Don't own it
Sorry to those of you who were reading Fire and Ice. I just couldn't get into it that well. I couldn't work out the whole Renessme being ten/eighteen years old thing. This story kept sticking to my head. So after conversations with my confidant Sabrina, I decided to scrap Fire and Ice and go with the story that has been sticking in my head. This chapter came a lot easier. I hope you enjoy.
I wasted six months of my life mourning over a boyfriend who brought me nothing but pain. I can't believe I did that. Then I get close to another boy who isn't happy being just my friend and then drops out of my life. When I do confront him he tells me we can't be friends. He also alludes to knowing what Edward and his family was. I guess he finally believed the legends. I wonder what changed his mind? Jake was as much an ass as Edward was. But at least I didn't have romantic feelings for Jake. Still he was my only friend and rejection stung. I suppose I should be used to it by now, but…rejection is a little hard to get past. I only wanted to be wanted.
I really didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. Charlie made me see a psychiatrist. Or psychologist. I always get them confused. This one wanted me to talk nonstop while he nodded his head and wrote something on a pad every few minutes. I made up a story about going to Arizona and falling through a window. He kept pushing so I told him Edward threw down the stairs because he was angry I left him. Why did I throw Edward under the bus, so to speak? Because fuck him, that's why. I get my leg broke and thrown into glass, and bit by a vampire because of him and he leaves me in the fucking woods? It's not like the police are ever going to find him anyway. This is supposed to be confidential regardless. The therapist says I was in an abusive relationship with a controlling, violent man and I now had post-traumatic stress syndrome. No shit. Maybe that's where the anger and depression came from. It can be quite traumatic to be attacked by a vampire and then dumped by one. Then I run after him in the woods knowing I can't catch him. How pathetic and stupid is that? I think Jake saying he wanted nothing to do with me was a slap in the face that I desperately needed. I had allowed myself to become such a pathetic person why would anybody want to be around me? My old friends at school treated me like a pariah even when I tried to hang out with them. I can't blame them. I ignored them for months and then when I do show up I still mope around. Who the hell wants to be around that? It was time to make some major life changes. I needed to get out. I needed to do things without depending on others. I needed to find myself. Maybe if I started liking myself I wouldn't be so repellant to others. Maybe I should have gone to Florida with Renee. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I stood up from the chair I had been sitting in, staring out my bedroom window watching the rain. I walked to my closet door and did something I tried to avoid as much as possible. I stared at myself in the full body length mirror that was hanging from the door.
I looked like shit.
I mean I really looked like shit.
I was thin. Much to thin.
And I looked like a freaking vampire with the deep blue bags under my eyes and extremely pale skin. Paler than I usually am.
And my hair looked oily and tangled.
My clothes were draped on my body making me look like I lived on the streets.
I had also started smoking cigarettes. So I wasn't exactly looking healthy.
And I had been drinking. I mean as long as I was having a self-help meeting with myself I may as well be honest. There was a small liquor store between La Push and Forks. That guy would sell to anyone with breasts.
I discovered beer sucked. I mean it really tasted…ugh.
Jack Daniels Black on the other hand. Straight, smooth and got me to the point I wanted to be with not much effort.
I needed to get out of this house. I suddenly wanted to play in the rain. I couldn't exactly do that here without Charlie getting suspicious and sending me to the big mental hospital in his dreams. I know he loved me but I have made his life hell I'm sure. I can't imagine that he would want me around. I mean he tried to get Renee to take me once already. If not for a fit of massive proportions I would be a Floridian right now.
Where to go? I had a half bottle of Jack in my truck. I needed a place where no one would see me who knew me. That left out La Push and Forks. Where oh where… then I had it.
I would confront my demons. I would go to the Cullen house. I could sit in my truck, say goodbye and get drunk. It would also give me the privacy to hang out all day until I sobered up and could drive home safely and hide my love of alcohol from Charlie should he look up from the TV. He had smelled cigarettes on me on multiple occasions but never said anything.
I drove slowly. This may be a stupid idea. But if I was going to move on I had to say goodbye on my own terms.
I pulled in the drive surrounded by trees. I drove about a half mile in when I noticed something I had never seen before. A chain link gate in the middle of the drive. It looked like it had a small lock around it holding the two sides together.
Breaking and entering Bella? Don't mind if I do.
