Hey this is my first fan fiction :D it has a bit of everyone in but mainly focusing on Jac and Oliver and Drawin ward! i hope you like it. i will include more people later on; i'm half way through chapter 2 but i was excited to start up loading so yeah hehe. it might only end up to be a weakly thing because of school etc. will try to update regularly! Please read and review :D Thanks! x
I could never understand the meaning of love properly. I had never grown up to be 'Loved' or 'cared' I suppose that's why I find it hard to feel it for others.
I thought I knew what love was, as a child. But I was wrong. I thought I'd finally found 'love' and the understood the true meaning of it. Again I was completely wrong. I guess I will never uncover the true meaning to it.
Is that why I'm so ice cold? Enjoy others misery; sadness. Or is it just the fact that I have no heart; like my mother. I never want to be known as her, part of her. What I would give to be able to feel love for someone. Just to know that deep down it is there; I'm not like my mother anymore. Relationships are hard to maintain, they say it's me. I'm oblivious to what I do. Too clingy? Don't want to lose someone who is beginning to come close? It's inevitable, I'm going to stay lonely, cold, and sad some may describe it.
Would I ever change; would anyone change me? Is it possible for one person to resolve what another has done? It has made a fracture in me. I feel broken like a cracked plate. It needs throwing out or gluing back together. Who or what is the glue I need to resolve years of un-repaired damage. As I've got older the crack has become bigger; almost unfixable. I needed to find out quick else I would break in half and be useless to everyone. No one would want me.
It would be my childhood again.. Not wanted, moved on by people who had reached their wits end with me.
Abandoned once more.
I quickly drank the last few gulps of my coffee. The ice cold winds sent shivers down my spine. I threw the coffee cup into the bin and got down off the picnic table I was perched on; the frosty grass making a crunching sound as I did so. I made my way onto the Darwin ward walking briskly out of the cold air from the outdoors. I marched over to the nurses' station where ongoing conversation began to wither away.
"Don't let me stop the gossip." I said to my colleagues.
Both Mo and Oliver still sat silent, until Oliver opened his mouth to dare speak.
"We weren't talking about you; if that's why you're concerned." He murmured attempting to reassure me.
I just pulled a blunt smile, and headed towards my office.
Johnny slid round the corner, like a snake almost.
"So, you fancy dinner tonight...maybe?" He said uncertainly.
"Not in the mood." I replied.
"Ah c'mon! You're never in the mood to just go out!" He cried.
I scoffed at him before slamming the heavy office door in his face.
I wasn't in the mood, ever. I felt like I needed to tell someone. This dark guilt of knowing something I shouldn't hang over me. It wasn't even bad, nothing that would affect me but someone else.
It wasn't about me either. This was when my heart warmed a bit. I finally had some feeling there for others emotions. Tara popped her head round the corner of my office, she was as timid as ever
"Ms Naylor can I have a quick word." She asked me.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing." I said sternly.
"About my tumour..."
"You don't need to explain Dr Lo. Your condition is deteriorating. If you wish to maintain your relationship with Valentine I highly suggest you tell him before I do for you." I growled.
Tara's facial expression was willed with fear.
"You can! Ms Naylor, it would devastate him!"
"What would devastate him Tara would be you dyeing on him unexpectedly."
Tara busts out into tears in front of me.
"It's up to you Dr Lo." I said unsympathetically.
I cared more than people thought. It seemed alien like that I could feel compassion for Oliver if anything happened to her.
"You have until the end of your shift." I said pointing to my office door. Tara sloped out of the room shivering clenching her hands together.
I fell back into my chair pushing my fiery auburn hair back and sighing.
All I could hearsay the rain outside beating down, bashing against the window.
What was I feeling that made me feel so protective about Oliver's welfare. Maybe I couldn't see him loose someone else close to him again.
I questioned myself further. What was I turning into? My façade was rupturing slightly.
I couldn't have feelings for him; there was Johnny. What even was my relationship with him? There was no defined status for us...