Swain: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual


You are now the proud owner of a Swain unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your Swain will give you decades of quality performance.


When you receive and unwrap your Swain, make sure the temperature isn't too cold. He was born in the north, after all, and isn't accustomed to chilly weather. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time, unless you just want to. Perhaps a physical examination SHOULD be in order, just to make sure you weren't issued a faulty unit.

Your Swain should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the Swain unit.

Swain (copyright McElroy/Holmes, 2006)


Name: Chris Blake

Nickname: Swain

Position: Coxswain

Warship: HMAS Hammersley

Country: Australia

Parents: Mr and Mrs Blake

Height: insufficient data

Weight: insufficient data

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eyes: brown


Your Swain unit has been designed to be user-friendly. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard.

Remember that your Swain is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient:

As one of the Navy's most brilliant coxswains, the Swain unit's IQ is far above average! He can recall the scientific names of illnesses, as well as their corresponding symptoms and cures on cue.


Your Swain unit is programmed with only a basic knowledge of defense. As long as he has his pistol handy, he should be fine. However, if he ever had to, say, fight off a gun-weidling fisherman with only his hands for a weapon, you're in trouble! Call for the battle-tested BUFFER and CHARGE units immediately to save him!


Your Swain can offer the emotional point of view on any matter that happens to be troubling you. The odds are his intuitions are right. Feel free to confide in him about any relationship problems – he's a great listener.

Doctor's Notes:

Need to get out of a test or skip out on a lame evening with the parents of a prospective boyfriend/girlfriend? No problem! Your Swain unit can give his medical signature of approval so that no one is the wiser about you playing hooky. Isn't he just handy like that? The 2DADS unit certainly thinks so. Not that he's ever done anything of that sort… *snort*

Medical Supplies:

The Swain unit has a large variety of medical supplies on board the ship, and may use them at the most inopportune times (like when you're trying to chat up a hot guy/chick). Be sure to tell him to ask first before administering a needle in public. Especially if you might be allergic to it.

However, there is a silver lining to this. The Swain unit's supplies cure hangovers. The end.


You will find that your Swain is compatible with most other humans. If you would like to breed from him, consult the SALLY model. Even though he already has a child.

The maintenance of a Swain unit when socializing with others is generally not problematic after the first few hours. However, some minor adjustments might be necessary. The Swain model has three modes of interaction:

(a) Friendly

(b) Determined

(c) Angry


The items with which your Swain:

Swain: Wears the standard Navy DPNU's.

Both editions are equipped with pistols, radios, and medi-kits.


Depending on the uses to which you put your Swain, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Trust me, he usually enjoys this ritual quite thoroughly.


To ensure that your Swain remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.


After long periods of use, your Swain's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your coxswain:


Your Swain likes to set a healthy example for the rest of the crew and usually eats a balanced meal of grains, dairy, poultry, fruits, and vegetables. However, I also hear from a reliable source that he enjoys Australian delicacies, such as Meat Pies and sauce.


Your Swain is too busy lecturing the other members of the crew about the benefits of drinking enough water, that he often forgets to drink enough for himself. If he swears he's had enough water, give him coffee.


You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your Swain needs to function. He's had to look after half the crew when they all got sick, so he's used to not getting as much sleep as the rest of us. I'd recommend making him get seven hours of sleep between shifts, unless there's a red alert.


Thanks to the popularity of the Swain unit, it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your .

* Have your Swain micro-chipped. (He can even perform the simple operation on himself!)

* Do not leave your Swain unattended in public.

* Do not lend your Swain to anyone


Q: My Swain keeps "forgetting" to sleep between his shifts in the Wardroom. He simply refuses to leave his patients, even when I remind him he is going against Navy regs. What do I do?

A: Tell him you're going to mention to the XO unit that the Swain unit is refusing to cooperate and needs a Navy 101 on how much sleep the Coxswain's need. He will be frightened hat much, that he will rush to his quarters and have some sleeping pills.


Problem: Your Swain continues to loudly sing bad 80s hits such as in the shower, and it's interfering with your sanity. You've asked him to STFU in the shower, but he won't listen.

Solution: Tell him that if you're going to let him sing in the shower, he has to read one page of "Twilight" for each time that he does it. Your problem will be eliminated in less than a week – guaranteed!


For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:


PO BOX 1701