Disclaimer - I own none of the characters in this story, they belong to the astounding J.K. Rowling, and she would probably murder me (slowly and painfully) if she ever reads what I'm about to do to them. Ween is a band that I do not own, same goes for Bonnaroo. I make no money from this.
This is ridiculous, idiotic, and something I don't think I will ever be able to come close to again. However, it was a blast to write. So, if you don't typically like the ever-silly parodies, turn away now. This is not my usual kind of stuff whatsoever, but I welcome all realms, all pairings, all situations, and I enjoy writing them also. I'd love for you to read it and love it, but I know not everyone will have as much fun reading it as I had writing it, and that's okay.
There is no beta for this, simply because I don't think something this ridiculous could be made worse with a few errors on my part.
Warning - 18 and over only, please. Use of drugs and alcohol, as well as sexual content and language.
"WEEN, WEEN, WEEN!"
Hermione dizzily looked around, watching as all of the Weasleys, all of the Order members, and quite a few of just random Hogwarts ex-students chanted in sync, fists pumping in the air in time with their shouts. Her vision blurred and she giggled as everyone became each other, Dumbledore's face being placed on Neville's body. Suddenly, she noticed that, beyond all of them, was a rather large stage with little tiny people on it, playing a rather catchy song.
"Where am I?" Hermione asked to no one in particular.
"You… Miss Granger… are at… Bonnaroo."
Hermione groaned as that deep, silky, velvety, smooth, nearly tangible, sexy, beautiful, ridiculously turn-on-ish voice hit her ears. "What is Bonnaroo? And where are you?"
Out of nowhere, Professor Severus Snape appeared within her hazy vision, wearing nothing but a pair of plaid swimming trunks. She gawked at his toned torso. He was no longer the "dungeon bat"; since Slughorn had taken over, nearly five years ago now, his hair had lost the greasy look. Not to mention that he had taken a trip over to the U.S. for something she couldn't quite remember, was shot for stepping into the wrong neighborhood, and the doctors, thinking that his face had taken a beating, gave him "the works" in terms of plastic surgery while he was knocked out. So, somehow he managed to end up looking quite nice, and since the sneering stopped working because all it did was manage to make every girl swoon, he decided to drop the stupid act and just be sexy as hell.
"Bonnaroo is the music festival I told him about," he said, pointing to an ancient white haired man, who was now taking a puff of an odd looking cigarette. "He was so bloody fascinated by the whole thing he required the entire staff, Order, and anyone else he could find, to attend."
Hermione continued to gawk, the words slowly sinking in. "Okay," she said before boldly taking a step towards the Professor, her naked… wait… naked?… body pressing against him. "Where exactly are we? And why the fuck am I not wearing any clothing?!"
Severus rolled his eyes. "We are in Manchester, which is in Coffee County, which is in Tennessee, which is in the U.S., which is in Northern America, which is on planet Earth. Should I continue?" he spat.
No, literally, he spat it. He still wasn't used to the new teeth and his new lips, so sometimes they didn't work well together. But only sometimes. Like… rarely. Maybe once every month or two, don't worry.
Hermione blinked hard a few times after wiping off her face, a bit confused. "Why am I not wearing anything?" she demanded again.
"Because, you took a few puffs off of what Albus is smoking, and got a little carried away," he drawled. "Not to mention the amount of alcohol you have consumed is enough to get a Hippogriff sloshed."
"ALL THE COLORS OF THE HOMO RAINBOW! SHOW ME YOURS AND I'LL SHOW YOU MIIIIIINE!"
Hermione started slightly and looked, a little too quickly, towards Harry, who was screaming the lyrics to the song like an obsessed school girl. The boy who lived was currently waving a rainbow flag, all the while dry humping anything with legs. While looking about, she noticed she was not the only one naked. On the contrary, quite a few woman were not wearing any clothes, quite a few of them opting to have their nude bodies painted in a multitude of patterns and colors. Luna Lovegood was grinding against Ginny, both girls were naked and painted in rainbow patterns.
"So," Hermione said, unconsciously shifting her weight from foot to foot, causing her hips to rub against Severus', "I smoked some stuff, and I drank a lot."
"Correct," he said.
"Oh," she said simply, "all right then. Care to shag?!"
"Why would you want to do that?" he asked, not actually taking the time to think about it.
"Because," she huffed, "I am naked, horny, and you are quite attractive."
