Postman Butters Delivers Apologies
This takes place after the episode "Going Native."
It's 9AM and Butters Stotch has stood up in front of the entire class to deliver apologies he told Kenny he'd deliver shortly before both boys left the island.
"I Leopold Butters Stotch am standing before my class to issue well deserved apologies. I'm in my postman uniform for the symbolic purpose."
Butters takes a deep breath and says "Stanley Quinton Marsh I said to you that you only cared about your image. That was obviously a statement completely false and disgusting. Even if you are image conscious well you have a very good image. You make great grades and you're a master at sports. When I was being bullied you threw your image aside on my behalf to make an anti-bullying video. That was brave of you. You also have a legit relationship with Wendy Testaburger. Wendy in turn you can be proud of your big man and when you wake up in bed over the weekend because your man is spending the night don't be afraid to breathe his morning breath or his arm pits because those are your man's natural fragrances."
The kids start to laugh and Wendy wipes a tear of joy but Stan stands up and says "Butters I must say that was the most sincere apology I've received in my life but honestly the talk about Wendy and I in bed together was not needed."
Stan sits back down.
Mister Garrison says "let's move on to your next apology Butters."
Butters turns to Mister Garrison and says "Mister Garrison I owe you an apology for disrupting your class. I do live a tough life and I know you live a tough life because we both have issues with our dads."
Mister Garrison comments "sometimes your dad can do special things to you and you'll feel like a little bitch but you'll be so happy inside."
Mister Garrison starts fantasizing back to when he was molested by whom he thought was his dad but was in reality Yoko Ono.
Butters asks "Mister Garrison how can you be happy if your dad abuses you like a little bitch?"
Mister Garrison replied "you'll understand when you're older but go on with your apologies."
Butters looks at Kyle and says "I'm sorry Kyle for calling you an expert. It's no crime to be an expert."
Butters says in a gooey voice "you're a big know it all Jew expert yes you are."
Cartman says "awe Butters is flirting with you Kyle oh my Kenny is going to get jealous."
Butters turns to Cartman and says "at least I don't dress up like Britney Spears and pledge to be Justin Timberlake's bitch."
The class laughed and made "owing" sounds.
Butters turns to Kenny and says "Kenny I respect you the most out of all my classmates because you work hard and endure through poverty and I've seen you face situations of life and death head on."
Kenny smiles and thinks "Butters if only you could remember my death situations."
Butters turned and said "Cartman I do owe you an apology for my outburst in your face. I know we don't always get along like just a minute ago but we need to follow the school rules about being civil to each other."
Butters then stated "I hereby apologize to my entire class in general for being so rotten!"
Before Butters sits down he says "wait, hold up Craig Tucker shortly before being sent to the principal and my parents taking me out of school for an extended leave I threw crayons at you. That was wrong and I'm sure you're still out to kick my ass like you said oh wait you said you'd rip my fucking heart out."
Craig looks up and says "maybe you should apologize to a student who's not in this class."
Butters said "what" really fast.
Craig looked Butters in the eye and said "Scott Malkenson deserves an apology from you."
Butters said "oh Craig I feel like you've already ripped my fucking heart out. How can I face him? He's so fragile."
Craig says to Butters "looks like I already ripped your fucking heart out."
Mister Garrison says "children let's quit saying fuck in the fucking classroom because it's fucking inappropriate."
Butters sits down and tries hard to focus on his work. He looks over at Craig and he knows that Craig has always been and always will be a tough kid. A kid who's always straight forward and if ever you are a kid in South Park and you're causing a problem he'll embarrass you for it. Butters remembered the time he and Craig duct taped the home schooled kid. Butters remembered how not long ago when the extra gym became mandatory because of a flawed system Craig told Cartman "why don't you go home and cry to your stuffed animals?"
Butters yelled out "OH AND JIMMY YOUR JOKES ARE OFTEN FUNNY!"
Right after that he ran out of the room crying.
Jimmy said "wow and I thought he'd just for-I thought he just forgot about me."
Cartman said "well Butters is just a little pussy crybaby anyhow."
Stan turned to Cartman and said "I wouldn't be talking because my girlfriend turned you into a little pussy crybaby on the playground in front of every fucking body."
Cartman was so embarrassed by Stan's comment he ran out of the room crying.
Mister Garrison said "children please be quiet we've had enough drama for today."
Token got up and said "Nicole and I had a fight last night and that's why she didn't come to school today."
Token then ran out of the room crying.
Mister Garrison yelled "OH GODDAMN IT!"
Over the intercom Principal Victoria said "Mister Garrison I heard you yell Goddamn it from your classroom all the way down the hall and that's not appropriate sir."
Then Mister Mackey gets on the intercom and says "Mister Garrison cussing in the classroom is not appropriate behavior umkay."
At that point Mister Garrison ran out of the classroom crying.
After school at 3:15 PM Butters is sitting alone by the lockers.
Stan and Kyle walk up to him.
Stan says "well Scott is right over there I think it's time mister."
Kenny walks up and says "you were brave enough to take on Mysterion you should be brave enough to take on the task of telling Scott Malkenson you're sorry for beating him up just because he has diabetes."
Kyle says "if Scott's parents decide to press charges it could be enhanced to a hate crime and we don't want to see you spend years locked up."
Butters says "stand with me on this please."
Stan puts his arm around Butters and Kenny takes off his hood and says "let's confront the victim."
Stan says "Scott Butters has something he wants to say to you."
Scott turns to Butters and his eyes are full of rage.
Butters says "Scott what I did to you was disgusting. I'm guilty of assaulting you and the reason for doing it well I thought I'd feel great beating up a kid who has diabetes and a lisp. This will be a childhood memory I will NOT treasure."
Scott said "well maybe if you carry my books for a month I'll do what I can to convince my parents not to press charges."
Butters smiles and says "deal."
Later that night Butters is watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
Linda comes into the living room and tells Butters his Grandma fell and hit her head and died from a head injury. Linda was crying her eyes out.
Butters said "oh mom to deal with this I'll need another chi chi."
Linda said "oh Butters they have vodka and that was for a family long honored tradition I can't allow you to have a chi chi."
Butters in reality is NOT upset about his psycho grandma continues with the act.
Linda says "oh alright."
Butters smiled in the kitchen as he helped himself to cocoanut milk, pineapple juice, and a bottle of vodka and says "I love chi chis."