I backed up about a quarter mile and then hit the gas driving forward. I suppose the gate could have popped off and hit my windshield but I didn't exactly think this through. More of a spur of a moment decision. I hit the gate and never slowed down. The lock was really flimsy. I didn't slow down. That was kinda fun. I skidded to a stop in front of the Cullen mansion. I parked and got out in the rain. I pulled my tailgate down and sat with my bottle. I thought I would have some breakdown when I saw it. I was prepared for some massive emotional event that would throw me deeper into depression or open my heart and set me free. Instead I saw a house. Just a house. A big house. Beautiful no doubt. But still just a house. I popped the top and took a long swig. Every time I had been here before I had been so worried if I was dressed right or if Edward thought I belonged or was good enough. I never really appreciated the house itself. At least from the outside. Like Edward. He was beautiful but on the inside he wasn't perfect. He was just a 17 year old. Edward told me once that vampires are frozen. Apparently that means emotionally as well. I know, I mean I believe that Edward left me because of what happened with Jasper. But he said some pretty mean things when he did it. But still he is a 17 year old boy who thought he was protecting me. I could understand it. Not to say I didn't hate it. Hate what he did. But I had to stop blaming myself. It wasn't me. It was him.
I let out a laugh at that thought. I must be getting buzzed. But I suddenly wished I could tell him that. It isn't me Edward. It's you.
My therapist would be so proud. I mean he probably wouldn't appreciate the Jack Daniels but if he let me drink during sessions we would get much more work done. I have my best breakthroughs drunk off my ass.
I leaned back on the bed of my truck and lit up a cigarette now that the rain had let up. I inhaled the nasty smoke and let it go. I really had no idea why I did this. It tasted like crap and yet I couldn't get enough of it. Maybe another metaphor for Edward? I was full of them today.
I was his personal brand of heroin. He was my personal brand of cigarettes. He was bad for me. Most likely going to cause my death. But I kept buying and smoking didn't I?
Virginia slims would be my guess. My favorite was Marlboros. But he was way to pretty to be a Marlboro. Yep I was definitely getting drunk.
I sat up to take another drink and nearly dropped my bottle. There she was. One of three faces I would never forget if I lived to be a hundred years old.
"Hello Bella. Is this a private party or can I join in?"
"Uhh, hi Victoria?"
She was still gorgeous as she was the last time I saw her. And still as deadly looking. She was smiling at me. Her hair was wild and deep red. Blood red. Just like her eyes.
"It's good to see you again Bella. I have been watching you. Wanting to get you alone."
"W... w… why?" I had a feeling I knew.
"I want to apologize."
Okay, I didn't see that coming.
"Apologize for what?" I stuttered out. I was still scared but this moment was quickly turning surreal.
"James. He wasn't supposed to attack you. He wasn't supposed to kill you. He was supposed to get you and bring you too me. He got greedy. He got sloppy. And it got him killed. And you got hurt. I didn't want that to happen."
"Uh…Okay. You're forgiven?"
Wait a minute.
"Why did you want James to bring me to you?"
"I'm glad you asked." She smiled at me and sat down next to me on my tailgate.
"You see Bella, vampires choose their mates. Edward Cullen chose you. Why he left I have no idea but I am grateful. It saves me from having to kill him. The moment I saw you in that field I knew you were mine. And I knew that Edward had no clue that you were gay."
Oh that makes… what? Huh?
"Uh, I'm, I'm not gay Victoria." I mean I realize I wear a lot of flannel but…
"Of course you are Bella. Before Edward did you have a boyfriend? Ever?"
"Not really. I mean no. But that doesn't…"
"Did you think Edward was beautiful?"
"Beautiful, Bella. Think about it. You thought he was pretty. And I agree he is. But all vampires are. What did you think of Alice and Rosalie?"
"They are beautiful. That doesn't mean I'm gay."
"Since Edward left you have been hanging out with that Indian kid. Great abs on him by the way. I heard him ask you at the movie theater to be his girlfriend. You said you loved him like a brother. The boy was sex on legs and throwing himself at you and you didn't want that? Have you been attracted to a single man before or after Edward?"
"That means nothing."
"So you don't think I'm hot? You aren't attracted to me right now?"
"No. Scared yes. Attracted no." Shit I hope she doesn't eat me for that. I really have to watch what my drunk ass says here.
