When Bonnie had found the spell to bring her Grams back, to give herself power over life and death, she'd wanted things to change. She'd wanted the spirits to stop trying to control her life. She wanted, for once, to do something to help herself. She'd wanted things to be different. She still wasn't sure if it had been the best choice.
It wasn't as if Grams could simply be alive again without exposing all the supernatural stuff that goes on Mystic Falls that miraculously is staying hidden. She couldn't simply go back to the university, go to the grocery store, get the mail like nothing had happened. They'd had to give her a permanent glamour and being stripped of your identity has its own costs.
Bonnie wasn't sure if Grams would've come back if she'd been given the choice. She was all about balance and living as normally as she could. It was why she'd learned to step aside and let the vampires and werewolves handle their own problems. She'd learned to stay out of it so she could live. And now, she was teaching Bonnie how. It was nice. It was… freeing in a way. Nothing was perfect. She'd still get phone calls in the middle of the night for assistance with this catastrophe or another. Sometimes, she helped. Sometimes, she turned her ringer off and sat on Grams' couch worrying the loose strings in her shirt until the danger passed this time.
That's how it was at first anyway. Time brought her the ability to turn off her phone and still enjoy her night. There was one nerve-wrecking night after another and then she learned. She found a way to not let each of their problems become her problem. She studied more, got back into cheerleading, had time to live her life… time to figure out if it was a good idea to try again with Jeremy, too.
"How's the new power going?" he asked. They sat facing each other on a bench near school. People were still leaving school, waving and murmuring greetings as they passed them.
She tilted her head at him in amusement. "I didn't ask you to come here to talk about my power, Jeremy." It had been hard to control at first but she'd taken as short a leave of absence from school as she could without flunking all her classes and practiced on the various rodents in the witches' house. She could call on that power any time she liked – bring back the dead, end a life – but she didn't use it. Not even against her enemies, if there was another way. A while back, she'd been rolling her eyes at her Grams' talk of witches and premonitions. There was no way she could go back and pretend that she didn't know her heritage but there was a balance. And using this power was the definition of throwing that into chaos. And this ability, it was so much. It was intoxicating and Bonnie had already seen the results of losing herself in her magic.
She tucked a strand behind her ear and pulled the collars of her sweater closer to her neck. She burrowed down a bit to stave off the cold. His hands reached out to rub up and down her arms. "Let's go in," he offered motioning his head toward the general direction of the Grille.
"It's okay. It won't take long," she said.
"Oh." His shoulders lost hard edges. His eyes went soft as he regarded her. He worried the corner of his bottom lip. "You decided." His tone was matter-of-fact but an edge of loss could be heard if you knew him which Bonnie did. He wasn't touching her anymore. He'd curled a bit into himself in a way that made Bonnie wish she didn't have to say this.
"I care about you. I think," her hand found his, "that you're the one who needs to figure out what he wants."
"What? Bonnie, I already know. I want to be with you," he finished deliberately.
"You broke my heart, Jer. And I'm not going to give you another chance to do that again when you're still lying to me. And yourself." She sighed. "I'm still a witch. There are things that I have to be involved in. I can't just start hiding away in my room when I know that I could help save someone's life." He opened his mouth to interject but she talked over him. "I'm going to try to be careful. Grams is, she's teaching me how to stop feeling guilty for taking care of myself first sometimes. Sometimes." Her eyes were wide and earnest. "I'm a witch, Jeremy. Saving people, doing what I can is a part of me. Please don't ask me to give that up to be with you… because…"
Because I couldn't choose you. not over myself. Her throat clogged with tears and her eyes were wet. He tightened his grip on her hand and leaned close. His breath was hot against her lips. When he spoke, he sounded aged and tired.
"I know." He took a raspy breath. He inspected their fingers, curling them around each other. "I would never ask you to." At her skeptical eyebrow raise, he continued. "I know that you have to fight. And I do, too. We'll face what we have to. I want us to do that together, Bonnie. I – I love you and," he backed away and rubbed a hand over his face. "This is – I don't." He took a breath, held it and breathed out slowly before turning to face her again. "I could die again and so could you. If you don't trust me or you can't give me and you another chance, I get it. I do. I know that I hurt you. If we're not together, it's not going to be because I'm too scared of losing you."
She studied his resolute chin, the way it hardened and trembled with his speech, and the sincerity in his eyes. "Okay."
"Okay," she said with a nod.
There were things in Bonnie's life that she had no control over like when the next attack on one of her friends or this town would happen. These things threatened to keep her up at night but then there was Grams. And Jeremy. Grams sitting down beside her in her bed with a cup of tea extended. Jeremy extending his own powers and finding his way into her premonitions. Grams' words of caution and wisdom over mandatory weekly dinners with her father, knitting their family together. Jer's concerned glances and caresses when she looked tired or withdrawn. Grams alive and on her way to being fully happy that she is.
"I did the right thing, right?" she murmured. It was 2 A.M., or close to, and her Grams had peeked into her room to check on her. The lamp on her end table lit the room softly and made her visible in the otherwise shadowed room. Her Grams regarded her for a long moment. She peered at her until Bonnie's breath began to quicken with her panicked thoughts. What if she blames me? she thought.
"Sweetie. You needed me. If I could've come back on my own, I would have."
Bonnie smiled and Grams returned it before reminding her to get some sleep for school in the morning. Her heart felt light and full at once. She turned her light off and nestled beneath her comforter. She wasn't alone anymore. She may never be. The thought filled her with a deep contentment that followed her into sleep.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Sidebar - I say that Jer can walk through her premonitions and not her dreams because the spirits could affect her premonitions as well. I hope you enjoyed.