MATTIAS KØHLER: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own MATTIAS KØHLER unit! To ensure that our loyal customers may use this unit to the best of its abilities, Ota-Co. has provided this manual. Reading is the best way for you, the customer, to avoid being thrashed and ruled by your unit.
Technical Parameters and Specifications
Name: Mattias Køhler
Will respond to "Denmark", "Danmark", "Den", "Mattias", and enthusiastically to "Brother" when called so by any unit from the Nordics™ Set.
Place of Manufacture: Copenhagen, Denmark
Length: He can't compensate for this with that wee little axe of his.
Your MATTIAS KØHLER unit comes with the following:
- One (1) large battle axe
- One (1) small hat, black
- One (1) long coat with cuffs, black and red
- One (1) case of good beer
- One (1) pair of boots, brown
- Two (2) ties, black
- Three (3) sets of dress shirts and pants, red
Your MATTIAS KØHLER comes with the following abilities:
Salesman: Your MATTIAS KØHLER unit is the perfect salesman! He doesn't take no for an answer, so handsome, and can maintain a cheerful facade with even the most unhappy of customers! He can ease their tension with jokes and ignore any cues they make for him to leave, becoming so annoying that they buy something just to get rid of him!
Drinker: Being a man that can hold his liquor, your unit will be a cash cow in bars. Just set him up with some men betting cash on beer games and let him down those cold ones like a bloody pro. (WARNING: AS THE GAMES GO ON, YOUR UNIT WILL RUN AN INCREASING RISK OF FLIPPING INTO KING OF SCANDINAVIA MODE. EMPLOY AS SUCH AT YOUR OWN RISK.)
Bouncer/Bodyguard: As a tall European man, your MATTIAS KØHLER is very imposing to the common thug, and his battle axe should warn off any other crooks. (OTA-CO. IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANT CHARGES PRESSED FOR WIELDING SAID BATTLE AXE IN PUBLIC.)
Activating your MATTIAS KØHLER Unit
Your unit is a towering ball of energy and jokes, but it is easy to wake him up and get a cranky response. To avoid your unit smashing out of the box and cleaving stuff in half with his axe, here are a few ways to activate your MATTIAS KØHLER unit.
1. Open the front of the box and pull his tie as hard as you can, calling for him loudly like you want something. Any name will do for this option. Your MATTIAS KØHLER unit will jerk awake and choke, so let go immediately and keep calling him until he responds. (WARNING: CALLING HIM 'BROTHER' WHILE DOING SO WILL MAKE YOU HIS NEW 'HUG-BUDDY', AND HE WILL GLOMP YOU AT ANY TIME FROM THEN ON. THIS IS AN IRREVERSIBLE AND PERMANENT REACTION.) If he greets you normally, you can introduce yourself and reprogram him if desired.
2. Pull out the beer included and open it close to the box. Your unit should groan and rock his crate a little before telling you to let him out. Do not respond; instead, pour the can into a clear glass and make as if to drink it. Your MATTIAS KØHLER unit should immediately start tearing at the wood and get himself out. When he does, hold the beer out to him and introduce yourself. He will be overjoyed at your gift of beer, but if you're a woman he may ask for a sandwich(1) or get excited. When MATTIAS KØHLER calms down, you can reprogram him.
3. Yell, "NORWAY AND ICELAND ARE LEAVING!" at the top of your lungs and listen closely. If your unit activated properly, you should hear crying and are free to open the box. The MATTIAS KØHLER should come stumbling out crying and be very klutzy; he won't hurt a fly like this, so comfort the poor unit before he drinks himself into King of Scandinavia mode. If you don't hear crying, "release your inner kraken"(2) and scream it like your being murdered. He should hear you and activate then.
After the successful removal of your MATTIAS KØHLER from his box, you have the option to reprogram him to any different personality listed below.
King of Scandinavia
The MATTIAS KØHLER unit comes in his default Cheerful and Difficult modes. The Difficult mode makes your unit stubborn and enables him to ignore people better- meaning that in Difficult mode, he will do a lot of what he wants and override your opinions. The Cheerful mode, unlike Difficult, is more common for your MATTIAS KØHLER to be in. With this mode, your MATTIAS KØHLER unit will be a ball of sunny energy and crack sarcastic jokes that are quite funny. Do not worry if your unit is overruling you and being energetic at the same time. These default modes blend together and with others despite our programmers attempts to separate them.
The Oblivious mode is your unit's way of ignoring anything negative, ignoring people's opinions, and getting his way- all with a cheery grin! To activate your unit's Oblivious mode, simply place a LUKAS BONDEVIK unit within his sight, and wait for the shorter Nordics™ unit to start making jokes at his expense. In this mode, your MATTIAS KØHLER unit will be so happy to see his "best buddy" that he won't even notice the jibes and be oblivious to everything. If your MATTIAS KØHLER unit has been avoiding bathing, this moment is opportune for you to hose the stinky unit off. Be warned that such ruthless tactics are quite like those of a BERWALD OXENSTIERNA unit, and you may be charged with a battle axe. If you wish to jolt your unit out of Oblivious mode without getting charged -as most methods result in charging- then simply dismiss the unit and crack open a beer. At this point, he will ask you for a sandwich whether or not you are female and go for a nap or drink the beer.
To unlock Depressed, you must remind your unit rather callously of how the other Nordics™ left him or that you own him. A MATTIAS KØHLER in Depressed means that he will mope around the house, drink a lot, and cling to you crying. It is not advised to disturb him in this mode unless you have beer or any other Nordics™ unit to use as a meat-shield, as he will tackle-glomp the closest person and sob about being all alone.
