The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off somewhere doing something. There's a few OC's you will figure out. Just more madness as Cobra Commander and his band of miserable misanthropes struggle to survive. And it's about to get harder.
The Evolution of Mr. Peepers
"I hate living here!" Cobra Commander stormed down the steps to an underground lair. "Do this! Do that! Don't drink all my alcohol! Watch the stupid brats so they don't burn the place down! Work! Work! Freaking work!"
He stopped and looked around. "Since when did the Countess' place have an underground lab?"
FLASH! SIZZZLE! ZAP!
"Doesn't matter," Cobra Commander sighed at the familiar demented cackle of Mindbender. "Any lab will do for Mindbender to be comfortable in."
"It's alive! It's alive!" The Countess' twins Tim and Tom cheered as they stood on both sides of Mindbender. They were working on something on a lab bench.
"Technically it was already alive," Mindbender shrugged. "But I understand. I love saying that phrase too."
"Why am I not surprised to find the three of you together? So what ludicrous lab hijinks have you accomplished now?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Nothing major," Mindbender pointed to the subject on the lab table. "Just a little DNA augmentation experiment."
On the table was Mr. Peepers, the former drug dealing capuchin monkey on the table. The monkey looked more than a little stunned. "What did you do to it?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Nothing much. A little brain augmentation here. A little DNA variation there…" Mindbender said. "Just teaching the boys a few basics."
"Ooooohhhh…" Mr. Peeper's eyes were rolling around in his head. "Eeeeeeeeee."
"Congratulations. You made the monkey say the fifth letter of the alphabet," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "The evolution of Mr. Peepers is a roaring success!"
"Give it a few minutes!" Mindbender said. "Even forced evolution takes a few minutes to set in."
Suddenly the monkey's tail grew two inches longer and its fur grew grey with white stripes on its arms and legs. Its body grew larger by several inches. Mr. Peeper's eyes grew bigger by an inch and turned dark yellow with red irises. "That's it?" Cobra Commander snapped. "All that for a makeover?"
"I think the eyes are made to see in the dark better," Mindbender said. "To be honest I was just kind of throwing stuff in. Just to see what would happen."
"I think he looks cool!" Tom said.
"Come on Mr. Peepers," Tim picked up the monkey. "Let's go to our room."
"Yeah! You can ride our toy truck over some fire!" Tom agreed as they took him.
"Elp!" Mr. Peepers gulped.
"Did that monkey just say help?" Mindbender blinked as the twins left the lab.
"Anyone would cry for help being trapped with those twin terrors!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Have you done anything productive these past few days other than get those two out of my hair?"
"As a matter of fact I have," Mindbender went over to a small box and took out a vial. "Remember our living trash compactor we had in the RV? Well I did some tinkering with that recipe!"
"You made more Eddies?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Eddie Juniors," Mindbender pointed. "Just break the vial and watch them eat and grow. Unfortunately unlike the original Eddie they have only an hour's lifespan and dissolve completely after that. But in the hour they are alive…Whoo hoo! Just watch the destruction!"
"Well it's a step up from the monkey project," Cobra Commander grumbled as Mindbender put the vials in a box. "Come on. We need to have a Cobra meeting."
"Should we get the Countess and Rescindar?" Mindbender asked as they left the lab. Mindbender was carrying the Eddie Jr. box with him.
"This is an original members of Cobra meeting!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides those two are out looking for their runaway daughter! Who was probably smart to run off in the first place! Come on! Let's find the Crimson Twins."
"Last I saw them they were hanging out with May and June," Mindbender remarked.
"Oh god, you with the Damien Doubles and those two with the Girl Scouts gone bad!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "When did Cobra turn into a babysitting service?"
"Oh come on Commander. It hasn't been that bad," Mindbender said as they went to find the Crimson Twins. "It's been rather nice for me to teach the younger ones a thing or two."
"Mindbender, even I'm scared about what you are teaching those children," Cobra Commander said. "And speaking as someone who doesn't care a flying fig about the next generation that is saying something!"
"You are overreacting," Mindbender said.
"They beat me up, drugged me, glued me to the wall and torture me every chance they get!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If anything I'm underreacting!"
