You know, originally, I wanted to make an entire collection of these one-shots and put it in one story, but I realized I'm not even half that full of inspiration.
So here's a random one-shot which occurred to me when I heard my sister in the other room screaming continuously "THIS MAKES NO SENSE!"at her computer screen while reading a story.
It's nothing special and not all that funny, really, just wrote this on a whim.
If you're offended by this, well, sad fucking day for you. Cry some more.
For those of you who can appreciate a joke, read on and enjoy!
(Includes one of my OCs from a separate story, just ignore it if you haven't read it for the sake of this story. If you have read that separate story and know this OC, let's just say this was one of the "bonus scenes" which you never got to see because I was too lazy to type them out.)
Suzan gazed blankly at the laptop's screen as she read what was, probably, one of the most nonsensical stories she'd ever seen on the internet. She was sitting on her armchair in the living room, her expression seemed so aghast that Deidara, who'd been sitting on the couch and watching TV right next to Hidan, peeked over at the brunette woman in curiosity.
"What's the matter, yeah?" he asked with a slight frown. The expression of befuddlement on Suzan's face turned into one of amusement. When the two Uchiha brothers entered the living room through the kitchen door, she shot one glance at them, and burst into a series of chuckles and giggles. Sasuke glared at her, a little puzzled at the sudden outburst, and Itachi raised his eyebrows slightly.
"H-hey, Sasuke, I didn't know you had a twin-sister." she told him, trying to suppress her laughter. Sasuke raised an eyebrow as all occupants of the room looked at her in confusion.
"I don't. What's this about?" he demanded to know. Suzan smirked mischievously and started to read the story aloud.
"Sasuke was Setsuko's twin brother. They were a lot alike in many ways–"
"Give me that." Sasuke snapped, pulling the laptop out of her hands as she snickered, and he skimmed over the contents, Itachi looking over his shoulder.
"Ah. It's one of those fanfictions." his older brother noted, while Sasuke blinked several times as he read it over.
"This makes no sense." he decided after reading a whole paragraph.
"What? What does it say?" Hidan inquired, his interest piqued at the exchange. Suzan stood up and took the laptop back out of his hands, reading aloud the sentence of another paragraph.
"Their father never wanted a daughter and treated her horribly– oh woe is me! Daddy didn't love me!" Suzan mocked the story, and Sasuke looked almost indignant.
"Father wouldn't do that." he stated coolly.
"Itachi… didn't know who… Setsuko's fiancé was but he knew that his name was Neji… Hyuuga?!" Suzan nearly dropped the laptop as she laughed at this, and Itachi blinked, a slight frown on his face.
"The Hyuuga clan would never agree to such an arrangement." the older Uchiha said, almost as if he were correcting the author, save for the fact the author wasn't even present in the first place.
"It… it gets better! Oh my god…. Setsuko was also shunned by the entire village because she was the… Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi."
"What…?" Sasuke's scowl deepened, as Suzan laughed at him.
"Sasuke, your twin is the neglected Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi! Isn't that just awesome?" she teased him, and skipped ahead in the story.
"This… this makes no sense."
"Hey, they're your crazy fangirls." Deidara remarked with a sly grin, to which Sasuke answered with an intense glare.
"So Setsuko ran away from her home, because she did not want to be married to– Hold on, where the hell does a six year old run off to and survive?"
"She's the six year old container of the Kyuubi and she just managed to slip away? Damn, Konoha's security sucks balls." Hidan said as he zapped through the channels, and Suzan snickered at the overall stupidity in the story.
"Aw, Sasuke, she ran away on your birthday, isn't that sad?" Suzan pestered him.
"Don't push it." he snapped in return, the story starting to get on his nerves. Itachi seemed pretty amused, however.
"It's just a story, Sasuke." He tried to calm his brother down.
"I know that!"
"Hmm… she returns to the village after the massacre, Chuunin exams, blah blah blah… oh! Sasuke, apparently she kicks your ass. In one blow."
"Whoever wrote this…." he growled, not finishing his sentence as he narrowed his eyes. Suzan continued reading it.
