This chapter was pre-read by my 4 year old cousin who knows nothing about English, except that it exists… maybe.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva… or anything else mentioned…

I bow to everyone for so much positivity.


Shinji groaned from the frustration. He was sitting in the same position for hours and new people kept coming and coming. His newly appointed doctor was nothing more than another pain in the ass, an ugly fat pain in the ass. In the beginning some of them even knew a way of forming a carefully constructed question, which was quite enjoyable in fact. It meant that it was only getting worse and worse.

Shinji closely observed the man, trying not to cringe. The man named Dr. Something Daisuke, who Shinji simply called Doctor as any other unlucky soul that attempted to probe into his apparently interesting life, looked like a pervert from the low budget horror movie. Shinji thought that his mouth could most accurately be described as a worm fuckfest. Every time he spoke Shinji backed off a bit, afraid that something alien-ish might pop out to say hello. That, combined with the giant mold on his forehead marked him as a forever-bachelor type.

He was against this from the start, but free medical checkup was not something to throw away easily. He didn't even know when he had one of those. Minding that, he didn't see much light for the last few hours so he figured that it wouldn't be that bad, and he was really worried about his state after… complications. It was just something to pass time before they released him. That was all, he hoped.

"Sexual diseases? Some medical history I should be aware of?" The man asked bluntly. For each of his unrelated questions Shinji would give the most laconic answer possible. Entering the open conversation with this man was the last thing he ever had in his mind.

"No," He replied simply.

The man nodded and wrote something on a paper.

"Are you a virgin?"

Shinji's eyes narrowed. "I'm 14 years old…"

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"Can't you tell?"

"You come from Tokyo-2. If you know what I mean?" The man joked with the grin that made Shinji back off a bit more, just enough to avoid dropping off the edge of his seat.

Why am I even nice to this guy?

Shinji shook his head really, really slowly, indicating that he was not pleased with his statement. "I really don't know." He replied dryly, not even trying to hide his disapproval.

Doctor shrugged. "Kids these days… you don't get our adult humor. But don't worry, buddy. You'll come of age pretty fast."

Some babies were dropped on their heads, but some where thrown at a wall…

"Boy, oh boy I can't wait…" Shinji replied with minimal enthusiasm.

Doctor marked something on his paper. "I'm leaving it as a no," He said pointing at him with his pen. "But if you want to add something…"

"IT'S FUCKING NO!" Shinji shouted, throwing the doctor off balance.

"Okay, okay," Doctor repeated, fixing his glasses. "It's no… jeez. You kids don't get us adults don't you?"

Point that out one more time and I'll gut you with that pen…

"I guess we don't…" Shinji replied with controlled voice. He could already feel his nerves going visible.

Doctor took a small pause as he scanned him. "Are you epileptic?"

Shinji's face fell. He started to think that he was mocking him. "Why the fuck would I be epileptic?"

Doctor made an uneasy face. Shinji figured he was not accustomed to inappropriate language. "Your right eye twitches sometimes. Is that usual?"

"No," Shinji replied simply. "It's my natural reaction to disgust."

Doctor forced a chuckle. "Oh ho, we have a joker here…"

"Doctor your observation is irrefutable…"

Doctor swallowed bitterly. "I see…"

If tapping the man's shoulder wouldn't give him nausea, Shinji might actually consider it. Instead, he grinned with no humor. "Those are just my bastard genes kicking in. You know what they say about us people from Tokyo-2, right doc?"

"Wait," The man paused. "Does that mean that you joked about that last quest-"

"NO," Shinji interrupted. "Dear fucking Haruhi… if I say no it's definite."

"Okay, okay," Doctor replied raising his hands in defense.

"Unless I'm joking..:" Shinji muttered silently.

"Hey! Are you playing me?"

"Huh, me? Never." Shinji replied playing dumb.

Doctor shook his head and placed the papers away. "Well, since you don't feel… talkative." He rolled his eyes. "We shall proceed with oral examination."

"Doctor,"

"Yes, mister Ikari?"

"Put that pork chops you call fingers in my mouth and I'll shout rape…"

Doctor gulped. "Well, that crosses our anal checkup…"

"Get out!"


C.C. shamelessly presents:

THE PERFECT PILOT

Chapter III: Da Shinji's code


Not Misato or Ritsuko were very enthusiastic about this. Before they would act, they decided to take a small break for smoke. Shinji wasn't very far anyway. In fact, their conversing ended up right in front of his room, or interrogation room to be precise.

Every attempt to create a clear image of his mental profile was a definite failure. It was something that had to be made through years of observation, and they had so little. They never saw Commander Ikari being so close to showing any sign of emotion. Actually, it was the second time in one day, to everyone's amazement. When he found out that his brother lied to him to hide his loss of a child he almost crushed the phone. As it turned out, his uncle was the one providing them with false information about the boy's progress.

And now, they were dealing with something out of their comprehension, the boy who successfully chased off 3 professionals in a row. He even managed to make one trainee cry.

Misato sighted.

Ritsuko frowned.

The command was very clear. One of them had to speak with Third Child and elucidate his circumstances, along with possible persuasion. It was very odd that Commander gave unclear orders so bluntly, but minding his circumstances it was hardy a surprise. He didn't even face them directly. In fact, he did all the talking masked behind his giant office chair. It could also be attributed to recent 'circumstances'.

"You do it," Ritsuko said to the other woman, not sounding too enthusiastic.

"Nope. I refuse to be a part of this any more."