The King of Scandinavia mode is a frightening mode to experience. Your MATTIAS KØHLER will revert to his days as a powerful nation with a ruling monarchy and conquer as many people, units, and inanimate objects or places as he can. Do not be alarmed if he suddenly yells that something is 'THE PROPERTY OF THE KINGDOM OF DENMARK!'; it is also common for him to be drunk in public while in this mode. It is unlocked by having him get drunk with any of the Nordics™ units and can only be turned off by reminding him that you own him -the Kingdom of Denmark- and all it's property. If he hears you over his own shouting, your MATTIAS KØHLER unit will fall in Depressed mode and ignore you childishly until he sobers up a little.
MATTIAS KØHLER units' only locked mode is his Possessive one. It is a long and complicated process to activate: one needs to house the Nordics™ units all together for a long period of time, and then release all except your MATTIAS KØHLER unit. After switching to Possessive, your MATTIAS KØHLER unit will rampage to recollect the Nordics™ units you released (and possibly you, if you have a good relationship), hoard them somewhere safe, and rarely realize what he is doing until he wakes up and drops into Depressed. This mode is not advised, as MATTIAS KØHLER will be a total control-freak, demand outrageous things, and be hard to live with. Nothing has been known to trigger the 'wake-up, drop', although our programmers reason that this mode is linked to the other Nordics™ units' independence.
Relationships with Other Units:
TINO VÄINÄMÖINEN: While the TINO VÄINÄMÖINEN unit lived with him, he still left with the BERWALD OXENSTIERNA unit. For that, your MATTIAS KØHLER unit is a little hurt and can sometimes be found drinking over it. However, the unit left for lack of freedom, so it just shows how controlling a MATTIAS KØHLER unit can be. These two units do not have an accessible relationship, but they can make an easy combination for accomodations in any cramped living space.
BERWALD OXENSTEIRNA: MATTIAS KØHLER detests this unit immensely, as he both left the Nordics™ units and took the TINO VÄINÄMÖINEN unit with him. This unit is challenged a lot by your MATTIAS KØHLER unit in almost everything, but your MATTIAS KØHLER always loses so you may need to help him recover his ego afterwards. The BERWALD OXENSTIERNA unit is unable to cope with your unit's behaviours and lifestyle, so please mix with care to prevent rebelling or violence. Like with many other unit combinations, hate can turn to love... or at least hardcore rough sex. Enjoy~!
LUKAS BONDEVIK: Your MATTIAS KØHLER thinks of this unit as his "best friend" and loves him dearly. He feels that they are extremely close, even though that cannot be farther from the truth. A LUKAS BONDEVIK will tease and insult your unit, being overall blunt, but your unit will already be in Oblivious so it doesn't matter what the LUKAS BONDEVIK says. These two, due to the automatic Oblivious mode on your unit, are perfect for each other as both roommates or lovers -if you so choose- and make for good footage.
Your MATTIAS KØHLER unit may be a capable man, but he will gladly laze about while you do the work for him. Any offers to help clean him will usually be met with a daring grin and agreement, but it is not advisable to offer. MATTIAS KØHLER has a disregard for other people's rights, so you will likely find yourself molested and shagged amongst the soap suds.
Your MATTIAS KØHLER unit likes to drink; plain and simple. He drinks mostly alcohol from Northern Europe, but he would never turn down a good glass of brandy or whiskey on the rocks. Try to keep your MATTIAS KØHLER unit filled with good quality liquor, but he'll be embarrassed if you buy pricey stuff. Other than that, he eats A LOT of everything.
Sleeping is a very 'drop where you stop' concept to a MATTIAS KØHLER unit. He sleeps when he's tired, and only where he's comfortable, so don't be shocked to wake up and realize you are his new teddy.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: "Um... I got shagged in my bathtub, and now my MATTIAS KØHLER unit is going all mother-hen on me. I need to schedule my stuff and he goes everywhere with me- EVERYWHERE! Also, I'm acquiring more and more Nordics™ units..."
A: Congratulations, customer! You have successfully unlocked your MATTIAS KØHLER unit's Possessive mode on a weaker scale due to his attachment to you! He won't rampage or harass your other units, but he will be the other-protective boyfriend and slowly obtain more of his fellow Nordics™ units. Be warned, this weaker version of the Possessive mode will make him very physical and MATTIAS KØHLER will feel the need to demonstrate his claim over you whenever you're with single men. If his hot-tempered possessiveness doesn't do it for you, you can always withhold affections or send his currently 'acquired' Nordics™ units home. Your MATTIAS KØHLER will likely feel upset or angry, but the lack of affection should mellow him out as long as you don't whore yourself around. Once he has learned his lesson, give the poor boy a break; he loves you, after all.
Q: "A LUKAS BONDEVIK is always in my house! WtH!?"
A: Calm down, customer, it's okay. Either this LUKAS BONDEVIK is just cozy in your house more that in its owner's, or your MATTIAS KØHLER is in a relationship with it.
With God-like patience and some scotch, MATTIAS KØHLER will be your best buddy and the two of you will have a great time. Since the lifetime warranty is in place, think of him as the best buddy you never had, and can now never get rid of. Enjoy!
(1): You don't think he would ask for one? Seriously?
(2): Quoting 'Ghost In The Stalls' off Youtube. Go watch it, and enjoy the LULZ.