The disclaimer telling all of you that I do not own any GI Joe characters except for a few obvious OC's is off telling some story to the police. Just more madness from my tiny little mind.

Cobra Commander And The Bedtime Story

"Excuse me? You want me to do what? When?" Cobra Commander asked in an icy tone.

"Listen," The Countess said. The blonde Eastern European woman glared at him with one eye. "You need to read my twins a bedtime story. Tim and Tom have to go to bed and you have to do it."

"Why me?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Because I have to go out and track down my runaway daughter!" The Countess snapped. "I've got a lead on her position."

"Countess maybe I should go after her?" Rescindar asked. He was standing in the hallway with Destro. "I am her father after all."

"Only by an accident of genetics," The Countess snapped. "You haven't done any real parenting in years!"

"Well neither have you!" Cobra Commander remarked. The Countess glared at him. "Seriously lady from what I have witnessed these past few weeks living here it's no wonder she ran away. In fact I'm stunned that you haven't lost more children!"

"I will go after our daughter. Let's face it Darling you do tend to start a lot of arguments with her," Rescindar cut in before the Countess could let Cobra Commander have it. "I will go after her and talk to her."

"Right! Talk her into giving you asylum!" The Countess snapped. "You won't fool me by pulling that trick again! We are both going! Destro, you and the Baroness work on that phony documentation we need for our next caper."

"What's our next caper?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Nothing you need to know about because you are going to be too busy putting the twins to bed!" The Countess snapped. "That's my twins. Not your twins. I say this because you have a tendency to screw things up!"

"Why can't they just watch a movie?" Cobra Commander asked. "Like the Empire Strikes Back. That's a classic! A feel good romp of a movie if there ever was one!"

"No," The Countess snapped. "They specifically asked for you!"

"Or even Revenge of the Sith? That's a great story with great life lessons!" Cobra Commander asked.

"What life lessons?" Destro asked.

"How to take over a democracy and turn it into an empire successfully?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "How wonderful it is to have your enemies fall at your feet?"

"Uh huh," Destro nodded.

"And the most important lesson of all: if you are going to fight your enemy to the death, don't do it on a volcano planet full of lava," Cobra Commander added. "And if you do fight your enemy on a volcano planet full of lava…When your enemy takes the high ground. Don't try to jump over him! Just turn and leave! You can fight him again another day! Somewhere where there isn't any lava!"

"Just take care of the twins," The Countess ordered.

"What about the Godfather? That's educational!" Cobra Commander said. "They could learn some history and Italian!"

"Take care of the twins. That is an order!" The Countess snapped.

"Wait a minute! Since when do you give me orders?" Cobra Commander snapped back.

"Since you leeched onto me like a remora!" The Countess poked at his chest. "Get this straight you pathetic hissing reject! I am in charge of whatever is left of Cobra now! Which quite frankly is not that much!"

"Wh-," Cobra Commander was stunned.

"You do as I say when I say it! Got it? Come on Rescindar! Let's drag our ungrateful daughter back here!" The Countess turned around.

Rescindar sighed. "It was worth a try…" He followed her.

"Destro…About your new girlfriend," Cobra Commander said.

"Yes, Cobra Commander?"

"I don't like her anymore," Cobra Commander told Destro.

"I know Cobra Commander," Destro sighed.

"I mean I thought the Baroness was bad enough but she makes the Baroness look like Mary Sunshine!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You know what I mean?"

"Yes I do, Cobra Commander," Destro sighed. "Well I'd better get to work. And you should too."

"Remind me why again we are staying here? Besides your fetish by being dominated by Eastern European women with bad eyesight?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Because Cobra is broke. And she has money," Destro informed him. "A lot of money. And a hideout for us."

"A hideout filled to the brim with brats!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And now she's going to bring back one more?"

"Not really," Destro said. "Rescindar told me he faked the information. He just wanted to get out of the house."

"Can't say I blame the man," Cobra Commander went down the hall.

"Oh Cobra Commander!" The twins Tim and Tom called out in a sing song voice. "Come read to us!"

"And I thought one set of twins was enough of a pain!" Cobra Commander trudged to the boys' room. It was decorated with items a junior mad scientist would enjoy. "This is wrong. Oh so wrong."

"But so fun for us," Tim grinned. He and his brother were in matching racecar beds.

"Just so we're clear. You're making me do this to screw with me aren't you?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Pretty much yes," Tom nodded.

"What the hell has happened to my life?" Cobra Commander moaned as he sat in a green overstuffed chair.