"Only because they don't like you," Mindbender said as they reached May's room. "There's nothing to be worried about."
"Wanna bet?" Cobra Commander pointed as they entered May's room.
Inside the room was a sight that made the Commander recoil. The Crimson Twins were getting a manicure from June and May. Their feet were soaking in some small tubs. "I can't believe what Sara said to Jessica about Steven and Cindy," Xamot said in a campy voice.
"I know," May said. "I mean I knew Sara was mad at Cindy for talking to Steven when he clearly likes her and not Sara."
"But that is just too much," Tomax agreed. "Ooh! How about we use some of that magnetic nail polish?"
"I'm sticking with the glitter," Xamot said. "And speaking of which did you see that outfit rock star Glenna Selani was wearing?"
"Or what she wasn't wearing!" Tomax added.
"I have Barbie dolls that wear more than that," June agreed. "Ooh the glitter is a good choice."
"I know," Xamot said. "It just makes me feel so sparkly." That when they noticed Cobra Commander and Mindbender were watching them. "Oh…Hello Cobra Commander. Mindbender."
"Okay now I'm a little worried," Mindbender admitted.
"Oh God! Will the insanity ever end?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Xamot! Tomax! Come to the kitchen! We need to talk!"
"But our nails aren't done yet," Xamot protested.
"Dry your feet and hands and get down to the kitchen now!" Cobra Commander snapped as May's cell phone rang. "Playtime is over!"
"Excuse me, this is not playtime!" Tomax bristled.
"Taking care of oneself is serious business," Xamot agreed.
"Just put your boots on and get out of there!" Cobra Commander snapped as the Crimson twins dried their feet.
"Yeah you guys better go," May said as she looked at the caller ID on her cellphone. "We really have to take this call."
"Oh why? Is Jessica having a crush on Brad and not knowing what she's going to wear to the next dance?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically. "Or maybe it's Cindy who likes Bobby who likes Carol who likes whatever stupid pimple faced moron that's out there?"
"Uh yes," May said. "Yes it is."
"Come on you two get out of there while you still have some manhood left!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. The Crimson Twins reluctantly followed after putting their boots on.
"I tell you ever since we got here Cobra has gone downhill!" Cobra Commander snapped as the Cobras made their way to the kitchen.
"It wasn't exactly going uphill before we came here," Mindbender pointed out as he sat down at the kitchen table.
"And we all know why that is!" Cobra Commander snapped as they sat down at the table.
"Well we're back," Rescindar sighed as he and his ex-wife came through the back door to the house.
"And the entire mission to retrieve our runaway daughter was a bust!" The Countess snarled. She glared at Rescindar. "But to be fair I should have known better than to listen to anything my idiot ex would say!"
"Here we go…" Rescindar sighed as he put the keys to their ship on a hook on a wall. "Time to play everyone's favorite game! Let's Blame Rescindar For Everything I've Done In Life!"
"To be fair, you do share a large part of the blame for all the crap I have had to put up with over the years!" The Countess told him.
"And knowing is a great reason to invest in ear plugs," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Oh yes! Let's ignore all of your wonderful contributions to the failure that was our marriage!" Rescindar snapped. "And don't blame me for any adultery I did because we both know you cheated on me way more times than I cheated on you and you did it first!"
"That's not the point!" The Countess said.
"That is the point!" Rescindar snapped. "Whoever cheats first loses! That's the game of marriage!"
"Personally you're both losers," Cobra Commander muttered under his breath.
"I heard that!" The Countess glared at him. "And coming from the Biggest Loser of All Time that is hardly a fair comparison! Where are our children?"
"The ones that still live here," Rescindar said. "And haven't been driven away by their mother yet."
"They're fine! They're playing upstairs and gossiping with their friends," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Nice to know you can do something right!" The Countess glared at him. "Rescindar we need to talk. Somewhere where the lackeys can't hear us!"
"You're going to have to go very far," Rescindar growled as they left the room. "Everyone on the entire continent of Australia can hear your voice!"
"I YELL BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!" The Countess yelled.
"THAT'S ALL I EVER DO IS LISTEN TO YOU! NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING BUT LISTEN TO YOU!" Rescindar shouted. "YOU NEVER SHUT UP!"