"You heard the Commander," Ritsuko informed as she crossed her arms. "Besides, I think he likes you more…"

Misato shrugged. "Touché. It doesn't even matter if he does. I'm not doing it, and it's final."

"Don't be such a baby."

"Humph," Misato pouted as she crossed her arms and turned her back to her.

Ritsuko frowned, not even bothering to mask her obvious irritation. She knew that he had more chance in persuading Shinji to jump out of the airplane without a parachute than persuading Misato to do anything at all.

"Why do I always have to be the bad guy?" She whined with the shake of her head.

"Oh come on," Misato said comfortingly, suddenly turning and tapping her on the back. "The role fits you far better, and you know it. Besides, I would be terrible."

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes and gave her an irritated look. She knew that Misato was just being her usual self, which is dumping as much responsibility as possible on her back.

"Whatever." Ritsuko said, reaching for the knob. She stopped and turned as soon as she touched the cold metal. "But if it gets ugly you'll come in, right?"

"Relax," Misato said making a silly smile. "He's only potent when he's mad in the giant mech. I think that cell calmed him down…"

"I heard they used stun guns," Ritsuko said doubtfully.

They used two…

Misato rubbed the back of her head. "Where did you hear that nonsense?" She replied, acting obliviousness.

Ritsuko sighted. "Fine, I'm going in. But be sure to watch my back. Ok?"

"You can always count on me, Rits," Misato replied giving her a thumb up.

Ritsuko opened the door and entered.

The moment Ritsuko left Misato looked at her watch. It was past 1400 and she was still sober. Better get down to business. She could wait for them at the cafeteria.


There was nothing special about the room, besides the fact that there was very little lighting witch contributed a lot to NERV's usual aphotic feel. There was one metal table and two chairs, and one was already occupied by the Third Child, who was resting his forehead on the table.

Ritsuko figured that he didn't hear her come in, so she cleaned her throat loudly to get his attention. The boy raised his head and yawned.

When did I become NERV's negotiator, she thought suddenly. She shook her head. It was time to make the façade and do something right around here. Gendo was really distressed as of lately, and if she managed to do this right she could earn a special favor. It was a worthy cause. Don't mess this up, Ritsuko.

"Oh, hey doc," He greeted, cleaning his eyes. "I took some liberty to take a nap. Please. Take a seat." He continued to clean his eyes.

Shinji remembered her from the attack, which meant that she was someone more important in this organization. He hoped that the time for him release finally came. Ritsuko sat down in the other chair across him and waited until he was done.

"So," He continued, looking directly at her. "Can I go home now?"

"Not yet," Doctor replied instantly, receiving a disappointed glare from the boy. "There are still some issues that have to be resolved?"

Hopefully not my anus…

He puffed in irritation, rolling his eyeballs. "Like what?"

"Well your appropriate punishment for instance."

"For what?" Shinji replied confused. "No one told me that I have to be nice to you people. Those people were air thieves, and probably the reason why birth control was created in the fist place."

Ritsuko backed off a bit. "It's not even that, Shinji-kun. I'm not sure if you understand your position, but you punched Supreme Commander in the face."

Worth it…

"I already explained that," Shinji said as he waved his hands in protest, surpassing a chuckle as he did. "The bastard deserved all of it. And besides, it hurt me more than him, but not because I regret anything or have second thoughts. It's just that my arms are broken, thanks to you of course."

The woman shook her head. "Shinji, please be serious. You broke his nose."

Double worth it…

"Oh, did I? How unfortunate…" He replied sarcastically. "…did he send you to bitch about it in his stead?"

In a way…

"No," She negated. "I'm here to inform you of your current position."

"I want a lawyer first," He retorted as he crossed his bandaged arms.

"That won't be possible,"

He raised an eyebrow. "Because?"

"Silly, I'm just here to inform you about things. You don't need a lawyer for that."

"Well," He started, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms. "You almost killed me 3 times, deliberately or not, you're still the ones to blame. You gave me injuries that match the car accident in F1 racing, and a shit ton of mental scars that made my forelock go grey. On top of everything: you beat me up with stun guns and locked me up in the fucking solitary. Not to mention that you gave no plausible explanations for any of the shit that happened recently. Only thing you really did was to pair me with a doctor I wouldn't let into normal society without second thoughts. I think I do need a lawyer."

The woman sighted knowing that the kid had a point there. If it was the case in any other circumstances Shinji would probably get at least a dozens of millions from the lawsuits, if he really did went as far as that. Though, NERV was NERV, and no one can touch NERV.

"Sadly you won't get one," The blonde woman informed in more serious tome, which caught the boy's attention. "You see, Shinji. NERV is a very influential company. In fact, I daresay that NERV probably runs the whole Japan, and maybe even more. We have thousands of secret agents, we have more political and military power than government and military together, and we have more resources that most of the 2nd world countries. I do feel sorry for your situation, but you won't get anything from NERV."

"Well, when you put it that way."

"The best thing you could get is…" Ritsuko coughed. "…well, a small payoff, and maybe an apology."

"That's far too little," The boy protested in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

"But I am," Ritsuko continued. "You are not even a NERV employee, and on top of everything you assaulted our commander. You have no idea how many years can normal civilian get for attacking the man of his position."

Shinji leaned back on his chair, still looking directly in the doctor's eyes. "Are you trying to imply something?"

"Perhaps," She replied after a brief pause. "You see, there are some more problems regarding you being a civilian. I think you already noticed but you received some of the most exclusive medical treatments… that are for NERV employees only."

"Wait, wait," Shinji interrupted shaking his head. "Are you threatening me, doctor?"

