Chapter 1 – Breathing Deep
I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to dream.
I'm scared to wake up in case I scream.
I'm scared to whisper one word.
That's all it needs.
I hear it breathe, I hear it sigh.
I hear it laughing when something dies.
I hear it calling,
But I'm too scared to move.
I'm so scared
I can't breathe.
"I Can't Breathe" – Gary Numan
All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer.
And now I give you the dark side of Jacob Black in "Broken Promises":
I couldn't believe I was here, asking them for this. I knew I was breaking every promise I had made to the one person I had left in this world. But what choice did I have? If I wanted to make sure that she was protected, I had to be able to protect her.
My father had tried to shelter me from the harsh realities of life - but the truth was, he was just a frail, breakable shell. I wanted more than that for me.
Most importantly though, for her.
And somehow, I had known that I would need to be more than human for her since the first time I held her in my arms on the cliffs...
Bella stood on the cliff's edge overlooking the ocean. Her arms were crossed and I just knew that if I'd been seconds later, she would have been a broken girl at the bottom of that cliff. I tried so hard to not scare the shit out of her. I was sure if I did, the first thing she would do was jump. I stopped about ten feet away, debating on whether or not to run back to the house to get Charlie.
Her dark brown hair fell in slight curls down her back. She wore a short grey skirt and her pale legs showed below. You could see the trembling overcoming her body even from that far away. I didn't mean to upset her. I only asked how her mom was doing after she got off the phone with her. The look on her face was anger, fear… and I think even pain.
"Bella…" I whispered.
"Jacob, please… go away, I can't deal with you or this anymore."
"Please, Bella, give me a chance to apologize. I didn't mean anything."
She turned to me. Her eyes were bloodshot red and her cheeks were stained with tears. Her bottom lip trembled and she looked like a frightened little girl.
"Jacob, this isn't about you. I can't let her hurt me anymore. I'm so tired of the meaningless apologies, the lies… and most importantly the betrayal."
She turned back to the water's view. She was so certain she was going to do this. I saw her take a step and before she could get far, I had her in my arms holding her tight.
I held her in my arms while she cried harder than I'd ever seen anyone cry. I clung to her for dear life while her tears stained the front of my shirt. I swore to myself that from that day on, I'd never let anything or anyone else hurt her again.
"Bella…" I whispered, "I'll never do anything to hurt you, I promise you this. I'll never let you go."
I stared from across the room at Bella as she shimmied her way towards me. She was wearing nothing but a silk night gown and I loved it when her dad would take off for the weekends with my dad. I could have given two shits if they ever came back. When she tried to be sexy for me, I couldn't stop myself from forgetting everything else that existed.
She sat on my lap and immediately took her lips to mine. Bella loved kissing me, I could tell just by the way her tongue would roll across my bottom lip as she sucked it between hers. We were going to spend the majority of the night having sex on every square inch of my small bedroom. She was supposed to be staying with her friend Angela, but she told Angela she had to cancel.
We've been dating for two years now. She was getting ready to graduate in less than a month, and was supposed to go off to college; but confessed to me that she didn't want to leave me. She was deathly afraid that I would let her go and Jessica Stanley would get what she wanted. I can't even imagine myself dating Jessica, let alone fucking her every single night. I'm sure by now, every guy in Forks, and maybe even La Push, has hit that by now.
The only time I feel at home is with Bella, which is only one of the reasons I could never leave her. I've never in my life felt like I fit in around here, but she's never judged me or had anything bad to say about me.
I even liked her dad a lot. I'm sure if things were different, he could have thrown my friends and me in jail more times than I could count. We had a bad habit of getting in trouble. After the last stunt we pulled and Charlie bailed us out, we decided that, from now on, we'd keep our trouble-making on the reservation. Besides, my dad would have a shit fit if I got in trouble in town again.
I guess fucking the chief's daughter, does have its perks.
My dad, Billy, has been in a wheelchair since he and my mom got into a bad accident. I've never once blamed him for it – even though he blames himself every single day. I've watched him as he wilts away a little more each day. He misses my mom terribly. I really don't remember her that much. I've tried so hard to convince him to go to the doctor lately - he's turning pale and he's been coughing more than usual -but he says that the doctor is for pussies and that all he needs to do is finally cough the shit up.
Well, he'd better hurry up because he's starting to sound like a fucking cat coughing up a hairball.
Bella laid her head into my shoulder and looked up at me with her big brown eyes. Those eyes made me want to do extremely dirty things to her. She loved batting her long eyelashes at me, knowing I would bend to her will. She could tell me stick my balls in a vice with that look and I'd do it in a fucking heartbeat.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"It's just that I'm so fucking sick of hearing about those damn Cullen kids. Every time I turn around, Jessica is making eyes at the auburn haired kid. All the girls think he's so fucking hot. It gets annoying. He looks like something that came out of a Goth club or some shit."
