Fandom: Avengers, Big Bang Theory.
Pairing/Characters: Loki, Sheldon Cooper, Clint Barton.
Word Count: 1929 words.
Number of chapters: One
Summary: Written for this prompt on Avengerkink. When Loki steals the Tesseract he doesn't take Erik Selvig, he takes Sheldon Cooper instead.
*~* BAZINGA *~*
"I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose."
"Loki, brother of Thor!" Selvig exclaimed.
"Excuse me," Sheldon shouted as he stood up from behind an instrument panel where he had taken cover. "You can't be Loki. Where is your ponytail?"
Loki narrowed his eyes, his brow creasing in slight confusion. "But… I've never had a-"
"Unless of course you were one of the myriad of other comic book Loki's there has been through the ages," Sheldon continued as he walked out into the centre of the room.
"You clearly aren't the Loki who appeared Journey Into Mystery volume 1, issue 85, because of the lack of the aforementioned ponytail," Sheldon said. "You're also not wearing yellow underwear over your pants."
"You also can't be the Loki who appeared in the recent Journey Into Mystery comic books as you aren't a child."
"And obviously you're not Lady Loki."
"I have no time for your distractions," Loki said as he touched his sceptre to Sheldon's chest and the blue crystal began to glow.
"Do you mind," Sheldon snapped, pushing the spear away. "That violates at least a dozen health and safety laws, and it looks terribly unsanitary."
Loki growled, baring his teeth in anger, then brought the spear back to Sheldon's chest.
Sheldon put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small bottle. "If you insist on touching me with that could you at least place a little hand sanitizer on it first?"
Loki puzzled for a moment, and said, "You appear to be immune to the effects."
"Well of course I am," Sheldon said proudly. "My I.Q is at least 50 points higher than all these drones you appear to have turned into equally mindless puppets."
"You are more intelligent than these dull creatures?" Loki asked.
"I believe I shall keep you," Loki said. "You will make a most amusing pet."
"Sir, this place is about to blow," Barton interrupted. "It'll drop a hundred feet of rock on us."
"Well, then," Loki said, and Barton raised his gun, shooting Fury in the chest.
They headed out, picking up the case on the way, and as Loki staggered a few steps Sheldon said, "You don't look very well. Are you ill?"
"I am not feeling at my best, no," Loki replied as they walked quickly down the corridor.
"Will you swab your tonsils so I can culture the bacteria you are infected with? If I catch it I need to know what antibiotics I should use."
"I want to lodge an official complaint," Sheldon barked as he marched in through the door.
"What is it now?" Loki asked wearily, as he sagged onto the rickety camp bed that had been set up in one of the rooms of the facility Barton had brought them to.
"It's Barton, the man is plainly a deranged lunatic," Sheldon exclaimed. "He drove at least 15 miles an hour over the speed limit through those tunnels, and this place he brought us to violates numerous city health codes. It's just plain unsanitary."
"Your complaint has been noted," Loki said, as he lay back on the bed, and rubbed his fingers against his aching forehead.
"You look decidedly unwell," Sheldon said, as he pulled out his sanitizer, rubbed some on his hands, and then pulled the neck of his T Shirt up over his nose. "I should definitely leave. Do you want me to turn the light out?"
"N-no," Loki stammered, suddenly feeling vulnerable. "Will you stay with me a short time? Just until I fall asleep?"
Sheldon looked around the room. It was damp, and dreary, and host to lord knows how many strains of lethal bacteria and fungal spores, but his new employer looked at him with wide, pleading eyes. He pulled over a chair and sat down next to the bed, allowing his T Shirt to fall down from his face. "All right."
"Thank you," Loki replied, laying his head back on the dirty pillow, and clasping his hands together on his stomach.
"Would you like me to sing Soft Kitty to you?"
Loki cast a curious look at Sheldon. "What is Soft Kitty?"
"It's a song my mother used to sing to me when I was sick as a child."
"That would be acceptable."
"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur," Sheldon began, and Loki scowled slightly. "Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr."
"That is Soft Kitty?" Loki asked, disdainfully. "How is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Don't be such a sour puss, now join in. Soft kitty, warm kitty," Sheldon sang, and then he paused. "You're supposed to sing the next line."
"Oh… Um," Loki said. "Little ball… of fur."
"Well done," Sheldon said happily, and then he continued. "Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…"
"Purr, purr, purr?" Loki sang, falteringly.
"Excellent! Now let's sing it in a round."
Loki had informed Sheldon that he was to lead the science team, and build a device capable of holding the tesseract and opening a portal into Chitauri space.
"We're going to build a portal?" Sheldon asked.
"Yes," Loki replied.
"Oh goody!" Sheldon said as he clapped his hands together.
"Sheldon, I think social convention deems that now would be a good time for you to introduce me to your new boss," a woman in glasses said.
"Who is this, and what is she doing here?" Loki asked. "I do not recall her."
"Well, I'm not exactly sure that he's my boss," Sheldon said as he turned to Loki. "We haven't discussed pay scales, or holiday entitlement at all yet."