"That's not fear I smell on you Bella."
I had to stop and think about that. Damn, that's embarrassing. Maybe I can't get excited unless my life is in danger. That would certainly explain a lot.
"Well I am drunk."
"You're not that drunk. Look Bella, I don't expect to come in her and sweep you off your feet. I could just bite you and turn you. Then you would understand. I'm not saying you don't like guys at all. You may be bi sexual for all I know. I've experimented with guys too. James was one. He had a nice pony tail. But you know and I know you want me. And I want you. You won't feel as bad as you do anymore Bella. Don't let him bring you down. He wasn't who you were meant for. I mean I'm not just talking about the whole having a dick thing either. He was controlling. I could tell that by looking at the way he hovered around you."
"Well in his defense there were three human eating vampires there. One of whom called me a snack."
"I'll give you that Bella." She smiled at me. "So you are saying he wasn't controlling?"
"I mean, maybe a little."
"Please girl. All vampires are possessive and controlling. And he was so insecure I bet he was trying to control every aspect of your life. Am I wrong?"
"Wait. What? What do you mean he was insecure?"
"He was insecure. I could tell by looking at him. It was obvious. I mean he reads minds. He knows what people think about him. How can that not make someone insecure?"
I tilted up my bottle and took another long drink. This conversation had definitely crossed the border into crazy land.
"So what makes you think I'm your mate or whatever?"
"You are. Because I chose you. When I turn you, you will understand."
"Look Bella. I'm going to give you until the end of the school year. I'll be around and we can get to know each other. If you really don't want me, tell me at the end of the school year. I'll leave and you won't see me again. Maybe. I may kill you. I mean I do kind of have a temper and you know how much rejection sucks."
"Thanks for the…you know… honesty….I guess."
"Yeah I definitely smelt fear on you then. Look it's not a big deal. I will always be honest with you. I mean there are four ways this could go. You can accept that you are gay or Bi or whatever and I could turn you and we can have some serious fun for the rest of existence. I mean Bella have you ever had a real orgasm? Girl, the things I could show you. Or you could reject me and I leave. Or you could reject me and I kill you in a fit of rage. Or I could stalk you for the rest of your life and kill anyone you get close to. I would like to think I would be the bigger person and just leave you alone. But it is important to know thyself Bella. And I have to say I know me and…well that doesn't matter. Give me a chance. That's all I'm asking?"
I felt at this point that I didn't really have a choice. I mean… she did have some good points. I have given an inordinate amount of time contemplating the beauty of other women. But I liked guys. Right? Maybe I don't throw myself after every guy but that didn't mean I don't find guys did I even want to be a vampire? I thought I had but really now? I mean did I want to or was it just to be with Edward? Still, this beats her wanting to kill me and she was pretty. I mean, she was…See there I go again. Dammit!
"Of course…I uh would like to get to know you. Uh, you may decide you don't like me, you know?" Yeah maybe that would work. Course then she would probably just eat me. I mean like drink my blood, not the other…Dammit I'm drunk! Get your head out of the gutter Bella. This is serious!
"I tell you what Bella. This Saturday, be ready at 9:00 AM. I'm going to pick you up and we are going to hang out. Maybe go to a movie or the Mall and hang. You can even get drunk if you want. My treat."
"Hey you wanna see me eat a guy? Or a girl? Is there anyone you go to school with that you don't like?"
Well there is Lau…Stop it Bella! This is serious.
"No. I would probably rather not see that Victoria." She looked sad. Great. I almost feel guilty for making the murderous vampire sad. God what is wrong with me?
"Well we will have fun anyway. You will see. See you in two days lover." She kissed me on the lips so fast I almost didn't see it and was gone.
I did the only thing I could think to do in that moment. I finished the fucking bottle and lit up another cigarette.
The next day I woke up with a major headache. I came home after sobering up yesterday and found Charlie was working the night shift. So I would be alone all night. Great. I went to my favorite shopping establishment and embellished in the spirits again. A little too hard last night. My mouth was dry. I needed a drink of something other than alcohol. But there was no way after the day I had yesterday that I was going to school. I called in to school and faked an illness. I don't think they would appreciate me staying home because of a hangover.