The biggest news in town right now is the arrival of this new family, the Cullens. Apparently, the father got some big time job at the hospital and moved his family from Alaska or some other really cold hell hole. What the fuck possessed him to take a job here was beyond me. I would think you'd have to be out of your fucking mind to live here. If the rain wasn't enough to drive you bat shit crazy, then the people were.
"Have you tried talking to them?"
"I have actually. The dark haired girl, Alice, is really nice. Her brother, Edward, the one Jessica wants to fuck, is a dick, though. I haven't talked to the others yet, but they all seem standoffish. Barely anyone talks to them. I feel quite sad for them, really."
Bella knew what that was like.
The kids didn't accept Bella at first. Eventually, Mike Newton decided that Bella was worthy of his attention; and after that every single human being in that school thought Bella was awesome. I don't know why his opinion mattered so much, he's just a fuckwad whose daddy owns every damn thing in this town. Funny thing was, she pretty much told over half of them to fuck off. She only stuck with a select few. I like most of her friends she has now, but some of them I could push off a cliff.
"Well, you know you could invite the Cullen kids to your graduation party."
"Fuck, Jacob, I told you! I do not want to have a damn graduation party! When are you going to get it through that gorgeous head of yours?"
She leaned to my face and kissed my temple, then down my jaw line and back up to my lips. My hands felt the silk that wrapped her body and I wanted it to be me wrapping her body instead. I think she was trying to change the subject.
It was working.
I picked her up and threw her onto my bed and she was undressed in seconds. I started in on what would be just the first of many sexual positions we'd get into that night.
I loved it when she changed the subject.
The intense urge to go numb hit me like a ton of bricks. I swore the minute I arrived in Forks I would never let my mother do the things she did to me in Phoenix. She had figured out a way to not only make me feel like absolute shit, but to make me not want to exist anymore.
I've never understood why I had allowed my mother's words to hurt me so much. She blamed me every single day for the mistakes in her life, so eventually I guess I began to believe I was a mistake. Mistakes should be forgotten and done away with.
I put the phone back on the receiver. My mother had just told me that I was the worst excuse for a human being she'd ever known, and that she hoped I died and went straight to hell so I could feel what I've put her through. My decision was made to never let my mother do anymore damage to me emotionally… or physically.
Mistakes really should be forgotten and done away with.
As I walked through the living room of Billy Black's house, my lifelong friend and the one boy I could see myself with in the future, asked how my mom was doing. I looked at him and didn't say a word. I kept walking straight to the cliffs that stood near his home.
I stood with my arms folded, wondering what it would be like to fall. I watched as the ocean brought up the waves up against the cliffs and I was for the first time thankful that Charlie agreed to let me stay with him. I, for the longest time hated my father. I blamed him for running my mother off. It wasn't until I was older that I realized she ran herself off from their relationship.
I wondered if I would find peace or happiness in hitting the rocks below. I had no intentions of doing it, but Jacob thought otherwise. Before I realized what was going on, Jacob held me in his arms - and I've been there ever since.
I've been in love with Jacob Black since the very first day I re-laid my eyes on him. We spent summers together as children, but I eventually refused to be passed off as a pawn in the divorce game. By the age of thirteen, I refused to spend the summers in Forks anymore and made my dad come see me for a week instead.
My parents, the day they got married, swore to be together forever. That all changed when my mom left Charlie. She spent the last eighteen years regretting her decisions. I've had to put up with those regrets; and I'm tired of dealing with the self-pity shit she puts me through.
Jacob and I have been joined at the hip since the day he professed his love for me the cliffs.
Jacob had taken me into his arms and said he would make sure nothing would ever hurt me again. He promised me that he'd keep all the pain and frustration away. It was a huge promise that I'd always adhere him to.
Jacob was the son any father would dream about.
Well, when he behaved.
Jacob had a bad habit of getting himself in an assload of trouble. You would think that it would make my dad deter me from even being in the same room as Jacob. However, my dad viewed Jake as the son he never had. Jacob's been so fucking lucky to have Charlie on his side.
As I lay in Jacob's arms I couldn't help but think about the conversation we had before our sex-fest began. I kept seeing the golden eyes of the five Cullens staring back at me from their newly claimed table in the cafeteria. All five of them had the palest skin. And in comparison to mine, that was something.
I tried my damndest to figure out what the big fucking deal was about these kids that interested everyone in the school. They're just a novelty. I thought to myself.