"BITE ME BOZO!"
"I WOULD BUT I DON'T WANT TO CATCH WHAT YOU HAVE!"
"I can't take this anymore. This meeting to figure out how to get the hell out of here has officially come to order! Where's Destro and the Baroness?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Who knows?" Tomax waved.
"I'm sure they are around somewhere," Xamot agreed.
"Oh yeah that reminds me," Cobra Commander said. "Yesterday I caught Destro and the Baroness making out on the couch."
"What a shock," Xamot said dryly.
"Like we didn't figure out that was going to happen sooner or later," Tomax agreed.
"So are they back together or what?" Mindbender asked.
"Not exactly," Cobra Commander sighed. "They're only together as long as it's fun for them to cheat on their new paramours with."
"So they're together but not really together?" Mindbender asked.
"Oh this is has just…" Tomax rolled his eyes.
"Become even more complicated," Xamot groaned.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "In fact it's just as well they aren't here now because they are the main topic of our meeting!"
"What do you mean?" Mindbender asked.
"Because thanks to those two we can't stay here anymore," Cobra Commander snapped. "As much fun as this has been we need to ditch the Blonde Baroness and Destro's dumber alter ego and their horde of horrible heirs and get on with our lives!"
"This isn't just because the Countess has assumed control of Cobra has it?" Mindbender folded his arms.
"I'd be lying if I didn't say it wasn't one of the top ten reasons," Cobra Commander said. "In fact ever since we got here it's been a nightmare!"
"I don't know," Xamot said.
"We rather enjoyed Australian Idol Night," Tomax said.
"And watching those Australian Top Model marathons on Saturday," Xamot added.
"Yes, yes those were amusing!" Cobra Commander waved. "The TV shows down here are fun. I admit to that!"
"And you certainly have enjoyed the quality of the scotch Rescindar has stocked up," Mindbender added.
"Enough!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm not saying we haven't had our moments of fun. But it's time for us to leave Rug Rat Land and get back on the horse! Before the one eyed horse kicks us out!"
"I still don't understand," Mindbender asked.
"Think for a minute," Cobra Commander snapped. "Destro and the Baroness are now dating The Countess and Rescindar respectively right?"
"Yes," Mindbender nodded.
"And it has been painfully clear that the only reason we are tolerated around here is because of our association with those two!" Cobra Commander said. "Right?"
"That is true," Xamot nodded.
"The Countess really hates you," Tomax agreed.
"Now those two horny morons are hooking up behind their new partners' backs!" Cobra Commander said. "Odds are sooner or later they are going to get caught and we are going to kicked back out on the street faster than the actors in a cancelled sitcom!"
"You don't think those two would be stupid enough to get caught do you?" Mindbender asked. "I mean they wouldn't be as reckless as to have their affair right under the very roof of…?"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" The Countess' scream could be heard all over the house. "DESTRO? HOW COULD YOU?"
"I'd say that is a very distinct possibility," Xamot remarked as he looked upwards.
"BARONESS? YOU…? IN MY BED?" Rescindar yelled.
"Here we go," Tomax groaned.
"YOU BASTARD!" The Countess screamed. "YOU METAL HEADED BASTARD!"
"You called it," Mindbender said to Cobra Commander.
"I think it is safe to say that our welcome has officially been worn out," Cobra Commander remarked as he got up. He casually grabbed a bottle of scotch from a cabinet.
"HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND?" The Countess snapped.
"The same way he cheated on the Baroness with her," Cobra Commander grabbed the ship keys off of the hook. "Duh!"
"I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU STILL HAD A THING FOR HER! YOU LYING TWO TIMING PIECE OF CRAP!" The Countess shouted.
"OH SHUT UP YOU POMPOUS…" The Baroness began. Then both the Baroness and the Countess were heard screaming profanities at each other.
"Look for anything valuable you can find!" Cobra Commander started going through drawers.
"Found thirty bucks in this drawer," Xamot said as he went through a drawer. "Well it is Australian money but…"
"Take it!" Cobra Commander looked through a drawer. "Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Nothing but crap in here!"
"Well I've got the Eddie Juniors and found a really good knife," Mindbender said.
"Better than nothing," Cobra Commander kept looking.
