A/N: This is the second songifc, set to "I Almost Do" from "Red." To be honest, I'm not that sure I did very well with it, but hey-ho.

And thanks to everyone who have read and reviewed!

Sarah x


I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

I'm lying awake in bed, wondering what she's up to. It's almost midnight, but my guess would be that she's still awake, living off of either caffeine or wine, probably pouring over a case file from years and years ago. It's Friday, so she'll be worn out – I know her well enough to know that she is always tried by the time Friday night arrives, no matter how much she's always denied it.

She'll be wondering what actually happened in this case she's working on. She'll be wondering why she does what she does. She'll be wondering why she chose to open a new box of horrors every time she opens a file. The job takes it's toll; I know that. Some more than others, but I know very well how the strain of being a detective affects them.

Maybe she's just staring out the window by now, too tired to properly concentrate. Maybe she's looking out over the river, watching the lights. Listening to the traffic, perhaps. Probably with her music on.

Maybe she's wondering what I'm doing right now. Maybe she's wondering if I've fallen asleep yet. Part of me wishes she'd call and just talk with me for a while. But instead she distances herself from me. She gets on with it, never once complaining about the life she leads. The life we lead. But I know she thinks about me. When I see her, it's obvious.

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I want to tell her how many times I've dialled her number but not pressed the call button. How hard that is to resist the temptation to disturb her. She doesn't seem to understand that she is everything I have. And I don't even have her. How can she actually expect me to abandoned her? Because that's effectively what she's asking me to do. She pushes me out to the point that I actually have to think about the way her mind works.

I wish she could feel like she could come to me with anything, but she's more likely to do her very best to hide everything from me. I don't know much about her life anymore. In the past couple of years in particular, she's closed herself up to me, never telling much of anything worth listening to.

I wish I could talk to her about anything. Like normal people do. But we're not normal; we haven't been normal in many years. Well, actually, we've never really been able to call ourselves 'normal.' But it doesn't change the fact that we hardly ever talk. That we hardly discuss anything. That she never even calls me. That I don't even call her.

I just hope she realises how close I come to phoning her most nights. I hope she understands that I miss her. The old version of her. She wasn't always as closed as this. Before the world changed her. Before she forgot what it is to live.

And every time I stop myself, I end up regretting it and being extremely thankful at the same time.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

Maybe thinks I've forgotten her. That I've decided to live my life and leave her to it. Or maybe she's even gone as far to believe I've grown to hate her. In fact, I've found its the opposite. I love her more and more the less proper contact we have. I could never hate her. She's always been difficult, and we've always been guilty for saying things that perhaps should never have been said, but I do not hate her. I'm starting to worry now; what if she hates me? What then?

The few times she has held her hand out for me to take, I've kept my distance. I've let her get on with it. Because I just know how it's bound to end: in tears. Or more likely a fit of rage, in her case. I'm guessing she hasn't wrapped her head around that one yet. Even after all these years, she still hasn't figured out that I'm protecting her from another fall out. From an argument that splits them straight down the middle.

She's probably never thought of the idea that maybe, just maybe, I'm doing it for her. She makes me out to be awful half the time. She's told me before what she thinks of me. Well, what she claims to think of me. In a way, we're nothing more than a pair of liars. And, for her, I'll keep lying.

Because I can't do that to her. We're too alike. We're both too quick-tempered. We both always want answers that just aren't there. And it causes arguments. It causes fear, which leads to dispute, which leads to a falling out, which leads to, quite simply, goodbye.

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I turn my back to the phone on my bedside unit. It keeps temptation out of my path. It's so excruciatingly painful to remind myself I can't call her. That I can't do it to her. Unfortunately, she doesn't trust me not to mess it up. She doesn't trust me to be civil anymore. I'm sure she knows I love her, but love and trust can be a world apart when you lie to each other constantly.

I want to stop the lies. I want to be able to build a relationship with her. A real one. None of this pretending to each other that we don't give a damn. If I told her the truth – that there is nothing on this Earth that means more to me than her – I don't think she'd feel very comfortable anymore. She's far more at ease keeping me at arm's length. She's strange like that. The more a person shows they care, the harder she resists.

I begin to drift into an uneasy sleep, and I realise I want her to know that even though I don't, I want to.

Oh we made quite a mess babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess babe
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

My dreams are plagued by the image of her tear-stained face, her shining eyes. Telling me I'm horrible. That I judge too much. And I retaliate with the bored sarcasm that I always use to evade her. I hear that drawl in my voice that tells us both that our game is pointless.

And I realise this is the only way it can be. The only way we know how to exist. All I want if for her to be happy, and she is happier now than she's been in a long time. My issue is that her guardedness is what makes her happy. I can't do anything to help her anymore; she's too used to pushing me out. It would do no good to break the cycle at this stage.

But that doesn't stop me wishing. Even as I sleep, I wish she'd come and see me. I can almost see her touching me cheek lightly, holding my hand. I can just about hear her ask me to give it one last shot. She wants me to stay with her, and see if we can get along this time. She really wants it, and she doing one thing out of the ordinary that betrays it as a dream: she's being honest.

I almost agree, but the words don't leave my mouth. Instead I'm wide awake again.

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I reach over and pick up the cordless phone, slowly punching in her home phone number. My thumb hovers over the green call button, and I desperately want to press it. But I can't. I throw the phone away from me, only far enough that it lands at the very end of the bed, just out of my reach. It's just far enough away that I can't hurt her.

I feel tears sting my eyes and they soon spill over, running hot down my cheeks. She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to leave her alone. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be a proper part of her life. I want to laugh with her when she's happy and cry with her when disaster strikes. But she won't let me. And it takes everything I've got to give her that independence.

She isn't cold. Quite the opposite, in fact; she's more than capable of being soft when she feels like she's safe. She obviously thinks I'm going to cross the line, and that I will say something I ought not to. I' just as bad as her. I push her away. I have my reasons, but I'm not sure she realises that it's to protect her from anymore arguments and heartbreak.

And I hope to God that she understands that I don't stay in silence because I want to. I stay in silence, away from her, because I have to, for her sake as much as my own. I want her to know how many times I've picked up the phone and not rang. I want her to hear how I often think about going to see her, completely out of the blue. I want to tell her that I have to stop myself.

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

So I hope that, as she sits awake as I know she is, she'll be reminded somehow that I'm thinking about her. I hope that she remembers how much I love her. I hope she understands how much I hate this impossible situation of this unsustainable relationship we've always had.

And I hope she thinks about her mother as much as I think about my daughter.


Hope this is OK!
Please leave a review and tell me what you think of it!
Sarah x