Maybe she's been going at this wrong.
Overcoming these feelings was never possible. They knew that. Now, wedged on the serrated edge of an impossible blade, Saw's iron heel crushing down on her throat, one of them is convinced they didn't truly want that to begin with.
She can't have Irino.
Her Other is hissing, bloody sputum flying around the corners of the horned woman's boot as metal fingertips fight to pry it off, digging into the foot and entrenching themselves like the tips of a can opener. Closer than before, she's surprised at the barest twitch of a wince beneath the drowning red that is Gold Saw's eyes. It's surprising that the other woman can feel that when everything below her knees seems to be metal itself, and she can't break away from that gaze when she wonders if Irino is in pain as well, unaware when pink froth taints the spittle flying from her own lips.
Surely, Saya can't see her.
Just a friend.
She doesn't want Irino to see her. Not wallowing in self-pity like this! The snarl rattling in her throat stops weakening and snaps, snatching at air greedily with an enraged howl. The weight that has been resting itself on her windpipe is dislodged, crumpling under angry claws and desperation. Even if they're not reciprocated, she wants to keep these feelings! Even if they're rejected and unwanted, they won't change. She can love Saya as a friend at the least! She doesn't have to hide it.
"Don't die. Don't you dare die!"
Agony is flapping around the tatters of her chest, ribs free of flesh and blade. She can't remember how she ended up on her feet again, nor trapped in a crouch a few feet from where she'd been, wild, doglike noises scraping to escape her throat. Black hair is matted uncomfortably between her eyes, sweat hot and cold burning the scrapes in her skin. She hears her Other's taunts, wordless and faint, blood red, red, red, and it hurts so bad.
"Wake up!" She swears she feels someone shaking her, black lights blinding. Shoes squeak on a polished floor, pain erupting deep underneath her skull like a spike trying to drill it's way to the surface. Sensations, thoughts, and words jumble together, spinning in a haze that feels like she's falling even though she'd already hit the floor when she passed out before. "Listen to me, idiot!"
She can't understand anything. Maybe she shouldn't want to. All she knows is that she doesn't want to lie down here, and Gold Saw is recovering from whatever they'd done. She didn't remember. Right now, she has to live. Has to get up and fight. Has to grab and maim the hand holding that sword until its useless and can't lift that weapon against her again.
Dry oxygen blazes down her throat, clammy plastic pressed against her face. It feels like an elephant is parading around on her chest, foot stamping in tandem with a wild cacophony of trumpets and an unskilled chorus. Her attention locks on too-red brown eyes, drowning in them. It's the only thing her twisting mind can focus on.
Not a coward.
It's infuriating. The King of this domain and every slobbering, pathetic soul she's dragged into it, being beaten down like a newborn. She's going to claw her way back up this crevice and rip that bitch's throat out one sinew at a time. The other self snarls, gauntlets dragging trenches through the cavern wall when she slips a few inches, hanging suspended above the trash heap of their world. Grayed, empty shards of humanity's desires rot below, inferior. She gnashes her teeth, rage reaching a boiling point, veins bubbling and muscles scalding from the inside out.
"Can you hear me?"
So lost. Everything's pounding. She wants to fall back and close her eyes.
There's a black castle with no gate and step-less stairs buried in hell. The King returns, stewing in her rage, a vindictive Beast waiting. Gold stars and white hearts play at the edge of its territory, tending to other evils. A time will come.
AN: Possible the vaguest, most unpolished snippet in this jumbled mess so far. M'actually thoroughly confused myself on how this turned out. Really need to get back to studying... and forums and PMs and SL. ;;; Wonder if there'd be much interest in seeing a mostly OC fic though.