"You are shagging the two dogs, are you not?" he asked.
"Why are you making so much sense?!" she screamed, slapping his firm chest.
"Because, Miss Granger, I am not high, nor am I drunk," he said, the corner of his now-full mouth turning up in a smile.
"TASTES GOOD ON THE BUN!" Harry screamed now currently pumping his pelvis against one of the Weasley twins' backside. "More like feels good in his BUM!" he added, even though it wasn't actually part of the song.
"Yes, well, Sirius and Remus are just going to have to sod off, now won't they?" she asked, suggestively grinding her womanhood against his obvious bulge.
"Or, we could all just share," came a different voice from behind her, causing her to moan as the huskiness of it filled her ears. "What do you say, Moons?"
"Mmm, I don't know, Pads," another voice chimed from her other side, causing another moan, "the writer really likes all of us, perhaps she'll be kind enough to let us try to awkwardly find a way for all if us to have sex at the same time."
Hermione whimpered. Severus eyed them all carefully before shrugging his shoulders and sighing in defeat. "If she can manage it, I suppose I would not be opposed to it."
"Fo sho!" Sirius yelled, throwing his fist in the air.
They all converged on the shwasted girl, Sirius pressed against her from the back left side, Remus taking the right back side, and Severus staying put to complete the three-way sandwich. Hands slid along her sweaty body, brushing over her could-cut-glass nipple, over her shaved-to-look-like-a-paw-print pubic hair (which was Remus' idea, not Sirius') (Remus is really kinky; don't let that "oh, I'm so innocent" shit fool you). Snape's now-full lips (seriously, those plastic surgeons were brilliant) pressed against Hermione's for the first time and electricity ran through her entire body (not like real electric currents, but a weird funny feeling that is described best by 'electricity'), stars and fireworks shooting around behind her closed eyes (BOOM BOOM OOOOH AHHHH). His (Severus, in case you forgot) tongue slid gracefully along hers and her knees wobbled like watermelon flavored jell-o that's on a picnic table that was left outside because it got too windy.
The foursome ceased their movements and looked at Harry, who was currently getting a piggy-back ride from Draco Malfoy and pointing at a little stand that hadn't been there five minutes ago. People were crowded around it, waving American money and shouting how many ten ounce clear plastic cups full of lemonade slushy they wanted. Suddenly, there were only two hands on Hermione.
"What the fuck?" she screamed at the retreating backs of Remus and Sirius.
"Sorry, pet, but we can have you anytime," Sirius shouted over his shoulder. "The slushies are only six American dollars apiece! Want one?!"
"SLUSHIES!" Remus yelled, sounding like a ten year old on cocaine. "LEMONADE SLUSHIES."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Hermione growled. "No talent hag," she muttered.
Suddenly, Hermione was hit with a gut-wrenching pain.
"FINE!" she screamed. "Fine, I'll just fuck Severus!"
Hermione sighed a breath of relief as the pain lifted.
"Take me somewhere romantic," she whispered, her glittering, beseeching, lovely, beautiful caramel eyes locking onto his black (or opal, or onyx, or deep, or dark, or…) ones.
"Meet me in the fifth from last porta-potty, five minutes." Severus planted another firm kiss on her chapped lips and ran off, his arms and legs flailing about when someone grabbed his butt.
Hermione closed her eyes and counted to one hundred.
Hermione smirked. She knew he wouldn't be able to wait a full five minutes, so she opened her eyes, fully prepared to take him right there in the field. A horrified look overcame her face when she realized that she was in fact not where he had last left her.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for incorrectly brewing a potion and another fifty points from Gryffindor for drinking the incorrectly made fantasy potion when I clearly instructed the class not to. My office after class." He kept eye contact with her for another tense moment before giving her that classic pursed-lip and sweeping his robes in order to turn away from the class.
It took another twenty minutes and a serious sneer from Professor Snape to get the Potion's class to quiet down. Harry finally broke the silence that had fallen between the trio.
"Hermione?" he asked, and she looked at him with a terrified expression. "What were you fantasizing about? Snape looked really scared."
"What do you mean?" she whispered harshly. "Was I acting it out or something?"
Harry shook his head, making Hermione sigh in relief. "No, but he used Legilimency on you."
"Oh, bloody hell…"
A/N – Please take just a quick moment out to leave a review! It would truly make my day! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you had a bit of a laugh!