BRING ME TO LIFE
Summary: Missing scene or rather a little piece from TSbyBS.
Okay, I know, it's nothing original, but I really wanted to write this.
Disclaimer: Jim Ellison, Blair Sandburg, Naomi Sandburg and Major Crimes gang belongs to PetFly and Paramount.
Song lyric for "Bring me to life" and "My immortal" belong to Evanescence.
/I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Coz your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase/
The elevator was out of service again, as for bad luck. Big, tall man silently prayed that there won't be any reporters outside, waiting for him, haunting him with their questions about his Sentinel abilities, trying to get some information about his "superhero" abilities. Detective Jim Ellison sighed deeply, climbing down to the first floor. He saw that painful look in Blair's eyes, which supported him all the way from the living room to the door. He could still feel it, before walking out of loft, leaving Sandburg and Naomi behind. He didn't wanted to hurt the kid, but if he would stay in there, who knows what would had happen. Right now Jim didn't think he would be able to talk reasonably. Too many feelings warred inside of him. Anger, fear and unusual sense of loss. It all was there, and he had no idea, which one was stronger.
Damn, Sandburg, how could you done this to me. . . again!
Jim unwillingly pushed the thought away. Some part of him knew that it wasn't Blair's fault. He was just as unhappy and shocked about his theses becoming public as Jim was. And who could imagine that Naomi will stuck her nose in Blair's business. Okay, she always stuck her nose into her adult son's life, but this. . . this was too much. Blair wasn't a kid anymore and it was a big time for Naomi to realize that. But she still acted as if he was a helpless baby, who needs for education and pampering.
The other half of Jim kept on telling him that Blair had betrayed his trust again. Like he did not so long ago by keeping in secret Alex's existence and her being as Sentinel. The memory hit Jim without any warning. He remembered where did his actions led him in past. The image of Blair flashed before his eyes with his young friend on a campus lawn, immobile, lifeless. . .
Jim suddenly couldn't keep his balance anymore and he collapsed on steps, closing his eyes, trying to get a rid of this picture into his mind. Damn, he already made this mistake before; he already had pushed Blair away in the most hardest way he could, and it almost lead to losing his friend forever.
Friend. Not enemy, not betrayer, but friend. His best friend and partner.
Even if Jim rejected his help now, allowing the anger take over, Blair ignored it and still was hanging around, still helping him, and trying to do anything it takes to repair his mistake. What kind of friendship was that? Deep inside of his heart, Jim realized that it was something more than just friendship. Blair was his Guide, the other half of his soul since the very second his own jaguar collided with Blair's wolf, and now they were as one. And he also was like Jim's younger brother, sometimes annoying, stubborn, but always there, when Jim needed him. When they needed each other.
Pager's beeping turned him back into reality, and looking on it, Jim noticed Simon's number. With another deep sigh, he stood up and walked the final steps downstairs. He had a work to do – to protect Bartley. However, at some point he wanted to spare the troubles for Zeller and kill that little prince personally, if Megan won't rush to be the first one on this.
For the first time since he met Blair, Jim wished this Sentinel thing never had started.
In upstairs one soul remained to be left behind, crying out loud in unison with his own soul.
/How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home/
Blair stared with blank sight at place where Jim had stood just a minute ago, then glanced at mother, who stood at balcony doors, still holding mug of tea that Jim gave her back before leaving. He could see the pain in her eyes and turned his look away. Blair swallowed, trying to force back the painful scream, which threatened to break out of his chest.
All these past three years were spent in happiness. They were sharing both good and bad times. Somehow Blair had thought that Alex's lethal attack on him was the worse thing that could happen, but now he start to doubt about it. *This* was the worst. Why did Incacha taught Jim how to bring him back to life if they obviously weren't meant to be together? Why did he was choosed to be the Shaman when he did nothing but screwed up his Sentinel's life?
He barely heard Naomi's steps behind him. Jim's harsh words still echoed into his head, slowly killing him from inside. Two gentle hands laid down on his shoulders, squeezing them almost invisibly, but Blair didn't moved. He knew that Naomi just wanted to help him, but it turned out to the catastrophe. Now Jim was forced to deal with haunting by reporters, bad teasing from colleagues and impending investigation of all cases he had worked on before. And it all was his, Blair's fault.
Was there any chance to make things better? Was there something he could do in order to stop this madness? He couldn't give an answer on these questions to himself. Blair dropped his head into his hands and trembled slightly by terrible sense of loss in his heart.
Naomi sighed quietly. It was too late for apology; it wouldn't help anyway. How could she expect that Blair would forgive her destroying his friendship with Jim? Naomi slowly released soothing grip off Blair's shoulders and turned at balcony, looking at the downtown of Cascade. Her son was losing his best friend and she couldn't do anything to help him.
