"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the inaugural running of the Twin Peaks 'A Damn Fine Cup of Coffee Competition,' the first of many I hope – who knows, it may even become an annual event. As many of you may know by now, I'm Special Agent Dale Cooper of the Federal Bureau of Investigation but, as well as being your host tonight, I also happen to be the secret lover of my charming hostess, Miss Audrey Horne. Hahaha, that was just a little joke on my part, Ben, you can sit down again, please. Sylvia, if you could take that musket away from him, I'd be grateful – he's not fighting the civil war now, you know! Hey, I found her absolutely stark naked in my hotel room – you really think I wanted to go out for fries? Right, before Mr. Horne's blood boils completely, let's quickly move on with tonight's show, shall we? First off we have a parade of all of our contestants, displaying their percolators – and no, Harry, that's not a euphemism! Look, he's trying to think! While someone explains to Harry what a euphemism is, I'll let Audrey introduce tonight's entrants."
"Thank you My Special Agent. I'd just like to mention Daddy, Agent Cooper was the perfect gentleman – he even left the room while I got dressed. Oh, what am I saying – he wasn't even there when I got undressed! Er, before we both dig a collective hole we can't get out of, here are our first couple, representing the RR Diner – let's hear it for Norma Jennings and Shelly Johnson."
"Holy smokes, what a lovely looking pair, I'd sure love to get my hands on them. I'm referring, possibly, to the coffee and the heavenly slice of cherry pie that accompanies it. Once again, ladies, you've done the RR proud, and certainly justify your position as pre-competition favourites with the bookies – namely the Bookhouse Boys. Those cute uniforms certainly don't hurt, either. Who's next, Audrey?"
"Representing the Packard sawmill, we have Josie Packard and Pete Martell."
"My word, that's a magnificent fish you're holding up there, Pete – just don't get too close to that percolator, you never know what might happen. I've had some exquisite tastes in my mouth, recently – haven't I, Audrey – and believe me, fish-tainted coffee wasn't one of them. Oh, and as Harry might say, you're looking 'so very beautiful,' this evening, Josie. Our next entrants please, Audrey."
"Thank you, Dale. Representing our wonderful venue tonight, the Great Northern Hotel, we have Trudy Chelgren and Louie Budway."
"And what's that you're carrying, Trudy? If I'm not mistaken, it looks like my favourite breakfast – griddlecakes, ham and maple syrup – one sure way to get me up in the morning. Not that I ever have that particular problem, if you get my drift. Who's next Audrey?"
"Our next entrants, Dale, representing the Sheriff's office, are Lucy Moran and Andy Brennan."
"Wow, Andy, I knew you'd be bringing along some of the tools of your trade, including a pair of handcuffs, but I wasn't anticipating you'd actually handcuff yourself! That's what I call rising to the spirit of the occasion."
"Actually, Agent Cooper, I was just showing Lucy how we use them, and I thought I was going to sneeze, and I accidentally dropped the key into the perky-later, and we can't get it out yet because the coffee's really, really hot, and there was no time to make a fresh batch before the show started, and the spare key …"
"Yes, yes, Andy, it's a fascinating story, I'm sure. Maybe later, okay? Who have we got up next, Audrey?"
"Next up, representing the Air Force in Twin Peaks, we have Major and Mrs. Briggs."
"Major, your meatloaf dinners are legendary, I hear – and the one Betty is holding looks incredible – but tell me, why is there a cigarette in it?"
"Well you see, Agent Cooper, I've just had a minor contretemps backstage with Robert vis-à-vis his destructive predilection for the inhalation of addictive combustibles."
"You lost me at 'minor' Major. Talking of minors, how old are you, Audrey?"
"Just checking. Who do we have next?"
"Our next couple, representing Calhoun Memorial Hospital, are Dr. Hayward and Dr. Shelvey. Oh dear."
"Oh dear is right, Audrey – looks like the good doctors have forgotten a certain element essential to tonight's gathering – their percolator. What's up, Docs?"
"We don't have a percolator at the hospital, Agent Cooper, just an ordinary drinks machine – so here's a Styrofoam cup of coffee, and a thermometer. We've been taking its temperature regularly and it currently registers as just about still hot, so if ours could be sampled first?"
"Of course, Doc – we're just glad you didn't bring some complimentary hospital food along, as well! Audrey, our final pairing, please."
"Our final entrants tonight, Dale, representing Twin Peaks High School, are Principal Wolchezk and his secretary, Mrs. Jackson."
"And you've brought along Laura Palmer's Homecoming Queen portrait – that's a lovely touch, if a little morbid. In my opinion, nothing feels quite as satisfying going down as a good cup of coffee, but then I never had the pleasure of Laura Palmer! I'm just kidding, Sarah – you can stop screaming. Okay, those are our contestants for this evening – now to meet our judges. I really believe that we've brought together a panel of some of the keenest minds in Twin Peaks – a real intellectual tour-de-force - so let's hear it for your senile Mayor Dwayne Milford, the drooling Leo Johnson, and the Great Northern's decrepit Room Service Waiter, affectionately known in F.B.I. circles as Señor Droolcup. You'll be relieved to hear that I have the deciding vote. Now, while the contestants prepare their coffee for the all important sampling – or in the doctors' case, try to keep it hot – we have some breathtaking entertainment for your amusement and edification. Audrey, who do we have lined up, and how will they entertain us?"
"Well our main event is Deputy Hawk, who will demonstrate his skill at knife-throwing. 'Big' Ed Hurley has, somehow, convinced Nadine to stand in front of a target and Hawk will, fingers crossed, hit the target and miss her. Hawk, whatever you do, don't take her other eye out! But to begin with, we have my dear brother Johnny demonstrating his prowess with a bow and arrow. Johnny will fire at the aforementioned target with you stood in front of it, Dale. Best of luck."
"Luck is not an option, Audrey. Hello Johnny, that's one mighty impressive Indian headdress you're – hey, wait a minute, those are real arrows! HEY, BEN, WHAT GOES ON?"
"Well Agent Cooper, I know we agreed on trick arrows with suckers on them – but then you made a joke in front of everyone about sleeping with Audrey, so I've changed them over. The joke would appear to be on you."