"No, silly," The doctor replied humorously. "I'm only implying that you received a million dollar worth exoskeleton, along with other medical expenses, charges for assault, and a lot of charges for collateral damage."

Shinji's face fell. "Bullshit," He spat. "You can't charge me for collateral damage. You practically forced me to pilot your shitty robot."

"I don't know," Ritsuko replied smilingly. "Out commander thinks otherwise…"

I should have punched harder…

Shinji crossed his arms. "So, you are trying to say that the government would just nod and say: 'Yeah kid took out his robot and took a dump on our city, and it's entirely his fault because that shit happens all the time.' Tell him to shove it up his butt. I'm not paying for anything."

Doctor felt humored. "It's not for you to decide, Shinji-kun. You see, the debt will follow you… forever most likely… like it or not. The government could care less even if it does sound too surreal. If commander Ikari says so, then it's final."

Okay, maybe a little less worth it…

"And what if I go public?"

The doctor just shrugged.

Shinji frowned. He had no idea if he should cry and hope for some pity or punch the doctor in the face and see what happens. Maybe he could run away and change his name. He always wanted to see Vegas. What are the odds that the secret organization with billion agents will find him anyway? He mentally slapped himself. They were way too big for his liking.

"So…" Shinji pouted. "How many years are we talking about?"

"None," The doctor replied simply.

Shinji was taken aback. "Excuse me?"

Ritsuko gave him a warming smile and corrected herself. "None, if we manage to arrange something…"

Shinji rolled his eyes, guessing what was coming next. "So, you want me in that robot that fucking badly? Was I seriously that good?"

"Hey," She replied in toneless voice. "You make it sound like you won't benefit at all. It won't be that bad. Sure, we are asking you to risk your life, but we are also giving you an opportunity to save it. You really think that your arms will ever heal without our help, don't be foolish, Shinji-kun. If you stay with us I can vouch for your treatment."

Shinji took a really, really deep breath. "Why me, and don't you dare tell some bullshit. I want a legitimate reason."

"It's very simple actually," Ritsuko lied. "Only the people that were born after the Second Impact can pilot Evangelions. Since Evangelion is half biological creation it can only respond to people with certain genome, which you luckily posses since you were born after the impact. Sadly, not everyone with that certain gene can pilot it. There is a certain institution called Marduk which can determine if you got what it takes. Your uncle must have taken you there when you were a kid."

You lying bitch…

Shinji nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember something like that…"

"It was only just recently that Angel appeared, and since Rei is currently disabled, you were our only option."

Shinji nodded. "Okay, that makes sense but how did you know that the Angel was going to appear anyway?"

"We didn't," She answered. "We were preparing for it for a long time, or to be precise; ever since the Angels initiated the Second Impact 15 years ago."

"So it just happens to drop by after 15 years to say hello?" Shinji asked doubtfully. "Why didn't they strike after the impact when we were vulnerable?"

"I seriously don't know, "The doctor replied. She started too feel that he was breaching her façade. She desperately needed a smoke.

"But then, why do you need me so much?" He replied smilingly. "The next Angel could appear 15 years from now. I don't see any need for recruiting me so fast."

"We have no way of knowing that," The doctor replied maybe a little too hasty that she should have. "But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take necessary measures. We need to have at least one available pilot 24/7. Leaving the world without protection would be crazy."

"So, there are no other pilots available?" Sinji asked raising his eyebrows.

Ritsuko gulped. "There are…"

"And why are they not here?" Shinji asked in more demanding tone.

Ritsuko paused for a bit. "Their Units are not complete."

So, they knew about the Angels from the start, but they are telling me that it took 15 years to complete 1 Unit… what are they taking me for?

Shinji leaned back on his chair. He decided to play calm. "Since I met Rei I know that there are pilots that were already trained for this. What's exactly stopping you from calling one of them to pilot my Unit instead of me? It makes no sense because I never knew any of this shit since yesterday."

"It's not that simple," The woman replied, feeling a bit uneasy. "There are more to them than you might think… it's complicated."

Shinji shrugged. "I am all ears."

"Certain Units respond to different mental states of pilots." She started, not even noticing that she became the one being interrogated. "You're not that compatible with your Unit yourself. We prepare- um, I mean we created the Unit to match a certain brain pattern that you are luckily compatible with… It's a lucky coincidence. It was originally prepared for Rei…"

She suddenly felt that she should've left out that last part. She remembered one wise man's words: One lie leads to another. Though, if she didn't lie it would mean that they created a robot that didn't react to already trained pilots, which would make it sound like it was made just for him, which was of course the truth, but he was not supposed to know that.

Damn it. Why was Shinji so damn superstitious? It wasn't supposed to be like this…

Shinji made a wide smile. "Then you won't need me when Rei recovers… that's great."

"No," She protested. "I mean- we need as much pilots as we can get. Don't remember that you're still in our debt."

"So much faith in my piloting skill, which I'm tragically not sure if I even posses… calling it skill is a bit of an overstatement. But why force me into something I'm not very eager to do when you got other pilots? Or could it be that you really want me for some reason?"

"Don't jump into conclusion, boy," The woman replied bitterly. "We are prioritizing other pilots. It just happens that the situation is asking for this."

Why am I not so sure about that…?

"Then I will be discharged when Rei recovers?" Shinji retorted. "Or will you beat the horse and make me my own robot?"

She mentally slapped herself. Why did she even have to explain it to him if he didn't have much choice but to obey them? She realized that the discussion swallowed her completely. After all, she was instructed to persuade him to pilot willingly, but she didn't like how this played out.