Naomi always had been moving from one place to another. Even after Blair's birth, she never stopped, wishing to show her little boy the world from her own point of view. As full-blown flower child, she had an open mind to various things. Their endless travelling and unstable life accustomed Blair to make his own decisions and choices. He finished his school early, in age sixteen moved to Cascade, and they both went separate ways on their own.
When Naomi found that her son is hanging around with cop, putting his own life on stake, she was scared out of her wits. But that was Blair's choice, which she accepted it with heavy heart. Soon Naomi realized that Jim is very kind man with good heart, and he obviously liked Blair. Her son had finally found a friend. Not he had no friends before, but no one of them was so close to Blair, no one cared for him so much. And now their friendship slowly - or maybe not so slowly - teared apart in small pieces. All because of her stupid and foolish curiousity.
Blair stood up and the noise turned Naomi attention. She looked back to see him walking toward the door.
"Sweetheart, are you going somewhere?" she nervously asked.
"Yeah," Blair took his jacket and placed his palm on doorknob. "I'm going to station. Jim needs me, and... I need him. "
"Blair, don't you think that we should..."
"Mom!" Blair's voice became strict and harsh. "I don't want to make it worse than it is. Just drop it, okay? I've got to go."
Naomi hadn't said a word. She watched Blair closing the door behind him, and finally let the long suppressed tears helplessly slid down her face. Why she never listened, when Blair told her to not read his thesis? She kept her promise and didn't read them personally, but. . . God, she had to know better! If Blair forbid even to her to read his paper, no one else could read them too. Why did she had to stuck her nose into this? Instead of helping Blair, she had only destroyed his life. And Jim's life too.
/Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life/
Blair entered the station, ignoring amused looks and comments from some officers, and headed to elevator. Fortunately, he was alone in there. While the metal box lifted him up to Major Crimes, he tried to prepare himself for seeing Jim if he will be there, of course. Last time when he dared to enter the place, Rafe and the others did the cruel jeering at him. Luckily Simon interrupted and made them to shut up. But Blair barely could hear their evil words. He could see only Jim who obviously ignored him, like Blair wasn't there at all. He didn't bothered himself with lifting the head and looking up at Blair, and didn't bothered to look at him, when Blair simply turned around and walked away.
It would have been a lot easier, if he had said at least something.
Blair shrugged, like dropping these memories off and took a deep breath, when the elevator stopped and he saw the similar hallway in front of him. With shaky legs, Blair walked toward the Major Crimes office. He could do this; he could walk in there.
He had to walk in there.
Just as he opened the doors, everything turned into a chaos. He instinctively ducked, when something hit the doorframe right next to his ear. Only a second later Blair realized that it had been bullet. Darting his gaze around the place, his heart started to beat frantically, seeing Megan lying on a floor with her shoulder bleeding where the bullet hit her. Blair kneeled next to her, pressing his palm against the wound, trying to stop the blood. Megan whispered his name, holding his other hand, before passing out, while Blair was shouting for medics. Looking around, he saw Jim in Simon's office. From what he could see, Simon was also on a floor and Jim was leaning over him.
Someone had called the medics and after counting the minutes, which seemed to be endless, the EMT finally rushed in. At first they took care about Simon. Then paramedic examined Megan's shot and brought them both to the hospital. Without hesitate, Jim offered Blair to ride along with him. For a moment, one beautiful moment Blair had a hope that maybe there's a chance for them. But, standing outside Simon's room in ICU, this small hope start to vanish.
"I don't think it's a good idea to be around me right now".
At some point, it didn't sounded like rejection. For Blair, it more was like attempt to keep him safe. Yeah, they both had dealt with Zeller before, and Blair had shot. He was lucky that Simon insisted him to wear kevlar vest, and Jim supported captain on one hundred percent. Without their care, Zeller would have succeeded.
On the other hand, maybe he only imagined that. Maybe his tortured mind just tried to read too much of these words. He heard the care and anxious in Jim's voice only because he wanted to hear that. Blair sighed, pressing his forehead against the cool glass window, looking at Simon.
That son of a bitch almost killed the captain and Megan. Although her injuries were not so serious as Simon's, she still was in here. And it also was part of his fault. He wanted to do something so desperately. But what he could do?
"Jim, will you ever forgive me?" he whispered, not knowing that Jim is already gone.
/Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life/
Only a couple of hours later, Blair found enough of strength within himself to return in loft. Naomi was meditating in his bedroom, apparently trying to stay off the sight. Blair closed the door behind him and stomped toward the living room. He gazed around the place, so full with memories. What if Jim will decide to throw him out again? Blair didn't think he could handle this one more time.
