A/N: I don't own Kimi ni Todoke. Based on more recent chapters, mostly because I've been struggling with the same thing in my LDR as Kazehaya and Sawako had been. (kind of, circumstances are a bit different) Just an inner monologue from Sawako.
I have never felt so far away from Kazehaya-kun. Do you know what it's like to sit right next to the one you love at the class Christmas party, yet he won't even look at you? I've never felt lonelier than this. Sometimes it feels like he's not even here with me.
"What is he thinking? Is he ashamed to be seen with me? Why won't he look at me or even hold my hand? What have I done? Is he just thinking of a way to politely tell me that he doesn't like me? Am I really unpleasant to talk to? Why won't he say anything?"
These are the questions that keep running through my mind while we sit here, in the presence of many happy and cheerful friends. Everyone has worked really hard to make this Christmas Eve Party special, but I can't enjoy it. The smallest things trigger this feeling – the way he will glance at me for a second and turn away, being close to him but not being able to touch him, or watching him talk with Ryuu and Joe. I just really miss him, and sometimes it feels like I'm sinking while I watch him and I'll never get back up.
He looks so troubled, but I don't know what's wrong. I don't want him to be sad or frustrated. I don't know how to help him. I feel like I'm drowning in this feeling of helplessness. It feels like someone has ripped open my chest and left me to die. There are so many things I'd like to say to him, but I can't find the words. I'd like to tell him how much he means to me or how I really like being together with him and everyone else. Yet, I don't want to share him with everyone else. I'm such a selfish person.
Sometimes I forget Kazehaya-kun and I even shared feelings of liking each other. It all seems like a dream. Standing outside in the cold with him is unpleasant not because of the cold wind, but because of the cold way he turns away from me. I overhear some people from our class talking about us, as if we aren't together at all. I thought maybe closing my eyes for a few seconds would make it all go away, but I can't shut them tight enough to block it all out.
"Maybe he'll be happier without me. Maybe he..." I lost track of my thought.
The final thread has broken, and the tears are starting to flow.
Someone, please, make it stop.
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
Tell me what you want me to say
-No light, no light -Florence +The Machine