"I can't tell you anything for sure," She replied after a brief pause. "For now you only need to know what you already know… consider everything I said as a favor."

Shinji shrugged. "Whatever you say, doctor."

Ritsuko cleaned her throat. "Anyways, now when you know everything will you accept our proposal?"

Everything is a strong word… jack shit would suffice.

"It's not like have a fucking choice, do I?" He replied with spite in his voice, giving her a murderous glare. "It doesn't mean that I'll become lovely just because you tied a noose around my throat. Maybe I did swallow a bucked of shit, but my bullshit meter is on its verge…"

"What gives you a right to threaten me, boy?" Ritsuko replied rising from her chair.

"Is that a contradiction?" The boy asked playing dumb.

"We are done." The woman replied throwing some papers on the table. "Here's your NERV ID and your designated home. Someone will pick you up tomorrow, so don't run away." She bowed. "Have a good day, pilot Ikari."

"Are you a natural blonde?"

Ritsuko groaned in anger and rushed through the exit, leaving the door open for him.

That's an obvious no.

When the woman was nowhere in sight Shinji's face finally fell. He left out a long sigh. I'm going to pilot that shit, he concluded. It sounded scary when he repeated it to himself for a second time, and it was even worse the third time. He couldn't believe that he actually accepted their proposal. Not exactly accepted, but it didn't make it any better. He couldn't even believe that he could pull such a stunt on a professional doctor. It left a bittersweet taste.

They were not leaving him any other choice did they? Maybe he could think of a way to escape this madness some other time, because right now he felt like breaking down in some dark corner. To think that he had to escape a secret organization made him shiver. What the hell even lead to this moment, he asked himself repeatedly.

Brainstorming wasn't his thing, but he needed something fast. He circled around his table in desperation, thinking about the recent development. This conversation confirmed some things he already knew. He was definitely fucked, and that this whole facility ran on pure incoherent bullshit. Not much, he had to admit.

He felled utterly depressed. If he was going to go against the secret organization he had to have a base. Up to now he only had 2 leads: fist one was Marduk institution, something he allegedly attended and which chose him as a pilot. In other words it was one ridiculous crap. There was also that about Units responding to certain mental… He paused.

It made sense. It didn't make sense. He wanted to make sense of it, but he couldn't. He face-palmed with his bandaged arm, which was a terrible thing to do since his exoskeleton was harder than a rock. Still, nothing came to his mind. He needed to relax first and think this through some other time. Later on he could come up with something rational because he wasn't so sure if he should even believe anything that doctor said. He felt dumb for taking her words for granted.

He stood up and grabbed his belongings along with his ID and left the room.

It seemed like the whole world was against him. There wasn't a single positive thing that happened since he came to this city. He decided to call home after he settled down somewhere, since he doubted that he would find anyone for normal conversation around here.

But how to I get myself out of this shit…

He strolled around the hallways, not even knowing where he was going. Misato was right, there are absolutely no pointers, or it could be that his sense of direction was dead.

"Hey, you," someone from behind him shouted.

He slowly turned to face the man. "Yes?"

The man approached an offered him a hand. "You must be Shinji."

Why not? Shinji took his hand. "And you are?"

"Name's Shigeru Aoba," The man introduced himself. "I'm the man that's buying you a beer."

Shinji blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah," He replied in surprise. "That's what I said. Didn't I?"

Shinji was still skeptical. "Are you sure you're not one of those brain probing scientists?"

The man laughed and showed him his ID. It said Shigeru Aoba, and he was a NERV tech. It was enough to lower some suspicion, since Shinji doubted that they would send techs to do whatever there was to do with him. He wasn't even sure. NERV was confusing place in all aspects.

"Okay," Shinji spoke, returning the ID to the man. "I guess you are ok, but what business do we have?"

The man coughed and leaned closer. It felt like they were hiding from something. "I'm on your side kid." The tech whispered in his ear. "Come with me if you want to know more."


"That bad, huh?" Shigeru mumbled in disbelief, taking a sip of his canned Yebisu. "Sucks to be you, kiddo."

"Yeah," Shinji confirmed, taking a sip of his own. "And of course, this whole place is full of crap. I can't believe how much stupidity goes around here."

"That's what I'm always telling everyone," Aoba said in relief. "I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks so."

"Pff. Are you trying to say that everyone turns a blind eye to all this? I mean seriously?"

"Yep," Aoba confirmed sadly, raising his beer. "People are damn idiots I tell you."

"I can drink to that," Shinji replied, tapping his beer with his own. They took a big swig and exhaled.

"So," Shinji resumed." Why here? I mean cafeteria is not really an ideal hiding place."

"This is a perfect place," The tech explained. "This time is a universal NERV break time, and we are safe from Bronies."

"Em? Bronies?"

"You don't know?" The tech paused. "Of course you don't know… it's one of famous NERV mythos. The rumor has it all S-2 agents are occult My Little Pony addicts."

Haruhi created mountains, dinosaurs, pies… and then Shigeru Aoba. We all make mistakes…

"Oh… what's Section-2?" Shinji asked in disinterest.

Shigeru leaned closer on the mention of the name. "They are NERV's secret agents. I'm sure you'll meet them eventually."

"Uh HUH," Shinji huffed, acting dismay. "And you're trying to say that organization of secret agents is infested with Bro-ni-es?"

"Yep."

Shinji shrugged. "Well that sounds right…"

"Want to hear other secrets?" Aoba asked in anticipation.

Shinji shrugged meekly. It was a complete waste of his time. Though, this man had a good approach. He decided to hear him out, for better or worse.