His look paused at the beige lock-box, where he kept his thesis. Blair stood up, unlocked it and took the papers out. He sat on the small coffee table, holding his entire life in his hands. This was the reason of beginning and the end. Beginning of the greatest friendship he ever had, and the end of it too. What was the point of continuing this? Blair stared at his completed work and considered his options.
What would happen if he decides to accept Sid's offer? He would reach his goal, his "Holy Grail", as he called it, during the second meet with Jim. Nobel prize, the movie, his doctorate. . . it would be like his every dream would come true. But...
Yes, there always was a "but". Was it all worth of losing Jim? All these things seemed to mean nothing at all, if he had to lose the only person he wanted to share this joy at that cost. If this damned Sentinel thing would break Jim's life, nothing would matter anymore. Blair placed the thesis on the couch and dropped his head into his arms. He had to make the hardest decision in his whole life.
Fulfilling his dreams or keeping the friendship.
Maybe this decision wasn't so hard at all. Blair lifted his head and let his gaze to swept all over his surroundings. *This* was the place where he belonged. He knew that from the first moment he entered the loft. In a figurative sense, of course. But during their time together, Blair became certain that their lives were bound together in the way the lives of the Sentinel and Guide should be bound. Where else he was going to go? The answer suddenly came so easily that Blair was surprised that he hadn't figured it before.
He took the thesis in hand again and looked at them one last time. He was so deep in his thoughts that only after couple of minutes he realized that Naomi was standing beside him. She looked sad and nervous.
"Will you ever forgive me for making such a mess of things?" she asked quietly, her voice trembling just a little bit.
"That's okay, mom. We're all going to be fine," Blair answered, still not really being sure of what he was saying. He didn't really think that any of them would ever be fine. Not like they used to be. Better, maybe, but not fine. Even if his decision would save the friendship, the whole mess would leave the consequence.
Naomi stomped on place, trying to figure out how to say what bothered her. Her son was sitting right there in front of her eyes, but she felt as if there was a endless chasm between them. Unable to hold her anxiety, Naomi took a deep breath and let it out, like she had learned to do in order to calm down.
"Do you still love me even with all this?" she asked quietly.
At first Blair was pretty sure he misheard that. Her mom thought that he does not love her anymore? Where did she got that from? He lifted his head and gave her a look, but seeing her eyes filled with tears, Blair put down his thesis and stood up.
"Oh, mom. Come on. Don't be silly," he hauled her into embrace and held her tight, while Naomi whispered her apology in his ear. "Of course, I do. Always."
He released the hug, still holding her hands within his. Naomi still looked desperate while Blair tried to reassure her.
"I mean, we were all doing what we thought was right. Right?" Blair gave her one of his brighter smiles. "Nothing happens in this universe randomly. It's all for a reason. That's part of what I was writing about. I always wondered if my work would ever amount to anything. If it's taught me one thing, it's taught me that Jim is right. I got it all. I got it all right here," he pointed at his heart," The brass ring. And now I know what to do. So why don't you go call Sid?"
"Okay, sweetie," Naomi swallowed, but Blair noticed uncertainty in her face.
"Yeah?" he smiled again, urging her to call.
"Yeah," this time Naomi's voice sounded clearer.
When she entered Blair's room to make a call, Blair glanced again on his thesis. He took a pencil and his notebook, preparing to make a draft of the speech he was going to tell. He had to find the right words that could repair Jim's life and maybe, just maybe his own life too.
/You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me/
Entering the bullpen, Jim felt exhausted. Those reporters were haunting him all the way from the gun shop to the station and even more of them were waiting at the department's entrance. Fortunately, no one gave them permission to get inside. Joel was hanging around with him, giving his full support and getting those bloodsuckers off his back, but still he could never replace Blair. Jim sighed and turned his attention back to the conversation with Joel, hoping to clear his mind of Sandburg. At least, for a while.
"Arson boys said the explosion was deliberately rigged. Set off by some gunpowder stored in the back," Jim said, walking into the Major Crimes and heading toward his desk.
"The body's burned beyond recognition. Could be a day or two before we get a positive I.D. You don't walk away from an explosion like that. It has to be Zeller. You know Roger Haber's missing, too?" Joel pointed out.
"You think Haber took Zeller out of the way to cut his links to Gunderson? Took the dough from the hit and he's on permanent vacation somewhere," Jim thoughtfully said, but then Rafe managed to break his world in small pieces, poking his head inside and saying only two short sentences.
"Hey, guys, Sandburg's on TV. He's giving some kind of press conference," the young detective mimicked the last two words and vanished back to watch the TV.
Hesitantly, Jim followed. When he later remembered the emotions that took him over at that moment, Jim could not quite tell if he really had to see and hear that conference, but then he could do nothing but simply stand there and absently watch, how Blair walked on a podium, holding one single paper sheet in hand.
