"I know," agreed Harry. "I'm pretty damn gallant." "You are," added Ron. "Don't you agree, Hermione? He he. That rhymes." "I think Harry is a hot piece of ass. However, I'm a feminist and I refuse to say that cause than I'll be.I don't know. Weird." "Anyway.your quest. You must go into the woods and bring back.One-the cape as red as.I don't know. Something red," pondered Dean deeply. "Like.blood?" asked Hermione, ever the smart ass. "NO, more of a burgundy. Two, the ferret as white as milk." "Like an albino?" "Err. sure. And three, the bra as gold. as Madonna!" "Pardon?" "You heard me correctly. You know, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. The funnel bra. Anyway, bring me these items three before the stroke of midnight in three days time, and you shall have, I guarantee! A child as perfect as children can be." "But I don't want a child," pouted Harry. "I want to join the KKK." "Oh, right. I mean.you can join the club. And if one of you gets pregnant, well, we're not responsible. Okay? GO TO THE WOOD!" "How about we don't?" asked Hermione. Hermione marched up on the stage and grabbed Dean by his ear. "Listen, BUDDY," she hissed. "Why don't you march into those woods and get the items yourself, you lazy, good for nothing,

chauvinistic pig?"

"Cause I already did my task," said Dean smugly "Cocky asshole," muttered Hermione. Anyway, POOF. The three comrades disappeared into a giant ball of smoke. They found themselves immersed in lot trees. "Guys, if I was a dendrophiliac.." Commented Ron. "This would be heaven." Harry eyed Ron. "Not that I am one," "So. where are we?" asked Hermione. ". The forbidden forest!" cried Harry. "Well, what are we supposed to do here?" asked Ron impatiently. "Um.we need the items." "What were they?" "You don't remember?" asked Hermione in disbelief. "The cow as white as milk the cape.no, I don't remember either." "I know there was a bra involved," ventured Harry. He looked at Hermione. "Do you mind?" "Yes!" she screamed at the top of her lung, "Rape! Rape! RAPE!!" "It wasn't rape last night, Hermy." "Well.we need an albino," she suddenly remembered. "Wearing a bra?" "I guess." "And. something red." Added Ron. "Okay. So a red albino. .With a bra," "Or. albino wearing a red bra," said Ron "OR," added Harry, trying to seem intelligent. "A red bra wearing an albino." "How would that work?" mused Herm. "Well," pondered Harry, "it would be a really big bra. Unless... it was a small albino." "In the cups?" commented Hermione. "I don't know.. we'll have to wait and see." Suddenly.there was a really big poof. "Hot damn! Will people quit poofing around?" asked Hermione, rubbing her eyes, "I'm going to develop lung cancer from secondhand smoke." "Shut up," snapped... "VICKY?" gasped Hermione. "Vicky? That's a wussy nickname. It is not nearly as manly as.Harry," proclaimed Harry. "But. I thought that Harry was your real name!" protest Ron. "Its. Harr-ee.. Err.. Sion.. Err. eee.." Stuttered Harry, "Fuck." Hermione squealed. "Your name is Harrison!" "Um..yeah. That's it." Secretly, Harry was glad. Harrison was so much better than Harrysioneryfuk. Anyway.Viktor was there. "Anyway.I'm the head of the KKK division in Bulgaria. And you guys are so hopeless, I've decided to take pity on your stupid British souls and remind you that you need the cape as red as red, the ferret as white as an albino and the bra that looks like Madonna's. Okay? Oh," he added. "The bra must be golden." "Viktor, how can you do this to me?" sobbed Hermione. "You must know the effect your appearance has on me." "What do you mean?" questioned Vicky with his thick attractive accent. "Don't you know?" wept Herm, "Even if you were sexually abusing. even if you are gay and pose for those dirty swim suit magazines.. Does not mean I still don't love you! Oh woe is me!" Her tears watered the ground. "And now.just as I have come to turns with my feminism and gotten over you and started to want Harry.you reappear. Vicky, you must know what you do to a young girl's heart!" "Well.I do need a favor for giving you this information." "What kind of favor?" asked Ron, growing jealous. "A sexual favor." "Oh, okay then." "Are you free a week from Thursday?" asked Hermione. "Yeah, sure." "See ya.' POOF.

"That. was. odd," said Ron. Harry burned with rage. Oh. he loath Vicky Krum, the way he used to soak his legs in buttermilk... the fire burned within him. "So. people," said Herm getting over the sexyness of the guy, "We.. Will spilt up," "Split up?" asked Ron, "Why?" "Well." began Harry. "YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE...YOU ARE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO KRUM!" wailed Ron. "Ron, that was over the summer." Harry's eyes grew misty. "We began our days by making sweet love on the dunes of the cape...his legs are so silky..." "Too much information," declared Hermione. "I screwed him too, you know. And you're right. His legs remind me of smooth..whipped vanilla "Milkshakes?" supplied Harry. "YES!" moaned Hermone. "And when he began sexually abusing me, I felt." "Worthless.dirty? LIKE NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR CHEST AGAIN?" "Exactly," sobbed Hermione. She and Harry fell into each others eyes, sobbing. Ron felt left out. "I did McGonagell once, you know." Harry laughed. "Don't feel special. Minerva does everyone." "I see," said Ron, feeling a bit put out. "Well..lets go find the shit." "Okay." And the happy yet sexually disgruntled trio disappeared into the woods.