"Hey Itachi, you actually showed up now with Kisame." Suzan noted, then reading over his lines. A roar of laughter escaped her lips and this time she would've dropped the thing had Itachi not caught it and read it for himself.
Two black eyebrows rose rather high, and this time Deidara got up and peered at the screen to look at what the fuss was about. An ear-splitting grin was plastered on his face as he read out fictional Itachi's lines.
"You will know really pain, foolish little sister! SUFFER! HA HA HA HA!"
"Really pain?" Itachi repeated, all trace of amusement gone. "I doubt I'd make such a blatant grammatical error."
At the same time, Hidan nearly fell off the couch from laughing so hard as Deidara snickered to himself. Sasuke was just rubbing his temples at this point, but Suzan poked Deidara's shoulder.
"I wouldn't laugh so soon if I were you." she said to the bomber with a wink, skipping ahead on the story some more and pointing at a specific paragraph where it described where Setsuko had ended up when she'd ran away. Hidan was the only one lazy enough to stay on the couch as the others had surrounded the laptop which Itachi was holding.
"Deidara found her and took her in when she was ten years old and they fell in love." Itachi read out in a complete monotonous voice.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Deidara yelled at the screen.
"Wouldn't you be around seventeen around that time?"
"Exactly! Why the hell would I date a ten year old, yeah?!"
"Because it's true love, Dei!" Suzan cooed sardonically as she and Hidan again laughed at his face which was nearly reddening in anger at the ridiculous story. He spun around and turned to Sasuke, pointing at him with his finger right in his face.
"YOU! Control your damn fangirls! This is fucking ridiculous – I don't date little children! I'm not Orochimaru, yeah!"
"I also resent my dialogue." Itachi added dryly. "I would never say something that embarrassing." Sasuke looked from one to the other, somewhere between confused and royally pissed.
"You think I like seeing this? It's not like I can do anything about it." he stated in his defense, and Suzan got an idea.
"Wow. First all that gay art, now this. Wasn't there one with you and Ita-"
"Shut it!" Sasuke snarled at Hidan, who snickered in amusement while both the Uchiha brothers remembered the fanart they'd seen a while ago. Itachi had a mild look of disgust on his face as he looked away as his younger brother was fuming.
"Well, you could always send them a letter and tell them to stop." Suzan suggested, and they all looked at her.
"A letter?" Sasuke asked, intrigued. "How?"
Title: To all Sasuke Uchiha fans
Category: Anime/Manga » Naruto
Author: Sasuke Uchiha
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Chapters: 1, Words: 299
To my fans,
Some of you are sick and absolutely disgusting. To make this perfectly clear: me and my brother will never have that kind of repulsive relationship. We do not appreciate you drawing your appalling art to satisfy your own sick needs. If I ever find any of you and see you on the street, I will exact my revenge, and it will be very slow and painful.
I don't have a relationship period. If it would be with anyone, it would not be with any person from the Akatsuki, not with that idiot Uzumaki, and certainly NOT with my former teacher. He's thirty years old and addicted to porn. How sick are you?
Another thing, I do not have a (twin) sister. I don't know why you would make this up, but it sounds moronic and serves no other purpose than stupid entertainment for the equally dumb masses. If you're going to attempt such a thing, at least make it realistic.
Then to my haters.
Actually, I don't care about those.
Also, to any of you who decide to write about Itachi, do not give him ridiculous lines, do not make him a generic evil villain and do not make him otherwise insane or hyperactive. It's embarrassing to read and a disgrace to my brother.
That is all.
P.S: Deidara here, and I wanted to say I DO NOT DATE YOUNG CHILDREN! I also have nothing with Sasori or Itachi or fucking Tobi! Stop writing that crap! Seriously!
P.P.S: hey this is hidan! forget everything on this page, write all the crazy shit you like its hilarious! except that shit with me and kakuzu, that's totally bullshit if i ever see any of you crazy bitches I WILL sacrifice you to jashin BITCHES!1! YOU HAvE BEEN WARnED!11!
That was it, I suppose. Something fun to waste my time with, hope you enjoyed it :)