"Well, you bought me a beer…"


On the other side of the cafeteria Misato Katsuragi detached her forehead from the table. She groaned in frustration when she realized that her 5th can was empty. She leaned back on her chair trying to find some energy to go for another round. After a short while, she stood up and noticed two grunting guys in the middle of the room. From what she heard she could infer that they talked something about aliens and vampires. She had to hear that one.

"What if the Angels are actually dragons- oh, hey Misato."

"Hello, Shigeru," She greeted. "Hello, Shinji-kun," The boy nodded, looking rather thankfully. "What brought you two kids together?"

"Nothing," Shigeru pouted. Shinji just shrugged with unreadable expression, taking a sip of his beer.

"Alcohol?" Misato exclaimed, snapping a can from boy's arm. "Aoba, why are you giving alcohol to children?"

"To children who saved your ass from angelic love," Shinji corrected, snapping it back. "Mine."

Misato sighted. "Well, one won't kill you…"

"Take a seat," Aoba suggested. "We just fished with our little chat." Aoba winked to Shinji, on which he only nodded. Not even knowing what to think of the man anymore.

"Sure," Misato replied sitting down. "So, how are you doing, Shinji-kun?"

"Saying shitty would be an understatement… you?"

"Ask me after 2 more beers," She replied opening her 6th can. "Are you discharged, Shinji-kun?"

"Nope," He said bitterly. "It turns out that I'll stay here for a while?"

Misato gave him a puzzled look. "You will? Seriously?"

"What you didn't know?" Aoba asked. The woman shook her head. He sighted. "They are blackmailing him."

"What?" She exclaimed. "No, I didn't know anything. What- wait? Why?"

"My father's unrivaled parenting skills…" Shinji replied sadly, nursing his can of bear. "It appears that I owe NERV a few millions… and only way to repay your generosity is by piloting that child molesting machinery of pain. But no worries, only my life and the world are apparently at stake. How couldn't anything bad happen…"

Misato didn't really know how to react to this, so she did what she thought would help. "Come on," She cheered, tapping him on the back. "Have another one." She put the can in his arm. "Maybe it looks bad now but tomorrow might be better. Who knows?"

"Maybe if this wasn't the real world where the shit doesn't get fucked up in every available moment…"

His forehead fell on the table.

It's good to see that our new defense line is in high spirits, Misato thought sighting. She looked at Aoba.

"Aoba," Misato started. "We don't talk much… do we? So, how's life. How's the band."

"Great," The tech replied. "Butthurts are still in the game." He averted his gaze on the face down boy. "Shinji you dig metal?"

"Nope," The boy replied under the table. "I'm into classic."

Shigeru shrugged. "You Misato?"

"Not really," She replied raising her arms in defense. From what she heard, their apparent hit 'kill their firstborns' made Maya cry.

"Hmph," Shigeru pouted. "No one appreciates the metal these days. But one day, one day, Butthurts will make a sexy back. We've put a lot of faith in our new single; cockblockalypse."

"Wait. I actually want to hear that."

"Anyways," Misto interrupted, afraid that leaving them to converse without supervision might result in catastrophe. She went with the first thing that came to her mind. "Shinji-kun, where are you staying?"

He huffed. "Somewhere… I guess."

"With your father?" She asked knowing how likely that was.

He twitched from beneath. "Not a fucking chance."

"Then with who?" She replied in wonder.

"Alone."

"You can't live alone," She protested. "Teenage boys shouldn't live alone."

"Rei lives alone," He retorted.

"Rei is… special."

"I couldn't agree more."

"Oh, come on," She insisted, raising his head from the table. "Why don't you crash in my place? I have an extra bed."

"No." He replied instantly.

"Why not?" Misato asked in wonder.

"Is there any good reason to live with someone I've just met? With the same someone who works for the company that made my life living inferno?"

She tried to interrupt but failed.

"-absurd as it may sound, but I don't really think that it's a good idea."

"You can't know if you don't try." She protested humorously. "You could always leave if you don't like me."

I would like it, Shigeru thought sadly.

"Is there any really, really good reason to even try?" The boy asked doubtfully.

"I have an extra bed." She repeated. It was still a valid point.

"Can I come," Aoba asked cheerfully.

Misato shook her head, giving him an apologetic glance. He shrugged in defeat.

"Shinji-kun, I'm doing you a favor," She said more seriously. "You are still minor, and if you don't have anyone as a caretaker you know who gets control of you…"

"You don't have to repeat that twice," He replied realizing what she meant. "But I still think that it's not a good idea. I mean teenage boy and a woman. When did that ever work?"

"Ridiculous, that's a great idea. I always wanted a roomy," Aoba raised his hand but was silenced by Misato's sudden death glare. He bowed his head in utter defeat. "I'll buy you an ice cream," She persisted.

"You already promised me one." The boy whined.

"I'll make it three."

Shinji sighted. I'm such a whore, he thought in defeat. "Four… and make it extra rainbow sprinkles. I love my ice cream sparkly."

"Deal,"


"Misato-san… kun? Miss?"

"Just Misato." The woman replied waving her hand. They both stepped into her small sports car.

"Right, Misato. You really shouldn't drive while drunk."

"How else can I?" The woman asked innocently, putting on her seatbelt.

"Can I drive?"

Woman was left puzzled. "You can drive?"

