early morning, She and I pretended it never happened just like she pretends she can't read all these bad thoughts of mine, I'm positive she feels the same way.
I've dealt with dangerous criminals for almost half my life so I've seen my share of horrible monsters to give me nightmares for the rest of my miserable life. I've been captured and tortured and violated in more ways than any of you will ever understand. The part that gets strange about that is, I didn't care I already disliked my life and I already wanted to end my hero career, I kind of wish he would have just killed me but he didn't, He wanted me to be his apprentice but I declined. I would have left him take my life if he didn't threaten my friends, Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was meant to be a villain because I'm already my own personal villain on the inside.
Another thing about this career choice of mine is that you really can't just walk away and disappear, People will always find you no matter where you hide. I've thought about leaving so many times, Just walking out the door and never coming back. People think you can just up and leave and go under a fake name and everything is better again, it doesn't work that way! You have enemies and a swarm of super hero friends looking for you because they think you're in some kind of danger when in all reality you didn't get kidnapped and you're not dead you just don't want to be found. I'm paranoid anyway so if I did just decide to quit and leave one day I'd be paranoid as hell and constantly looking over my shoulder hoping that my past didn't find me.
I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing for the past 3 years, I'm going to keep this all to myself and fake a smile and a positive attitude for the sake of this team, I'm the leader after all they count on me to lie and pretend that I'm happy.
I have no real life outside this team.
I wish that something would kill me so I can stop pretending.
I wish all this pressure wasn't on me.
I wish I could turn back time and not choose this.
But most of all, I wish I could feel alive again.
My name is Robin and I'm dead inside.