"Eddie Juniors?" The Crimson Twins said as one.
"He'll explain later!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Keep looking! We don't have much time!"
The sounds of both couples yelling at each other and fighting could be heard upstairs. Then the sounds of laser blasters being fired. "Okay scavenger hunt time is over! Grab what you've got and run!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Ooh! That's one of Rescindar's sweaters!" Mindbender grabbed a black sweater hanging on a chair nearby. "Nice!" He threw it over the box he was carrying and ran out with it.
"Let's go! Let's go!" Cobra Commander waved as he grabbed his ill-gotten gains and went out the backdoor.
"Where are we going?" Xamot asked as the Crimson Twins followed him.
"The Countess' ship! How do you think we're going to get out of here?" Cobra Commander snapped as they started to leave the house. "It's docked right over…"
"Do you hear a helicopter?" Mindbender shouted.
"THIS IS THE POLICE!" A voice boomed from a helicopter that swooped down from the sky. "DO NOT RESIST! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"
"Oh crap! RUN!" Cobra Commander screamed. "COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!"
"We're retreating! We're retreating!" Mindbender screamed as sirens were heard in the distance. "Oh crap I forgot my monkey!"
"Forget about the stupid monkey and run!" Tomax shouted.
"I SAID NOT TO RESIST AND I MEANT IT!" The voice from the helicopter boomed. It managed to hover before Cobra Commander and the others, cutting off their escape.
"Is this the end of Cobra Commander?" Cobra Commander gulped.
Suddenly the helicopter was shot at by a missile and exploded. "Apparently not!" He looked back and saw the Countess holding a missile launcher.
"That was a good shot," Mindbender said.
"Not really! She was aiming for us!" Destro yelled. He was running with the Baroness. They were both half dressed.
"DESTRO! YOU AND YOUR FOUR EYED BIMBO AND YOUR LOSER FRIENDS ARE GONNA DIE!" The Countess yelled as he prepared to fire again. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"Okay let's keep running!" Cobra Commander shouted as they ran to the ship.
"Way to go Destro!" Xamot snapped as they ran.
"You just couldn't keep it in your pants for a day could you?" Tomax added.
"Oh crap I think the Australian Army is here now!" Mindbender shouted as they dodged gunfire.
"JUST SHUT UP AND RUN! RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Somehow they managed to make it to the ship. "Get us out of here Destro!" Cobra Commander screamed as he tossed the keys to his second in command.
"With pleasure!" Destro grumbled as he started the ship. "I was getting tired of the Countess anyway."
"Yeah! We noticed!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"What the hell was that?" Destro yelled.
"An explosion! It came from the house!" Xamot said as he looked out the window.
"It looks like their ungrateful brats not only called the authorities; they're burning the house down!" Cobra Commander said.
"Uh it's not fire," Mindbender pointed out. "I must have left one of my Eddies behind!"
"BLUB! BLUB! BLUB!" A huge pile of purple ooze emitted from the wrecked house.
"You made another Eddie?" Destro asked Mindbender.
"Not exactly," Mindbender said. "You see…"
"TELL HIM LATER!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Put the pedal to the metal and let's get out of here!"
"It's not a car Cobra Commander," Destro began as he worked the controls. "It's…"
"What's happening now?" Cobra Commander looked out the window. "Hey! They had a jet and you didn't mention that? We could have used that to escape!"
"I didn't know about it," The Baroness looked out the window.
"Maybe it was parked next to the lab?" Mindbender suggested.
"What lab?" Xamot asked.
"There was a lab in there too?" The Baroness asked.
"We really should have explored that hideout better," Tomax remarked.
"Who's flying that jet?" Destro blinked. "The Countess and Rescindar are still fighting the soldiers on the ground."
"WHO CARES? LET'S GO ALREADY BEFORE WE GET CAPTURED!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Hang on!" Destro piloted the ship.
"There are two Australian Navy ships headed straight for us!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Blow them out of the water!"
"I have a better idea," Destro pushed a button. "This yacht converts into a sub, remember?"
"OOHHHH!" Cobra Commander yelled as the ship converted to a sub and quickly dove underwater.
"Okay we're underneath the ships and pulling away," Destro pulled some buttons. "Well what do you know? This ship has a cloaking device of some kind."