"No," He replied. "But neither can you…"

She protruded her tongue. "Very funny…"

They drown on a Tokyo-3 highway. Misato wanted to take him to a quick sightseeing to brighten his sullen mood, which Shinji interpreted as observation of massive collateral damage that he inflicted upon the poor city. Misato had a hard time dealing with his remarks, but she looked forward to their joint future none the less. The sole thought of raising a teenager was very appealing to her, even though he wasn't so eager about it. Ritsuko always scolded her about being to rash about making decisions. She was probably right, but Misato felt like this was a right thing to do.

He was grumpy the whole way to the store. She tried to pull him into a casual conversation but failed. He wasn't very talkative as he seemed before, and his mood was only darkening. After a short while, he drifted into his thoughts and stopped talking.

"How do you like NERV, Shinji-kun?" She spoke, trying to loosen him up.

He shook his head, giving her the look that answered all of her questions.

"Come on, Shinji," She cheered. "You're killing the mood. It's not polite to leave a woman bored."

"Fine," He sighted. "Let's see… NERV - the organization that exceeds at child molesting, kidnapping your hamster or first born child, and fucking you over with a broomstick – forcing you to pilot the worst robot ever created by a fucking man. Yes, I enjoyed my time here, obviously."

Misato could only force a compassionate smile. She wanted to get closer just a little bit, but every time she asked something his huge barrier would appear and end it. Maybe tomorrow, she thought sighting.

Nope. She decided to try until he told her to shut up. It was her way and she wouldn't back off that easily.

"So, you've met Rei. Do you like her?" She teased. "I bet you two would be so cute together."

"She's an imbecile." He replied briefly. And I hate her guts.

She raised an eyebrow. Asking about it would be pointless. "Shinji, I forbid you to talk like that about your fellow pilot. Sure, she's a little weird sometimes, but I'm sure that there is something positive about her. Get to know her. You could be great friends, if anything."

"I wouldn't bet on that."

"You tried?"

He nodded. "It was a complete failure, but who cares. I'm here only until she's back on feet."

"Oh really," The woman spoke humorously. "I saw your face when you held her in your hands. What would happen if you two magically fell in love? I wonder. Maybe you would even consider staying here for longer period."

Really, really small shade of pink appeared on his cheek. "Nope," Shinji replied, pushing away the upcoming thoughts. "When she recovers I'll demand for immediate discharge from duty. Nothing good will ever come out of this."

"What? Saving the world not your thing?"

"No," He protested. "I mean… maybe. Surely not this way… anyway, the point is: I'm not really enthusiastic about being the mighty hero, and yes, I'm definitely against piloting."

"Look," Misato started. "If there was any other way of saving the world we would probably do it, but as it is we are helpless. Piloting is the only way. So like it or not, you're our only hope."

"Yeah, no pressure."

"Oh, relax," She cheered. "When Rei stabilizes with her Unit 00 you won't have anything to worry about. You'll just resume to your every day plumber life and leave all of this behind…"

"Yeah," He sighted. "Wait, what? Unit 00?"

Misato gave him a confused glare. "Unit 00, that's the name of Rei's Evangelion. Is something wrong about it?"

He shook his head rapidly. "No nothing at all."

Fucking everything, he creamed in his mind. Now it was as clear as sunshine. Mental readings, Marduk, 15 years to make one Unit without a pilot, and Rei's Unit 00 gave him some definite facts. The scariest one was of course: Unit 01 was definitely made for him; this was too coincidental to be jus a sheer assumption. For some reason they made a Unit just for him, even though he never ever seen one of those, and on top of everything they really, really wanted him to pilot it. He couldn't even try to guess why, because it still hardly made any sense to him.

Thought, one thing was certain: He would definitely find out.

X

"I'm ho- oly fucking hell." He exclaimed as he slipped on the empty can of Yebisu. "Dear Haruhi of god, what the hell is this place."

"Oh, I guess it's little messy lately." Misato spoke behind him. She grabbed him under the armpits and pulled him up. "Why don't you take the shower? I'll prepare us something to eat."

"Okay," He replied while cleaning his shirt from the floor dust. "You'll need to clean this shit, somehow."

"We will split the chores," The woman shouted from the kitchen. "From now on, this is as much of your house as it's mine."

Shinji sighted. The reason of her persistence became much clearer.

After a breathtaking game of rock-paper-scissors took place, the chores were evenly distributed among the two. Shinji's only condition was not doing anything related to the dirty clothes, the same thing Misato did for cooking, which he found rather surprising. Misato went to kitchen to prepare the instant food they bought along the way, while Shinji went to take a shower.

He couldn't relax no matter how much he tired. As soon as he closed his eyes, thousand conspiracy theories passed through his mind. Nothing of it made any sense. He knew few things but there wasn't even the trace of bigger picture. He needed to put his thoughts on the paper.

He finished his bubble bath in 10 minutes.

As he left the bath he noticed one strange looking creature observing his groin. It was definitely a bird, its name was PenPen, and it smelled like beer.

"Penguin… whatever."

He put his clothes on and led the small fellow back to kitchen, where Misato awaited in her sloppy everyday clothes.

"I never knew you were animal person."

Misato slammed her bear on the table. "Ke ke ke, that's just my dear PenPen. He's smart enough to be human, but the bird steals all my alcohol. Keep an evidence of your stuff."

Then I can always blame it on the bird.

"Where's my room exactly?" He asked the woman who appeared to be fairly intoxicated.

Misato pointed. "Won't you eat with me?"

"I just need do something fast."

"Oh, really?" She asked teasingly. "What could something fast in privacy be?"

"Unpacking my stuff," Shinji replied without humor.

She gave him a doubtful smile. "Mhm. Take your time."