All the girls thought the bronze haired boy was hottest. They've swooned all over him since the day he arrived. He seemed to not pay any attention and kept to himself. The dark haired girl, Alice, seemed to be the nicest and I had US History with her.
I made a decision to figure out what they were about. First thing Monday morning, I was going to find out what their deal was.
And why it seemed like no one dared to enter a two foot space near them.
We both woke up to the sun blaring through the window of my bedroom. We knew Charlie and Dad wouldn't be back for a bit longer, but to keep from being busted, we got up, showered and dressed.
I watched Bella eat a bowl of Rice Krispies at the table while I sipped on my glass of orange juice. I couldn't believe she was about to graduate from high school. I was thankful that she made it through the past two years without wanting to jump off a cliff… again.
Bella won't ever tell Charlie, or anybody else as a matter of fact, how unhappy she was. Her mother had done some real fucked up emotional and physical damage to her throughout her childhood. She hides the pain very well; and if it wasn't for that day on the cliffs, I would have never known exactly what she's been through.
The week before Bella moved to Forks she found her mom on the bathroom floor, unresponsive. Bella completely freaked out and called for help. After she got off the phone, her mother came to. Renee was drunk - beyond fucked up - and when Bella told her that she had an ambulance coming, her mom immediately went into hysterics and slapped Bella into the tub. Bella hit her head and was knocked unconscious.
She heard her mom tell the EMTs that the call was a mistake, which she had just been asleep and her daughter had freaked out. Bella was in and out of consciousness, but her mom left her in the tub for hours. When Bella came to, she found her mom sitting at the kitchen counter as though nothing happened. She even asked Bella if she wanted to go to dinner.
Apparently this kind of thing happened all the time. Her mom would go into a fit of rage, take it out on Bella and then act like nothing had ever happened.
Looking at Bella as she smiled at me from across the table made me realize how far she's come. All the physical scars left her a long time ago, and finally the emotional ones were taking the back seat.
We waited patiently on our dads to get home from their trip. Bella's become closer to Charlie over the past year. I'm glad she finally realizes that not everyone in life is out to hurt her.
I was planning a graduation party at my house for Bella and she was acting like she hated it. But even though she hated the thought of it, it seemed to bring a smile to her face. She even picked out some of the decorations, and tried to play it off like she was just appeasing me.
I heard two car doors slam and knew that our dads were home. They were actually earlier than they should have been, so I was grateful I got Bella up and out of bed. She smiled at me and put her bowl in the sink. As she walked by me, she kissed the top of my head.
I watched as she walked away. The way her ass looked in the jeans she was wearing made me glad that my own pants were loose. She has way more sex appeal about herself than I think she realized. All the girls in Forks only wished they could be as hot as her.
I got up and joined the rest of the crew outside while Charlie and my dad showed Bella the catch of the weekend.
Dad looked pale. I know he's been feeling bad the past couple of weeks, but today he looked worse than normal.
"Charlie, how's my dad been this weekend? He doesn't look so hot."
Charlie looked over at Billy and shook his head.
"I've been after him all weekend. His cough seems to have gotten worse. You might want to take him to see a doctor soon."
"Thanks Charlie, I'll make an appointment first thing in the morning."
"You'll do no such thing," Billy fussed. "I'm perfectly fine. I've just got some kind of summer allergy. Doctors are for pussies."
Charlie laughed and Bella blushed. If there was anything my father was, it wasn't tight lipped. He would let the obscenities fly in a heartbeat. Bella should be immune to it by now but every once in a while he'll catcher her off her guard.
Bell and Charlie gathered up the fishing supplies while I helped get my dad into the house. His coughing was worse and if I wasn't mistaken, when he pulled his handkerchief away from his mouth, I noticed a tinge of blood on it.
First thing in the morning, he's going to the doctor. I'll just deal with being called a pussy later.
Bella stood with her face in her hands. She wouldn't even look at me.
My decisions were my own and I knew that this one would come with consequences. I wanted to tell her how much more this was about her than me, but she wouldn't hear it. She just kept telling me that I broke my promise to her. I tried to pull her close to me and she snatched herself out of my arms.
She looked at me with her red, teary eyes and said, "Jacob Black, of all the people in this world who I thought would fuck me over, you were the very last on a long list of names. I'll never forgive you for this. I hope you enjoy living in hell."
And with that, Bella Swan, the girl of my dreams and the love of my life, walked away from me
A/N: I hope everyone can keep up with my flashes forward and backwards. In the next couple of chapters I'll do it some more just to give you a hint of what's going on. Once something major happens though, it will only flash back every once in a while.