"ACTIVATE IT!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"I will when you stop screaming in my ear!" Destro snapped as he did so. "There! Pulling away now!"
"Just as well," Mindbender winced as he heard a distant explosion. "I think Rescindar and the Countess are keeping the authorities busy."
"How did they find us?" Tomax asked.
"I told you! It must have been those brats of theirs!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Who else would have done it?"
"Can't say I blame them," The Baroness shrugged. "If I was any of the Countess' children I would have thrown her in jail long ago!"
"We're out to sea," Destro said. "And out of a hideout."
"Look we got away from not only the law but the Countess and her rotten family!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And we stole their ship and some very nice Scotch. I'd say this is a double win!"
"But I left my monkey behind!" Mindbender shouted.
"In that case a triple win," Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's just get out of here!"
Meanwhile in the sky…
"Dude that was close," Derek remarked as he looked at the chaos from inside the cloaked mini jet he was piloting.
"I can't believe our sister called the police for the ransom money," May was surprised.
"I can," June groaned. "Well at least we got out of the house."
"She's not all bad. She did call and warn us ten minutes before the authorities raided the house," Tim said as he sat in his seat.
"And we got a few minutes to get our stuff together," Tom said. "And hack into Mom's bank account so we have a lot of money."
"But now that we are away from our parents," Tim added.
"What do we do now?" Tom asked.
"I have a suggestion."
They all turned to the one who spoke. Mr. Peepers was sitting on a seat wearing a little red cape and a pair of large green goggles. "Since you all have a talent for thievery and mayhem," The monkey spoke in a British accent. "I suggest we form our own criminal group."
"And take over the world?" May asked.
"Of course not! Only idiots like Cobra Commander try to do stuff like that!" Mr. Peepers scoffed. "We don't want to end up a loser like him!"
"So what do we do?" June asked.
"We become a group of thieves and mercenaries for high paying customers and occasionally ourselves," Mr. Peepers said. "Go from town to town causing mayhem and stealing stuff."
"Can we get a really cool van?" Derek asked.
"Why not?" Mr. Peepers shrugged. "We shall call ourselves…The Peepers Patrol!"
"That's kind of lame," June said.
"Okay I was just throwing a name out there," Mr. Peepers said. "I am open to suggestions."
"How about the Rescindar Rascals?" Tom suggested.
"No! We don't want to be directly associated with our loser Dad," May snapped.
"How about Deathwatch?" Derek asked.
"That makes us sound like an old heavy metal band," June said.
"Okay the name of our group is not important right now," Mr. Peepers said. "We can discuss this later. Just write a whole bunch of names down and we can have a session about it at our new headquarters."
"And where is that?" Derek asked.
"Oh my old owner the drug lord had a secret base he kept hidden in Cayman Islands," Mr. Peepers told them. "And I remember the password to his secret bank account there. Thanks to the twins and Mindbender's little brain boost."
"And you didn't tell the others?" May asked.
"Hello? I've only been able to talk for less than an hour!" Mr. Peepers gave her a look. "How could I tell them? Pictionary?"
"So I suppose you want to be in charge of this group?" June asked.
"Not really. Having only achieved true intelligence within an hour doesn't exactly qualify me as leader," Mr. Peepers said. "My brain grew! Not my ego!"
"Good thing," June said.
"Think of me more as a beloved mascot that gives good advice a lot," Mr. Peepers said.
"You mean we're gonna be like Scooby Doo and the gang only instead of solving crimes we'll be committing them?" June asked.
"Exactly," Mr. Peepers shrugged.
"I want to be Daphnie!" Tim and Tom called out at the same time. They glared at each other. "No! I want to be Daphnie!"
"I'm saying this now; I am not wearing any ascots!" Derek said. "I'm willing to grow a soul patch but that is about it!"
"We'll figure the leadership thing out too when we get there," June said.
"Fair enough! To the Cayman Islands! And to the rise of our unnamed group and me, Doctor Peepers!"
"You're not a doctor," May said.
"I'm planning on getting my doctorate online," Mr. Peepers said. "So I will! Mister Soon To Be One Day Doctor Peepers!"
And so a new group dedicated to mayhem was born.