Shinji went into his room with a small blush. Perverted woman. He found a piece of paper and took a pen. It was finally time to catalyze his thoughts. First thing first, there had to be an appropriate title. If it was true that magical organization S-2 existed, then he would have to take extra care. He came up with fitting one: Da Shinji's code.

Instead of writing the facts he knew he drew symbols instead. He figured that it would make them unreadable even if someone found it. Giant penis represented his father, Misato was a can of beer, Ritsuko was a female dog, Aoba was a bat, and Rei was terribly drawn plant. He linked all the events in chronological order and drew a line between bad and potentially useful people.

He continued to stare at his work, not really admiring it. No matter how you look at it, it still looked like something 3 year old on drugs would draw with his left hand. But he could still read it, so it was fine.

"Shinji-kun," The woman shouted from the living room, breaking his train of thoughts. "Are you done with your unpacking?"

"It is done," He replied blushing.

"Then wash your hands and come to eat," She said melodically. "We can eat in front of TV."

"Coming!"

"Nice."

He face-palmed. That woman would bring him nightmares, he was sure of that. Though, she could have her use. It appeared that she wasn't involved in whatever there was to be involved in. But he couldn't take that for granted, as it was no one could be trusted. Maybe he could get some information after she gets drunk, and how things went it could happen pretty fast.

He opened his doors and went after the couch.

The plan could wait.


END OF CHAPTER THREE


Meh… this was probably the worst chapter. This could probably be called: Shinji interacts with people and nothing interesting happens, or they all react to each other. Whatever. Nothing special happened and I missed out a Gendo scene (OR DID I, see omake)… to be honest it would be pretty long one and it required too much effort and space, and this was probably the most boring period in the cannon, I guess. I prefer this packing because the next few chapters should be significantly better. I mean fights and fucking school life, super suspenseful mother effing school life. Yeah! I'm just preparing this for the future... and I regret not calling this fic Da Shinji's code...

Still no beta… I cry…

You may notice but I added some changes to the original… I mean Marduk and stuff…

Cockblockalypse is a legitimate word. Thrust the urban dictionary…

I believe that Shinji's reasoning was plausible. I mean every non-Shinji person would be startled by the fact that some organization made you a giant robot to fight monsters. I mean really? If he put a little thought in it he would probably be startled, at least a bit…I dunno. Shinji is Shinji… But I think that everything is justified.

Shinji obviously didn't react to PenPen, and why is that?

Reactions of cannon Shinji:

Here's a giant alien – Oh god, an alien. Nooo

Here's a giant robot – Oh no, a giant robot. Father I hate you…

Here's a penguin – MISATO SAVE ME. IT HAS EYES!

Aoba. He is fairly underappreciated in fandom. I liked his character so I decided to go somewhere with the guy. Will that be childish man who approached the kid for melancholic youthful kicks, or because he really will serve some purpose in all those conspiracies… ke ke. If he did, he will be the worst agent ever created. You will beg me to remove him from the story. But I like his personality… but honestly, who gives a fuck about Shigeru Aoba.

I shamefully present the biggest run of stupidity in my life…


OMAKE OF MADNESS or WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN SHINJI AND GENDO

If you are easily offended or disgusted I advise that you skip this, because it may not be worth it. Otherwise, enjoy the biggest pile of childish bullshit I've ever written in my short lived insomniac life.

Step by step Shinji was getting closer to his father's office. He could feel his heart pumping ridiculously fast. But it was fine, he liked it. He was thrilled. He could even run from the excitement. It was his day D, the moment he prepared for his whole life. The images of his father with beat face on the ground swirled in his head. It we ignored the giant Mecha fight, and upcoming ones; this could as well be the most important showdown of his life. He shuddered as… oh blah, blah. He is pumped, OK? End of paragraph.

He reached the giant black doors painted with some golden symbol of… something that… EvaGeeks is broken so I don't know. I' really not educated in occult religions… but neither was Shinji. It looked like a fucking tree, a giant golden tree of… sodomizing fertility. There.

He opened the doors with all his 14-year-old's might, which is super overwhelming I tell you. But for the sake of dramatic appeal it will be ridiculously focused upon. The doors flew like they were made out of something metal doors would be made if they were very light… Jesus my writing skills. They broke like a glass when they hit the walls, because glass was not the word I was looking for.

"Huzzard!" Shinji exclaimed for the same reason he didn't politely knock.

The fog engulfed him, and I repeat the fog engulfed him. Gendo's office is so fucking cryptic that unexplained shit appears everywhere, but yeah, fog. It's a good start. Would anyone be surprised if he took his baths with Nessy?

Shinji raised his hands in front of his face to shield himself from the pressure that suddenly happened when the doors opened. I don't even know anymore…

"What could this power be," Shinji asked in wonder as the wind shaped his bishounen face. Hey, he's really handsome in Rebuild. My sister confirmed it…. No homo.

It's a fucking fog, Shinji, voice of reason sounded through his half emptied head. His determination kicked in as he returned to his previous course, into the unknown depths… I mean Gendo's office.

He dramatically entered the giant dim room, scanning every inch of his new surroundings. It was pointless because I just said that it was a very dark room, but he scanned every inch of that same darkness none the less. There were no results.

Suddenly, the reflectors lighted the middle of the room. Shinji backed off at the sight of the unbelievably stunning, very intriguing display of something I will come up within 1 minute…

….

a boxing ring. Yes. A boxing ring was illuminated by the reflectors that were inconveniently there the whole time. Shinji was awed by the lack of logic that was put in the making of this office, those designers were truly psychedelic. It was truly a sight to behold.