"We like to think of it as a cautionary tale," Tim smirked.

"Which you shall tell us," Tom smiled.

"Fine! Once upon a time there was a brilliant but misunderstood scientist," Cobra Commander said. "All he ever wanted was to make the world a better place."

"Boring!" Tim called out.

"And to get a lot of cash, girls and fast cars," Cobra Commander added.

"Better," Tom said.

"So he went out into the world to make it a better place," Cobra Commander said. "He raised a mighty army. He made fantastic inventions to help the world. A teleportation device to rearrange the world's monuments equally. A weather machine to improve weather all over the world. He even brought back the dinosaurs for crying out loud and how was his generosity repaid?"

"Here he goes…" Tim rolled his eyes.

"He was constantly besieged by muscle headed morons with small minds," Cobra Commander snapped. "Who beat him time and time again due to the fault of his employees who had even smaller minds!"

"Commander you tell better stories than this when you try to get a discount at the liquor store," Mindbender told him as he walked into the room.

"Shut up Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"You want a real story kids? I'll give you a real story!" Mindbender said cheerfully. "This story is called, Cobra Commander and the Angry Prostitutes."

"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Heard it," Tom waved.

"From who?" Cobra Commander asked.

"From us," The Crimson Twins said as one as they walked in.

"Of course you did," Cobra Commander glared at them.

"We also told them about the time you got eaten by your own mechanical sea serpent," Tomax said.

"And the time you were in Vegas with a transvestite," Xamot grinned.

"Ooh! I want to hear that one again!" Mindbender cheered with glee.

"Us too!" The younger twins chirped.

"Do me all a favor will you?" Cobra Commander snapped as he stood up. "You and the Crimson Creeps here go star in a Double Mint commercial!"

"A what?" Tim asked.

"Never mind!" Cobra Commander stormed out of the room.

He went down the hallway. "The things I put up with for money! This whole situation has gotten completely out of control! I am in charge around here! I have to take back my position! I cannot go through another Serpentor incident again! NOT AGAIN!"

Cobra Commander stopped. "Who am I kidding? It's already happened! I need to talk to Destro! He'll help me with this!"

He went downstairs to the living room. "Destro we need to talk about…WHAT THE HELL?"

He saw Destro and the Baroness making out on the couch. "Commander!" Destro realized they were not alone and sat up quickly.

"What the…?" Cobra Commander blinked. "Oh crap! This is just what I needed today! What the hell are you two doing?"

"Uh we were uh…" Destro gulped.

"Checking the figures," The Baroness added as she sat up quickly.

"Checking the figures? Whose figures?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically. "Although I think I already know!"

"She uh, had something in her eye and I was only looking at it," Destro said quickly.

"With your fly open?" Cobra Commander asked. "And your tongue in her mouth?"

"Not one of your better lies Destro," The Baroness said.

"Yeah I'm a little rusty," Destro said.

"You will be rust if the Countess finds out! You know what? I don't even care!" Cobra Commander waved and started to walk off when he stopped. "Oh hell now I have to ask! Are you two morons back together or what?"

"Of course not," Destro scoffed.

"As if," The Baroness snorted.

"Then uh, forgive me if this question sounds a bit personal," Cobra Commander said. "Why the hell were you two playing tonsil hockey just now?"

"We figured out what went wrong in our relationship," Destro said.

"Deep down, we didn't really want to have one," The Baroness said.

"Really?" Cobra Commander said. "So you're still staying with your new partners while cheating on them with your old ones?"

"That's pretty much the gist of it," Destro said.

"It's better this way if you think about it," The Baroness said. "I used to get mad at him for cheating on me. But now that it's not a real relationship what is there to get mad about?"

"And I don't have to lie to the Baroness anymore which means I can be as honest as I want," Destro said. "With her anyway."

"Uh huh…" Cobra Commander said blandly. "So you're just using each other to scratch the old itch whenever your lovers are out?"

"Exactly," Destro said. "We are no longer in a relationship but that doesn't mean we can't casually…You know? Have a little fun."

"Why ruin a good thing?" The Baroness said.

"Okay I am officially checking out of this…Whatever this is!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "I officially pronounce you Nutjob and Nutcase! Do whatever the hell you want!" He walked away.

"What's his problem?" The Baroness asked.

"What problems doesn't he have?" Destro shrugged.

"I should write a book," Cobra Commander went down the hall shaking his head. "It would have to go in the fiction section because no one would believe it but it would be a best seller by far!"