"Boss?" Loki asked.
"Do I work for you?"
"Yes," Loki replied. "Yes, you do."
"Excellent," Sheldon exclaimed. "And what will I be paid?"
"Your payment will be the fact that I will allow you live when I take over your realm."
Sheldon paused a moment. "That's good enough for me. Sir, I'd like you to meet Amy Farrah Fowler."
"This is your lover?" Loki asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Good heavens, no," Sheldon laughed.
"Not for want of trying," Amy added.
"What is she doing here?" Loki asked, noting that Amy was watching him admiringly.
"Sheldon has sent me many text messages expressing his admiration for you, and I decided it would be prudent to meet with the future ruler of our planet, before the crushing of our resistance began, and I must say Sheldon was correct. You are indeed strikingly handsome and incredibly tall. Would you be interested in engaging in coitus?"
"What?" Loki asked, feeling slightly taken aback.
"Would you care to be the father of my children? With your looks, and my brains they will fit to rule the world, which of course they will as they will be your heirs, your highness."
"No," Loki replied coldly.
"Rejected in high school, grad school, and that semester in Norway, but somehow being rejected by a god is the one that hurts the most," Amy said. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now. I appear to suffering from elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and vascular throbbing in the genital area."
"Where did you find all these people," Sheldon asked as he cheerfully worked on the device.
"Shield has no shortage of enemies," Clint said as he held up a pad. "This the stuff you need?"
"I said Iridium, didn't I?" Sheldon snapped. "I am really starting to think that you have the memory of a goldfish, and the intelligence level to match."
Loki appeared behind Barton, sauntering across the room, looking healthier that he had the day before.
"There you are," Sheldon said. "I want to make a complaint!"
"And what is it now, Dr Cooper?" Loki asked.
"The staff you have lumbered with are quite useless. Between Barton and his inane questions, and the so called scientists who don't appear to know their arsenic from their elbow I'm not sure this project will ever get finished."
"I'm sure you will do your best, Dr Cooper."
"Well, of course I will. It's everyone else who won't be pulling their weight."
"Tell me, Dr Cooper," Loki said, trying to drag Sheldon onto a different topic. "What do you think of the Tesseract?"
"I think I should have recognised it as the Cosmic Cube from the Captain America story in issue 79 of Tales Of Suspense a lot sooner than I did."
"Don't you think it's beautiful?" Loki asked, as he watched the blue light swirl within it. "It touches everyone in different ways."
"As long as it doesn't touch me in any private areas I'm sure we'll get along famously," Sheldon replied.
Loki turned. "What did it show you, Agent Barton?"
"My next target."
"What do you need?"
"A distraction," Barton replied. "And an eyeball."
"Let me get you some surgical gloves," Sheldon said, moving over to the drawers. "I imagine that eyeballs are very slimy."
Sheldon was on the roof of Stark tower setting up the portal device when Loki appeared beside him.
"Did you get it?" Sheldon asked.
"I've been waiting an hour," Sheldon snapped.
Loki moved over and handed Sheldon the small parcel.
"Did you get the chicken shredded?" Sheldon asked.
"Even though the menu says it's cubed, not shredded?"
"Did you get the low-sodium soy sauce?"
"Yes," Loki replied, gritting his teeth.
"Did you get the good spicy mustard?"
Loki paused. "No."
"You'll have to make this up to me if you want me to open your portal for you then," Sheldon said, as he unwrapped the sandwich.
"What would you wish me to do?" Loki growled.
"Will you kill Will Wheaton for me?"
"This Will Wheaton is a mortal?"
"Yes, and he is an awful person."
"It shall be done. Prepare the device."
Loki sat in a cell, watched by a dozen guards who stood on the other side of the thick metal bars. The shackles around his wrists forced his magic to retreat deep inside his body where it buzzed annoyingly, seeking a way out.
The door opened, and Sheldon entered the room, exchanging pleasantries with the guards, before they opened the cell and allowed him inside.
Loki looked up at him, giving him an evil look over the top of the muzzle that closed around his face.
Sheldon smiled, and said, "Bazinga!"
Loki shot him a questioning look.
"You're probably wondering what that means," Sheldon said. "That's what I say when I make a joke and people fall for it."
Loki shook his head slightly, then Sheldon leant in closer, and quietly said, "It was me who closed the portal."
Sheldon stepped back as Loki let out a sound that was muffled but the muzzle.
"I imagine you are thinking why, why would such a loyal worker perpetrate such a horrible betrayal? Am I going to stand here like a comic book villain and explain my dastardly plan to you? Of course I am. Poor Sheldon, acting under the influence of the sceptre, will never be blamed for his actions because he was under mind control the whole time, but as the lead scientists who work for Shield are dead there really is only one candidate to head up the entire science division, and that person would be me. I think now might be a good time to say Mwu-ha-ha-ha!"
"None of which actually explains the why, of course, and there is only one answer to that question," Sheldon said, as he leaned closer again. "You didn't get the good mustard."
A little one shot fic that I wrote this afternoon for a laugh. Hope it's OK.