Sam gazed out over the La Charla as the familiar feeling slammed into her. Again.
Two years it had been now. People say time heals but for Sam every stretching moment brought on more pain. She toke a deep breath as she fought back already sliding tears that came so instantly the moment she thought of him.
Nothing else could make Sam cry as he did. The mention of his name or a single floating memory could crush her in an instant. He could flip her day upside down and fill her head with never-ending depressive thoughts.
Not that it's his fault, Thought Sam darkly.
It's mine. All mine. I gave him up… I should have fought. Why didn't I think? Why did I let one of the best things in my life slip through my fingertips? Sam grabbed a handful of the dessert ground's sand and watched as it slowly sifted through her hands and returned to the hard, dry surface beneath her bare feet.
She closed her eyes and tried to remember how it felt. All she could think of was the wind, the freedom, the peace, the adrenaline. The bond. There had been something different about them…something she was so sure she would never find again.
That thought was one of the ones that killed her the most. She waited as the sharp pains stabbed at her heart. She remembered the first time she'd felt them. She was crying that he was gone, and the pain had shocked her so much she wondered for the first time in her life is it was possible to literally die from a broken heart.
The other thought that killed her was this: he was out there. Alone, maybe. But either way he had not departed from this earth yet. He was alive, and breathing, and maybe still cared about her. Maybe he still thought about her. They had shared something, right? Why did she even doubt herself? Anyone could have seen them together for just a few minutes and know they loved each other.
Sam smiled bitterly as she remembered the first time someone had called it love.
"Aww, look Sam! He loves you."
Her heart had filled at that comment. Maybe her vision had blurred with happy tears. She couldn't remember. It had been four years ago that that had happened.
And why had she let it go?
You were afraid. You stupid, scared little girl. You were afraid and so you ran because you didn't want to get hurt.
Sam desperately tried to wipe the tears from her face as she heard footsteps coming towards her from behind her perch on the rock.
"Hey, Grace wanted to know if-" He stopped and his face fell when he saw her red, puffy eyes. "What's wrong Sam?"
Sam plastered a smile on her face as she gazed up at Jake's confused face.
"Nothing Jake, I'm just really stressed right now trying to choose my college for this fall and stuff. Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry," she said and winked at him.
"Um, okay, well – do you want some pie?" He answered. Sam responded with a nod and hopped up from her seat. She let Jake head on towards the house so she could have one more look at the river. One more moment to bask in her memory of the way it had been.
Why can't I tell him the truth? He would probably understand better than anyone.
Sam shook her head and followed him into the ranch house. Two years it had been now.