From the shaded corner of the room, professor Fuyutsuki emerged with foul grin. He held a fog machine, of course, it was all his doing. He was the one who turned on the reflectors. Brilliance. Keep going.

Anyway.

In the midst of all biblical revelations, a lone figure stood in the middle of the ring with raised fist at the ceiling. He wore an oversized black trench coat that was dancing with the wind… yes the wind. The crimson NERV logo was painted on its back, together with the logo that was also printed, but this time it was in italics. Yeah!

"Father," Shinji, our mighty protagonist, mumbled in horror. His father's grand entrance emitted terror everywhere, except for Fuyutsuki, who's only purpose was to dramatically appear with a grin that indicated that something bad would happen. And it just did.

Gendo turned slowly. His beard swallowed all the conceivable charisma that was floating in the air. Every eye in the room was on him, I mean, other two adjacent people looked at him. No need to get extra dramatic.

"Shinji," He spoke with the most ruthless voice possible. Think of someone. "I've been waiting for this day."

"Yes, father," Shinji spoke with Shinji voice. His voice actress is really cute. Not. "I've prepared for this day as well." He jumped into the ring, magically becoming a boxing expert. He wore 2 purple gloves, both marked with white 01. His shorts were purple as well. They were extremely useful when he was troubled with diarrhea.

Gendo, who was smirking as a fool, spread his arms. "Shinji, behold of my unmatched parenting skills." His bathing robe- I mean his boxing coat flew in the air and revealed … the most rectangular, no not rectangular, perfectly shaped, blindingly astonishing, nearly imperfect, homoerotic, ridiculously oversized pair of Majestic Man Boobs™.

Shinji vomited.

Fuyutsuki vomited.

Their shape was the pure image of Greek goddess, no fuck that, their shape was so firm and soft that Greek goddess would cry. Their magnificence was only matched by the ridiculous amount hair around his nipples. They were so black… so… black… and there were so may of them. Black. The beauty of his misshaped pointy nipples could only be matched by the number of disgusting- I mean majestic moles scattered all across their firm brilliance. I won't even mention how each and every one of them had at least one black hair sprouting from its base. Oh, wait.

"My eyes," Shinji screamed on his knees, desperately trying to censure the image of his father's Majestic Man Boobs™ from his head. It was not happening, since it was impossible. He cleansed his bloodied eyeballs, with magic apparently, and cleared off the seemingly ever-pouring vomit from his pants and raised his fist. "Father," He addressed the man who's boobs will haunt his sleep forever. "Put that-"

Suddenly, from sheer nothingness, Rei appeared and looked his way. He stopped as the blue haired girl approached him.

"Shinji," She spoke dramatically, addressing him by his name. It's cute when she does that. "You mustn't harm Commander's Majestic Man Boobs™."

"Why is that, Rei?" The asked in confusion, the same confusion I'm feeling when I write this shit.

"Because," The girl paused. "Those are the same boobs that nursed me to what I am now, the same boobs from which I still feast. Those are my precious mothers, and the reason for my… skin degeneration and unexplained blue hair dye." She finished non-poetically-ish. And then she, against all logic, smiled and revealed her teeth, which were full of black hair, which origin is sadly known. Reis stood proudly and gave his a thumb up.

Shinji vomited.

Fuyutsuki vomited, and cried.

Somewhere in Germany, Asuka's head exploded.

"Silence," Out villain Gendo roared. "Now, Shinji, let's find out who's your daddy."

*cough* "Yes, fath- *cough* "We shall se- *cough* "To hell with sanity," Shinji proclaimed. "Brace your nipples!"

The battle took place. I would ask of you to imagine it if you can, because if I write anything boob related I will kill myself, but hey, everyone already jumped from the roof.

Anyways.

Buckets of vomit, puke, cum, milk, and shit were spilled in excessive quantities. Literally, buckets of everything. That's not really excessive.

Shinji fell on the floor, covered with all mentioned. "Father, I acknowledge your power." He took some pride in the fact that his father was truly a worthy opponent and a true challenger to his apparent teenage might. Whatever the fuck that even means…

"You've seen nothing, boy," Gendo laughed as something emerged from his nipples. (Please don't report this story) Small… things… no can't… sorry. Nah. Fuck it. The gunpowder exploded and two magical, homoerotic, hyper, coconuts flavored, cross-shaped beams of man milk (semilk?) emerged from his nipples and went directly at Shinji, who was vomiting of course.

Shinji successfully ducked in such way that would make Neo shed a tear of pure masculine pride. Shinji returned back on his feat in similar slow-mo manner, just to look slightly more fabulous. (I don't own Matrix)

Shinji, who's apparently still sane, extended his arms and started to conjure a ball of… teenage youth, berserk, alcohol-infused, florescent, jingidy dingy … I dunno BEAAAMMMM!

The moment before it seemed that Gendo's life was about to end, Rei jumped in front of the mentioned thing and blocked it, I guess. Her last words before exploding into the disgusting mixture of albino flesh and bone matter, which would put you off masturbation for several weeks if you saw it, were: I'm replicable! So Rei-ish.

"No," Gendo shouted without emotion. "Now that Rei is gone, Shinji, you are the only one I have left in this wretched world. Could you ever forgive your only father?"

"Yes," Shinji replied with tearing eyes. "I've waited so long to hear you say that."

They embraced like a true father and son, crying in such homoerotic manner as they did. Gendo pulled him tighter right between hi- NO… n-NO … NO MORE.

Moral of the story: It's not gay if you're the one who's giving.

And yeah, Gendo somehow broke his nose in that mess.