"Hi! Thank you all for coming. I just have a short speech prepared here," Blair hesitated, swallowed, then begun to speak in clear voice. "In our media-informed culture, a scientist receives validation by having his or her work published and after years of research there is great personal satisfaction when that goal is reached," he took a breath, then continued. "However, my desire to impress both my peers and the world at large drove me to an immoral and unethical act. My thesis "The Sentinel" is... is a fraud."
Jim's mouth dropped slightly open. Did he just said, "fraud"? His best friend, who always preached that the honesty and truth is the most important things in human life, just said the greatest lies in his whole life. Jim held his breath and forced himself to listen to the end.
"While my paper does quote ancient source material, the documentation proving that James Ellison. . . actually possesses hyper-senses is fraudulent," Blair continued his speech, although Jim could tell he's barely holding the tears. "Looking back, I can say that it's a good piece of fiction. I apologize for this deception. My only hope is that I can be forgiven for the pain I've caused those that are close to me. Thank you."
He left the podium, vanishing off the camera sight. Jim could almost feel the stares of disbelief from Joel and Rafe, who stood behind, but he had no strength to talk. He just turned around and left the room, along with Joel, who came out with him. Just as Jim was about to head toward the elevator, his nightmare came into the Major Crimes. He was lucky to get a rid of Bartley, letting Joel to take care of him, so Jim could go and finally find Blair.
/I tried so hard to tell myself that your gone,
But though you're still with me, I've been all alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me/
Blair ignored the chancellor's words about clearing his office. He knew it was coming, and he was ready for that. The only thing he truly cared about was did Jim saw this. He comforted himself with thought that even if he didn't saw, someone in bullpen maybe did and might tell him. All these years, during his time with detective Ellison really had taught him that there are some things much important than some diploma or grade. Material things couldn't be compared with spiritual treasures.
He didn't wanted to go to the station, so he choosed the second place he wanted to be. Blair drove to the hospital, hoping that there might be some news about Simon and Megan. Some good news, for a change.
He had to wait in corridor, until the doctor came out and told him that Simon will be all right. Over doc's shoulder, Blair could see how they brought captain to his room. He was still unconscious after the surgery, but it went well.
Blair never noticed how the door behind his back opened and Jim came in. The detective just stood there and looked at the man who just had sacrificed his whole life in order to repair Jim's. He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat, and slowly approached his friend.
As the doctor walked away, Blair turned and startled a bit, seeing the tall man behind his back. However, he quickly got a grip on himself and greeted Jim with weak smile.
"Hey," Blair said. "The doc said the surgery went well and the bullet missed major organs on both of them, but, uh, he said they can leave in about a week or two."
"Thank God," Jim sighed, still not being sure of what else to say.
"So, I heard you guys probably got Zeller," Blair apparently was making some casual conversation, like nothing had happened.
"I don't know. Somebody probably got him," Jim answered, although Zeller was the last thing he was worrying at the moment. "We still got Bartley to contend with. I don't know which one's worse," he tried to joke, but Blair didn't smiled, just kept on staring somewhere behind Jim's legs. Detective swallowed, then spoke again. "I saw your press conference."
This finally caught Blair's attention. "Oh, yeah, you saw it? It's just a book," he shrugged.
"It was your life," Jim improved.
"Yeah, it was," young man bent down his head, then shrugged again. "You know, you were right. I mean, uh, I don't know what I was expecting to do with it, and, uh," he weakly chuckled. "I mean, where do I get off following you around for three years pretending I was a cop, right?"
"This self-deprecation don't suit you, you know," Jim looked at his friend closely, and his next words finally made him to lift his head up and look into Jim's eyes. "You might have been just an observer, but you were the best cop I've ever met and the best partner I could have ever asked for. You've been a great friend and you've pulled me through some pretty weird stuff."
"Thanks," this time Blair's smile was brighter and happier than before.
Jim glanced toward his captain's room, then back to Blair, who once again stared in floor.
"Are you ready to get busy?" he asked.
Blair looked up to the taller man in from of him. With those few simple words, he knew he did the right choice. He maybe gave up his dissertation, his work and to be honest, he also gave up everything he's been working on the past several years, but eventually it was all worth of sacrificing. By refusing his past, he received in return the most greatest treasure in the life - his friend.
His bright eyes smiled at Jim, answering on his question without the words. And detective smiled back. They didn't need the words to understand each other. Their souls were speaking louder than anything. Jim motioned toward the door, and they walked out together, side by side, ready to walk their common path, which laid in front of them. Blair's heart was joyful.
He finally had found his Holy Grail. His Sentinel. His friend.