I went back to sleep after downing a few Tylenol and a large glass of water. When I woke up Dad had left for work again. It was noon. I didn't feel like sitting here. I had a lot to think about. I needed to get away. And I couldn't exactly stay in Forks since I was "sick".
La Push it was. First Beach sounded good about right now. I stopped at a store as soon as I got into La Push and picked up another pack of cigarettes. No alcohol today. I wasn't a total lush. At least not yet.
I drove to the parking lot of the beach and headed down towards the driftwood Jake and I always used to sit on. I plopped down in the sand and rested my back against the wood. Lighting up a cigarette I breathed Edward in and breathed Edward out.
Was Victoria right? I mean sure I find I have an appreciation for other women but I've never tried to hit on any. And yeah I did find her beautiful. Frightening, but beautiful. Course I haven't really felt attracted to any guy either except Edward. It was strange. I mean the one guy I was attracted to was the one guy I knew I couldn't go very far with before he jumped back at super speed towards my bedroom wall and then tried to leave.
I thought I was alone with my thoughts. Right up until I heard…
"Bella what the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay away." Good old Jake.
I turned and saw him and his posse walking up.
"Uh you told me to stay away from you. This is a public beach so you can go fuck yourself. I was here first."
"This is my Rez."
"Maybe but it is still a public beach so I reiterate. Go fuck yourself."
"Does Charlie know you smoke now?" This bastard was judging me?
"Does Billy know you walk around half naked with an equally half naked group of guys all the time?"
"Jake let's just go." I heard who must have been Sam Uley say.
I looked up at him. There was one asshole who was grinning. Sam looked concerned. The other asshole was looking at the ground. Jake was pouting. And then I saw…was that? Embry? I knew he had joined Sam's gang but I didn't realize how damn fine his ass had…he looked me in the eyes and I was stuck. Oh my God. He wouldn't look away and I couldn't either. He was freaking gorgeous. Take that Victoria.
Oh shit Victoria! Stalking everyone I get close to. Can't have that.
"No you didn't!" I heard Jake yell. He got in Embry's face cutting off my view. Sam was pulling him away. Or trying to. Jake was pissed about something. Guess he didn't like Embry looking at me.
"She is mine!"
"What did you just say Jacob Black?"
"I said you are…"
"Yeah that's what I thought you said. We were only friends. And you said you didn't want to be friends anymore."
"That wasn't my choice!"
"To damn bad! Doesn't change a thing. Now if Embry wants to look at me or talk to me…" or any damn thing else he wants to do to me…"That's his decision. Now back off."
"Jake leave her alone." Embry said, sorta growling at him. That was kind of hot. But unfortunately this was getting a little weird for me.
"Fuck you. You're supposed to be my friend."
"Jake you know he has no control over it. It's destiny. It's meant to be."
"Bull shit. He liked her way before this! Every time she would leave my place and he was there he would talk about how perfect she was."
"Wow. That's sweet Embry. You know I kind of always liked you too. And I love the haircut. And the tattoo. But I have to go. This whole possessive scene you guys got going on is driving me crazy and I really don't need any more drama in my life."
"Bella wait!" I turned and saw Embry looking at me. Jake was seething.
"Would you like to go out tomorrow?"
A big part of me wanted to say yes. A bigger part of me was pissed off at these guys for ruining a perfectly good beach sitting moment of contemplation. I shouldn't have done it. I really shouldn't have. It was stupid. It was wrong. Embry had done nothing to me. But the whole situation and yesterday with Victoria had me on edge.
"I can't Embry. I already have a date."
"Who is it?" He whispered. Jake turned and looked intently at me as well. I can't believe these guys think my personal life is there business.
"It's with my girlfriend."
"Your GAY!?" Embry and Jake both yelled at the same time.
"Yep, sure am." Let them chew on that. I'm such a bitch.
"Who is she Bella?" Jake asked. Guess he wanted the scoop so he could run home to Billy and tell him. Hehe.
"Not that it's any of your business but you don't know her. Her name is Victoria. She has beautiful long red hair and lean long legs and…anyway, you wouldn't know her. She just recently moved to Forks."
They were staring at me. Jaws opened. I casually rubbed my nose to make sure nothing was there.
"Anyway, it's been real fun guys. Take care."
I walked to my truck and got in. I wonder what Victoria would think if she knew I finally found a guy I was genuinely attracted to?
She would kill him. I should probably keep this to myself.